Title: Lost and Found

Chapter: 42

~~~~~~~~~~

In the hours that passed, while on the receiving end of some old-fashioned silent treatment, Jo took a close look at Lisa from beneath a new state of ease with Dean’s past. She thought about what Dean had said regarding those months with Lisa, what Lisa herself had said, and the way Lisa was now behaving. She considered everything she knew about that past from all sides and tried to put it in context because the truth, she knew, did have two sides. Lisa had told Jo she only knew Dean’s side, so she studied it to understand.

From Dean’s perspective, he’d failed to make that relationship work and everything that had gone wrong with them had been his fault. He’d failed. He’d been the one who hadn’t been able to make it work. All his fault. He took the role of devil and assigned Lisa the role of saint, while still admitting to the realization that Lisa had manipulated him on occasion. Dean certainly wasn’t a saint. He could be moody and grouchy and a pain in the butt. He could get stuck in a rut that it took bombs to get him out of.

But no one was a saint, not even Lisa. No one was perfect. It was hardly all his fault. He was taking blame for things that weren’t his to accept blame for.

From Lisa’s perspective, nothing she’d done had been wrong. In her view she’d done what was best for Dean and them, ignoring dangerous behaviors -- like the drinking -- and manipulating him in ways she thought would help him settle down and be the man she wanted. She’d tried very hard to make the perfect life. Then when Sam had returned, she’d tried to hold on to Dean all the tighter, using more manipulation, giving off signals that couldn’t have been more mixed if she’d actively tried.

Jo considered all of those things Dean had laid out long ago, remembering how his voice had dropped at times to a pain filled whisper.

She thought the manipulation went far deeper than he understood. It took a talented bit of manipulation to convince a man that the reason the relationship failed was him and it was all on his head. Granted, Dean felt a deep responsibility towards those he cared about. Lisa would have known that and he would have felt a responsibility anyway for the outcome. However, it wouldn’t have been difficult to push his buttons and ram it home in his head that he was screwed up.

Then there was the selfishness.

In her opinion, Lisa was selfish. She’d stood by and let Dean suffer in his grief, yet as long as she’d been happy it was okay. She’d let him descend into an alcoholic haze, but she was happy so it was fine. She’d ignored his need to have Sam at his side and attempted to mold him into a man he wasn’t. She’d tried to change the things she didn’t like about him. That was pure selfishness right there and Jo had a few things to say about manipulative, selfish women.

Jo narrowed her eyes, deep in thought.

Lisa was honestly upset about the previous night and definitely not wanting to face that it had happened. Obvious and understandable. All of them, even Ben, could see it. She was feeling the strain of the night. She was also hurt and angry with Dean for rejecting her at the barn, and probably a little embarrassed to realize Jo was his wife. It wasn’t exactly a detail Jo or Sam had bothered to share that day they’d seen her and the logical conclusion would have been that Jo and Sam were married and the baby was his. Jo didn’t blame her for that or the possible embarrassment. She didn’t even really blame her for feeling rejected and angry.

What was beginning to tick her off however, was the act Lisa was putting on for Dean. She was pretending for him, pretending that she was okay. She wasn’t letting him see anything but a calm mask that slipped when he wasn’t looking at her and one thing became crystal clear to Jo.

No matter what Lisa might claim, she wasn’t over Dean, not by a long shot. She still wanted him and if she thought she could manipulate him away from Jo, she would. Maybe not to have him come back to her, but to get back at Jo for being his wife. If she thought she could cause a problem between Jo and Dean before they left, she would and without one hesitation.

Jo waited until Dean went upstairs to say goodbye to Ben, then looked at Lisa, who was still ignoring her, though with less of a shell-shocked expression than she’d had. “So…. Lisa. Let’s be honest here, woman to woman, wife to ex. Drop the pretense and the bullshit and lay it all out so we understand each other.”

Lisa’s gaze flicked to her, finally focusing on her. “Let’s.” She glanced up the stairs, the calm mask she’d been cultivating dropping in a second. Gone was everything but the enemy Jo knew she’d made just by being Dean’s wife, an enemy assessing just what she could get away with before Dean came back down and deciding the best way to manipulate things to her advantage.

