Title: The Curse of Bittersweet Kisses
Chapter 36
Notes: The quote is from ‘The End’.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sam was already awake when Jo got up to take a shower. Beth was, by some miracle, still sleeping, as was Dean. Sam was sitting in one chair, in track pants and a t-shirt, staring into space.
“Morning, Sam,” Jo called softly as she stepped into the bathroom. If he responded, she didn’t hear him. She showered, dressed, managed not to wake either Dean or Beth, and was getting ready to make coffee when she realized Sam hadn’t moved at all. “Sam?” Setting the coffeepot down, she turned off the faucet and regarded him a long moment. Her heart beat a fraction faster and she crossed to him. He was so still that she was half afraid he was dead. Moving closer, she leaned over him. His blink startled her and she gasped. “Sam?”
He didn’t move, though she could see now that he was breathing very slowly.
Crouching down, Jo waved a hand back and forth. His attention shifted, but not to her. He was seeing something and it certainly wasn’t her. She was reminded of that one particularly eerie moment right after she and Ellen had been raised where Sam had talked to Lucifer at the kitchen table in front of her. The moment she’d mentioned to Castiel. It was that sort of seeing. He was paying attention to things that weren’t visible to anyone else.
Dean emerged from their room, yawning and one hand rubbing across his bare chest as he headed for the bathroom. A couple minutes later, he returned and knelt beside her. “What are we looking at?”
“He’s not responding. Like he doesn’t even see me.” She waved a hand again. “See?”
“He has spells like this,” he said in a gentle tone. “They can last up to four days or so. I told you, remember?”
“I didn’t think it was like this. It’s his medicine?”
Dean nodded. “It’s not happening as much as it used to. He’d have a spell every two or three days, but the last one he had was…oh…right before you got here.”
That didn’t make sense to her. Shouldn’t the effect of his pills be consistent? Didn’t that worry Dean at all, or was he so used to it that he didn’t see how strange it was?
He cleared his throat, transferred his attention to Sam, and reached up, snapping his fingers near Sam’s face. “Sammy, look at me. It’s time to get dressed.” He repeated it several times until, finally, Sam’s eyes focused on him.
Sam licked his lips. “Dean?”
“Hey.” He smiled. “There you are. Hungry? I hear it’s French toast today. Why don’t you get dressed and go with us?”
“Jimmy.”
“Can meet us there.”
“Jo?” Sam looked at her, frowning.
“Yeah, Sam?”
“Wasn’t being rude. Did hear you. Couldn’t…answer.” His words were hard to understand, the worst slurring she’d heard yet.
Once he was in his room, presumably getting dressed, Jo followed Dean into their room. She closed the door. “He’s having hallucinations again.”
Dean tossed his clothes on the bed. “He’s been having them all along. They’re just like ghost images he told me, images that aren’t in focus or clear. They’re barely there.”
“No, I mean he was having one just now. He was seeing and hearing something like he did before he started taking the pills for it.”
He shook his head. “No. You’re imagining it.”
“Dean. Come on. You know I wouldn’t say anything unless I thought it was real.”
Slowly, he sank down to sit on the bedside. His expression when he looked up at her was almost despondent. He was afraid that she was right. “I know. I…. Sam said a few things yesterday along those lines and I thought I’d sleep on it and talk to him this morning, really push myself to accept that,” he swallowed hard, “that his hallucinations are real things and that Lucifer is still a threat.” He shook his head, biting his lip. Tears gathered in his eyes. “Why can’t it stop? Why can’t he be the normal kind of nuts, you know? I don’t….”
Stepping forward, she wrapped her arms around him, pressing his head to her chest. One hand cradled his head, the other swept back and forth across his bare back. Jo didn’t say anything, she simply held him while he struggled with his emotions. He didn’t return the embrace, yet neither did he pull away from it until his breaths became even once more.
He wiped his eyes with a hand, not looking up at her. “Guess that talk with Sam has to wait. Can’t get anywhere when he’s like this.”
“You’ll have it.”
“We’ll see.”
Beth began to stir and Jo got her ready to go to breakfast while Dean dressed and checked on Sam. Within ten minutes, they were walking along the path to the dining hall. Castiel joined them and Jo stepped back to walk with Castiel while Dean kept Sam moving towards the dining hall. She glanced at Castiel. He was watching Sam with worry in his eyes. She thought there might even be a sliver of fear mixed with it. “Where did you go yesterday? When you ran off, I mean?”
“I went to see Sam.”
“And?”
