Title: The Curse of Bittersweet Kisses
Chapter 34

~~~~~~~~~~

After his impromptu appointment with Morgan, Castiel spent the day in the woods, ostensibly reinforcing the fence and repainting areas of it. His mind was elsewhere.

His physical that morning had been interesting and he’d mentally compared his results for blood pressure and temperature with Jimmy’s past results. Both were different. His blood pressure was average, while Jimmy’s had been lower. The same with his temperature. He ran a tiny bit hotter than Jimmy had, yet both his results were within human range. There appeared to be no physical signs of either the angel or the other creature he’d once been.

Castiel wondered if that was a good thing or a bad one. It certainly pointed to a definite human end for himself.

As for that human end….

Ellen had cautioned him against waiting much longer to admit the truth and he agreed. He just had to figure out how to tell it when he knew Dean already knew. He needed to approach it in a way that wouldn’t get Dean even angrier than he must already be. Her idea to go to Jo and Sam, then to Dean was a good one. If he could get Jo and Sam to forgive him, it’d go a long way towards getting Dean to consider forgiving him.

His thoughts moved in circles over everything from his current situation regarding redemption, to the past, to his relationship with Mindy. He considered everything. As the hours passed, he found himself seeing mild parallels between he and Mindy and Dean’s past relationship with Lisa. They weren’t strong parallels, but they were there to a slight extent.

Dean was known by monsters. Castiel was too.

The demons had used Lisa and Ben against Dean. The angels wouldn’t hesitate to do the same to Castiel if they became aware of his powerless state and of Mindy’s growing importance to him. If Crowley was still out there, he’d do it too, and laugh because he’d been the one to do that to Dean. Doing the same thing to Castiel would amuse him. Mindy was important. She was a symbol of Castiel’s acceptance of his state of humanity.

His thoughts turned darker. He imagined the angels taking her from him, him trying to rescue her, and her injured, dying slowly because of him and those angelic views on justice. Then, he imagined asking for her memories of him to be taken away and her body healed. Who he’d ask he didn’t know. The resulting ache in his chest sent him to his knees. Castiel never wanted that to happen, not any of that.

He covered his mouth with his hands and sobbed because he could now extrapolate how Dean had felt at the action.

It was pure heartache and to a man as broken down as Dean had been, it had been gutting. Cas could see it, understand it in a way he hadn’t before. He could also understand that he’d compounded things by raising Jo and arrogantly ordering her to step into that position while Dean was still grieving the loss of Lisa as a partner.

The arrogance of his own actions shamed him anew.

It would have been safer to take the memories from Dean as well. Lisa and Ben could still be used against Dean if any creature thought to do so and they’d never understand why. The effectiveness would be lessened due to Jo and Beth, but it could happen. He and Dean had both been stupid about it. Those memories should have been taken from Dean as well. It should have been a clean slate for all three of them.

He let the emotions roll over him and the tears fall, wallowing in the experience so as to completely understand it. Being human was something of an emotional and physical minefield at times, but he was learning.

It was much later when he was able to get himself back under control. Upon hearing footsteps approaching, he tried to look like he’d been working. It was Jody. She looked as lost in her own thoughts as he’d been a moment before and he wondered if he should apologize to her. Ellen had told him to take responsibility only for what was directly his fault, yet he did feel responsible for Jody losing her job. His indecision to talk with her on his deception and, ultimately, her losing her job lasted until they were halfway back, Her response to what he had to say somewhat of a let-down and a relief at the same time.

Apparently, he still wasn’t much of a liar and that, he knew, was a good thing in the end.

~~~~~~~~~~

There were times when Jody just had to get away. Today was one of them. She was torn between spending time with Ellen, Jo, and Morgan and not spending it with them. It was a surprise to her that interacting with a baby could still get to her. She was glad Dean’s daughter was healthy and fine, yet the proximity had brought back feelings she’d thought she’d exorcised. She’d needed to get away.

Jo had asked her if she was okay and had given Beth to Morgan, who’d gone to put Beth down for a nap. Ellen had been elsewhere at the time, Jody wasn’t sure where. Jo had seemed like a good person to talk to right then, but Jody didn’t want to burden Jo with it. Maybe she’d sit down with Ellen later and talk with her.

She pretended she was patrolling the fence line, taking her time walking around the edge of the camp. As she walked, she smelled paint and it wasn’t long before a familiar figure came into view. Jimmy.

He’d been her scavenging and hunting partner since he, Sam, and Dean had arrived at Bobby’s and she thought he was every bit as screwed up as the rest of them. The guy had major issues in several areas including personal safety. She’d been trying to work with him on those issues over the months. Usually, when she thought they’d made progress something happened that made it apparent they hadn’t.

