Title: Blood and Anesthetic

Chapter: 9

~~~~~~~~~

Jo hadn’t told Dean what the pills were on purpose. In his current state, one pill would knock him out for hours, rest that both his mind and body needed most desperately. Cas had mentioned to her more than once that Dean had frequent insomnia and when he didn’t his sleep was restless. One pill should do it. After all, Castiel was used to those pills and one was what he took to attain a state of utter oblivion of the world around him for hours.

Just in case Dean woke earlier than she thought, Jo was up at dawn, waking Cas long enough to give him his own pain pills. He moaned and groaned and lay there in full physical remorse for that fight with Dean, claiming that any inch he dared move brought fresh waves of unending agony.

It was probably true.

She kissed one of the few un-bruised places on his face. “I’ll be out most of the day, so I’ll send someone to come stay with you and get you anything you need.”

His swallow was loud. “Where are you going?”

“Dean and I have some talking to do and he’s in no condition to fight me.”

“Devious.”

“If I need to be. Got a preference who I send?”

He thought a moment. “Maggie or Melanie. Both know how to stay quiet. Quiet is good.” He groaned again. “I beat up Dean last night.”

“You sure did and you don’t even have alcohol to blame for it, but he beat you up, so you’re even. Now you two can stop acting like a couple of tomcats fighting over who gets the female.”

Cas raised his head off the pillow and squinted at her. “We weren’t --”

“Yeah, you were.” She smiled, leaning over and kissing him again. “Get some rest.”

She arranged for Maggie to stay with Cas for most of the day, then snagged Melanie at breakfast to relieve her mid-morning at Dean’s, not taking no for an answer. Melanie tried to protest, to claim she had to work at supplies, but Jo overrode those protests. She thought Melanie would be a better nurse for Dean than any of the other women running around camp, herself included. Melanie would be gentle if she had to touch him because of her lingering wariness of him. It was with reluctance that Melanie agreed to come around ten.

Once her breakfast was done, Jo procured a thermos of coffee and headed over to the infirmary to get Alan’s prognosis on Dean’s condition. He greeted her with a quick glance over the tops of his glasses, then went back to checking his supply shelves and moving things around on them.

“I’m assuming that since you didn’t send for me that Castiel doesn’t need medical attention?”

“I patched him up. He’s bruised and hurting pretty badly, but he’ll live. Give him a couple days and he’ll be up and about like usual.” She leaned on the exam table. “What’s the story on Dean?”

“He’ll live,” he echoed her words back at her, then turned to face her with a gentle smile. “It’s not a bad break. He’s had a lot worse before. It’ll heal just fine and, like Castiel, he’ll be up again in a few days. More than two, likely a week or just over if you can keep him resting. It’d be best if he did rest that long. Aside from the nose, it’s mostly bruises, scrapes, and pulled muscles. Nothing rest won’t cure. The trouble will be keeping him down that long.”

“Why didn’t you give him painkillers last night,” she asked, looking at the neatly laid out medicines on the shelves. He was fussy about his shelves she’d noticed. There was a certain order to the supplies that he claimed made it easy in an emergency to find the right one.

“You did though, correct?”

“Enough for four days.”

He shook his head. “Make it three and no more. I figured you’d go see him and if you didn’t I was planning to go this morning and check in on him.”

He figured she’d go see him. Jo pondered that a second. Everyone in camp probably knew she’d gone to see Dean the previous night. “Three, huh? Okay, I’ll take some pills out of the bottle then. So, if it’s not a bad break, why the tape on his nose?”

Alan turned back to his shelves. “To keep him from touching it all the time and making it worse. Every time he does touch it, he’ll feel the tape and leave it alone.”

Jo laughed at that. “In theory. He’s just as likely to rip the tape off because it’s annoying him.”

Alan chuckled and nodded his head. “You do have a point. I’ll check in this afternoon.”

Jo went to Dean’s cabin, up the steps and inside. The thermos of coffee would start him off and if he showed an interest in food after a couple cups, she’d get some for him then. No sense in having some sitting out if he wasn’t going to eat it. She set the thermos on the table and took a cup off the open shelves over by one window, placing it with the thermos.

The cabin wasn’t as neat as Cas’s and needed dusting. Jo suspected Cas had a little obsessive-compulsive in him. He had to have the bed made in the mornings and things had to be just so on two of the trunks. He liked things put away, nice and orderly. Dean however, didn’t seem to mind if the bed was unmade or if his clothes were in a pile in one corner. She sat on his couch and read until she heard him start to stir. Marking her place, Jo got up and stepped to the bedside, waiting for him to notice her.

Dean rolled over with a long moan. He opened his eyes, focusing on her with a sleepy frown. “Jo?”

“Mornin’, Sunshine.” Careful not to jostle the mattress, she perched on the edge of the bed.

“Sunshine?” He shifted a little, peering at her curiously. “How’s Cas this morning?”

“Hurting. Like you are, though I don’t think as bad considering he didn’t fall through a railing and land in the bushes. You managed to take out one of the bushes completely, by the way.”