He shrugged, sliding his hands into his pants pockets. “He forgave me. You know, I think maybe I was fooling myself these months. He knew before I said anything. Greeted me with my name, just like you.”
She didn’t want to suspect him of doing something to Sam or influencing him, but right now, Jo couldn’t help it. Past track record and all. “What did you say to him?”
Her suspicion showed in her voice, for Castiel slowed his pace and finally stopped, turning to face her when she stopped as well. “Jo, do you think I had something to do with his current state?”
“Did you?”
He shook his head. “No. At least, I don’t think I did. Sam and I talked. That’s all. He expressed concerns, made a few observations, and we discussed those. I’m not an angel or monster anymore. I have no powers and Sam has a mind of his own.”
Jo twitched a brow at him. “Castiel.”
He ducked his head. “You know what I mean. He is fully capable of making his own decisions.” His gaze raised to meet hers, his head still bent. “He is.”
“Then what did he say? What concerned him?”
He started walking again and she hurried to keep up. “He mentioned he might stop taking his pills and I suggested he only do that under Morgan’s care.”
The way he said it made her think he was leaving something out there, like what had led up to Sam making that decision. “Why would he do that? Do you think he did stop taking them?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. We discussed angel-human bonds, the cage, the wall, his hallucinations, Lucifer and Michael together down there…. We talked about everything. His dreams, his nightmares. Chuck. He was rather thorough. We went through a couple hypothetical situations and responses to such situations. I had a few thoughts on what we’d discussed, something near a theory. He said he’d consider it and that we’d talk about it again later. Later will have to be when this state passes, I suppose.”
“Yeah.” She wrapped an arm about Beth in her sling and patted her back gently. “A lot of that later stuff going around.”
For the next two days, Jo couldn’t help but feel like tension was rising and something was about to happen. Beth took to crying when she was in the same room as Sam, Castiel avoided Jo and Dean both, and the worry in Morgan’s eyes deepened with every visit she made. Jo hoped that Sam hadn’t done the stupid thing and tried to go off his pills cold turkey. She suspected he had.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sam’s room felt weird. The air felt thick and close and all color seemed to be leeched from the furnishings, leaving the room shades of gray with shadow.
Dean slouched in the chair and tried to ignore the sensation. “I need you to wake up from this, Sam.”
Sam was lying on the bed fully dressed, his head turned on the pillow to stare at the wall.
Jo was right. It was different. It really was like when Sam had been having strong hallucinations except he rarely moved. He sat or laid very still, watching things no one else could see. Occasionally, he would do things for himself, like get up and get a drink of water and he did use the bathroom and shower by himself. However, even when he did those things he was unaware of what was going on around him.
“You wake up and we’ll take care of this. I promise. I don’t know how yet, but I’m with you.”
Sam didn’t respond, like he hadn’t for the past two days. When he spoke, he spoke to his hallucinations, not to the people right there with him. This was a thing Dean had once feared would happen, that Sam would get lost in his hallucinations.
Dean sighed. “I’m going to go have breakfast. Got a meeting with Jody this morning. Supply stuff. Jo’s with Ellen, but, uh, Jimmy should be along soon like usual. Morgan too most likely.” He’d almost banned Castiel from coming to the cabin, then decided the routine might help Sam.
The longer Sam was in this state, the more Morgan worried. She’d sat at Sam’s side the previous night, taking his vitals over and over and asking Dean questions on the frequency and severity of the spells. She’d affirmed what Dean hadn’t wanted to admit, that the effects Sam had to this drug weren’t natural. There should be some consistency and there wasn’t. While she hadn’t outright said that there was likely some supernatural involvement, Dean didn’t need her to. Sam had already told him and Dean hated to admit the cause.
Lucifer was there. It was all him. He’d been tormenting Sam for months and they’d thought it was just his mind. Lucifer had found a way in when he was supposed to be trapped in the cage. That knowledge weighed heavily upon Dean because how could he save Sam when he couldn’t see or hear the enemy himself? At least when Lucifer had had a temporary meat suit there’d been a physical presence for him. This was merely thin air.
This connection was what Death had walled up and Castiel had pushed down. That had to be it and why Death had been so insistent that the wall not be scratched at. Not just hell memories were running around in there, but Lucifer himself, still playing with Sam’s mind. Had Castiel known? Had he even suspected? If he did, then it made his action in shoving down the wall even worse.
His mood turned darker as Lucifer’s words from that vision came back to him.
‘Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up here. I win. So, I win.’