“Hey, Jimmy.” Jody stopped walking. It looked like she wasn’t the only one who’d needed to get away. Jimmy was sitting on the ground, an open can of the paint Dean had called the ‘Bobby mix’ beside him. He was doing a sloppy job of painting and she ignored the obvious signs of tears so as not to embarrass him.

He sniffled and glanced at her. “Jody. Hi.”

She watched him start to clean up. “You don’t have to stop on my account.”

“I’m done.” He stood. He had paint splatter all over his jeans, sweatshirt, shoes, and hands.

“Need help carrying?”

“I can carry it all myself.”

“Sure you can, but why if you don’t have to? Hand me something.” She held out a hand.

“You’re patrolling,” he protested.

“I can come back. Besides, this is what friends are for.”

“We’re friends?”

“Thought we were. Otherwise my maudlin slobbering into those beers we drank together a couple weeks ago is sort of embarrassing.” The comment caused a small smile to tug at his lips. Jody snapped her fingers. “Give me the can.” Once she had it in hand, she shook her head. “You know you take independence further than you have to? Take help sometimes. Remember? We just had this conversation about a month ago. You’re not alone here. Let people help you.”

His nod was slow, gaze sheepish. “Old habits.”

“Break them, okay?”

“I’m trying. It’s difficult to move on from the past.”

“Tell me about it. I just had a bad moment back at Dean and Jo’s.”

“You don’t have bad moments. You keep the rest of us from having them.”

She smiled at him. “Sweet, but not true.”

“Seems true. What happened?”

“You know I had a kid once, right?” At his nod, she continued. “He died and after some supernatural things happened, I went through losing him again and also losing my husband. I held Beth for about thirty seconds earlier today and it all came back to me like it was yesterday. Holding her, smelling that baby smell…. It took me right back there. It was instantaneous.”

They walked in silence for awhile and halfway back, he stopped her. He bit his lip, looked around them, and blurted out, “I’m not Jimmy.”

“Course you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. I used my last favor months ago to run your prints. Jimmy Novak all the way.”

His mouth opened, closed, opened again. “You ran my prints.”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“Watch a few police shows. Sometimes they really do get things right.”

“Why then?”

“I was asked to. I tried to argue for using my last favor on something big and he claimed this was big.”

“Dean?”

“No.” She shook her head. “Sam. He said he had to know if the prints of the vessel had changed.”

“He said that?”

“He did, so physically, whoever you are, you are Jimmy Novak.”

“I’m not Jimmy, Jody.” Guilt swam in his eyes. “Jimmy was the vessel. I mean, this body is his, but --”

She was certainly getting tired of men feeling guilty. Dean did, Sam did, Jimmy, or whoever he was, did. The only one who didn’t was Bobby and he was dead, but if he’d been alive, Jody would bet he’d feel guilty too. It was like a requirement around here. All men must feel guilty all the time. “Look, I don’t care if you call yourself Jimmy, Castiel, or hey you. You’ve been non-threatening since the day we all formed a team. I could care less who you were if you keep being who you are. You become a threat, I take you out. Once a cop, always one.”

“Like Ellen. Once a hunter, always one. She pretty much said the same thing.”

She smiled. “The more I know about Ellen, the more I like her. Really, Jimmy…Castiel…. I don’t see much difference anymore between what I used to do and what Dean and Sam do. It’s protecting people. I protect people and you wouldn’t have lasted a day in our team if I’d thought you were a threat. I would have told them you were a danger.”

His shoulders slumped. “You knew all along. Does everyone?”

“Bobby and I had a long talk before the Church of Castiel came for us and I had the advantage of not having ever been emotionally tied to you in some way. Plus, once you’re a cop awhile, you can sort of read people.”

“You and Ellen.” He leaned his head back, staring at the branches above their heads. “That’s why you always suggested that you and I make a team. You were protecting Sam and Dean.”

“I was studying you, assessing you as a potential threat. If you were going to hurt us all, you would have months ago.”

“You didn’t tell them. You never said anything.”

“Not my place to. It’s your secret and your baggage.”

“My responsibility.”

“All the way.” She began walking again and he caught up quickly.

They parted ways at the shed where they kept the painting supplies. Jody returned to the woods. She wasn’t ready to go back to the camp just yet.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dean and Jo were dancing around each other all over again. They flirted, teased, and got to know each other as they now were. Dean found himself intrigued by the woman their months apart had shaped. Her confidence had increased, as had her tendency for quiet contemplation. She was very much like her mother and Dean appreciated that likeness.

