Title: Nothing and Everything

Chapter 11

~~~~~~~~~~

Jo was waiting when they came through the door, arms crossed. “So? Where is it? Let me see it.”

Gwen got up from the couch and came to stand beside her.

With a calm Sam knew he wasn’t feeling, Dean laid the file on the table. Nothing on their trip had gone well, from the weather to the pick-up itself. He’d been in a bad mood for four days now. “We don’t have it.”

“Why not?” It wasn’t an actual query for information, said as though she already knew the answer.

“The owner removed it from auction. It never reached the auction facility and stayed firmly in the storage vault.”

Jo quirked a brow. “Correct.”

The air turned charged, Dean’s eyes narrowing, glance shooting to her. “You knew.” He took off his jacket, tossed it towards the couch back, where it missed completely and fell to the floor.

With a small smug look, Jo flipped open the folder to her notes and tapped one. “Personal contact with the owner. She emailed me that she was taking it and the other clothing items out of the auction and would re-list in January. There was a misunderstanding between her and her husband about what items were supposed to be in this auction.”

“You couldn’t have called with that information?”

“Sure, I could’ve.” Her tongue thrust out the center of one cheek for several seconds. “Why should I have? You stole my case and tried to keep me at home.”

“You let us waste our time.”

Though it hadn’t been a waste, had it? They’d met an elderly woman who’d apparently known their dad, met her husband, and been challenged to beat her to the dress. Not a total loss of a few days.

“If you hadn’t freaked out and run off, Gwen and I wouldn’t even have gotten ten hours out before coming back so yeah, honey, I let you waste your time.”

Gwen hadn’t said a word yet and she whirled, walking into their bedroom and slamming the door.

Sam crossed the room slowly, tuning out Jo and Dean’s exchange and found the door unlocked. He stepped into the bedroom, closing the door behind him, then set his bag on the floor and took his shoes off.

“Did you even question him, Sam?” She was getting undressed with her back to him, pulling on pajamas that were more covering than what she’d been wearing to sleep in. When he’d left, she’d still been wearing the short shorts and tank top pajamas. This current set left very little skin showing. He thought it might be an indication of how upset she was. When she felt vulnerable, she’d cover up a bit more than when she was comfortable. “That day, I mean. Did you question him?”

“Of course I did.”

She dropped her clothes into the basket at the end of the bed and moved back to the head of the bed, turning down the covers. “Well, you must not have questioned him very hard on my supposed change of heart about going out on that case since you knew I was packing for it when I took you out to Bobby’s.”

“You’ve changed your mind before,” he pointed out.

“Not after packing.”

“Look,” he began to change clothes himself, exchanging travel clothes for sweats and a t-shirt, “I thought maybe Jo and Dean had talked, really talked about it, and come to an agreement like mature adults, like a married couple. They’ve done it before. I didn’t know right then that he’d nabbed the file. Didn’t know until you called later.”

Hands on her hips, she shook her head. “God, you two! You, neither of you, showed any interest in this until we had it ready to go, like you think we’re just here to work up files for you.”

What the hell? Where was this coming from?

“You’d just ‘mm-hmm’ and act like it was a pretty little diversion to keep us out of your hair and safe at home.”

“You know that’s not true.” The words ’safe at home’ clued him in. It was an old pain of hers from Samuel’s run of the Campbell family business. He’d tried to keep the women home safe as much as possible, which had chafed at Gwen. She’d been in the field up to his arrival and to be asked to stay back or be at the back of the group had hurt her. Speaking her mind on the issue had done no good. Samuel had been stuck in his ways and, pressured from all sides, she’d relented with the assurance that he’d just needed to ‘assess her skills’ before letting her have more of a role. The bigger role had never truly happened because even after a year, she’d still been told to be at the back of the group out of the way.

“Isn’t it? When was the last time I went out on an actual job, alone or with someone?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “Ever since Battle Creek, I’ve been staying back, clipping articles for your cases.”