In a blink, she’d shoved everything else back behind her anger and jealousy, her very real distress included, and that, Jo knew, was an impressive talent all itself. It meant that Lisa could very well talk herself into believing none of the previous night had happened. She really could ignore it all, like she’d ignored Dean’s issues the entire time he’d been with her. She could compartmentalize in her mind, stuffing bits here and there, willy-nilly, until everything was a neat and tidy in her head as it was in her house. In her head, she’d be blame-free of everything.

But how long before it all busted loose? How long before those things she tried to ignore broke out? Some day it was going to happen and when that happened it wasn’t going to be pretty. Someone was going to have to put her back together. Jo didn’t care really. It wasn’t going to be any of them helping her.

Lisa stepped towards the front door. “Not here. Not in the house. The front porch would be better.”

“Why? So the neighbors can hear, but Dean can’t?”

Her laugh was caustic and she opened the door, gesturing to the porch. “After you.”

“Oh no, after you.”

“You think I’ll push you off the porch? You really think I’m that petty?” The words were said sweetly.

That jealous maybe. Jo didn’t turn her back, stepping out while keeping her attention on Lisa. “Best not to take chances, right? In your shocked state you might do something you’ll regret later.”

Lisa closed the door. “Okay then. Let’s be honest.”

“It is the best policy.” Jo slanted a quick glance at the Impala. Sam slid off the trunk and turned to watch them. “First off, let me state that you’re good. I’ve seen some good snow jobs in my day but acting like you’re pulling off today is a talent. It must have been exhausting being sweetness and light for months when Dean was with you and sell that image to him daily. When did you have a chance to be the full you? To yell and scream and be all of the unpleasant bits we each have inside us? You couldn’t have ever done that because Dean’s been making excuses for the way you treated him for months. You’ve got him totally convinced it was all him with the problem. You’re a saint, Lisa.”

“It got me what I wanted,” she shrugged, “and I wasn’t always sweetness. That’d be unconvincing. We had arguments. We fought.”

“But I’m willing to bet you never said the things you really wanted to.”

“Perhaps. I can watch my tongue. I’m a very nice person, Jo.”

“I’m sure you are when you want to be. What was it you wanted from him? A stud in bed?”

“He is, isn’t he? He’s marvelous.” She put her hands on her hips, her gaze flat and cool. “I got a father for Ben, a stud, as you put it, for me, someone to help with the house, the bills.”

“And a man to parade around, your reformed bad-boy. So what if he had some dings and scrapes? Paint over them and pretend they’re not there. Just don’t try to actually fix them.” Jo clapped her hands. “Very nice work on him. It takes a master manipulator to make a man like Dean think some of that was his idea. The golf? I applaud that. Was that an extra challenge for yourself, because something like bowling would have been easier and more average household to portray.”

“Dean is a big boy, Jo. He made his own decisions. I just…suggested things on occasion. He wanted to better himself. It was a part of that. Everything I did was to help him become normal. I stand by everything I said last time. I cared for Dean. I did. I gave him the life he needed --”

“No, you gave him what he daydreamed about. Sam gave him what he needed. Sam was and is what he needs.”

“And how twisted is that? A man should need his girlfriend, his wife. Not his brother. Doesn’t it bother you that you’re second to Sam? Dean would save Sam before he’d ever save you and that’s unnatural.”

“What do you know about their relationship? Their past, their childhoods? Anything? Until you know everything, sit down, and shut up about it. Like I said last time, you missed out on knowing Sam. It’s a privilege to be in this family.” She licked her lips. “So, you can ignore me, pretend I’m not here all you like, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am here and I’m in Dean’s life, in his family. He chose to make me his wife and spend the rest of his life with me. I’m not going anywhere. It’s a fact. So whatever little fantasy you have going on in your head right now about him? Not gonna happen. Dean is out of your reach and no amount of manipulation is going to change that.”

“I don’t care. I’ve moved on.”

“You keep telling yourself that. See, I have a sort of talent in being able to read people sometimes and you’re far from moved on.” She studied her with a deliberate slowness that seemed to really piss Lisa off. “It’s there in your eyes, your voice, the way you hold yourself, the way you’ve been behaving, and most especially in the way you’ve been watching Dean since we got back to this house. I can see those wheels a-turnin’ in your mind, trying to figure out how you can make things the way you want them. If you really didn’t care, you wouldn’t be doing this stupid, childish pretending crap with me and Sam -- two people you wish didn’t exist.”