He anticipated a return to the physical intimacy he and Jo had once shared, counting down the days. He wondered if she’d be surprised to find that he’d jotted down ‘the date’ to remember it and that he was calling it ‘S-day’. On that day, he planned to let someone else watch Beth and spend the entire day in bed with Jo.

Calm descended on the camp, though he suspected more trouble would be coming. Had to be. There always was. This particular trouble would likely go by the name Castiel. He waited, taking Jo’s advice to let Castiel open up even though he wanted it all out in the open immediately. Dean watched him, noticed Castiel was avoiding him, and let it slide. It had to be this way. If Castiel wanted forgiveness, then he’d make that move. It couldn’t be Dean confronting him, but rather Castiel coming to Dean to try to make things right.

Two days past, then four, and finally a full week.

Sam was changing, spending more time in meditation and prayer. He’d talk about memories and doors, voices and illusions, and appeared to be keeping some sort of journal. Sam always stopped just short of telling Dean what the heck he was referring to and maintained he’d do it when he figured things out. What did Sam have to figure out?

Most of all, Dean spent those days enjoying being a father, that thing he’d thought he couldn’t do. Time would tell if he’d be any better than his dad at it or any better than any other hunter with kids. He recognized that having this camp changed things. It made it easier for him to be a father and to slide into that role. It also made it easier for him to commit to Jo in the way she deserved and the way he knew she wanted. It made it easier to be the man he wanted to be.

And yet, Dean had a sense of dread rising slowly inside him. His instincts were screaming that something big was coming and Dean didn’t know where to begin to stop it or even if he could. He suspected that whatever it was could rip everything apart and that there was no way to stop it now. It was an out of control train heading straight for this life he was building here in the camp.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jo shifted Beth in her arms and slowly pushed the swing to get it moving. Castiel approached and stopped at the bottom of the steps.

“May I speak with you, Jo?” His voice was hesitant and respectful.

“Knock yourself out.”

Castiel looked at the empty spot on the swing beside her. “Um…I’ll go in and get a chair first.”

She stopped the swing. “I don’t bite, you know.”

“No, but I’m told you have one helluva punch.”

“You think I’ll punch you while holding my daughter?” She couldn’t help but smile at that. Did he really think of her like that?

“Wouldn’t you? If you thought you needed to?”

Jo thought about it a moment, then nodded. “I guess you’re right. She just fell asleep though. I think it’s safe for you to join me, Castiel.”

He visibly flinched at the name. “How long have you know?”

“I never didn’t. Come sit.”

Gingerly, he sat beside her, as far from her as possible.

“Any closer to that end and you’ll have an imprint of the arm and the chains holding it up. Relax already.”

He relaxed a fraction. “How did you know I was me?”

She gave him an honest answer. “You’re a crawling sensation between my shoulder blades and have been since that day you raised me.”

“Explains a few things.” He didn’t look at her.

“What did you want to talk about?”

Castiel drew in two deep breaths, looking like he was about to throw-up. “I never meant you harm.”

“You had a funny way of showing it. Threats don’t exactly support that premise.”

“Please. Hear me out.”

She nodded. “Okay. I’ll listen.”

“You will?”

She chuckled at the surprise on his face. “Why are you so surprised at that?”

“I guess I thought you wanted my head on a stick.”

“That’s a reasonable assumption I suppose. You were a pretender god piece of monster crap who terrorized and threatened me, tried to frighten me into loosening my morals, and turned everything I knew upside down.”

“Were?”

She pushed the swing to move it and it didn’t move. “But you also saved me from being dragged to Crowley, then carried me to where you thought I should be to give birth when I couldn’t walk it. You helped put this camp together, spent months trying to keep Sam moving….” She tapped his leg with a foot. “Lean back, rock, and talk, or she’s gonna wake up.”

He followed her orders. “I’m sorry Jo, for being a,” his brows raised, “pretender god piece of monster crap who did all of that to you. When I raised you, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I honestly didn’t. I was selfish and didn’t think through the consequences of that action. I apologize and, even if you don’t believe me, it is heartfelt.”

There was a prolonged silence between them. He watched her like he really thought she was going to lean over and hit him. Jo touched Beth’s cheek, smiled a little at her sleeping child. “You’ve changed.”

He looked away. “No, Jo, I haven’t. And that’s the problem. I’m still all those things I was only now I’m human as well and it’s…harder. I’m still selfish at my core and I don’t know how to redeem myself when I can’t let go of that.”

Now this was something she could relate to. Castiel was human, scared, and desperate. It was about time. “I forgive you, Castiel.”

His head turned back, gaze disbelieving. “You what?”

“I said I forgive you.”

