Title: The Curse of Bittersweet Kisses
Chapter 38

~~~~~~~~~~

Dean’s emotions were a continuous roll inside him, moving him from one end of the spectrum to the other as he drove towards the sanatorium. He was calm and resolved one moment and a bawling mess the next. Despair clawed up his back to lay across his shoulders. Right now, it seemed as if the vision that had been Zachariah’s ploy to get him to say yes had become truth. The similarities were there, too many for comfort, like he’d told Jo.

He heard his dad telling him he might have to kill Sam like the words were in a continuous loop.

He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to have to mourn Sam again and mourn him this time from having killed him himself. Dean desperately didn’t want that to happen, had thought they’d dodged that particular bullet, but what else was there? Letting Lucifer take him over again? No. Not going to happen.

Sam was in the garden waiting for him. Or perhaps it was Lucifer by now. He stood tall and still, lips moving and no sound coming from them. It appeared as if he was holding a conversation with someone. His eyes were unfocused, but he didn’t seem agitated or upset. He seemed…calm and Dean didn’t know what to make of that, so he stood and waited, circling Sam every couple minutes and searching for a change in his condition.

Finally, Sam came out of the state, yet he wasn’t so sure it was Sam after all. The calm demeanor remained. Dean spoke with him, unable to shake the fear that it was Lucifer talking to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a car pull up. Castiel got out and hurried to them. Dean took aim at Sam, not expecting Castiel to put himself in front of Sam before he could stop from firing.

Castiel took the bullet meant for Sam. It caught him in the shoulder, his body jerking backwards.

Dean stood frozen as Sam caught Castiel, knelt with him, and murmured soft words of encouragement. He told Castiel that it’d be okay, that he’d be fine. It was only a shoulder wound. Then Sam ordered Jo to get the first aid kit from the Impala and Jody to come help him.

Sam’s arguments hadn’t swayed Dean from the fear that he was possessed by Lucifer, but what did was the way he was reacting to Castiel getting in the way and taking that bullet for him.

Lucifer wouldn’t care. Lucifer would throw Castiel to the ground and laugh before commencing with killing them all.

“Sam? Is that really you,” Dean asked, afraid to believe it was true. He turned the gun away from all of them and waited, barely daring to breathe, for whatever Sam would say next.

~~~~~~~~~~

Pain exploded in Castiel’s shoulder and he stumbled against Sam, vaguely aware that he was crying as Sam eased him to the ground.

Jo and Jody followed Sam’s orders and came to him. Jody sat on the ground, bracing Castiel against her while Jo began to slice open the shoulder of Castiel’s shirt and peel back the edges to look at his wound.

The gun in Dean’s hand lowered, shifting away from them.

Cas gritted his teeth. Each tiny movement of his arm sent fresh pain sliding through his shoulder. He knew he was lucky Dean hadn’t aimed higher on Sam to begin with. He was very lucky he wasn’t dead or dying right now.

“Dean, put the gun down.” Sam stood and stepped in front of Castiel, blocking him from Dean the same way Castiel had attempted to use himself to block Sam. “Please, Dean. Really look at me. I haven’t been this ‘me’ in a long time.”

“Where’s Lucifer? Last I knew, he was in your head trying to get you to accept him again.”

“Still in the cage.”

“How?” It sounded like Dean was willing to hope, yet scared to at the same time.

“You’re not going to like it,” Sam cautioned, “but will you trust me?”

“I don’t like a lot of this and I’m not sure trust is the response I need to be showing right now.” He lowered the gun fully to his side now, though his stance indicated a continued readiness to shoot if needed. “You seriously want me to trust you when you leave me that note and disappear? When you pull that catatonic stunt before I can talk to you?”

“I tried the talking bit. You weren’t ready to hear me.”

Annoyance flashed on Dean’s face. “You didn’t give me the chance to be ready. I got up the next morning thinking we could discuss it some more and you were out of reach.”

“You might never have been ready. I couldn’t wait this time. I had to deal with him. With them.”

Dean’s brows rose. “Them?”

“Will you trust me,” he repeated, taking a step closer.

“Tell me.”

“Don’t freak out.”

If Sam waited much longer to explain, Dean just might freak out. “Sam, tell him,” Castiel gasped out. “Just tell him already.”

Sam let out a long slow breath. “I accepted Michael.”

The revelation went over about as well as Castiel thought it would. Dean’s features went stony and Castiel could see a storm brewing in his eyes. “You what?” His voice was flat and hard. “You accepted Michael? Dick Michael who took Adam down into the cage with him rather than think about any other option? How is that even possible, Sam? They said --”

“You’re his rightful vessel, I know, and you are. I’m Lucifer’s rightful vessel…but was only perfect with the demon blood in me. Without it, I could house Michael at least long enough for him to skip out of the cage. Our roles, yours and mine, could have easily been reversed.”

