Title: The Curse of Bittersweet Kisses
Chapter 26

~~~~~~~~~~

The rainstorm had been fierce and fast, bringing with it cooler temperatures and Sam zipped his jacket as he left the cabin he shared with Dean, now Jo, and soon to be the baby as well. When he’d arrived at the cabin, Dean was giving Jo a tour of the camp on paper, sitting at their table drawing her a map. The accuracy and detail he put into it showed how well he knew the area. He hadn’t simply patrolled it these past months, he’d memorized every detail, knew every landmark, and was now making sure Jo learned them as well.

Jo’s pregnancy brought something Dean needed to the camp. Even in his drugged state with a fuzzy mind Sam could see it. Dean’s gaze was hungry when he looked at her, like he was a kid who’d gotten free reign in a candy store and it was all he’d ever dreamed of and more. He was seeing those sorts of things he thought he’d never have because he’d failed to have them with Lisa.

Sam was glad. This camp was going to make the difference for Dean. It was a fairly stable environment, more so than they’d ever had and maybe having this baby could begin to heal some of Dean’s pain over Lisa and Ben. Sam liked Jo and the idea that he was going to be an uncle lifted his mood a little. He’d once thought that if he and Dean ever had kids they’d never know it, not with their lives.

But their lives were different now, Jo was here, and there was no doubt Dean was the father of that baby. Dean was going to get to experience time with his child and Sam thought that if he could manage keep his crazy out of the way, he’d enjoy being an uncle.

“This is a good thing,” Chuck said, keeping pace beside Sam as he walked to Ellen’s cabin. Out of all the hallucinations, Chuck was the one who’d remained the clearest under the drug. He’d talk to Sam, watch him, and usually proclaimed him not ready to see yet. As his presence never alarmed Sam, he never mentioned those visits to Dean, Jody, or Jimmy. It was the Lucifer ones he told them about. Sometimes, when he didn’t take the drug on time, Lucifer showed up.

According to Darla’s theory, didn’t that mean Lucifer haunted him? The drug didn’t keep him all the way gone, merely muffled. He really didn’t count Chuck. Chuck was the good one. Lucifer, on the other hand, was the bad one who’d screw with his head just because he could. Chuck had never done that.

But did it mean that Lucifer really haunted him or that his hallucinations were just that strong?

He nodded and stepped around a large puddle.

“It’s a wonderful thing to have a baby in the house. Makes a person think about changes that need to be made.” His stare was pointed, but Sam understood what he was saying. He thought Sam was going to want to finally see and deal with things he’d been hiding from. Too bad he had no idea what those things were. Chuck maintained he did know and was simply repressing the memories to protect himself.

“I suppose,” he replied in a whisper.

“Trust me, Sam. This is good.”

Maybe Chuck was right. Maybe it was time to try to deal with things. He didn’t want to be a danger to the baby at any time.

Chuck stopped outside Ellen’s cabin, not going in with him. Jody was there, sitting at the bedside and reading a book. She looked up when he came inside.

“Hey, Sam. How are you feeling today?”

“Decent. How’s Ellen doing?” The book in Jody’s hands was the same one he and Jimmy had been reading and he realized she was seriously going to crash their next book discussion like she’d been threatening for weeks. He was looking forward to that even. The more the merrier.

“Good. Her color’s good and she’s resting pretty well right now.”

“She been awake at all?”

“A little bit ago. She had some water, asked where she was, remembered who I am, and went back to sleep.”

“I’ll check back later,” he said, but didn’t move. He wanted to be there when she was awake. He’d missed those moments they’d had. While he’d heard Jo’s opinion of Morgan, he wanted Ellen’s insight before he met Morgan for that dinner they’d discussed.

Sam knew he could deal with a physical relationship if that was what Morgan wanted. The physical wasn’t the problem. It was the emotional aspect he wasn’t sure he could deal with and he didn’t want to hurt her. If they moved into emotional territory, he was going to have to share some things with her that might drive her away. It’d be good if Ellen could tell him he wouldn’t scare Morgan off. He didn’t see the sense in starting anything if he was going to drive her away when he revealed the full extent of his crazy and his life experiences.

Jody cleared her throat. “Yes, Sam?”

He pointed to the book. “You like it so far?”

“I’ve never been a fan of horror novels, but this one is okay. Some heavy themes. Redemption, depression, desperation. You and Jimmy ever consider reading something light and funny?”

He laughed. “We read whatever Jimmy can pick up.”

“Well, Jimmy needs to pick up something lighter next time.”

“I’ll tell him.”

Jody dog-eared her place in the book and set it aside. “Why don’t you go get Ellen something to eat? Morgan said she could have bland foods like applesauce until we’re sure she can keep them down.”

“Sure.” When he brought the tray back, Ellen was awake and Jody was helping her to sit up so she could eat.

“I think I could eat a horse,” Ellen commented, her voice hoarse.

“Not unless it’s been put through a blender first,” Jody replied, humor in the words. “Morgan’s orders.”

Ellen rolled her eyes. “Girl worries too much. I’ve got an iron stomach and always have.” She stretched out a hand. “Get over here, Sam, and let me look at your sorry ass.”

“Yes, ma’am. Glad to see you awake.” He set the tray down on the table, then sat on the bedside and let her hug him.

When he leaned back, she cupped his face with both hands. “Damn glad to see you. Jo and I --”

“I know. We missed you, too.”

Her claim to have an iron stomach appeared to be true and soon her small meal was done. Sam and Jody talked to her while she ate and Sam saw the curiosity in Ellen’s eyes as he talked. Soon, she was going to ask about his slurred speech and slower manner. It was a certainty, so he might as well get it out of the way.

“It’s the medication,” he told her.

“What is,” Ellen asked in a careful tone, maneuvering slowly back down to how she’d been lying earlier.

“The speech, the --”

Jody reached over to help her, her voice calm. “The dose he’s taking keeps the hallucinations at bay and any lower dose we’ve tried doesn’t work on the worst of them. Since Sam’s doctor dropped off the grid completely, he’s stuck with it. We’re not sure what happened to the guy. He disappeared like a lot of people have. No one’s wanted to mess with what’s been working.”

“Oh. How are you feeling about that, Sam?” Ellen laid her head back and took his hand in hers. Her grip was strong and he realized that, if Jo was a lifeline right now for Dean, Ellen was one for him.

He let his shoulders droop. “This is my life now. It sucks, but it doesn’t suck any worse than any of the other sucky moments I’ve had. It’s better than being soulless or being stuck in the cage, so I’d say I’m doing okay right now. It’s not perfect, but I’m alive.”

Slowly, she nodded. “Can you hunt?”

“With my slow reaction times? You want to trust me with a gun? Dean would, of course, but I won’t endanger anyone in case…. Like the driving.” He saw Jody and Ellen exchange a long glance and wondered what that was all about.

Ellen gave his hand a last squeeze. “I need to rest again for a bit, but come back later this afternoon. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

He made a promise to return and left.

