Title: The Best Laid Plans

Chapter: 2

~~~~~~~~~~

Jimmy was pondering what Risa’s offer meant to him personally when Castiel and Sam appeared, Sam holding on to her wrist with a grip that looked painful.

“Release me, Sam.”

“It’s the emotions talking, Cas, you know that.”

“Release me!” She tugged at her wrist, nearly succeeding in both pulling it from his grip and dragging him forward.

“No. He’s hurting and he lashed out.”

“Dean no longer wants me.” Her eyes were wide open, almost panicked.

“Bullshit. He says your name in his sleep, which I thought was a little odd until today.”

“I’ll go back to Jimmy.”

“Haul ass to the other end of the house, Jimmy,” Sam ordered in a harsh bark. “Now!”

He stayed in the room, though as a concession to make Sam feel better, he moved out of Castiel’s direct reach. Cas could still pop beside him no matter where he was anyway, so it didn’t matter if he left or not.

“I’ll leave Risa, take her back to him, and he can hold her hand as she dies.”

“Stop it!”

“She’s the one he wants, Sam, not me.”

“The hell she is.”

“He loves her now --”

Sam grasped her arms and shook her hard. “Get a grip, Cas!”

She shoved him and Sam stumbled back, nearly tripping over the footstool before regaining his balance. Castiel glared at him. “Don’t do that again,” she snapped. “Don’t shake me again, Sam. You will regret it if you do.”

Jimmy took a couple steps back towards them. “Castiel?” He waited until she’d transferred her annoyed stare to him before continuing. “Would you do something for me?” He raised his hands.

“What?”

“Take a few deep breaths, nice and slow.” He moved to stand between her and Sam.

“I fail to see what the point of that would be.”

“Jimmy’s right, Cas. You need to calm down and you need to do it now.” Sam stepped around from behind him to stand beside him.

“Just do it. For me?” Jimmy angled his body, trying to keep her attention on him and off of Sam.

She rolled her eyes, but took an exaggerated breath. “There. Happy.”

He made a ‘rolling’ gesture with one hand. “A couple more.”

With each breath, she looked less agitated and upset. Slowly, she stepped back and sank into the overstuffed chair. While she appeared more calm, Jimmy could see the churning of emotion in her eyes. Castiel was anything but calm. Whatever Dean had said to her had caused this. Jimmy had warned her Dean would be upset, angry, and would likely say or do something to upset her in return, because that was what humans did. Obviously, she hadn’t fully internalized his advice. Obviously, her hope had outweighed that advice.

“What happened,” Jimmy asked.

Cas looked up at him. “I told them the situation, Dean no longer wants me, he wants her, and she’s going to die.” Her voice was sulky, rife with emotional hurt.

“Okay.” He turned to Sam. “What happened?”

“I already told you the facts.” Castiel crossed her legs, adjusting her skirt across her knees.

“You’ve given me a quarter fact and three-quarters raw emotion. I want to hear what Sam has to say.”

She snorted and rolled her eyes again.

Were the effects of the female vessel hitting her faster than it had previously or was it just Jimmy’s imagination? He still wasn’t sure this was a good idea, but Castiel was eager to return to Dean. While Jimmy could understand it, the old issues hadn’t gone away. There was the matter of angelic duties for one.

“Dean lashed out, Cas was hurt by what he said -- which he didn’t mean -- and she left right after I grabbed on to her knowing she’d take off. I could see that coming a mile away. Castiel is nothing if not consistent in that particular angelic behavior.” He sat across from Castiel, on the edge of the couch cushion. “He doesn’t love Risa, Cas.” Sam shook his head. “He’s said some pretty strange things to me these past months, like how he thought he’d loved her, but then suddenly it felt different and he couldn’t figure out how when nothing had changed. Dean doesn’t love Risa. It’s apparent now that when that feeling of love changed is when you went back to Jimmy full-time and all that was left was her alone.”

“Why did he say that to me then?”

“For the same reason you zapped us out of there. The emotional pain.” He sighed. “You took away someone that was special to him -- you -- and replaced her with someone else. Then you bring all that back and tell him that his someone else is dying. Of course he’s in pain right now. You are too. You’ll both be in pain for awhile from it.”

She stared at him. Jimmy could practically see the struggle inside her on whether or not to believe Sam. “You’re certain he didn’t mean it?”

“Absolutely.”

