Title: The Best Laid Plans

Chapter: 6

~~~~~~~~~~

Castiel’s condition hadn’t changed by the time Sam got back. She was still feverish and sweating, her skin and hair so wet it looked like she’d just gotten out of a bath. It was a very human condition. He had trouble seeing her like that and wondered if Dean did too. Was he reminded, as Sam was, how much Castiel had always given for them both, but more specifically, for Dean himself? That’s really what it came down to; what she’d do for Dean.

It wasn’t a creepy, possessive, destined-to-be-together sort of devotion either, not like what Dean had experienced with Lisa. Sam had heard all about that by now and found no comparison. This was Castiel being Castiel. After all, this was the same angel who’d fallen from heaven to help Dean. For her to do this switch and be determined to push through it was a normal display of her feelings and devotion. She wasn’t manipulating Dean. She was trying to make a change that would allow them to have that relationship they’d begun on a permanent level, an action that was taking a real, physical and mental toll upon her.

This was changing her.

As those days passed, Sam saw that Dean was very aware of the depths of Castiel’s feelings and fully understood what it meant. That awareness was reflected upon his face even when he wasn’t in that room with her. He was feeling helpless to help her and torn between following her wishes and opening that door and letting her go, much like what Castiel had done months earlier. He was on edge.

And that was where Sam and Bobby stepped in, pretending they weren’t worried, trying to bolster Dean’s moods and encourage him.

Dean spent hours bathing her with a cloth dipped in cold water in an attempt to bring down the fever. When Dean grew tired or needed a break, Sam took over. Even Bobby took a few turns, exchanging looks with Sam that conveyed how very wrong they both knew the fever and sweating to be. It wasn’t normal. Couldn’t be. No matter what Castiel claimed in her lucid moments.

Neither shared those fears with Dean. He was worried enough without them adding to it. They both knew their role was keeping Dean from taking an impulsive action that would negate everything simply because he couldn’t continue to watch Cas in pain. It got to where they were watching Dean as much as they watched Castiel.

Sam spent a lot of time pondering the process and what they might not know. It was entirely possible Castiel’s contact had been less than truthful or even unaware of things herself.

What if this ‘process’ wasn’t simply an adjustment period? What if it was hurting Castiel like this because there weren’t supposed to be female vessels anymore?

Castiel had once theorized that females capable of being vessels had been bred from the lines. Why would they unless there was a far deeper reason for it than a little extra sensitivity? A glitch in them perhaps that wasn’t beneficial to either the angel or the vessel?

What if it was locking Cas inside Risa’s body, making her a prisoner there, unable to leave? She’d already said it was all or nothing and that she couldn’t leave or she’d either have to go through it again or find a new vessel. Was she so sure she’d be able to leave Risa’s body when it was done? What if she had to for some reason and couldn’t? And if she could and had no other vessel available…. What sane angel would go through this again?

What if it was as plain as not being able to leave when it was done? It seemed horribly likely to Sam the more he contemplated who had originally handed out the vessel assignments. If the process was this bad for all angels, Castiel’s initial theory about angels being given a female vessel as punishment from Zachariah made terrible sense. Knowing Zachariah, it was even logical to assume that, just like Castiel had assumed it.

And then there was the matter of Risa. Sam wondered about her. Unless Castiel was shielding her, how could she survive the prolonged spiked fever? With Castiel being in as much pain as she was, could she even try to shield Risa? Was it burning away the mind and essence of the woman, leaving her unable to communicate and Cas unable to communicate with her? Sam knew angels could communicate inside with their vessels if they wished. It was one full truth he’d discovered with Lucifer, a thing Lucifer couldn’t cover up and hide from him. Angels had the option of talking to their vessels, even the lower grade angels like Castiel had started out as.

As the days passed, he worried about both Castiel and Risa, his mind moving back and forth from question and theory to question and theory, never able to fully settle on probable answers. Really, all they could do was wait and see what happened at the end, because Dean had promised to let Castiel go through it; to not release her until it was done. Sam would stand by that promise. He’d promised her himself that he’d support her if she chose this and she had.

Castiel had made her wishes clear. To go against those wishes, especially at this point, would cause a loss of trust and they didn’t need that between any of them. It would be best if they stood strong, united together. All of them. Him, Castiel, Dean, and Bobby.

Sam didn’t loose any of his fears from his tongue, keeping them to himself. Nor did he hint to Castiel what he suspected. He hoped, wished, and prayed every day that he was wrong and that Castiel’s contact hadn’t been rationalizing to herself.

~~~~~~~~~~~

The thought that Castiel could be dying occupied Dean’s waking thoughts and his sleeping ones. He now had nightmares of waking to find her body cold and Cas gone forever. She wasn’t even in a clear enough state to call him out for his fears, which only added to them. It didn’t help that neither Sam nor Bobby expressed their own reservations. He could see it in their eyes. They thought the same thing he did, yet pretended to him that they didn’t. They tried to keep him calm and upbeat, reminding him that this was supposed to take awhile.