~~~~~~~~~~

Castiel received an invitation from Jo to meet her at the dining hall around two. It was Sam who gave him the verbal invitation on the walk to lunch. He told Castiel that Dean and Jo were already behaving like they had before they’d all split up. Cas guessed that was a good thing. He remained uncertain to this day when Dean and Jo’s relationship had become real. He knew now that it had been gradual, but the when escaped him. They’d pretended more between them until one day it had been the truth.

They’d pretended well.

While he waited for the time to pass, he cleaned his cabin, and at ten to two, he walked to the dining hall.

Morgan and Jody were at one table, along with Mindy, whose hair was now an unnatural shade of red, and three men Castiel vaguely recognized. They had a lively conversation going.

Jo was at another table. It looked like she was wearing one of Dean’s button down shirts over her t-shirt.

He wondered where Dean was and approached her. “Hi, Jo.” That was one of Dean’s shirts.

“Jimmy. You’re right on time.”

“Yes. Where’s Dean?”

“Were you expecting him with me? I thought we could talk, just the two of us.”

And a room full of people as witnesses, he noticed. “I thought he’d be with you.” He made a motion at her stomach. “The baby.”

“Oh. He had some things to take care of. I told him to go ahead.” She cleared her throat. “I wasn’t sure where the tea was or I would have gotten us something already.”

“I don’t mind doing it. You should rest anyway.”

She raised a hand in an invitation for him to go ahead.