“Really? Because I was like four when yellow-eyes showed up. That’s a little old to accept demon blood from a stranger. Not to mention I don’t have any freaking powers.”

Sam took a step to one side and half turned, glancing down at the ground and back at Dean. “Oh no? Haven’t you ever wondered why your instincts are so good? Or why you were able to kill the Whore? Withstand killing Zachariah?”

“No.”

Castiel could see the lie in Dean’s eyes. He’d wondered and he’d worried. He was afraid deep down that there was something different about him as well as Sam.

“I’m not unique in our family, Dean. You’re special, too. Michael told me that.”

“Then he lied to you.”

Sam sighed and moved towards the Impala to lean against her. It effectively turned Dean’s attention away from Castiel, Jo, and Jody enough that they could seriously look at his wound and Jo leaned over him. “All that was needed in the end was either you or me corrupted by the blood. Either or, Dean.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Why not? The cage is closed, Michael is out, and I’m okay. It’s true.”

Jo prodded at the wound, making Castiel hiss from pain. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“Because angels lie. Even Castiel,” Dean jabbed a finger Castiel’s direction, “lied and he was our ally. How do you know that Lucifer didn’t snow you?”

Putting his hands in his jacket pockets, Sam shifted his weight and crossed his ankles. From his pose, anyone not able to hear the conversation would assume this was a casual conversation. “Because it’s different than when I accepted him. I felt lighter and clean. He’s not bad. Michael’s not bad. I knew that the second he was in my body. He just got so caught up in the despair of waiting for what felt like forever for the return of God and the coming of Paradise that he acted against himself. You know what that sort of despair feels like, Dean. Don’t tell me you don’t because I know you do. You’ve drowned in it.”

“Michael never lied,” Castiel told him, studying Dean’s face in an attempt to separate himself from the pain in his shoulder. “Not to you. Think back over your conversations and what you saw. He was truthful to you, Dean.” His attempt didn’t work and he wondered if the pain in his shoulder was ever going to abate or if it would stay sharp and terrible.

“You don’t want to be taking Michael’s side right now, Castiel,” Dean warned him with a long glance.

Jo huffed out a breath and turned her head, looking up and over at Dean. “Oh, stop it,” she spat.

Dean transferred his attention to her, his eyes narrowing. “Excuse me?”

“Look at Sam and think about what he’s saying. Think about what Cas said. Michael’s out, yes, and you don’t like him. Fine. We get it. But,” she pointed at Sam, “Sam is out, too, and I’m not seeing the crazy on his face.” She stood. “Look at Sam. He’s obviously better than he was. Michael helped here, whether you like it or not, so can’t you be glad it all worked out and we don’t have the end of the world rising up again?”

“Jo --”

“I wasn’t sure it’d work,” Sam admitted, interrupting whatever Dean had been going to say. “My original plan was to go to Bobby’s and wait in the panic room, but Lucifer had other ideas. I hadn’t realized he had that much control already. He could have pulled us over on the way here and I wouldn’t have known it until trying to get Michael out didn’t work. In fact, it took a few minutes for him to get free, long enough Lucifer started laughing. I’d been hearing Michael trying to reach me. Took awhile to understand that it was him and not a trick from Lucifer.”

“So you’re Michael’s meat suit now. Terrific. When’s he coming to collect you?”

“It’s not like that.”

“Then how is it,” Dean asked, moving to stand beside him at the Impala.

“I made a deal.”

“No, Sam.” He shook his head in a weary manner. “No deals. Tell me you didn’t.”

“Sorry. Poor choice of words. I mean we worked something out. See, Michael owed me for breaking him out.”

Castiel let himself lean back against Jody. Beside him, Jo again knelt and pressed a cloth to his wound. He kept his attention on Dean and Sam, not wanting to miss one word.

Crossing his arms, Dean said, “Go on. What’d you hammer out?”

“He wanted to heal me fully.”

Dean began to perk up at that, until Sam continued. “I told him no.”

“You what? Are you insane?”

“According to that doctor, yes. Listen, he wouldn’t not fix my mind in some measure and I wouldn’t give on my wants, so we compromised. He fixed my mind fifty percent, which he said put me at a level of crazy that was no worse than you. He agreed to take the angels and smite the PD’s that completely change the human body and then enough of the other two types of them to constitute fifty percent, making us even.”

“You got Michael to agree to take out a good chunk of PD’s?” Jo raised her brows. “I’m impressed.”