A flush colored her cheeks. “If anything, I’m disappointed to see the Dean’s taste in women has obviously slipped. His standards have gone subterranean.”

“If I’m subterranean, what would that have made you? The gutters in that level maybe?”

Lisa stepped very close to her. “I’m the normal one, Jo. I’m the one he turned to back when the last big fight ended. Where were you then? Not with him. I was the one he was thinking about. I was the one he wanted and I was the one who took him in and gave him a home. Where were you?”

“You don’t want to know where I was, sweetie. Things I went through would rip your sanity right from your pretty little head.”

“Truth is, Dean’s always going to remember me first. Me. You’re,” Lisa jabbed a finger against her chest, “just what he settled for because he couldn’t have me. You’re,” she jabbed that finger again, “second-best and you’ll always be --”

“Touch me again and I will hit you.”

“-- second-best. The consolation prize.” She did just what Jo had warned her not to, jabbing that finger against her with the last two words.

Jo’s temper erupted, her fist flying out. The blow sent Lisa reeling against the side of the house and Jo held out a hand towards Sam when he started forward, shaking her head. She didn’t need him getting in the middle of this. He returned to the car.

After a long moment, Lisa touched a shaking hand to her jaw. “You hit me, you crazy ass bitch!”

“Bring it.” Jo made a ‘come on’ gesture with both hands. “You’re such a hot-shot when Dean’s not around to hear you. Let’s go. Let’s dance.”

Lisa crossed her arms. “No. I have a respect for Dean’s child, which could get hurt.”

“Yeah, that’s it. Respect for his kid. But not respect for the mother of his child. Nice. Sure it’s not more like fear of how he’d react? Your image might be tarnished. Dean might see you as something other than the apple pie he always wanted.” Jo smiled a little at the surprise that rippled across the woman’s face. “Yeah, he told me all about apple pie.” She gave the house and yard an exaggerated perusal. “Looks great on the outside. Inside isn’t so hot though, is it?”

Her lips pursed. “I won’t fight you. I’m above physical violence.”

Jo laughed. “No, you know I’ll hand you your ass right back to you in pieces.”

Lisa shook her head. “I’ve taken courses. I could hold my own.”

“Sure,” Jo said with a nod. “For like ten seconds. I was raised in a barroom, surrounded by hunters. If you’ve seen Dean fight, you know the sort of fighting hunters do. It’s dirty and messy, not neat and clean like the movies. I’ve wrestled creatures from nightmares and I don’t give a damn if I break a nail. Now you tell me which one of us would win a fight.”

“Fights aren’t always physical, Jo.” Calculation flared in her eyes and she turned her head, giving the door a pointed stare. “You said yourself that I have a certain image to Dean.” She made her voice a fraction higher and sing-songed, “Oh, Dean, I don’t know what happened. Jo just hit me for no reason. I don’t understand why….” She lowered her voice back down and flipped her hair back over her shoulders with a hand. “Get the picture. The jealous wife, who can’t accept her husband’s past. The ex-girlfriend just congratulating her and trying to give some pregnancy advice. Extending a hand of friendship to the woman who saved her life. Can you picture that scene? I can rock that one if I have to. Try explaining that to Dean.”

“Don’t even think about it. Don’t think for one minute that anything you do or say is going to break us up or bring Dean back to you. We had a Trickster on our asses and you’re an amateur compared to him.”

“I don’t want Dean back, Jo. If I’d wanted your life, I could have had it. I could have been you, with the baby and with…Sam over there, but I chose to end it.”

“Not how I heard it.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Is it? Version I heard, you couldn’t hack it as a hunter’s girlfriend, let alone anything near a wife. It takes a certain type of person to make it work and that person wasn’t you. Now who’s stronger, sweetie?”

“I ended it.”

“Yeah, and kept calling him anyway. Mixed signals anyone? If you make one move towards my husband, I will not hesitate to feed you your ass. Next time, I won’t back down. Next time, you’ll be on the ground whimpering wishing you’d gotten the message the first time. Got me?”

Lisa snorted, then nodded. “Loud and clear.”

“You’re going to want to put ice on that to bring the swelling down.”

“You’re psychotic.”

“Look, you taunt me, you’re going to get a reaction. You got one. I told you exactly what I was going to do if you poked me with that manicured nail one more time. Don’t cry now because I did what I said I would.”

There was silence between them for a long minute. She saw Gwen sit up and look out the window at them, then lay back down.

“Whatever I think of you, Lisa, you’ve got a good, smart, strong, independent boy.”

She had a bit of advice to get out on the subject of Ben. Not that Lisa would take it.