“Those bushes sucked anyway.” He made a noise that sounded like the start of a laugh and ended in a cough. “I’m glad he’s hurting.”

“Oh you are, huh?”

“Serves him right for picking a fight in the first place.”

Jo shook her head. “Unbelievable.”

Dean raised up onto his elbows. “Ow.” After a minute in that position, he pushed up to sit, muttering a few choice words as he did so. “What’s unbelievable?”

“You are. You and Cas. Both of you. Cut the indignation, Dean. You’re not glad he’s hurt any more than he’s glad you are. You’re just in a mood today because you’re in pain. Now, do you think you can get out of bed for awhile?”

“Coffee,” he countered.

“I brought a thermos and it’s all yours.”

Raising a hand, he touched his nose and sucked in a hissing breath. “Damn, that hurts. Get me one of those pills.”

“Um…please would be good.”

His stare wasn’t friendly. “Please,” he bit out through clenched teeth.

“Get up and come to the table and you’ll get it. Then you have coffee.” She stood. “Are you hungry?”

“Not yet.”

Within ten minutes, he was at the table, a robe on and loosely tied. Jo shook out a pill and dropped it into his palm, then poured him some coffee. He drank half of it in three gulps.

“So, you said we’re going to talk?”

She’d been thinking about this conversation they needed to have since she’d gotten up and there a few things she wanted to say with a guarantee of no interruptions. “First you’re going to listen. If you can’t handle that, then there’s no point in my even being here any longer this morning. I’ve got a few things I have to say.”

“I’ll listen.”

“Are your ears open, Dean?”

He nodded, attention raising from the coffee cup to her face.

“Good. You and I were over a long time ago. This weird jealous bit you’ve been doing since I got here is wrong and I think you know it. The way you’ve been acting…. I was willing to be friends, but I don’t know if I can do that now. If you can’t accept me as I am today, it’s not possible.” She sat back, crossing her arms. “I love Castiel. I know you can’t bend your mind around it, but please, will you try? I love him and, Dean, he loves me. So what if it’s not a conventional situation with us? Like my life has ever been average.”

He opened his mouth and Jo held up a finger.

“Shush, shush. I’m still talking.”

Dean lifted the mug, saluted her with it, and took another drink.

“As for your speculation about me and Cas’s extracurricular activities, you’re very wrong. I’m strictly a guy girl and you know that. Come on, use your brain. They’re affectionate people. Relax a little and they’d be all over you, too, hugging and kissing. They’re not shy about showing their affection. You used to like women hanging all over you.” Sitting back up, she opened the thermos and refilled Dean’s mug. “So…you want to tell me what’s up with you? Why the jealous crap?”

He took a deep breath, fingers restless on the mug, moving all over it. “Last night, Cas said that I was hoping that everything that had been wrong between you and I back then…that it would be right now because….” He sipped the coffee. “The because doesn’t really matter. He, uh, hit it right on the head. I wanted that closeness and I wanted so badly to connect with you and have it be perfect and right, but I can’t do that anymore. I can’t express it, can’t have someone close, can’t…. It’s like I’ve lost the ability completely.” He licked his lips. She could see the naked vulnerability in his eyes. He looked like he was afraid she was going to lash out at him. “I can’t keep losing people that mean something to me and if we’d made that connection and…. Jesus, I can’t even explain it without sounding nuts.”

“No, I get it.” She understood what he was trying to say. “You’ve pushed aside feeling for so long that it’s hard to tap back into it.” Jo crossed her arms on the table top. “You can’t keep ignoring emotional connections. We need those, especially now. People die. It happens, has always happened, and will continue to do so. Dean, you’re going to lose people and yeah, it’s going to hurt like hell. You’ll miss them. I miss my mom. I think about her every day and have moments where something will happen and I’ll think ‘oh, I’ve got to remember to tell her that’, but I can’t. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don’t. The point is, you can’t do this to yourself forever. I know it’s the Dean Winchester coping method, tried and true until now. Pack it all away, shove it down so deep it’s like it’s gone, and keep on shoveling any pain you feel on top. Keep up that method, over and over.”

He flinched, shoving his mug away and copying her pose, shoulders hunching.

“The problem with that is that too much is toxic and Dean, you’re drowning in it. You have to deal with those feelings. The anger, the depression. You have to grieve, but you can’t wallow in it. It’s not healthy. You have to accept that you’re going to have pain in life and let it go.”

For a moment, Jo thought he was going to say something, his lips parting, and when he didn’t, she continued.

“Allow me to help you a little. My mom’s death was not your fault. Do you hear me? Ellen Harvelle’s death was not Dean Winchester’s fault. She did what she thought she had to and you know as well as I that Ellen Harvelle always did what she made up her mind to do. You couldn’t have talked her out of it and more than I could have. She knew exactly what she was doing and it wasn’t only me she made that sacrifice for.” Stretching out a hand, Jo placed it gently on his forearm. “She loved you, too, Dean. You were like a son to her even after you and I called it quits. She never stopped loving you. My God, she’d slap you upside the head in a second to see you behaving like you have.”