While he appreciated their efforts, and he really did, those efforts weren’t working. He couldn’t stay calm when Castiel was hurting like she was and couldn’t help but wonder if this would end up just another ‘screw you’ in his life where he lost someone he cared about.

When one of them relieved him from sitting with her, he’d go outside and walk. Nine times out of ten, he’d end up taking his frustrations out on one of the broken down cars a ways from the house -- kicking it, hitting it with a tire iron or anything else he found handy. He did that and then returned to the house and pretended they hadn’t been able to hear him yelling. His voice became hoarse from all the frustrated yelling he did.

It would tear him apart completely to lose both Castiel and Risa when Risa had agreed to this so he wouldn’t lose them both completely. Every time his mind strayed to that idea, he stopped the thought before it could finish and went to down another shot of whiskey to steady himself. He began to drink a lot again.

It won’t happen, he told himself. Cas is gonna be fine. This is part of the process.

At least with the physical sensitivity down to almost normal levels he could hold her without her crying out that it hurt. But her emotions were in a constant state of flux and that was almost as bad.

In sheer desperation for some kind of reassurance, Dean did the one thing he’d never thought he’d actually do.

He hated the thought of dealing with Balthazar, but he was the only angel Dean knew personally who gave a damn about Castiel and might even have some sort of information. Palming Cas’s phone just in case a good holler at the sky didn’t work, he headed out in the yard and away from the house.

“Hey Balthazar! You out there somewhere, you arrogant, condescending dick?”

He waited. Five minutes. Ten. At fifteen, he drew the phone out, found the name, and dialed. Later, he’d question why Balthazar was using a cell phone, but for now, he was glad he was. It picked up on the fourth ring.

“This had better be important, Castiel.”

To feel relief at Balthazar’s voice was surreal. “Oh it is important, and it’s not Cas.”

There was the soft whooshing sound of wings and Balthazar’s voice came from behind him. “Sneaky, sneaky. Stealing Castiel’s phone now?”

Dean ended the call and put the phone away, not bothering with anything close to pleasantries. He wanted answers. “Cas is sick and I need you to look at her.”

“Her?” Balthazar closed his phone and slipped it into his pocket, eyes narrowing. He stepped closer. “What has dear Castiel been up to?”

“Maybe you’d better just come take a look.”

“Maybe this is one of your pathetic little traps. How many times have you tried to kill me now?”

“Plenty and I’m sure that won’t stop anytime soon. But this is…. I need to know it isn’t killing her and you’ve claimed to be her friend. You’ve even behaved like it a few times.”

“There’s that feminine pronoun again. I must admit I am intrigued by your continued use of it. Surely Castiel didn’t….” His eyes narrowed further and then he blinked. “Did Cas take a female vessel?” The idea appeared to surprise Balthazar, maybe even disturb him a little. “Did he?”

“Yes.”

“Why? What happened to that perfectly good male vessel?”

Dean looked away, knowing full well his expression was anything but neutral. He didn’t want to be vulnerable before Balthazar and couldn’t help it. His worry for Castiel was too great to try to hide it.

Balthazar’s laugh was amused and grating. “Oh, this gives me hope for poor, idealistic, duty-obsessed Castiel. Did she loosen up for a ride on the pleasure train? Several rides, perhaps? An ongoing little trip?”

“Don’t waste my time. Will you look at her or not?”

“How are you keeping her here?” He crossed his arms.

“Enochian symbols on the walls.”

“Ooh, creative!”

“Look, it’s been nearly a month and she’s still….” Dean shook his head. “Never mind. Don’t do me any favors.”

“Are you drunk, ape man? A chance to gain a favor from you and see Castiel in a female vessel? Lead on.”

He took Balthazar into the house, past Bobby and Sam’s sleeping forms, and up the stairs. “She’s in there.” He pointed at the door, half afraid to go in and see any new changes that had occurred.

Balthazar watched him a moment. “Have I your promise that you’ll let me back out?”

“Keep the damn door open if you’re worried. I don’t really care.” He retreated to the stairs, sitting and waiting. “Just don’t let her past you.”

The door opened and remained open until the angel came back out after only a few minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dean, Sam, and Bobby’s fears were plain to Castiel and she hesitated to admit that she shared them. This was unlike anything she’d ever experienced before and it was frightening to go through. She never knew from one minute to the next what was going to happen. Would the sweating and fever return? Would she be angry for no reason or crying? Round and round her emotions went, whirling fast and furious as a cyclone, those times of rest between episodes gone.

Castiel couldn’t take much more of this.

It just didn’t stop.

All she wanted was an end to it one way or another.