Jimmy sat on the arm of her chair. She was calming down in slow degrees. Stepping back into Risa had been a more emotional action than Cas had anticipated. He thought she’d been incredibly naïve regarding many things that involved Risa. She’d gone into that motel room in Risa’s body and felt all those things she’d felt for Dean again, only with added pain of knowing she’d changed things for nothing. She’d made a decision that had done little good in the end and might even have harmed Dean emotionally.

“I apologize, Sam. This is harder than I’d thought it would be. Having that full range of emotion once more is still overwhelming.” She clasped her hands together. “If I accept Risa’s offer, I’m uncertain how I’ll cope with the constant barrage of feelings and sensations.”

Sam rested his forearms on his thighs. “There are techniques that are supposed to help with that.”

“Like what?” She snorted. The amount of annoyance Castiel could display in a single snort frankly amazed Jimmy. “Breathing techniques?”

“Yeah, like breathing techniques. They work, Cas. Even Dean knows that. He’s used them before. Just take slow, deep breaths when you feel it starting to hit you --”

Her laugh was low, throaty, and thoroughly not amused. “You’re not getting it, are you, Sam?” She leaned forward, hands clenching the arms of the chair. “That pain you speak of dismissively will be so intense that when it happens, I’ll want to flee this body to get away from it -- and have. To stay in Risa, I’ll need to figure out some way to deal with that on a permanent, day-to-day basis because once Jimmy is safely with his family, there’ll be no going back. I promised him that if I did this, I wouldn’t return to him as a vessel ever. Neither him nor Claire.”

“You two talked about this already?”

“We talked,” Jimmy told him. The experience of being in Risa the first time had changed Castiel and Jimmy’s relationship in a way Jimmy had been glad to have. There was more consideration given to him now than ever before. Cas had become very aware of how her actions could affect others, including her vessel.

“Of course.” Castiel glanced at Jimmy. “My decision affects him and his family. I wouldn’t not discuss this one with him.”

“How certain are you that you’re going to accept her offer?”

“I wanted your thoughts on it, yours and Dean’s. I already have Jimmy’s thoughts. I’d need to take greater care in protecting him and his family, but I’ve made a few friends upstairs who are entirely trustworthy and would aid me. Their safety would be a priority, but,” she bit her lip, “I’m ninety-five-point-seven percent certain at this moment that I’ll accept.”

“What about heaven? The fight with Raphael that’s still going on? What about doing your job? Or isn’t that a concern anymore? Are you falling? Giving up on heaven? How is making this choice now different than seven months ago when you weighed it all and decided to go back to Jimmy?”

“I’m not falling, Sam, nor am I giving up on heaven. I’m choosing to take a different vessel that could provide…perks unavailable with my current vessel. And it is different. The choice is not purely for my own gain. That makes a big difference. It’s not only for me to love Dean, though it is a consideration, of course. It’s to give Jimmy his life and family back, give Dean a return to the peace and healing he’d begun to experience. It’s to give Risa the comfort she’s looking for. She’s asking me to numb the emotional pain she’s feeling, that very same thing I do for Jimmy and Jimmy does for me. She wants to do this, Sam.”

“Perks. That’s a word Dean would use.” There was the hint of an amused smile forming on Sam’s lips. “You mean sex and emotions.”

“Moving to her permanently would mean severing my connection to Jimmy -- what I’d forgotten to do with Risa after changing her memories. I’d transfer fully to her and figure out some way to cope with the increase in sensory information. I know it can be done, because there are angels in female vessels currently on earth. I simply aren’t certain how to do it. I’ll have to learn as I work, I suppose, or track one down that’s friendly to my cause in heaven. Likely I will do the latter.”

“You really think you can make it work with Dean? Balance out heaven and earth? You’re willing to go through that day to day pain --”

“Yes, Sam, I am and I do think it can work. I will make it work because without Dean….” She shrugged. “I’ve been lost. I’ve been half of what I should be. I’ve been…”

“Incomplete,” Jimmy finished for her.

Her glance was grateful and she nodded. “Yes. I feel broken without him, which is very much like the sensation I had while becoming human. The feeling of loss on such a fundamental level….”