“That was your decision, Gwen. You decided to do that. I never said you had to. I never asked you to. You could’ve gone out if you’d wanted. If you’re happy out there, then go, work a case. I want you happy.”

“I couldn’t wait to be back out, Jo and I, a team again.”

She’d missed being a team with Jo. Sam could understand that. When he worked a case without Dean he missed having him there and Gwen and Jo worked nearly as well together as he and Dean. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know --”

“No.” Crossing her arms, she shook her head again. “I don’t accept your apology. Not tonight.” Bending, she picked up one pillow and tossed it at him.

Surprised, he caught it. She was still hurt and he wondered how much was from this and how much was that old hurt from Samuel bubbling over into the present. Did she even know? He thought there was more of the old hurt in her reaction right now than anything else. “What? Are you telling me to sleep on the couch?”

“If you can beat Dean to it.” Implying she thought he was going to also be kicked out of bed. “Otherwise, it’s floor city.”

She’d never done this before, kicked him out of both their bed and bedroom, and Sam stared at her in mild disbelief. “You’re punishing me for believing my brother?”

“Sam, deep down you knew he was lying. You had to have because you know Dean better than anyone. You knew and you went anyway. You kept going even after you knew what really happened.”

“Dean wouldn’t turn around.” He’d tried to get him to with no success. “Was I supposed to abandon him out there, take the first flight, bus, or train back here? Gwen --”

She sat on the bed, not answering his query. “You can just go sleep on the couch and maybe I’ll forgive you in the morning.” She licked her lips. “It was a crap thing to do and you know it. Stealing a case…. I’m not inclined to put up with that. Not from you. I won’t. I can’t. Not from you, Sam. You’ve never treated me that way, even back when you had no soul. You accepted me as a hunter and asset then, please don’t start this protective crap now just because….”

Because she was his girlfriend. That was what she was trying to say. Don’t change because of that.

“I’m not a fragile porcelain doll that needs to be protected anymore than Jo is. You know I can take care of myself and that I have the sense to ask for help if I need it.” She blinked several times fast.

Sam saw tears slip down her cheeks.

“Jo and I are a good team. We’ve gotten through some scrapes neither of us ever told you and Dean about, scrapes that were bad, so give us some credit, will you?”

“Gwen, I know you and Jo are a good team. So does Dean.” He hugged the pillow to his chest. “But there’s something you don’t know about why we kept moving after your call. You need to trust me that I couldn’t stop Dean and leaving him to go on by himself wasn’t an option I’d choose then. Another time, maybe. Not then.” Not after finding out he’d had a genuine panic attack and what sounded like a bad one.

“What thing is that?”

He shook his head. Dean had accused him of telling Gwen everything, but he didn’t. He kept some matters to himself and this was one unless Dean said he could tell her. “I can’t say, not yet anyway. It’s something serious, though. Keep that in mind before you feel too betrayed.” Sam studied her a minute, until she raised a hand and wiped at her eyes, then left so she could cry without him watching.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jo was silent as she made up bottles, not looking at him and Dean cleared his throat. “You gonna stay mad at me forever?” He leaned against the doorjamb and watched Jo put those bottles in the fridge.

“What do you think,” she said. Her tone lacked anger. All he heard was exhaustion. There hadn’t been any real anger in her voice from the moment they’d gotten back. A bit of smugness that she’d already known the dress wasn’t there, but not anger.

“I think I screwed up.” He thought they both had, handling this badly. He hadn’t listened completely to her and she hadn’t listened completely to him, but now wasn’t the time to delve into that, not when it was already late and he was fresh in from traveling. They needed a full night of sleep to do the talking they needed to about this.

Jo closed the fridge door, rested both hands on it a moment and turned to face him. “You know what angers me the most, Dean? After having spent the past few days really thinking about it?”

He shook his head. “What?”