“It’s too hard to process.” His voice was thick, gaze fixating on the table top.

“When you let it build for years, yeah. You know, you’re no good to those people out there in this condition. If I’d know that my coming here with you was going to be a catalyst for this, I might not have come. Maybe this is for the better though, that you had a major meltdown with me and Cas rather than, say, Melanie or one of the others who don’t know you very well.” She squeezed his arm, taking on a gentler tone. “I think you should take a few days. Hole up here, let the camp run itself. It is possible for us to run operations without you overseeing every little detail.”

“I don’t do that. I’ve delegated --”

“How many times a day are you checking on things, making sure this or that is the way you want it? You’re kidding yourself if you think you’ve delegated all you can. I’ve been watching you, Dean. You’ve got this iron control over everything, like you’re afraid to let anyone decide anything without you. Geez, Bobby would slap you upside the head too and call you an idiot in the process.”

Dean looked like a little boy in the principal’s office, his head bowed and miserable expression upon his face. Jo steeled herself for the next bit of conversation. She knew he didn’t like talking about Sam, acting like Sam had never existed.

“I get that you feel responsible for Sam making the decision to let Lucifer in --”

He shoved her hand off his arm. “Jo, don’t.”

“No, we need to discuss this.” She spoke as quickly as she could. “You were always responsible for him, felt that way even after he was grown. You practically raised him. That’s a big sense of responsibility.”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Then just listen, okay? Please?”

After a moment, where his lips tightened and his eyes closed, he nodded. “Fine.”

“It’s not your fault.” Jo made sure to enunciate each word in hopes that he’d hear them and take them to heart. “Sam was a big boy, fully grown and capable of making his own decisions. You have no reason to feel guilty.”

“I wasn’t there to stop him.”

“Not your fault.”

“I should have been there, but I turned him out. I cut him out of my life and even when he called begging to be let back in, I cut him loose. I wasn’t there when he needed strength.”

“Well, Atlas, that’s a pretty big load to bear. It’s so your fault that Sam listened to a fallen angel with the nickname ‘father of lies’. Oh, it’s your fault, mm-hmm. The sheer force of your will could have kept that from happening if only you’d been with him. Sam sure couldn’t ever make his own decisions on anything, could he? Why, he had to be told what to eat, wear, think….” She paused, raising her brows. “Is any of that sounding ridiculous yet?”

“I’d almost forgotten how much of a bitch you can be.”

“I’m not liking you very much either, jerk.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “It’s all my fault, Jo, and I don’t mean only Sam. I mean all of it. The Apocalypse, everything.”

“Right. Again, Atlas --”

“Ask Cas. He’ll tell you it’s true.” His attention focused on her, the pain in his eyes deep pools that she thought she herself could get caught in them and drown. “When I was in hell being tortured, I broke. A righteous man who breaks…well that’s the beginning of the end. Me. All those seals. Lilith. I handled Sam all wrong on the blood issue and about that deceiving bitch Ruby and it was my fault. My choices, Jo. Mine. We’re here now because I made all the wrong decision, one after the other. So before you sit there and tell me to deal with it, think about how you’d be feeling in my place. Ask Cas to tell you the full story. Get him mellow enough and he will. Hell, get him sexed up enough and he will. He’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

She sat in stunned silence, attempting to process what he’d told her. Not once had he ever mentioned what he’d gone through in hell, avoiding the topic, refusing to share that pain with her. “You didn’t know,” she whispered.

“No excuse.”

“You’re not omniscient. No one in their right mind could expect you to…to really carry that weight.”

His eyes were bright, unshed tears swimming in them. “The angels did.”

“They were wrong.”

“That’s what Cas says, though the words sound a little hollow from that bitter human perspective his loyalty to me got him.”

Getting up, she went around the table to him and leaned down, placing a kiss on his forehead. After a moment’s hesitation, she kissed his lips, too. “Just for the record, I don’t blame you, not for any of that.” She touched his cheek. “You look like that pill is starting to work. Why don’t you lie back down and get some rest?”

“You sounded like Ellen just now.” He let her help him back to the bed and take his robe. When he was beneath the covers, head elevated a little because of his nose, she tucked the covers over him.

“You know, even when you’re not being a likeable man, you’re still a very good one.”

Dean’s hand covered hers for a brief second. “Thank you.” His eyes closed.

Jo left the cabin and sat on the steps outside, thinking about everything that had been said. Maybe he could work though some of that pain, but the bulk? Geez, it’d take a team of therapists centuries to get him through half of that. Life and the angels had done a number on him.

He and Castiel both.

By the time Melanie came by, she was ready for a break.