~~~~~~~~~~

In all of the months he’d spent with Lisa, Dean had never seen her behave in such an outright rude manner. Ignoring Jo? Ignoring Sam? It puzzled him. What was wrong with her? Was she in a state of deep shock? Something was off and he couldn’t quite pinpoint it.

Maybe he was tired. He was ready to start for home, but first he needed to talk to Ben, then Lisa. A final chat with both.

Dean was hesitant to leave Jo and Lisa alone for any length of time. He needed to say a proper goodbye to Ben though and Ben was upstairs. He gave Jo’s arm a gentle squeeze before going up the stairs. The last goodbye talk he’d had with Ben hadn’t gone well, ending with Dean feeling worse than he already had. He knocked on the door. It creaked open. Ben was lying on his bed, texting someone -- probably Tommy. “We’re getting ready to head out.”

He set the phone aside. “Thank them for me?”

“You could thank them yourself. Sam and Gwen are outside, Jo’s downstairs.”

Ben peered at the open door, then sighed and shook his head. “I’d like to…but it’d upset mom and she’s already upset enough.”

Dean acknowledged that with a nod. “She is upset.” Though it looked like Lisa had already begun ignoring the things she didn’t want to see or accept experiencing. Was this how she’d been the last time? He hadn’t been around to see it. He’d seen her do it with other things, smaller ones.

Ben fidgeted a moment. “You know, I didn’t expect to meet your family and I didn’t expect I’d like them. Jo and Gwen…. Jo didn’t have to be nice to me and she was. Gwen didn’t have to tell me the truth and she did. And Sam. Sam wasn’t the way I thought he was.” His gaze turned to the floor. “You’re going for good this time, aren’t you? You’re really going to disappear. Even if I try looking I won’t find you.”

He deserved to have the truth. “I am. You won’t find me.” He planned to ask Castiel for a favor to ensure that happened. “I have to -- for my family. I have to consider my wife’s feelings, what it does to her to interact with your mom and the reverse. It’s not a good thing for them to interact.”

“No kidding,” Ben mumbled.

“We can’t stay in touch. It’s just not a good thing for many reasons.”

“I know.” This time, it seemed Ben understood. He’d grown up a lot since Dean had been with them. “I really am glad you have a family, Dean. That you’re going to be a dad.”

“You know, my having a family…it doesn’t mean I’m going to forget you, Ben. I’ll always remember you, wonder how you are. Just because I’m not here doesn’t mean you’re out of my mind. That time I had to be a father to you --”

“Was a trial run. You know? Practice before the real thing. You know you can be a dad because you were to me.”

“Ben….” Dean shook his head. “I failed at it.”

He frowned, looking at Dean like he was nuts. “How did you fail? You were an awesome dad. I mean, sure there were things I didn’t like, like moving, but if we hadn’t I wouldn’t have met Tommy. My friend’s dads are all morons. You’re the best dad I’ve ever had.”

He’d thought he’d failed. He’d thought he’d been a terrible dad, yet Ben thought he’d been that good? “What about your real dad? He good?”

Glancing away, he shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess he has coolness potential. I don’t really know him that well yet.”

“You gonna give him a chance?”

“Maybe. He does have a motorcycle. That’s sort of badass.”

“It sorta is.” He cleared his throat. “I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Your mom. Years ago after the changeling. She space out then like she did earlier today?”

After a long moment, Ben nodded slowly. “Yeah, she did. We packed up after you left and went to grandma and grandpa’s, stayed with them awhile. They hired someone to sell our house and box up everything and we moved. She was real quiet for a long time.”

“She ever talk to anyone about what happened?”

“You mean like a shrink?” He shook his head. “I don’t think so. Just one day she was smiling again and things went back to normal.”

“You got your dad’s number?”

“Why? You want it too?”

“Too?” His brows rose with the question.

“Yeah. Gwen got it earlier.”

Was Gwen already ahead of him, maneuvering Ben’s dad into a position of support for Lisa? He’d have to ask her later. “I see. No, I don’t want it, but, uh, if you think you need someone here, call him. Don’t be afraid to reach out to him. I suspect he’d like it if you’d turn to him for help.” He squeezed Ben’s shoulder and got up to leave, stopping as Ben spoke again.

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

“For what?” He turned back.

“Mom’s not being very nice to Jo and I’m sorry. I…I think she’s jealous. We still talk about you sometimes and I think she hoped…hoped that you’d come back again to stay.”

If she had, it’d explain her behavior towards both Sam and Jo. Seeing them with him would smash whatever little sliver of that dream she may have had. “Maybe she did.” If she had, she should have known it was a pipe dream. She’d been the one to end it, to declare that she couldn’t live his type of life. She’d seen that he couldn’t retire, knew it as truth. It never would have worked out between them the way she’d wanted it to. Their two worlds didn’t mesh. Lisa knew that. “She knows it couldn’t happen, not with my life then and not --”

“With it now. You’ve got Jo and the baby coming.”

“Very true, but you don’t have to apologize for her.”

“I want to. I want to apologize because she can’t right now and won’t be able to later.”

When did Ben get to be so perceptive?