Emotions crossed Sam’s face, Jimmy identifying them as he saw them. Surprise, regret, fear, sadness, resignation and finally, understanding. Sam nodded. “Okay. Okay. If you want to do this and you’ve weighed the risks completely…I’ll support you. I’ll do what I can to help keep you and Dean as stable as possible.”

“Why? Why this time? Last time --”

Sam sighed. “Because you’re walking in with your eyes wide open. You’ve experienced both sides -- with Dean and without him after having that relationship. You know the consequences you could face, but you also know that you need Dean. He needs you. You’ve thought about it all and I think you decided long ago that if you ever had this very chance, you’d take it and damn the consequences.”

Castiel’s chin raised a fraction, though she didn’t reply to that charge, lending it a sense of absolute truth.

“Just don’t ever do what you did with the memories again and we’ll be golden.”

“I won’t. I know better.”

“You do know Dean’s going to want to hear all of this from Risa, right?”

Jimmy stood. “No time like the present. Let’s go now.”

Castiel looked at him, hesitancy in her eyes, then nodded once, stretched her hands out to him and Sam, and took them to the motel room.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s starting.

The thought ran through Risa’s mind when Castiel left her and she felt a burst of physical weakness that hadn’t been there the last time. The sickness inside her was beginning to affect her body. She sank down into a chair at the table a little harder than she’d intended, not missing the concern in Dean’s eyes. The hurt on his face prompted a fresh welling of tears that she blinked away.

Would he understand why she was choosing to be Castiel’s vessel? Would he get what was going on in her mind?

“Cancer,” he prompted, his shoulders shifting as though the word made him uncomfortable. The word made a lot of people uncomfortable. In many cases it meant death. Like in hers.

“Yes. I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t had to have an extensive physical this year. I should have expected it with my family history, but….”

He glanced at Castiel and back. “Why call Cas? Why not call me the second you knew? I mean, I thought you and I were --”

She clasped her hands together on the tabletop. They were trembling and felt so very cold. She wanted to reach out and touch him, yet he suddenly seemed very far away from her, as though a wall had come up between them. “I knew what he was, what he could do. I’d hoped that even while he disliked me, that he’d heal me and he did try. Dean, I felt and saw his desperation to heal me and his anger and despair when he realized he couldn’t outright and that the only way to stall the…the can…it is for me to become his vessel again, this time full-time like Jimmy is.”

“Yeah, about that. Why offer yourself? He has Jimmy already.”

“But his vessel has a family. I don’t. I’ve some friends, but no blood family left. You. You know I love you because I’ve said it, but Dean…. I know you don’t love me.” Risa was proud that her voice didn’t break on the word ‘love’. “It’s Castiel you love and yeah, it hurts a little to know that. More than a little, really. Still, I do know you care about me.”

“Risa --”

“It’s Castiel as me that you love. He showed me some of his memories, which was quite the trippy experience I might add, and I saw how you looked at him. You’ve never looked at me that way, not once.” She unclasped her hands. “I know what losing people means to you and I’m dying. It’s unavoidable at this point. I am dying. It will happen. Now, if I can give you that happiness back that you had with Castiel as me, then I’ll do it. I’ll be his vessel, because I want you happy. I’ll be his vessel and you won’t be losing me, not really. I’ll be in there, united with Castiel in loving you.” She blinked, dislodging the tears in her eyes. “So really, it’s like a two for one deal.”

“Don’t be glib about this. Don’t make jokes.”

“Dean --”

“I’m attached to you, Risa.”

“I know that. I’d be dead already if Castiel hadn’t taken that initial action. The only reason you had me at all for any length of time is because of him and what you had with him to start with. If I don’t do this, I’ll be dead, as in really dead, long gone and you’ll never have Castiel back the way you want. If I do, then you’ll have both of us. Mostly Castiel, of course. Which would you rather? Neither or both?”

“I tried to love you. I knew something felt different and now I know why. It was because Cas left and there was only you there.”