“It’s not that you stole a case you knew I’d been working on and was excited to go out on, or even that Gwen and I were actively packing to leave. Those make me mad, but I can get over them. I get why you took the case, I do. I understand, even though I hadn’t really understood then how deep your fear was. Very…deep.” She rested a hand on one hip. “What still pisses me off even now is that you waited until we were at the store with Jack before leaving. You left without….” Her lips pressed into a thin line and she crossed her arms. “You didn’t say goodbye or anything. You were just gone.”

He was seeing that defensive posture a lot from her recently, hating that he was the one making her use that posture. They should be united, not at odds with each other.

“How would you feel if I’d done that? Left while you were at the store with our child? No note, nothing. What were you thinking?”

None of it was said in an angry tone and perhaps that was the worst of all. “Guess maybe I wasn’t.” He’d thought she’d be upset about not going out, not that he’d left without saying goodbye. That part hadn’t occurred to him and he realized it should have because he’d be pissed too if she’d done it.

She uncrossed her arms. “You get up with Jack tonight. Bottles are in the fridge. I’m going to bed and I’m wearing earplugs.” Jo shoved the baby monitor at him and pushed past him.

“I had a panic attack, okay,” he said in a low voice right as she stepped into the living room, taking Sam’s advice and admitting it to her.

Jo paused, “Panic attack,” took two steps back so that she was right beside him and turned her head, staring up at him. “Dean….” She shook her head slowly and he could see in her eyes that she knew panic attacks were serious business. “Why didn’t you tell me that day?”

He put one hand in his jeans pocket. “I’m not supposed to have panic attacks. I’m supposed to be able to handle things.”

“How bad?”

“You know about them?”

“There was a woman came in the Roadhouse had panic attacks. Mom regularly had to talk Alice down from one just so the woman could go home. I know they can be bad. Some people have to go to the emergency room over them. How bad was yours, Dean?”

He glanced down at the floor and back at her. “Bad enough the only thing made it better was taking the file so you didn’t have to go out.”

She squeezed her eyes shut for a several long seconds, an expression that was pure Ellen. Right there, she looked just like her mother. Her eyes opened. “You should have told me when I tried calling you.”

“In hindsight, yeah, but at the time…. Putting miles between us felt like the best option.”

She stared at him and he saw tears in her eyes before she blinked them away. Jo looked down at the floor. “Will you please get up with Jack for me tonight? I need a break after the past few days.”

No longer a weary, upset order, but a request. “Already planned on it.”

“Thank you.” She took a step away and glanced back. “Be up soon?”

“If I can wind my mind down.”

Jo crossed the living room and went up the stairs.

Dean stood still a minute before turning and finding Sam slouched on the couch, a pillow beside him. He joined him, dropping down onto the cushion beside him. “You in the doghouse or something?”

“Over something that’s not even my fault. Thanks, bro. Really feeling the love right now. Gwen’s pissed because I believed you and pissed because I didn’t somehow make you turn around.”

“You didn’t have to go with me.”

“Jo kick you out?”

“Nope.” He stretched. “I can go up to bed anytime I want.”

“Let me get this straight. You have the argument with your wife, have a panic attack that leads you to take the file, then you refuse to turn around, and generally piss off both women in this house, but I’m the one who gets kicked out of my bed and bedroom?”

“Sucks to be you, huh?”

“Shut up, Dean, just…shut it.” He looked at the tv, pointed the remote and turned it on.

They sat in silence, watching a succession of commercials, before Dean glanced at him. “You want a beer?”

“Yes.”

Getting up, he grabbed two from the fridge and returned. “I never meant to get Gwen pissed at you.”

Sam took a long drink and sighed. “Actually, I don’t think it’s all the current issue. I think she had some whopper of a Samuel flashback when we left and it, combined with our recent inactivity, hit her all at once.”

“That’s messed up.”

“Like you have room to talk. Like any of us in the house have room to talk. We’re all messed up one way or the other.”

They clinked bottles at that.

“Except Jack,” Sam amended. “He isn’t messed up. Can’t be. He’s not even three months old.”

“Are you kidding? Course he’s messed up. He’s just too little to know it yet. Twenty years down the road from now?” Dean waved a hand about in the air. “Issues up the whazoo.”