Relief was in Sam’s smile. “Thanks, Jo, but I’m not done yet.”

“There’s more,” Jody asked. “I think you got a lot accomplished right there.”

“He brought Adam out with him and sent him on to heaven. He promised to honor my wish that the angels butt out of human affairs for my lifetime or the equivalent of a full human lifetime if I die sooner rather than later.”

“How did you manage that,” Dean demanded. “Why would he even consider doing that?”

“He said he’d do it because I was obedient. Obedience and sacrifice went a long way with him. He even decided he could respect you,” Sam flicked a finger at Dean, “a little now for how you took a stand and used your God-given free will. Something about time and perspective.”

“Gee, I’m touched.” Dean’s sarcasm was nearly palpable.

“As for Castiel….” Sam’s gaze turned his way and Castiel braced himself for whatever was going to happen next. “He wanted to smite him for his blasphemy and for what he’d done to the world, but accepted that Castiel had already been punished and it was a huge punishment for one who began as an angel.” He pushed off from the car and returned to shielding Castiel from Dean, a move Castiel appreciated.

Once, he’d pretty much discounted Sam as a potential friend, yet since he’d taken the time to know him these months, he’d found him to be a good friend. Castiel had hurt himself by his initial jealousy of Sam. So much could have been different if he’d accepted Sam long ago and he hated to think of that time wasted and the actions he’d taken instead.

Sam sighed. “While we’re here…. You know, it’s okay, Dean. I’m okay. Castiel fixed me by telling me how to fix myself.”

“What are you talking about, Sam?” Dean also moved forward. “He didn’t fix you.”

“But he did. Don’t you get it? He couldn’t fix me before because I had to do this myself. The connection to Lucifer and the cage. There wasn’t anything there that Castiel could knit together. He tried over and over and Lucifer mocked him for it by making me worse. I agree, he never should have shoved the wall down, but he did figure out what I needed to do to end it. That’s how he fixed me. He gave me what I needed to take care of it. You can forgive him now. He fulfilled his promise.”

“What about the lying?” The gun was gone. Castiel hadn’t seen Dean put it away, but it was no longer in his hand. “He was never Jimmy. Jimmy was never here. Jimmy is gone.” His tone was weary.

“I know. I don’t blame him for lying and if you really think about it, I’ll bet you don’t either. He was stuck in a bad place right then, but he’s atoned. Grant him forgiveness. I have.”

“Sam….” Dean sighed and looked around the garden.

“Come on. He’s done everything he can to make up for what he did.” He began to list off things, so many things that Castiel hadn’t even considered to be part of his redemption efforts, and wound down with the most recent actions. “Ellen forgave him, Jo forgave him, I forgave him. He threw himself in front of me a few minutes ago when you shot at me.” Sam gestured at Castiel. “He took a bullet for me, Dean. Think about that. Grant him forgiveness. It’s been long enough.”

Castiel was afraid it wouldn’t work; that he’d never hear any words of forgiveness from Dean’s lips; that he was going to spend the rest of his life trying to earn Dean’s forgiveness. He waited for the denial he was certain would come.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sam was right and Dean knew it. The fact that Castiel had indeed managed to fulfill his promise in the end made a difference to Dean. It made a big difference and while everything wasn’t going to be roses or sunshine for a long while yet, he could grant that forgiveness.

First however, that bullet needed to come out.

Dean moved to Castiel. He crouched down and looked him in the eye. He saw fear and resignation there and looked up at Jo. “Thought you were on this?”

“With you waving that gun around a few minutes ago?” She snorted. “No way I wanted to chance it.”

He nodded once. “Fair enough. What’s your assessment? Can it wait a few hours or should we do it now?”

“I’d do it now and have Morgan clean him up when we get back.”

“Okay. Help me dig it out and bandage him up so we can head back.”

She opened the kit back up and prepared the tools without saying a word.

Picking up the long handled tweezers, he flicked a glance to Jody. “You want Sam to hold him instead or are you good?”

Jody wrapped her arms around Castiel. “We’ll be fine.”

“Is this necessary,” Castiel asked, swallowing hard.

“You need to stay still,” Dean replied, “and we apparently don’t have any good pills or whiskey left in Baby.” It was a half question.

“Or in the other cars,” Jo interjected, kneeling on Castiel’s other side and casting an apologetic stare his way. “Sorry, Castiel.”

“It’s okay.” Castiel licked his lips and looked down at his shoulder. “I think.”