Stretching out her hands, she touched his, covered them with her own, encouraged when he didn’t move away. “You can have that all-encompassing love you had with Castiel back. He loves you, Dean, and wants to be with you and you’ll never have to worry about him except with the angel war because he can take care of anything that comes his way. He’s a freakin’ angel.”

“I need to think about this.”

“Don’t take too long. I’m on a somewhat limited timeframe here. While I’m not sick yet, I will be and soon. I’m going to get sicker and sicker very fast.”

Dean nodded and pulled his hands out from beneath hers. “I’ll be back in awhile.”

She watched him leave and sat there with Sam. Waiting, hoping, and praying that Dean would approve and that the only one who would ever be aware of how scared she was of really dying was Castiel.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sam didn’t want to stay. What he wanted was to give Dean and Risa privacy for this emotional talk, yet Risa insisted he stay. Why? Was it because Sam was on board with her plan and would support her if need be?

He shifted a little on the bed, uncomfortable with being a witness. Dean’s expression was as stony as Castiel could be at times and Risa? She appeared to be on the verge of a breakdown, barely holding herself together. Maybe she’d asked him to stay so they both wouldn’t break down, a polite check and balance in order for her to be able to say what she needed to say to Dean.

The talk was going about as well as he’d thought it would. Their voices were low, Risa doing most of the talking. Castiel stood beside him, also watching them. Sam wondered if he was listening in on what was being said.

“You don’t have to stay, Cas. This could take awhile. Take a walk or something. Go sit at the park.”

Cas didn’t say anything, but heeded that advice, slipping from view in a second.

When the talk was over, Dean left the room and Sam took that chair he’d vacated. “You know I was skeptical about you, right?”

At least he remembered being so. That natural skepticism for a civilian woman attempting a relationship with a hunter. Risa, however, had surprised him, rising to the task with a willingness to learn and understand. She’d taken on the tasks Dean had asked of her, such as weapons training, and only truly freaked out a couple times, both times natural, like Jo had in Philadelphia that one time. Risa had adjusted far quicker than he’d thought she would. He’d grown to really like her, yet knowing what he did now from those lost memories, he saw that between the two, Risa and Castiel, Risa would lose every time. She simply wasn’t what Dean truly wanted or needed.

And she knew it, accepting that with a quiet sort of dignity and a willingness, in the face of her own death, to give that relationship back to Dean and Castiel if they were willing to take it.

That floored him. He thought it displayed her feelings for Dean rather well.

“Usually civilians who get into the life are pushed into it,” he continued, “ many by tragedy. Yours was hardly tragedy. You just walked into it and said ‘teach me so I understand’. You’re a unique woman, Risa.”

“That life is sort of a package deal with Dean, sort of like you are. The two of you and it, you’re connected, entwined. It would have been naïve of me to pretend otherwise and pretend none of it could affect me. How is that unique?”

“Believe me, a lot of women and men both can’t handle what they find out. You’re a vessel, Risa. That alone gives you an in into our world, though we didn’t recall the vessel part until earlier when Cas let us.”

“As for accepting the truth of the life, I’ve made a career of the study of religion and a hobby of studying such things as folklore. I’d read accounts of the supernatural before meeting you two and after….” She crossed her arms on the table and laid her head down on them. “Maybe I was meant to take over as Castiel’s vessel and have an understanding of all of it to make an informed decision. Stranger things have happened.”

He acknowledged that with a slow nod. “Maybe. Maybe Cas and Dean are meant to be together. I’m sure it’d be a load off of Dean’s mind to have a woman he doesn’t have to worry about; one who has the power to defend herself against most things that’d try to hurt her; one who could save him if need be -- and has. No offense, Risa.”

“None taken. Points I made to Dean. Angel sort of trumps human pretty hard in that department. Loving Castiel is still a risk for him if I understand the war in heaven part, but it’s less of a risk than a human woman. He can love without fear.”

And perhaps that was what Dean needed. Love without fear. Sam had seen before how Dean had begun to truly heal. Maybe that healing could continue with Castiel back by his side in Risa’s body.