“She’s not perfect. I know that.” Ben’s gaze was so very adult as he spoke. “But she’s my mom. I love her, Dean.”

“I know. You love her a lot. You wouldn’t have done what you did if you didn’t.”

“I can’t do what you do and it’s hard to understand how you can stand to do it. Where do you get that strength? I can’t be a hunter.”

“No, but you know what I think this world needs that’s just as important as hunters?”

Ben shook his head.

“People who understand what it is we do and have the heart and stomach to clean up the messes we have to leave behind. You want to help people, Ben? You do that. You get yourself in a position to help the survivors and you never let up. You can be the hero that gets seen, the one the world acknowledges. We’re okay with that. We don’t need the recognition.”

“Be careful, Dean.”

There was a loud thump against the house and he cocked his head, listening. It was very quiet downstairs. Silence between two women who clearly didn’t like each other wasn’t a good thing. Maybe he should head that way…. “Only so much careful that can happen in my job, but I’ll do my best.”

Ben didn’t hug him, he was too old for that, at the age where it wasn’t cool. “Tell them goodbye for me?”

“I will. Goodbye, Ben.”

He went down the stairs slowly, moving as quietly as he could. Jo and Lisa were outside talking. That explained the silence inside. He paused at the door, listening carefully. They didn’t appear to notice him watching them through the door.

“Whatever I think of you, Lisa, you’ve got a good, smart, strong, independent boy,”

Jo said, her voice carefully neutral. It was the same tone she used when she’d just had a knock-down drag out. Neutral because anything else and she’d start whaling on the person with her.

That also wasn’t a good sign. Something had already happened and he hadn’t even been in Ben’s room five minutes.

“He’s independent alright,” Lisa replied dryly. Her voice sounded strange, subdued.

“Independent is good, but the way Ben’s rebelling….Lisa, you can’t hold him here with you forever. You try and he’ll bolt. Might not be tomorrow, but it’ll happen. Give him some freedom.”

“You’ve known Ben a couple days, Jo. You don’t know him. Don’t pretend you do.”

“I know how he’s feeling. I was him at that age. Raring to go, ready in my mind to take action and have adventures, so sure that hunting was this cool, exciting profession.”

“Was it?”

“It had it’s minuses I hadn’t considered.”

“Implying there are pluses.”

Dean blinked in surprise. Lisa had always told him that being a hunter was a good thing. He recalled she’d stressed it once, yet now, she made it sound like a bad thing. Had the events of the night managed to change that perception? She was alive because of a hunter. Hunters plural. Where was the attitude coming from?

“There are pluses. “ He heard Jo take a deep breath. “A sense of true independence, increased self-confidence in dangerous situations, traveling the world, proficiency in dead languages and esoteric lore, increased detecting skills, meeting all sorts of people….” She cleared her throat. Dean had to admit that Jo did make it sound fun. She could recruit people easily with that speech, like the army. “And learning how not to be upset when the person whose ass you just saved is completely and totally ungrateful about it.”

“Hey, I said thank you.”

“Sure,” Jo agreed. “After Dean made it clear he wasn’t the one killed the demon.”

“It was an emotional moment.”

“Mm-hmm, and you would have macked on my husband in a second if he hadn’t turned away. I’m not blind, Lisa. I saw the shirt grab you made to pull him back.”

Shirt grab? Yeah, he did kind of remember feeling a tug on his shirt as he’d left Lisa to go to Jo at the barn.

“It’s sort of customary to thank the person who saves your life and I thought it was him.”

“Customary. My point exactly.”

“God, you’re such a bitch,” Lisa snapped.

“Takes one to know one,” she shot back. They were both in a snit, barely civil, their voices displaying that fact. “But back to what I was saying. I took the running off option and it was years before all was really right between me and my mom again. Now, I don’t like you and it’s obviously mutual, but in no way do I want you to have to go through what my mom did. Encourage Ben’s interest in helping people. He seems to like that. Go for anything with an edge to it, like police work, fireman, emergency room doctor, or maybe paramedic like he said his dad is.”

Exactly what he and Ben had already covered. Professions that cleaned up the messes of the world. He thought Ben would do well in any of those.

“I can raise my own child, thank you. You’re not a mother yet, Jo.”

Dean didn’t particularly like the tone Lisa took and reached for the doorknob.

“I’m just trying to help.”

“I don’t need or want your help.”

“Personal experience --”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass about your personal experience. As far as I’m concerned --”

He opened the door. Lisa and Jo were standing very close together. Lisa had a mark on her jaw that hadn’t been there before and Jo looked ready to punch, dislike simmering in her eyes. “Everything okay,” he asked, taking another long glance at the red mark on Lisa’s jaw. Actually, it looked like Jo already had punched. What was going on out here?