“Now that’s a cheery thought.”

“Think about it. What hunter have you ever met that hasn’t had some sort of major issue or ten?” Acknowledging that path his son would most likely choose. It was in his blood.

“Most.”

“Exactly. It’s inevitable.”

Sam took a long drink of beer and turned the conversation back to Gwen. “Plus, she misses being a team out there with Jo.”

“They are a good team.” He used present tense because, in his mind, the two were still a team. Jo going back to the field wasn’t in the past, he simply needed to work up to her returning was all.

“She wants to be back out there with her, Gwen and Jo against the world.”

Silence a moment.

“You know,” Sam began a little hesitantly, “ you can’t keep Jo safe. We’re all in the line of fire. It’s our job and we all signed on for it.”

“Yeah? How are you feeling about Gwen going out there? I mean really, underneath it all?” He stared at the tv, hearing Sam suck in a noisy breath. “You think you’ve been sneaky since Battle Creek? Since the Alp?”

“I haven’t --”

“Yes, you have. You may tell yourself and her that you want her out there because it makes her happy, just like I try to tell myself and Jo about her, but you and I both know the truth.” He cast a sidelong glance at Sam. “You’ve got just as much of a thing about her safety as I have for Jo’s. A lot of these issues I have, you do too.”

“Maybe.”

“I know you like I know myself, Sam. We’re two peas in a pod as far as issues go.”

He grunted and didn’t reply, turning up the volume on the tv slightly.

Sam stretched out on the couch a little after eleven while Dean watched tv from the chair, the volume on low. He went up to change Jack once and feed him once, then was able to settle down halfway into a dozing sort of sleep himself, where he woke about every hour. If he went up to bed, he knew he’d end up waking Jo with his tossing and turning, so he stayed in the chair.

At two-thirty, the door to Sam and Gwen’s bedroom opened. Gwen was silhouetted in the doorway a minute before she crossed to the couch and crouched down. “Sam,” she whispered, hand touching his face.

From Dean’s place, he had a perfect view of the look on Gwen’s face right then. Tender affection, love…. She was so totally smitten with Sam that it wasn’t even funny. Of course, Sam was gaga over her too. Good for them both. Dean remained still, watching.

Sam roused and raised up onto his elbows. “Gwen? What --”

“Shh.” Her fingertips touched his lips. “Don’t wake Dean. Come in to bed.”

“Uh…you kicked me out, remember?”

“I reconsidered. I couldn’t sleep while mad at you. So…I forgive you. Come in to bed.”

He sat up and she moved to sit beside him. “Why?”

“Because it’s done. It’s over. I’m hurt you didn’t question Dean right away, but I understand. You thought he’d told you the truth.” She set a hand on his leg. “I’m sorry. I let a bunch of old crap I thought I’d let go of come back up and…. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you or Jo…and Dean didn’t either.” Sam cleared his throat. “Did you, Dean?”

“I’m asleep,” he said and dropped all pretense of it, shifting in the chair to sit up a bit more.

Gwen snapped on the light. “Shitty thing you did to us. To Jo.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“Do you?”

“I do.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Jo and I have a lot to work out on this.”

“Understatement.”

Gwen and Sam disappeared into their bedroom, the door firmly shut and Dean began to think about the situation. He didn’t want her out there yet, wasn’t ready to handle it, but Jo wanted to be in the field, needed to be there in some capacity. What would he be okay with? What could he handle at the moment? What sort of jobs wouldn’t put him into a panic at the very thought of them?

As he pondered those questions, an idea slowly formed, one he decided could work -- if Jo would agree to it.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was one of the longest sleepless nights Jo had ever had. Dean didn’t come up to bed. She laid awake most of the night, not wearing earplugs like she’d said, hearing every time he came upstairs and went into Jack’s room. Jo laid still in their bed, pondering their marriage and wondering if he had it in him to push past this and if she had it in her to accept it if he couldn’t. She was beginning to realize that there was a good possibility Dean couldn’t face seeing her in the field at all now that they had a child. She might have to accept a different role until Jack was grown and though it hurt to think of her career path changing so drastically for years, Dean might not be able to handle it otherwise.