~~~~~~~~~~

The thing Dean wanted most was being dangled in front of him: Castiel in Risa’s body.

He had a need for him as her, a thing that sent his pulse racing to contemplate. The thought that he could have Cas back within a day or two made him happy while the stark realization that Risa was going to essentially be gone forever no matter what option was chosen made him grieve. She was an exceptional woman. She’d deserved to have a man who did honestly love her. He wished it could have been him.

But Castiel would take care of her. He’d taken good care of Jimmy in comparison to the way other angels treated their vessels, so Dean thought she’d be as comfortable as Cas could make her.

Was he rationalizing? Was he being selfish in wanting to have the switch done and over?

Well…. The sooner the switch, the less pain and sickness Risa would feel. She would slide into that place vessels went in the subconscious or wherever, never feeling pain. Nor, however, would she feel anything at all again unless Castiel left her or…. Could Cas let her surface? He couldn’t remember what Cas had ever said on the subject. Maybe he should ask. It’d be nice to be able to talk to Risa occasionally, if only for a moment.

Dean pondered all of that, walking aimlessly, finally coming back towards the motel from the opposite direction he’d left. As he passed the park, he saw a familiar figure sitting on one bench and headed over to him.

“Cas.” Dean touched his shoulder and circled around to sit beside him. This time it wasn’t early morning, nor were they alone. There were other people in the park. Children played on the swings and slides and a few people were out walking dogs. “Here we are on a park bench again. You’re sort of predictable that way, you know.”

Castiel sat back, hands resting on his knees and head tipping back. He didn’t look at Dean. “I’ll understand if you tell her ‘no’.”

“Should I tell her ‘no’?”

That caused a long, searching, and very hurt glance. Castiel turned his head, attention leaving Dean. “Do what you want. Exercise your free will.”

“Uh-uh. It ain’t so easy as me doing what I want. There’s this whole feelings thing going on between us and her and while I know why she wants that, I’m not one hundred percent on you. Why do you want to go back to her? I mean, with the emotional and physical part of it. You had trouble the last time coping. Why go through it again for an unspecified time period?”

“Do I have to spell it out?”

“Apparently.”

Castiel sighed, licked his lips, and looked him in the eyes. “I love you, Dean. I feel incomplete without you.”

To their left came a shocked gasp and he turned, seeing the middle aged woman with a small dog at the end of the bench. “What? You never saw a man declare undying love to another man before?”

She made a miffed noise and stomped away, dragging the poor tiny dog behind her, it’s short little legs struggling to keep up with her.

He turned back to Castiel. “Did I actually just say that? Out loud?” He shook his head. “The sooner we have you back in a chick, the better.”

“You want me to take her as a vessel? Remain in her?”

“Honestly? I do. Maybe it’s not the smartest thing to do. Maybe it’s my emotions talking, but…yeah. I want you back in her and with me.”

“Are you sure, Dean? Because there won’t be an out this time. Jimmy will no longer be available as a vessel. This step is frightening to me. I’m planning to step out of Jimmy and into Risa for the duration of…forever, enduring whatever comes with being in a female vessel. I’ll be losing the safety and familiarity of Jimmy, the vessel I’ve had for years now. This action terrifies me, Dean, so you’d better be certain before I do it that you want this.”