Details were altered, but there they were. Lucifer was in Sam’s head and Dean was very afraid those words were prophetic after all.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sam didn’t take his pills the day after he spoke with Castiel. Neither did he take them the next three days. If he had standard withdrawal symptoms, he didn’t feel them.
Christian was the first hallucination to come into focus, strutting around, all arrogance and attitude. How long had he been possessed? Sam thought that it was a good bet Christian had had a rider from the time Samuel had gathered the Campbell clan together. Crowley would have found that to be good insurance and a way to keep a clear eye on Samuel. Samuel was next, then Mark and Gwen. They were hazy at first and he almost felt they were old friends stopping by. His mind relived those memories and he found himself replying the way he had then, saying the words out loud, which he knew worried those around him.
Chuck had been gone since he’d talked to Dean and Sam thought he knew why. It was because Chuck wasn’t a hallucination. He was the visual representation his mind had chosen for God -- the real one. Or perhaps Chuck was how God had chosen to show himself: a small, unassuming, nervous man. How else to explain some of Chuck’s appearances and the sorts of things that happened? How else to explain how comforting and calming his presence was?
He spent the time sitting and waiting in that state that made Jo so nervous and was tearing Dean apart. He did see the worried looks Jo gave him and heard Dean’s pleas that he come out of it, yet while he appreciated the concern, he needed to do this. He’d thought it over and, after a few hypothetical discussions with Castiel, Sam had decided on a plan.
It was time to face his demon, or rather, his evil archangel.
Sam knew it was time. It was like a taste on his tongue or a scent in the air. The time had come to take care of this matter once and for all, one way or another.
Unfortunately, what he thought needed to be done wasn’t anything Dean could help with. Sam had determined that after going through everything Castiel could tell him on angels, the bond between them and their vessels, the cage, and Michael. Dean might even try to talk him out of this, fearing the outcome. One angel was just as bad as the other to Dean.
He tried not to be afraid, but he honestly was, wishing this was something Dean could step in and help with.
The scenes from memory sharpened and played out.
What he was waiting for didn’t take long really, much less time than he’d expected. Two weeks had been a guess, but it only took three days from the time he stopped taking the pills. The hallucinations turned darker, memories twisting. He could imagine some ominous music playing in the background and was mildly surprised when none sounded. It was that sort of detail Big L liked to insert. The scenes turned hellish, eclipsing his view of the real world.
Brace yourself, he told himself. He’s coming.
Lucifer did like to make an entrance when he’d been away for awhile.
Leaning over, Sam rested his head in his hands, preparing himself for the coming fight.
There were footsteps and someone crouching down in front of him.
“Not in the camp,” he told Lucifer, raising his head to look at the visual representation of the archangel, his hallucination that wasn’t actually a hallucination. “I want to be away from all of them.”
Lucifer smiled. “I knew you still cared.”
Sam left a note for Dean, though what his hand wrote didn’t feel like the message he tried to leave. It was Lucifer leaving Dean a message of his own and simultaneously showing Sam that he already had some measure of control over him.
That was bad. It meant Lucifer actually had more control over his mind than he’d thought.
At least he still couldn’t force Sam to say yes. Try to trick him, but not force.
“Let’s get this show on the road, Sammy boy.” He slung an arm around Sam’s shoulders. “Together to the end.” Leaning over, Lucifer pressed a noisy kiss to his cheek. “We’re like Laverne and Shirley. Link arms with me and we’ll do their walk.”
He shrugged off the embrace and ignored the suggestion, snatching up the keys to the shed and to the Impala. Later, he knew Dean would be upset for him taking her, but he needed her to be his grounding point for awhile longer. The walk to the shed was uneventful save the intense conversation Dean and Morgan appeared to be having. She was probably talking to Dean about the conversation Sam had had with her the other day. She’d been worried and he understood her approaching Dean now if that was the case. His fairly unresponsive state had worried her as well as Jo. He’d seen the spark of desperation in Morgan’s eyes when he hadn’t responded to her.
Lucifer chatted all the way to their destination and Sam was surprised to find that it wasn’t the place he’d wanted to go. He’d wanted to go to Bobby’s house and lock himself in the panic room. Instead, he found himself in a half dead garden that looked familiar. After a few seconds, he placed it.
Jackson County Sanatorium.
“Ready when you are, Sam.”
He swallowed hard and hoped that what Castiel had theorized was right, because it was the only thing he knew to do to stop this.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Dean, can I talk to you?”
He looked up at Morgan’s voice, intent on refusing, but something in her expression made him slow his pace and wait for her. “What’s up?”
“I think Sam stopped taking his meds and I think Jimmy had something to do with it.”