If she seriously pushed this, it could end her marriage and life with Dean. It was that much of an issue.

The idea of having to choose between hunting and her husband….

Jo blinked back tears.

She’d told him he’d known how she was when they’d married, but that street went both ways. Jo had known how Dean was as well. She’d known how hard it was going to be for him once Jack had come along and she’d pushed on anyway. Not one of her best decisions in recent days.

She rolled onto her back. She’d pushed and he’d had a panic attack.

Son of a bitch that’s a serious thing, she thought. Jo remembered Alice having a bad one back at the Roadhouse one night and her mom calling for an ambulance when a hunter accidentally made it worse.

What were her priorities here? What was the best thing for both of them and for Jack? She couldn’t be stubborn because Dean’s health was at stake. It’d physically hurt him if she went out and he wasn’t ready to handle it.

By the time morning came, Jo had had maybe four hours total sleep. Her head ached, her heart felt sad and heavy, and she was already depressed for what she knew was likely to happen. Sidelined. She was going to be sidelined and it was either willingly go into it or destroy her husband, marriage, and family.

Choosing the latter wasn’t an option. She loved Dean, loved being married to him, and loved their family.

The bedroom door opened and she slowly sat up to face her future.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dean opened their bedroom door, stood there a moment studying Jo. Her eyes looked swollen, like she’d been crying all night. He came in, closed the door and set the folder in his hands down on the bed. “We need to talk.”

“I know.” She sat up, piling the pillows behind her back. Her voice was low and husky.

He didn’t try to build up to it, simply saying it plain. “I have an issue with losing people I love.” He sat on the bed by her hip. “I lost you once. I don’t want to lose you again.”

She gathered the covers to her. “I know. I do, but I have my own set of issues, the major one being the people I love refusing to let me do my job. You made the decision for me that day --”

“Didn’t you do the same?” He interrupted, peering at her closely, watching her face, studying the tiny changes in her expression as he continued. “You came in, announced you were going back out and that was that. You decided you were going and I asked you to stay, but you wouldn’t listen. You made a one-sided decision, too.”

Jo glanced away, like she hadn’t thought of it that way.

“I’m,” he pointed at himself, “not ready for you to be back out there. You may be ready, but I’m nowhere near there.”

“When?” She bit her lip, looked back at him. “When will you be ready, Dean, because I’m feeling left out here. I feel like I’m back at the Roadhouse watching the world go by. It’s not a good feeling. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling the slightest bit of resentment because you get to go out and I don’t.”

He nodded. He’d thought about her feelings on hunting while he’d thought about the situation. “I know. I did a lot of thinking last night and I’ve got a proposal for you, one that I feel okay about and needs to be done anyway.” He’d done research in the wee hours and everything he’d found didn’t bring on the panic. This proposal was doable for him and he thought Jo would warm up to it.

“More computer work? Putting together files I can’t go out on? Thank you, no. What’s the point if I can’t do the actual job?”

“You gonna listen or complain before I even tell you what it is?”

She crossed her arms. “I’m listening.”

“I have to do this in small steps. I can’t deal with a jump into it. That panic attack I had indicates that. You ever had one? It’s as terrifying as anything we’ve ever faced in the field.”

Jo sighed. “Go on.”

“You and Gwen take the properties, the ones we found keys for. There’s plenty on the list, they’re all over the country so you’ll get to travel, and you’ll get to go through the contents of each, decide if we need to close down the property for whatever use it has or keep it. It’s not jobs in the traditional sense, but it’s important. Given how little all of us really know about the Campbell family, even Gwen, it’s damn important we figure them out. Jo, this I can deal with. The thought of you going out on a case though?” He shook his head. “Starts the panic all over.”

“How long do I have to do that?”