He saw Jo’s eyes narrow and knew he needed to be vigilant during this talk. He prepared herbal tea for them both and took a mug to her. “Here. Apple cinnamon.” She’d watched him the entire time and he’d made sure not to turn his back on her, letting her see he only put water and a tea bag in the mug.

“Thanks…Jimmy.”

“You’re welcome.” He no longer bothered raising and lowering the pitch of his voice. It had taken all these months, but he’d let his pitch drop back down as Jimmy until he was speaking in his normal voice. Castiel doubted anyone remembered Jimmy’s voice had once been higher.

She ran a finger along the rim of the mug. “Dean said you spend a lot of time with Sam.”

“I spend a lot of time with both of them and Jody as well, but yes, I do spend time with Sam.” He was living with the damage he’d done to each of these people both directly and indirectly, his penance. Dean, Sam. Jody. Now Ellen and Jo. Even Bobby. Bobby’s death was on him because it had been his church that had killed him.

He paid a daily price and tried to be useful in camp, to keep Sam’s mind and body active. He gave Sam books to read, picking up more whenever he had a chance outside the camp, and then discussed them with him, a tactic to keep him healthy mentally. They were a book club of two and lately Jody and a few others had been making noises about joining them in discussions. He kept a constant game of chess going between them, made sure Sam ate, and that he took walks and exercised, and he always told Sam how sorry he was that Castiel had destroyed his peace.

Castiel had been a fool, wise in his own eyes, and had lacked the ability to divine the far-reaching consequences of all he’d done. He’d hurt Dean many times over and caused Sam to become the shell he was today.

“I do what I can,” he told her. “Castiel made a lot of mistakes.”

“And you’re trying to clean them up.”

“Something like that.”

“How is it your responsibility? I mean, if you were just sitting back unable to stop Castiel --”

“I’ll fix what I can of what he did.”

“Doesn’t explain why it’s your responsibility.”

“He’s in here,” he admitted, as close to the truth as he could manage. “Powerless and regretful.”

“Regretful,” she repeated. Her gaze remained cool and calm. “What’s he regretful about?”

“Everything.”

“Really. I doubt that.”

He should have expected her skepticism, yet he hadn’t and it hurt that she didn’t believe him for he was sorry for all he’d done. He’d learned how each of his actions had hurt people and the world. “Why do you doubt it?”

“Because Castiel was selfish. He only thought about what he wanted and needed. I know, I know.” She raised a hand briefly. “He claimed he was doing it all for Dean. I don’t think he was. I think he was doing it all for self, making himself feel good and important and powerful. If he’d really been doing anything for Dean he would have kept his promise to heal Sam, put the souls back in Purgatory, and started cleaning up the mess he’d already made instead of making more messes. He would have listened to friends when they told him to stop and he never would have hurt Sam in the first place. He knew what Sam means to Dean.”

Castiel let his glance turn to the liquid in his cup. He could feel his hands starting to shake and tried to slide them down onto his lap without her noticing the shaking.

“He would have left me and my mother where we were instead of raising us and putting demands on me and Dean both that he had no right to demand.”

“You don’t like being alive again?”

“Not the issue, Jimmy. Of course I like being alive and I’m living life the best I can in all circumstances. The issue here isn’t me, it’s Castiel. If he had the love and bond he kept claiming with Dean, he wouldn’t have done those things he did. Maybe he did have those at one point, but as soon as he started rationalizing and doing things for his own gain, for self alone, he lost that. He became selfish and fed that with each action.”

“And you think he could never regret.”

“The last version of Castiel I saw was still concerned with covering his own ass, so based on that version…no.”

The hell of it was that she was right. He blinked. At that point, he’d been more concerned with hiding how far everything had gone wrong than with anything else. Self, as Jo put it. He’d been concerned for himself.

“So, forgive me if I can’t quite believe the regret yet.”

“He regrets giving you pain, Jo. The humiliation and threats. He’s sorry he hurt you --”

“No.” She shook her head. “No, he isn’t. He’s sorry he got caught playing in his father’s sandbox. When he can wash my feet and kiss them without a thought other than the task itself, then I might believe he’s sorry.”