Dean peered at the wound. Castiel was going to have a nice scar later. “This is going to hurt. Scream if you gotta.” He wasn’t particularly gentle digging the bullet out because gentle wouldn’t get it, yet neither was he causing pain on purpose. He didn’t relish the pain he was causing Castiel. “You and me, Cas…. When we get back, we’re sitting down and going through a few things.”

“You’re not going to kill me?”

Pausing in his task, he met Castiel’s eyes, a little sad that Castiel could still be afraid of that. Dean thought it was obvious he wasn’t going to kill him. “If I was going to kill you, you’d be dead right now.” He was surprised when Castiel’s shoulder relaxed. Funny, he’d thought it was pain keeping him tense.

“Thank you, Dean.”

“Yeah, well, seems God had a hand in making you human. I’ll entertain the notion that He’s becoming more personally involved and wanted you powerless and human as punishment for your crimes. Who am I to try and overthrow that decision?” He tried to smile, but knew it was weak and not well formed. “Besides, no guarantee Atropos is done torturing you yet. She might have another century of near misses planned. No way I want on her bad side by trying to end you.”

“You already were once because of me.”

“Save it for later.” He returned to the task at hand and managed to grasp the bullet and draw it out a moment later.

Jo put a bandage over the wound and Sam helped first Castiel to his feet, then Jody.

“We need to get back to camp,” Dean said, packing up the medical kit and standing. “Jody, you take Castiel in the car I brought. Jo, you drive the one you all came in, and Sam and I will take Baby. I’m sure Ellen and Morgan are worried.”

They drove caravan style on the way back. Jo took the lead, Jody and Castiel next, and Sam and Dean at the end. For a long while, there was no conversation between them. Dean had a ton of questions and no idea where to start.

“I can’t wait to see Morgan,” Sam told him, breaking their silence. “See her with a mind that’s not completely crazy, I mean.”

“You really like her?”

“I do. Won’t know until we really start getting to know each other, but I like her so far. I wonder if I’ll see her the same way, like the same things about her.”

“Don’t think that’d change just because your mind is fixed, Sam. She’s still herself.”

“True.” He nodded. “I’ll probably have some explaining to do.”

Dean half laughed. “You think? Last the woman sees you, you’re doing a damn good impression of a catatonic and now you’re pretty much not crazy anymore. No, I don’t think there’s any explanation necessary there.”

Sam laughed back at him. “Yeah…. We’ll see how that goes.”

Minutes passed and Dean cleared his throat, glancing at Sam. “She’s got a background in this, you know. It’s in her blood, like it’s in Jo’s. Add that to the last few months and I think she can handle it. Jo and Ellen both vouch for her.”

“You don’t like her.”

He’d wondered if Sam had actually noticed that. Apparently, he had. “Doesn’t matter if I like her or not. You do.”

“It does matter.”

“You’d stop trying to get to know her because I don’t like her? No.” He shook his head. “We’re all adults here. Morgan and I can tolerate each other, Sam. We can be civil and nice to each other and have been. I may not like her too much, but I respect her. Maybe I’ll like her more as time goes on. You could do a lot worse than her.”

“I have done worse,” he admitted. “A lot worse.” He stretched his legs out. “I can’t believe how clear my thoughts are. It’s like I’ve been living in a fog for so long that I’d nearly forgotten what a clear mind was like.”

“Well over a year. Will you still have hallucinations?”

“I’ll have some on occasion, but Michael said they won’t be bad. Nothing I haven’t experienced already. They’ll be the light ones that are like ghosts. Those have never bothered me. It was the ones Lucifer manipulated me into seeing that were bad.” He shifted in the seat. “Actually, what I’m the most excited about is being able to baby sit Beth now for you and Jo. Funny, huh? That that’s what gets me. I can watch her without being afraid I’ll hurt her.” He grinned. “Man, you’re a father. That’s just --”

“Amazing? Awesome? Wonderful?”

“Mind-blowing.” His grin faded. “But you’re good at being a dad. You and Jo….” He shook his head. “Who ever would have thought when we first met her that you’d end up here together? Especially after she died.”

“Yeah….” Dean sighed. “Castiel did do some good, didn’t he?”

“Yes. He did a lot of good things.”

He’d thrown himself in front of Sam to protect him. He’d taken a bullet for him. In that moment, Castiel would have given his life for Sam, a far cry from the angel who’d ripped Sam’s mind apart. He was no longer that angel, or that monster he’d become for months. He was a man now, one who had been taking steps to atone for his sins.

The rest of the drive was peppered with comfortable silence and more conversation of the sort that reminded Dean of what had been, what had come about, and what still had to be dealt with. He had to talk to Castiel, clear the air between them completely.

This time, with Sam healed, he thought he could have the sort of conversation Castiel wanted to have and the one they both needed.