“Maybe a month, maybe a year. I mean, you haven’t been out very long when you look back at it. You were still working while you were pregnant and in Battle Creek….”

“I tracked down a few cursed objects and sent other hunters out on them while I was pregnant. Only time I went out was Battle Creek and it ended up not being what we thought it was.”

“My point is, it’s not going to be forever. I know how much being in the field means to you and maybe I will eventually have to just white knuckle it to get over the hurdle, but will you please give me some more time to work through it?”

She bit her lower lip again, then nodded. “Yes.”

Dean reached for the folder he’d brought and set it on her lap. “You know you might like it, being nosy in all the things the Campbells stored away.”

“Papers, pictures, and old clothes.”

“Containment boxes, family secrets,” he suggested with a lift of his brows.

“You think so?” There was a spark of curiosity in her eyes.

“I do. We haven’t come across one of their dumps yet. Even the compound didn’t have much there like that. There’s got to be one somewhere, as old as the family was, instead of all the miscellaneous crap we’ve been finding. You might hit the mother load.”

“We’ve been saying that about all the things you, Sam, and Gwen brought back from the compound and the things Arlene gave Gwen and what have we found?”

“Bits and pieces,” he conceded, “but the odds are in our favor that you’ll find something major and soon.” He could see the moment she decided to make the best of it: the slight lift of her chin, the deep breath, and the nod that followed.

“Okay, Dean. We’ll try this, but I’d like to reassess the situation every two to three months, see if we can push the envelope a little.”

“I can handle that.” He thought he could, too. Baby steps. Had to be baby steps.

Once she’d made up her mind to follow this path, she was a whirlwind of activity, talking Gwen into it like it had been her idea all along, and choosing a property that was just two states over. She made plans, laid out a route, and kept a close eye on him though he tried to tell her he was fine. This he was fine on. He had no twinge of that horrible panic he’d felt before.

Dean looked over their proposed route while Sam and Gwen did separate research. While he and Sam usually drove the back roads and he knew Jo and Gwen did as well, Jo was proposing the interstate system to cut down travel time. A concession for him to get her back sooner. He glanced along the map and gradually because aware of a rather rank smell, groaning inwardly when he realized what it was.

Jo turned from the printer, Jack cradled in one arm, a sheaf of papers in her free hand. Jack was making noises that indicated he was seconds from an ear-piercing outburst. “Dean, could you take him and change him for me?”

He could smell the full diaper from where he sat. Their son certainly had a talent in that department. “Rock-paper-scissors?”

She frowned. “Dean, I’m not playing rock-paper-scissors to decide which one of us is going to change our child. It’s your turn and I’m trying to work here.”

“Come on, Jo. One game.”

“No.” She dropped the papers on the table and held Jack out. He squirmed and fussed.

“You’re no fun.”

“I’m a ton of fun, honey. That’s how we ended up with him to begin with.”

Sam and Gwen snickered, but both kept their eyes on the papers they were looking at.

“True, very true. You’re not willing to negotiate?”

“I’m not going to negotiate every time he needs changed.”

“Not one little negotiation?”

“Dean.”

“I hate the messy ones,” he informed her, getting up from his chair and reaching for a very smelly Jack.

Within four hours, Jo and Gwen were driving away in Gwen’s car, both looking relieved and happier than he’d seen both in awhile.

Sam came up the porch steps. “What’s the plan?”

“Thought we’d work on the panic room while they’re gone, get it finished up.”

“We’ve barely started on it. We can’t finish it in a couple days, especially with stopping to take care of Jack, and not with all that Bobby said to put in it.”

“Sure we can.” He grinned. “I called Ellen. She jumped at some ‘grandma time’. That should give us a good few hours to work.”

“She always has ‘grandma time’. It’s practically daily.”

Ellen picked Jack up an hour later, saying she’d bring him back in the evening. Dean and Sam got to work immediately after she left. When Jo called to say they were stopping for the night, Dean realized he hadn’t worried once. He thought that could count as progress.