She heard the door open and knew another angel had joined her.

“Well, well, Castiel. Don’t you look surprisingly attractive in a woman’s body.”

She opened her eyes and stifled a groan, rolling onto her side to face him. “Balthazar. What are you doing here?”

He smirked. “Your lover called me using your phone. I say, Cas, you are full of surprises. Switching vessels for Dean Winchester?” Sitting, he touched her forehead briefly with a hand, the smirk fading. “You’re also a braver bastard than I am. You should be upstairs for this process.”

“Dean would worry.”

“As if he isn’t already? He’s so sure you’re dying that he called me to reassure him. That should indicate to you how much he cares about you since he utterly despises me. Not to mention it should tell you how I consider you in that I actually followed him here and stepped into this room.”

“Go away.” She rolled over and found him, annoyingly, on that side of the bed.

“I came because he said you were sick and as you know we don’t get sick, so my curiosity was well piqued. You, taking a female vessel to get laid. I’m impressed by such dedication to a task. Perhaps you’ll start another trend among our siblings. I can see them now, fighting over those few female vessels. You’re such a trend-setter. Who ever would have known even five years ago that you’d influence us all like you have?”

“You came to chatter incessantly at me. Leave now.”

He laughed, a sound that grated on her nerves. “Snappy. Must be nearing the end of the process if you’re this easily upset. How many days has it been?”

“Dean didn’t tell you?”

“I wasn’t listening.”

Cas rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling. “Nearly a month.”

“The fever and sweating has passed?”

She rolled her eyes. “Obviously.” She’d been glad to have the fever and sweats stop and relieved to still be able to reach Risa. Risa has been groggy and slow to respond, but no more so than Jimmy had ever been. Their internal bond was intact and strong. Cas glanced at Balthazar.

His lips curved in another smirk. Castiel had never realized how often he did that before now. It was a constant expression. A smirk here, a smirk there. Would he still smirk if she punched him in the mouth? “Buck up, princess, you’re almost through it.”

“How would you know that?”

“Oh, I’ve seen this before.”

“When,” she demanded.

“I’ve a friend who went through the process before I skipped out. She nearly didn’t make it through though, said that she’d never leave her vessel if it meant doing it again.” He touched her forehead again with his hand. “I always knew you had hidden strength, Castiel. Hang on. Shouldn’t be much longer. I’d say a few days at most.” He got up and sauntered from view, closing the door behind him.

There had been a gleam in his eyes that she fixed to memory in order to mull it over when she was done with the process. That gleam warned her that she wasn’t going to like whatever he did next. He was going to make a mess that she’d have to sort out. Again.

~~~~~~~~~~

To see Balthazar in good spirits when he emerged from the bedroom didn’t quite alleviate Dean’s fears. Slowly, he stood. He’d seen this level of cheer from this angel before and not one time had it ever actually been good. He wasn’t about to believe it now without some verbal verification that Castiel would be fine.

Balthazar stopped beside him, touching his arm and taking them outside, to that spot away from the house.

“So? What’s the verdict?”

“She’ll be fine. A few more days and you’ll have your lover back.” He stared at Dean, curiosity winking in his eyes. “By doing this for you and herself, do you realize what she’s done? The full ramifications of it?”

“What are you talking about?” Ramifications? What the hell did he mean by that?

“No, I see you don’t. Doubt she does yet, either. She will when she returns to heaven however…. By taking a female vessel at this stage of the war and making it through the process successfully without heaven’s aid at all, Castiel has stepped up the game. She’s shown she’s more powerful and determined than they thought and therefore not to be underestimated at all. No one has ever finished that process without heaven’s aid. It wasn’t supposed to be possible to withstand it without us to help ease the transition. Once more, Castiel shows us that there are more things possible that we ever thought could be.”

“I don’t --”

“Get it, yes. Cas must prefer beauty over brains.”

“Bite me.”

Balthazar snickered at the insult. “She’s joined an elite club of very determined, strong-willed angels. There are few females but those there are…. Are you familiar with the phrase, ‘the female of the species is more deadly than the male’?”

“Sure.” He couldn’t say where it had come from, but he’d heard it.

“True for vesseled angels. Those determined, strong-willed angels…. I believe there’s a myth of a race of warrior women here on earth known for their ferocious deeds in battle? Equate the two together. Raphael will see this as a greater challenge against what he considers to be his authority over heaven. It’s a bold, direct move, and a show of pure strength.” He smiled almost wistfully. “Castiel just advanced her cause and our war by centuries. Angels will flock to join her side now. So many of us want to be on the winning side.”

“She advanced it with a simple vessel change?”

“Is anything simple with us, Dean?”

“Not the best word choice I suppose. Didn’t Cas know any of this about the vessels?”

Balthazar sighed. “Castiel has the enviable ability to be so focused upon a task that much else is periphery. I however, am not blessed with that particular gift. I’m more the ‘ooh, shiny’ type. But for this…. I might even rejoin the fight.” He rook a few steps to Dean’s left. “I’ve made a study of female vessels. When I began to make plans to leave, I thought of choosing one of those available and sought out the information. It’s not readily available. Zachariah chose to keep the details of them a well-guarded secret. He did like his power, as you well know. Anything that aided him some way in keeping his power or advancing to more was closely guarded. Castiel couldn’t have known any of this before, as she’d not considered female vessels as anything different than male vessels. It took a moment in one to see the difference. Those who go through the process weren’t to talk about it. I suppose that will change now.”

“Will it? Or will someone else hold that secret?”

Balthazar’s expression shifted into one of triumphant glee. “It’ll change. I plan to change it. I plan to shout it from the rooftops. Let’s see Raphael keep it quiet once I get started.”

He was gone before Dean could say anything more.

Dean returned to the house and counted the days. A few Balthazar had said. If the angel lied…. Well, he’d just have to hunt him down and kill him.