It took a moment for him to get her meaning. She meant that Castiel needed to have a servant’s role and give up self altogether. While he thought he’d been doing that for months, he understood then that he hadn’t. It was like a light bulb going off inside his brain. He’d still been doing everything he had with an eye towards his own redemption and self. His helping Sam, Dean, and Jody. His helping in the camp itself. He’d never given up ‘self’, merely shifted the primary focus.

What he’d been doing these months wasn’t servant hood and it appeared he hadn’t learned that lesson he’d been supposed to learn that day at Dean’s gravesite. It made him sick to his stomach to understand. “Will you give him a chance?”

She studied him and, just when her stare became uncomfortable, she looked away. “Dean thinks you’re mostly Jimmy. So does Sam, and I’m guessing everyone else here does as well.”

He didn’t confirm or deny his identity. Instead, he waited for whatever else she was going to say.

“So, I’ll call you Jimmy, but….” Her gaze returned to him. “I think you’re more Castiel than any of them know and I’ll be watching you. His chance has to be earned. You see,” Jo leaned forward as far as she could with her stomach in the way, “Dean and Sam aren’t the only ones who do just about anything to protect those they love. If I find out you’re here to hurt them in any way, I’ll end you. Don’t think I can’t just because I’m pregnant or because I’m going to have a baby. I’m still a hunter and I’m still a damn good shot.” She sat back. “Something to consider...Jimmy.”

Slowly, Jo got up from her chair and left her still full mug on the table. He watched her go to the table Morgan was at and, within a few minutes, the two women had left the dining hall.

Mindy joined him when they were gone, pulling out the chair beside him and sitting in it. “Is something wrong, Jimmy?”

He smelled the faint scent of hair dye. “You went red.”

“Like it?” She twirled a few strands about one finger. “I needed a change. Haven’t been red in years.”

“It’s different.” And it unfortunately reminded him of Anna. Mindy had chosen a similar shade to what Anna’s human body had had.

“I like change. You know that. So.” She rested her chin on her hand. “Some heavy talk it looked like you and Jo were having.”

“She’s sometimes forceful in how she words things.”

“I see. Nothing wrong with that.”

“No…. Mindy, what kind of person do you think I am?” He had a burning desire right then to know exactly how she viewed him.

She pursed her lips as she thought. “You mean besides complicated?” At his nod, she sighed. “Well, you have issues, your moods are as bad as Dean’s, if not worse, and you have the weirdest streak of naivety sometimes. A man your age should know some of these things, but overall, I’d say you’re a good guy.”

“Thanks. What does goodness get me?”

“In my pants.”

He looked down at his tea, annoyed by her playful answer.

“No, seriously, Jimmy, I’m the girl who goes after the guys most girls discard as too nice.”

“I’m too nice?”

“Not at the right moment, if you get my meaning.”

“I’m not flirting,” he told her with a rise of exasperation inside him. “I’m being completely serious. What does goodness get me in the end?”

Levity slipped from her green eyes and she reached out, rubbing a hand on his shoulder for a moment. “Let’s take a walk and really talk about that.”

Their walk took them all around the camp and their talk was not the light sort he’d had with her before. This was heavy, even theological stuff on good, evil, forgiveness, redemption and sacrifice. Funny, in all the time he’d spent with Mindy, he’d never really talked to her before.

“Is redemption possible without letting go of self,” he asked. He knew the answer, but he needed to hear someone else say it and confirm it.

She grasped his hand in hers, linking their fingers together. “No.”

“Why?”

“Because the true redemption you’ve been talking about is possible only by forgetting self, by releasing it. You let it go and become someone new through an act of selflessness, sacrificing self in order to be redeemed. A man can’t be redeemed if he’s not willing to stop thinking about himself. To answer your question from earlier, goodness alone doesn’t get you squat in the end. A combination of goodness and sacrifice, however…. That can get you to redemption. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.”

“There can be no thought of how you can benefit in any way.”

“Right. It has to be completely without a thought for yourself. Say a man steps in front of a train to save a child. If he’s doing it with only the thought to save the child, then it could be a redemptive moment. If he does it with the thought of how good his press will turn out after, then it’s still all about him in his head. He’s made no sacrifice in any way.”

“So how does a man redeem himself if he doesn’t know how to let self go?”

“Doesn’t know how?”

“Say a man knew he needed to redeem himself, but he realizes that everything he thought he was doing to that end was still about self? He’d misled himself into believing he was working towards redemption.”