“Just fine.” Lisa stepped back and smiled as though the conversation had been genial on her part. She only winced a fraction. If he hadn’t heard it all, he might have wondered why Jo was spitting mad. He had heard however and couldn’t quite get Lisa calling Jo a bitch to her face out of his head. A bitch. Lisa had called his wife a bitch. What the hell was that about?

Anger made a muscle on his jaw tick.

“I’ll be at the car,” Jo told him in a tight voice and moved to join Sam. He was standing, leaning against the car, while Gwen was in the backseat lying down.

Lisa sat on the steps. “You’re married.”

Nodding, he joined her slowly, sitting with a good distance between them. “Going on about…oh… ten months now.”

There was a flicker of surprise in her eyes, quickly masked. “Ten months?”

Why was that such a surprise? She’d never been the only woman he’d ever known. Did she think he’d been a monk since leaving? Did she think he’d spent all this time pining for her?

“How’d you meet? She’s a hunter, right?” The way she said it sounded weird, like she thought a woman could never do the job and didn’t believe it possible.

“You could say our folks brought us together.” It was true in a way. He and Sam had initially gone to the Roadhouse because of Ellen’s call regarding John Winchester’s obsession and there Jo had socked him in the eye. That was going to be a story to tell their kid someday.

“Never would have thought that.” Her gaze remained fixed upon Sam and Jo.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well…you’re an active hunter.”

Like that explained it. He took a guess at what she meant. “You mean…what woman would want that for her daughter? How could that work? How could an active hunter be a good husband?” Guilt slid about her eyes for a brief second when she glanced at him. Guilt. He was right. Direct hit. That stunned him a moment. “My God, you really don’t believe an active hunter can have an ongoing relationship. Lisa, just because we didn’t work --”

“I didn’t say that, Dean. Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“You didn’t have to say it. It’s all over your face, that whole ‘what sort of woman must Jo be to settle for that’.”

“If she wants to settle, that’s her choice.”

“You were willing to settle at first, if I recall correctly.”

She made a noise of frustration. “That came out all wrong.”

“Mm-hmm. Jo’s parents were hunters. Her mom still is.”

“Good for them. Hunters are good things.”

He stared at her, eyes narrowed. It wasn’t what she said, but how she said it. Almost flippant, dismissive, like she still, after everything, didn’t understand about what hunting was. How could she not understand? She said it the way Dean had once described it in front of Jess, like it was game hunting. Lisa was a smart woman, so how could she not get it at all?

Dean shook his head and clasped his hands together, leaning forward a fraction. “Hunting is good. Someone has to face the ugly things out in the world and take them down and there are a lot of them. I make the world a safer place every damn day. So do Sam, Jo, Gwen, and all the other hunters out there. We save lives. You know all that, Lisa. You pointed it out to me once.” He looked at her, trying to figure out what was going on in her mind. “Jo and I may not have the normal idea of a good life, but we do have a good life. It’s good and it’s working and I thank God nightly that that woman was brought back into my life. She helps me put things in perspective. A hunter can have a wife and kids. It’s not apple pie and it’ll never be apple pie, but I don’t want apple pie anymore. It’s more of a tart sweet cherry and you know what? That’s what I was really craving all along. I just didn’t know it then.”

Tart sweet cherry. It was a good way to describe it, he decided. Their life had a sweetness to it, yet a tart moment now and then. It was different and far from average.

Lisa looked like he’d been the one to punch her and not Jo, shaken by those words. Why? What was there in them to bother her?

“I want that and I want her. For life. I made that decision months ago.”

“So, what are you saying?” She shrugged. “You hated our time together? Was I wrong to want you there in my life to stay? I was wrong to love you like I did?”

Dean shook his head again. Love? He’d never been under any illusion that she’d loved him. “Lisa, you wanted a man I’m not and couldn’t ever really be. I didn’t hate our year. There were some good times and I’m grateful you were there to take me in when I had nowhere else to go that was outside of the life. But there were also bad times. Remember those? The disagreements? We weren’t compatible. I’m a hunter through and through and you’re a civilian through and through. Put those together and it’s oil and water. You don’t want my life and I get that. I do. Sometimes, I haven’t wanted it either. It’s not for everyone. I think it takes a certain type of person to survive in it.” He took a deep breath. If there was one thing he needed to talk about with her, it was Sam. “That call…. Where you said I’d never be happy with Sam…. Do you remember saying that?”