“Oh, I’m sure. I’m more than sure on this point. Not that I won’t miss you in this vessel.”

“But you’d like me in her more.” Cas sounded hurt about that.

“How do you want me, Cas?” He sighed. “Do you want me the way you do in Jimmy or the way you do in Risa? I think you’ve already answered that question by showing up earlier wearing her. You want me the way you do in her and I want you as her. I’ve said yes. Now, you can sit here and agonize all you want, but this decision is yours. We’ve all had our say on what we think about it. All that’s left is for you to decide if you’re taking her offer or not. Are you coming back to me that way or not?”

The expression on Castiel’s face was the very same one Dean remembered from their last park bench conversation on that first morning after. Vulnerable. Frightened. Yet still desiring that action. So strange to see it and recognize it despite Jimmy and Risa being two different people. Cas gulped, the sound loud. “Yes,” he said. “I’m going to tell her yes.”

Hope swelled in Dean’s body. “Then let’s go tell her.”

He didn’t even mind when Castiel transported them back to the room in a single second.

When the plans had been made, giving Castiel a few days to find and transport Amelia and Claire to Risa’s house and make a few arrangements, Dean sat beside Risa on the bed and put an arm around her. “Okay, you two. Scram.”

He didn’t miss Sam’s grateful glance or the eagerness with which Castiel left them. Once alone with Risa, he held her tight to him as she began to cry, a weird sort of cold numbness growing inside him. Maybe he didn’t love her, but he was sure as hell going to miss her. She’d been willing to jump into his life and make it hers as well, a fearless kind of woman. That didn’t happen often.

She shuddered against him, head raising. Her tears were momentarily gone, and even with the hard evidence of them -- swollen, red eyes, flushed face -- she was beautiful. “I’m sorry, Dean. I’m so sorry.”

He caressed her cheek. “”Not your fault. These things happen, right?”

Risa shook her head, a warning gleam in her eyes. “Don’t.”

“What?”

“Don’t do that ‘strong for me’ bullshit. You know I hate that crap.”

“Risa --”

“No. No.” She drew back a fraction. “I don’t want you holding this inside.”

“I won’t. I just…. Let me do this in my own time.”

“Promise you’ll deal with it.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Quirking a brow, she wiped her cheeks with a hand. “You’re lying.”

The certainty with which she said it took his breath for several seconds. At times, Risa could read him as easily as a book. Like now, because he was lying. He’d planned to shove it aside, pretend they were only going back to that original arrangement and that when Cas left, Risa went back to her life. It felt safer to do that. “How do you know that? Even Sam doesn’t always know when I’m lying and you hit it more often than he does.”

Risa took his face in her hands. “Sam doesn’t love you like I do. I can just see it, Dean. I know. It’s in your expression, your eyes, voice, the way you move…or don’t move. Don’t lie to me and don’t lie to yourself, especially to yourself. I’m not going to have my life back at all. I’m leaving it behind to be a vessel and I’m doing it because? Why, Dean? Tell me.”

He sighed. “You have no family.”

“And?”

“You know what Cas and I had and understand it.”

“Keep going.”

“Risa.” He said her name far sharper than he’d intended, but she pressed on.

“Say it. I’m sick and dying. I can say it. Why can’t you?”

He drew in a harsh breath that hurt his throat and looked away from her. “If I say it, it’ll make it real and reality sucks.” Truth in a nutshell. Perhaps not healthy, but truth nonetheless. “Reality takes people from you when they should stay.”

She was quiet a long moment, then slid closer, back into his embrace. “In your own time then.”

It wasn’t like he’d avoid it forever. Someday, Dean would let himself face the reason why Risa had chosen to be Castiel’s vessel. Until then, however, he’d pretend that things had never changed. He had Cas and Risa…. Risa had a life away from him.