“Jimmy…. A man can’t work towards redemption. It’ll always return to self because he’s conscious of it and each step will be all about him.”

“Again, how does that man receive redemption then and what if it never comes?”

She didn’t have a chance to reply. A sharp cry on the path ahead interrupted them and they moved forward to see Jo and one of the men that was in her group. The man had a hold of her arm and was trying to drag her down the path towards the fence.

Castiel moved forward to intervene.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jo walked towards her new home, arguing with Morgan all the while. “It’s five minutes, Morgan. Please. I haven’t had any time alone since we got here. Five minutes.”

“Jo, come on. You’re due --”

“Any time. So you keep reminding me. What can happen in five minutes?”

“You want a list?” After a moment, Morgan sighed. “Okay. Fine. But if you’re not back in five, I’m coming after you.”

“Mother hen.”

“Ellen’s not mobile to do it and I’m also a worried doctor.” She smiled. “Go. I’ll see if Sam’s there and wait for you with him.”

Jo moved down the path towards the vehicles. She was glad for a few minutes alone. Her chat with Jimmy had been interesting. He’d confirmed Castiel was in there, so that feeling she got around him was explained, but she still thought he wasn’t telling the entire truth. During that conversation, she’d never gotten the impression she was speaking to anyone other than Castiel himself. Jimmy had talked like him, moved like him, and looked at her the way Castiel had.

Dean claimed he wasn’t Castiel. She thought Dean was wrong.

The circle of vehicles was silent. Jo didn’t see anyone around. She went to the van and carefully got into the back, reaching for her mother’s bag and checking for any of her own things that had gotten left. It looked like she’d managed to grab everything. Stepping out, she picked up the bag and turned, sliding the door shut.

A hand grabbed her arm.

It was Gil. He was half smiling. “Hey, Jo.”

“Gil. Hi.” She tried to pull her arm away. He wouldn’t let go of her arm. “Let go.”

“No, I don’t think I will. You might try to run away and I can’t have that happening.”

“You’re hurting me.” His fingers dug into her skin.

“I think you can take a few bruises.”

“Let go!” She tugged again.

“Not until we talk about us.”

“Us? There is no us. There’s never been an ‘us’.” Why was he acting like this? She’d never encouraged him, barely even had a conversation with him. Morgan and Ellen had been the ones who’d talked to him.

“Of course there has. Who’s been protecting you for months, Jo? Not him. Not Dean. I’ve been protecting you. Where’s he been? Not with you. He didn’t even know you were pregnant.”

“It’s not your business.”

He snorted. “You love him so much you never told him and now I’m supposed to buy that he’s the love of your life?”

“You have no idea what our situation is, now let go!” She could try punching, but half suspected he might punch her back. This must have been the reason Morgan and Ellen had done everything to keep Gil away from her. Jo had never been completely comfortable with him joining their group in the first place, yet he’d had skills they’d needed. He’d been an asset when he wasn’t staring at her in a totally creepy way.

“Who’s been seeing you have enough food? Me. I’m the one who’s been taking care of you and the baby and you’re leaving with me now. We have a very important appointment to make.”

“Release her.”

Jo turned her head. It was Jimmy who’d spoken. He stood on the path, Mindy, a girl Jody had introduced her to, with him. The two were holding hands, but as Jo watched, Jimmy unlaced their fingers and took a step forward. “I said release her.”

Gil’s smirk turned ugly. “Or what, angel?”

Angel? The word startled Jo. How did Gil know about that?

“I make you release her.” Jimmy started forward, only Jo would swear it was Castiel. His expression held that same intent of purpose she’d witnessed in Carthage as he’d moved towards the Reapers. She had every confidence that Jimmy…or Castiel…would deal with Gil.

Her arm was released and as she stumbled back, Jo felt a sudden lessening of pressure in her stomach and liquid soaking her legs. Following that release was a pain in her lower belly about a million times worse than any menstrual cramp she’d ever had. Jo cried out, hands pressing to the spot.

“Jo!” Mindy hurried to her, one arm going around her.

She tried to remember her breathing. It should be automatic as many times as Ellen and Morgan had made her practice, but it wasn’t. She couldn’t remember if she should pant or not.

This baby was coming and it was coming now.