Her nod was slow. “I do. I did.”

“You were wrong. I am happy with him and yeah, you were right, too. We’re close. We’re codependent as all hell and for most people that’d be a bad thing, but for us it’s not. It makes us stronger. We’re not a normal family. Never will be. Without Sam, I was weak. With him --”

“I already heard all of this from your…wife. She was rather forceful.”

“Jo’s a little protective.” He looked over at Jo.

“To be completely honest, Dean?” Her tone hardened, took on a bitter cast. “Jo’s a bitch.”

He went very still. Wasn’t anger supposed to be hot? His felt cold. Icy even. Was she really going to go there with him? Out of all the things she could say, she went there? “That bitch saved your life,” he reminded her coldly. “Show a little gratitude. You’d be dead right now if she’d stayed home.”

“Oh, I’m grateful.” She sure didn’t sound like it. “I’ll kiss her feet right now, but she’s still a mouthy bitch.”

“She’s my mouthy bitch, so keep it to yourself.”

Lisa turned a little, anger rippling across her face, along with the barest traces of jealousy. “What do you want me to say right now, Dean? Why are we even having this conversation? You want to gloat about how terrific your life is? You’re married. That’s great. You’re having a baby. Congratulations. You’re happy with Sam and hunting and life is perfect. Wonderful. I’m happy for you. You saved my life. No, wait…. Jo saved it. Thanks. Thank her for saving my life and all of you for leaving it a mess once more. I have to move again, start over. Again. Thanks.”

He stared at her. Was he hearing what he thought he was? Was she dismissing the fact that she was alive to see another day? “Ben could have been made an orphan today and you’re going to get pissy about the aftermath?”

She snorted. “I was kidnapped from my house in the middle of the night, had my arm sliced open, and was nearly stabbed by an apparently insane demon. My DNA is at a horrific crime scene, Dean. That’s sort of a life changing thing.”

Mentally, he went over everything he, Sam, Jo, Gwen, Bobby, and Ellen had been through in the past couple years. From his perspective, Lisa was…well…whining. He’d never seen her behave this way before. She just didn’t get it. Where was the true happiness at being alive? Of Ben being alive? Where was the pride at Ben doing all he could to save her life because he loved her? Where was the relief that she was out of danger and could go back to her life?

All he was seeing was dislike for Jo, disbelief and jealousy over his marriage, and a disappointment that it hadn’t been him who’d saved her. Why did it matter who it had been? She was alive. Had she slid into La-La Land?

Dean blinked several times and looked at Jo. She was standing with Sam, the two of them talking, something Sam said taking the peeved frown away and replacing it with a grin. His two rocks, anchoring him in the tart cherry life and helping him navigate those less traveled, bumpy waters.

“Boo-hoo,” he said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Incredulity colored her voice.

“You heard me.” Getting up, he moved to pace a few steps in front of her. “Lady, you got your head screwed on the wrong way and for the longest time, I was sure it was me. I was sure I wasn’t good enough for you. I was sure I failed with our relationship. But it’s not me.” He pointed at her. “It’s you. Ben risked your anger and mine, plus a ton of legal issues, to try to save your life. My pregnant wife, who should be home resting, came to help, convinced you were in danger. She was the first one to listen to Ben and decide that maybe he was telling the truth. She ended up saving your ass -- all because she’s devoted to saving people whether she likes them or not. It’s all her and Sam, Lisa, because I didn’t think you were in danger until almost too late. My brother, who you’ve never been particularly nice about, worked to find out the truth and was the second one after Jo to try to keep you safe.” He stopped pacing, facing her. “But all of that is nothing because you might have to move again. Are you freakin’ serious? Tell me you’re in shock, Lisa, because you should be glad to be alive, yet you’re bitching about the little things.” He shook his head. He hadn’t meant to say all of that, but it felt good, a cleansing catharsis washing him clean. “Tell me there’s a good reason you’re behaving like this.”

Her eyes narrowed and she rearranged her features into something like regret. “I’m sorry, Dean. It was a shock to realize back at the barn that Jo was your wife. I thought she was Sam’s wife. They never said --”

“That makes it okay to call her a bitch to her face and then to me? You called my wife, my beautiful selfless wife, a bitch. Who the hell do you think you are? You don’t know her. You have no idea what Jo has been through. She’s died, she was tortured by an angel with a grudge for God knows how long, and she went through the agony of thinking her own mother didn’t remember her and never would again because of that same angel. And that’s on top of all the years leading up to that. You think your life is so tough? Try having had hers until a little over a year ago. You’ve had it easy, sweetheart. You’d never survive ten minutes of her life.”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Her tone was coaxing. “I’m talking before I think. I’m upset, Dean. You’re misunderstanding me.”