“What?” No. That was bad. Very bad.
“Sam wanted a physical a few days back, so I gave him one. We talked about his meds, lower dosages, withdrawal symptoms…. I thought he was asking about trying to find a new one that maybe wouldn’t affect him the way this one does, but he cut me off. He said we could talk about different one in a week or two, that he needed to think. I did some research over the next few days and took it him to look at and to make a recommendation.”
“Okay. What makes you think Jimmy is involved?”
“Because I saw them talking the day before Sam went almost catatonic.”
“That doesn’t prove anything. So they talked.”
“That doesn’t prove anything, no, but they both acted like they were up to something or hiding something at the very least. Jimmy also said we should wait two weeks. Why two weeks? It made no sense.”
“Maybe you’re imagining things.”
“Maybe,” she acknowledged, “but I don’t think I am considering the very next day Sam was staring into space like he was practically catatonic. Dean, I think Sam stopped taking his medication. I think that’s a chunk of what’s wrong with him now. If he tried to go cold turkey, it wouldn’t be good. It could mess him up. His meds should be slowly dialed back, not cut off. This is reckless behavior from him and he’d have to be in excellent physical shape to have a chance of getting through withdrawal.”
“And you gave him a physical and he’s in excellent shape.” Damn. What the hell was Sam thinking?
“Yes. Everyone here has mentioned that Jimmy has been with him almost constantly. He has influence, Dean. I’ve seen it and I’m sure you have, too. He was there that night and, while I hate to come to you with only a hunch, I know in my gut they were cooking up something together.”
All of Dean’s emotions on Castiel and Sam came to a boiling point and he turned, striding towards Castiel’s cabin. Morgan followed behind him. He pounded on the door. As soon as it opened, he grabbed Castiel by the shirt and whirled him around, shoving him as he let go. Castiel hit the railing hard.
“Dean, what -- ”
“You son of a bitch!” He shoved him. Castiel stumbled down the steps. “What, is it not enough that you had to destroy his mind once, but you have to do it again?”
Castiel looked confused, hands raising. “What are you talking about?”
Dean rolled his eyes. “Don’t play dumb, Cas. I know it’s you. Morgan told me about your little talk with Sam. I just can’t get away from you trying to destroy my brother. First, you pushed down the wall meant to keep him sane. And now? Now, you convinced Sam to go off his meds.”
“I never told him to do that. We talked about facing ourselves and facing our demons, or in his case, his archangel.”
He admitted he was Castiel by not denying it. “Facing his archangel? Do you remember the last time he did that, Castiel? I do. It ended with my brother in the cage.”
A crowd began to gather.
“I may have said it’s easier to face things with a clear mind, but, Dean, I never told him not to take them. I told him he should be under Morgan’s care if he wanted to try that.” He gestured at her. “I know it’s not safe to simply stop taking medication and if I understand it all correctly, they’re what’s keeping him just out of Lucifer’s grasp and in control of his body. I think the medicine does something to his body that makes it hard for Lucifer to reach him easily. It’d be a very bad thing if he stopped --”
Dean swung at him.
Castiel threw himself back against the cabin wall at the last second. “Listen to me. Sam’s still connected to the cage which means Lucifer can get out. The…the wall, “ he made a motion with his hands, talking faster and faster as if afraid Dean wouldn’t let him finish, “Death put up was there to keep that from happening and, yes, I completely suck for demolishing it and I’m sorry I did it, but the thing is, if Sam accepts Lucifer, it all starts all over again.”
Dean grabbed his shirt with one hand and hit him hard with the other. “I should have killed you that day in the clearing.”
“Lucifer is real. He is.” A second punch had him stumbling back, tripping and falling to the ground. “You and I both know how bad him getting out now could be. But Sam can close the connection, I’m sure of it. It’s an unprecedented action for a human to do it, but he can because -- ”
He continued to hit him, only this time Castiel didn’t lie there and let it happen, he tried to defend himself, managing to send Dean sprawling and return to his feet.
“Dean, will you just listen?” Castiel evaded one punch, but the next one sent him back to the ground. “Damn it!”
Two men dragged Dean back from him.
“I never told him to stop taking the pills,” Castiel repeated, getting to his feet. “We discussed the problem and Michael and the --”
He shook his head, relaxing enough that the men released his arms. “He’s taking a pill right now,” Dean bit out, “if I have to cram it down his throat.” He pointed a finger at the ground. “You stay right there. You and me, we’re talking after he’s medicated again.”
Only Sam wasn’t in their cabin. All Dean could find was a note.