~~~~~~~~~~

Relief came on gradually, Castiel’s hope growing with each calm moment that passed. She opened her eyes and turned her head on the pillow.

Dean was asleep beside her. She rolled onto her side and propped her head in her hand. He looked tired, lines of strain on his face even as he was relaxed in sleep. This had been just as hard on him as it had been on her. She tugged the covers up a little higher on his chest and laid her hand there, feeling that rise and fall with breath. After a moment, she raised that hand and touched his forehead, giving him a gentle push into a deeper state of sleep.

She didn’t grow tired of watching him sleep, but since she knew he found it creepy, Castiel got up and slowly dressed. Today was a new day, the first full day of her new life in a female vessel. She could feel it and knew that she was herself again. Still emotional to an extent, evened out just like her contact had said.

She smiled and sat down beside Dean to wait for him to wake.

~~~~~~~~~~

Something was different.

Dean woke from a surprisingly restful sleep and sensed the change in the very air. Castiel was dressed, sitting on the side of the bed with her back very straight and legs crossed. Ladylike. Had Risa told her to sit like that in those short skirts? Only Cas could make that pose look even halfway comfortable he reflected, as he sat up and scooted towards her. He touched her back, dropped a kiss on her shoulder. “Morning. You’re all gussied up.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to wake up.”

“Yeah? Why? What’s up?” He rested his chin on her shoulder.

She turned her head slightly. “I should return to my work now. Rejoin the fight.”

Lifting his head, he studied her. Her skin wasn’t hot anymore, the sweating still gone, and she looked calm. “How do you feel? Any intense urges going on?”

“I believe the worst has passed. I feel much like day three at one-third of the way through the day. There are emotions and physical sensations, but they are now bearable. I can manage tasks at this level. I believe my period of adjustment is over.”

“Just like that.” Dean nodded, sighed, placed a kiss on her cheek, and shook his head. “A couple more days. Let’s see if it dials back down to day two, one, or even zero.”

“Female vessels are more emotional. Angels in female vessels do struggle with feelings and sensations. I was given confirmation, therefore, I won’t revert back to how I was in Jimmy.”

“You may trust your source, but I don’t. I’d like a couple more days to make sure that if I have you back like this, it’s not to lose you to them.”

Sliding to the right, she turned to face him. “My contact was not unemotional, Dean. I assure you. She spent our meeting smoothing her clothes. The feeling of the fabrics beneath her fingers calms her. She admitted it’s the reason she does it.”

“Your contact is obsessive-compulsive?”

“She was dealing with her feelings in a way that makes sense for her.”

He held up two fingers. “Two days. Give me two more days and if you’re okay, we’ll cut you loose.”

Castiel sighed, stared up at the ceiling a long moment, then took his hand in hers, squeezing lightly. “Very well. Because you ask me to.”

It occurred to him that she did a lot of things for that reason and he cupped her neck with his free hand, thumb sliding along her skin, caressing in gentle swoops. “Don’t do it because I ask you to. Do it because you want to make sure you’re well enough to leave.”

“I am well enough. Dean, I can feel that I’m myself.” She released his hand and changed position, moving to kneel in front of him, her hands raising to cup his face. “I’ve no delusion like a human could have that I’m well when I’m not. I was sick and now I’m well. I have no doubt. I’ll stay to relieve your fears because it matters to me that you don’t worry about me. You’ve no need to worry. You know this.”

“I wish that were true.”

“It is.”

“You could die in your civil war. Raphael could have you assassinated.”

Her lips curved up a fraction. “I’ve proven very hard to kill.” Leaning close, she pressed a warm, enticing kiss to his lips.

It was a deliberate distraction from the conversation and Dean let it distract. He knew they’d have this conversation again, but for now, she was still there with him, safe in his arms.