“No, I don’t think I am misunderstanding. I think you’re saying exactly what you mean. I think you’re finally saying exactly what you mean.”

She looked away, lips pursing.

Dean watched her a moment. No denial slipped forth. It was true. All of it. She really thought those things. “That’s what I thought. You think Jo’s a bitch, it’s not possible that I can be married, and have a happy life hunting and with Sam. Speaking of Sam…. What’s your beef with him, anyway? I told you very little overall about us and you only ever exchanged maybe ten words with him. Why do you hate him so much?”

“Why don’t you ask your wife, Dean? She seems to hold all of the answers for you.”

“Maybe I will. She’s a wise woman.”

She snorted, all pretense at geniality disappearing. “Young doesn’t mean wise.”

His mind felt a bit numb and he was having trouble processing her like this. Was this the real her? Had she never, in all of their months together, shown him the real her? He’d never thought her jealous before, never….

Jealous. It all clicked into place. She wasn’t just jealous of Jo, she was jealous of Sam. She’d always been jealous of Sam. Why hadn’t he seen it?

“Maybe not, but the advice she gave you is wise. She told you to guide Ben towards certain professions.”

Lisa licked her lips, swallowing hard. Her eyes slipped shut for a few seconds. “You heard that?” She seemed to realize rather belatedly that she’d made a colossal mistake and he’d heard more than she’d thought.

“I did and it’s good advice. It’s wise advice no matter how old Jo is or isn’t. If you’re smart, Lisa, and I know you are, you’ll take that advice. You don’t have to like a person to know when they’re talking sense.”

“What else did you hear?” Her face paled.

“Enough.” Reaching into his shirt pocket, he took out a slip of paper. “Here.”

“What is it?” She eyed it, not moving to take it.

“The name and number of two hunters, both contacts of Gwen and Jo, so if you call them for anything, you’ll need to mention either Gwen or Jo or both. I don’t personally know either of them, but Gwen and Jo assure me that Sophie and Mick are excellent.” They’d all agreed that was best. Yeah, it’d irritate Lisa to have to use one of Jo’s contacts if she needed a hunter in the future, but if she really wanted to survive a future event, she’d swallow her dislike. And if her dislike got in the way…. It was her decision. The contacts were Gwen and Jo’s, with no connection to Dean or Sam.

“Dean, I don’t want --”

“You won’t take it, I give it to Ben. He had the sense this time to call us in while you sat there ignoring what he was trying to tell you.”

Her features hardened and she snatched the paper from him. “I don’t need hunters in my life.”

Obviously she did. “You made that clear, but things happen. If any more of them happen, you’ll be prepared.”

“I don’t want anything else to happen,” she spat out.

“You might not have a choice, “ he snapped back.

She slid the paper into her pocket. “All I want is normal back. I don’t want some freak life….” she sputtered to a stop. “I don’t mean freak, I mean --”

“Yeah, you do.” He took a few steps back from her. Suddenly Dean felt exhausted, his anger sliding from him like air leaking from a balloon. “You mean freak. Strange, odd, bizarre, not the norm. It’s okay. It is freakish sometimes. It’s a rollercoaster ride of freak and it doesn’t ever end.” Dean sighed. “As for your DNA out there? It was taken care of. You can stay here until you’re old and gray. You can have the norm and I wish you the best of luck in it. A good life, good relationship with Ben and his dad, the whole apple pie. As for me?” He smiled. “I’m gonna let my freak flag fly from here on out. Goodbye Lisa.”

Ben appeared at the window upstairs and Dean waved at him, receiving a grin and wave in return, then turned and walked away.

He felt lighter of spirit, the pieces of this past that had clung to him sloughing away like dead skin. Finally. He felt…cleansed. Fully ready for the future.

Going to Jo, her grabbed her to him and kissed her until Gwen reached through the open Impala window, poked a sharp finger in his side and told them to ‘get a room’.

He ran his fingers through Jo’s hair, looked at Sam, Gwen and back at Jo. “What’s say we go home?”

“Don’t have to ask me twice,” Jo said.

“Here, Jo.” Sam opened the front passenger door.

She shook her head. “No, Sam, you sit up front. I’m going to stretch out in back.”

Dean got in the driver’s seat while they worked out arrangements. As he settled in, Gwen put a hand on his shoulder and leaned forward.

“How’s that bridge,” she asked.

“Ashes, but as safe as it can be.”

Her hand squeezed once and she leaned back.

He didn’t look back at the house when they drove away.