“For all of it? The terrorizing, the humiliation --”

“Yes.” She sighed, trying to decide how to explain it. “If I held on to all of the things people have done to hurt me in the past, I’d never move forward. I don’t want to waste my energy being mad at you and plotting revenge of some kind. I can’t. I have a daughter to raise and she’s the one who deserves my attention. I have a tentatively committed relationship I need to focus on. That deserves my attention, too. I can’t change that past or what you did and neither can you. You’ve admitted what you did and expressed regret. We’re even. But I’ll tell you one thing. I won’t give you a second chance. You mess this up and that’s it.”

“Thank you, Jo.”

“Don’t thank me. You’ve still got to face Sam and Dean and that’s going to be the hard sell, especially with Dean. It’s gonna get a lot worse before it starts getting better for you.” She adjusted the blanket around Beth, shifting her to the other arm. “You are going to talk to Dean, right?”

“I plan to. It’s difficult to decide how to approach him.”

“Why did you pretend in the first place?”

“Wouldn’t you have?” He laced his fingers together in his lap. “He would have killed me right then. I was cowardly, I guess. Dean began to make a big deal about making it up to Jimmy because he’d forgotten he was there.”

“Is he still there?”

“No.” He shook his head. “He moved on when I was punished. I was alone in this body for the first time, frightened, and I made a decision to survive. Perhaps it wasn’t the best one, but it’s the one I made.”

“Dean told me you’re locked out of the infirmary. Why?”

“He’s not the only one who gets depressed. I overdo it, take too much. Mindy’s been keeping an eye on me recently. I haven’t felt as bad the past week or two.” He looked at her. “Since your group arrived. I think it’s time for it all to come out, Jo. I’m tired of lying about it.” He took a deep breath. “I’m tired of running away from it all. I need to face it and take whatever consequences are mine to bear. If that means death, then so be it. I’ll try to face it as bravely as I can.”

“So…why did you let them think you were still in there? Why not go Jimmy all the way?”

“I can’t be Jimmy all the time. I’m not an actor. I was only able to lie well once I had corrupted souls inside me. I think they had an influencing effect upon me. It was better to be Jimmy most of the time and have myself to fall back on sometimes.”

He kept clasping and unclasping his hands in a nervous gesture and Jo reached over, placing her hand on his to stop the movement. “I’m not grilling you, Castiel. I’m just trying to understand, okay?”

“I know. I’m rather relieved you didn’t punch me.”

She pulled her hand back.

Now he turned in the seat, putting an arm on the back of the swing, his expression earnest. “I tried to heal Sam. I did, Jo. I swear it. Every time I tried, I made it worse somehow and I still don’t understand how. I don’t understand why I couldn’t heal him when I’d had the power to knit you and Ellen back together. You’re both obviously well and healthy. I had the power and it makes no sense that I couldn’t fix him.”

He appeared to be eager to talk about it to someone and she let him, not talking, but rather thinking about what he was saying and what Sam and Dean had said both then and now.

“I’d touch his forehead, search out the broken section, and then…it’d move. It resisted, almost like a live thing inside his head. It shouldn’t have done that. The human mind isn’t like that and I don’t understand.”

“Maybe it wasn’t your fault you couldn’t fix him,” she replied slowly.

“What do you mean?”

Beth began to wake up and whimper and Jo raised her up against her shoulder, patting her back gently. “How sure are we all that Lucifer is just a hallucination? Are we one-hundred percent sure he didn’t piggyback Sam’s soul out of the cage when Death retrieved it?”

Castiel stilled, brow furrowing. “I’d think Death would’ve known if that were the case.”

“Sure, but would he tell anyone? I mean, isn’t the apocalypse and the end of the world the end game for all those higher beings? Even Death?”

He gave a half shrug. “Death doesn’t particularly care about us. His soft spot for Dean is an anomaly.”

“Sam was strong enough, with Dean’s help, to win the battle of wills against Lucifer. In order to take him again, Lucifer would have to really trick Sam into it. Isn’t making us all think Sam is nuts and hallucinates him right up Lucifer’s alley? If he can convince Sam to reintegrate him, then he wins. He takes control. You were an angel, Castiel. Is it likely he’d do that? I mean, there was a day once where I really thought it was me, Sam, and an unknown presence sitting at the table. Not you, but another one. He’d been talking to thin air, to Lucifer.”

“Sam already reintegrated himself as you put it. He did that after I pushed down the wall. He…. The wall….” His eyes glazed over a little and Jo could tell his thoughts had turned inward. Finally, he blinked. “Jo, I have to go.” He got up, then sat back down, one hand reaching out. He touched Beth’s cheek with a finger. “She really is a beautiful child and I’m very glad things worked out between you and Dean despite my meddling.” Castiel was gone before she could say anything more, running in the direction of the cabin.