~~~~~~~~~~

When Jo asked Melanie to stay with Dean for awhile, Melanie wanted to refuse. She might not be as afraid of him as she’d been, but she did still have some fear. He was an intense man, nothing like laid back, gentle Castiel. She said yes, though, agreeing only because it was Jo who asked her. Aside from Alexis, Jo was her best friend here in the camp. Melanie knew she could talk to Jo about anything, even if the topic made Jo uncomfortable.

She gathered a few things to keep her occupied: a couple books, a sketchpad and pencils, Alexis’s iPod, and a deck of cards, placing them all in a purple messenger bag that Alexis had been embroidering on when she couldn’t find anything else to embroider. Maybe she’d make a few sketches of Dean while he was asleep. She already had a sketchpad filled with pictures of other people. Chuck at his desk in supplies, Jo and Cas sitting together playing cards, Alexis and one of her students, and more.

At first, Melanie was wary of being in the cabin alone with Dean even though he was sleeping. She curled up on the couch, which was a lot more comfortable than Cas’s couch, the cushions molding to her body. She read for awhile, or tried to rather. Her attention strayed easily from the pages and over to Dean.

He was sprawled on his back, the covers twisted about his waist. Occasionally, he’d shift position and when he made a tiny noise in the back of his throat, a little groan, Melanie got up and stepped to the bed.

Was he cold, maybe? Should she cover him back up?

He didn’t look cold. She studied him, admiring those wide shoulders, his muscular chest, and flat stomach. When he wasn’t all beat up, she thought he was kind of cute. Still somewhat scary in manner, but cute. Leaning over, she touched her hand to his shoulder.

He didn’t move.

His skin was warm, firm beneath her fingers. Melanie touched his jaw, slid her fingers along the stubble there. She liked the curve of his mouth, fingers slipping up to it, thumb sweeping across it.

What am I doing, she thought, and jerked her hand away. What if he woke and caught her?

She returned to the couch and picked her book back up. As the hours passed without Jo returning or Dean waking, Melanie began to feel more at ease. The cabin was warm and the sound of the rain pattering on the roof was soothing, making her sleepy. If she was in Cas’s cabin, she’d climb on the bed and take a nap. Neither Cas nor Jo would mind. Cas would probably join her. Here though….

Melanie fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dean woke hungry, his stomach growling, remembering quickly that he hadn’t eaten since lunch the previous day. After fighting with Jo, he hadn’t been hungry and then earlier this morning he’d been in too much pain to consider food. He opened his eyes, looking at the ceiling. He was glad it had been a long time since he’d been this hurt. His entire body ached with the slightest movement.

It was raining outside. He laid still, listening to it and attempting to gear himself up to getting out of bed.

Slowly, he managed to stand and headed for the bathroom, noticing there was a woman on the couch, but not registering that it wasn’t Jo until he came back out. It was Melanie, he discovered, a little surprised by that. How had Jo talked her into coming? While he’d been careful not to make her cry for weeks now, she’d continued to be wary of him even after he’d let her have that body oil. She was asleep on her side, a book still clasped in one hand.

His head throbbed, temples pounding. It was probably time for a pain pill, but where were they? He didn’t see the pill bottle and while it seemed a shame to wake Melanie, he decided it’d be easier to wake her than search for the bottle himself. “Melanie.”

She woke with a gasp, sitting and pushing her hair back from her face, her book falling to the floor with a thump. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep!”

“Relax. You’re fine.” He held his hands up. “Do you happen to know where Jo put my pills?”

“Um…yeah. They’re here.” Struggling up from the cushions, she went to the table by the window, plucking the bottle from behind a pitcher of water.

“Thanks.” He took the bottle from her, shook out a pill and looked at it. If he took the pill now, he’d be falling asleep right about the time Melanie got back with food. If she consented to go. “Hey…do you think you could manage a tray in the rain?”

“Sure.” She nodded, crossing her arms. “You’re hungry then?”

“I could eat. Why don’t you go get us something?” He put the pill away, deciding to wait until after eating before taking another one.

“Us? As in…you want me to eat with you?” She seemed stunned by that.

“Unless you’re not hungry. I could use the company. I haven’t actually sat down to eat with another person in.…” He tried to calculate and realized it made his head hurt worse to attempt it. Dean shrugged, a small lift of his shoulders, not enough to pull at the sore places on his back. “Let’s just say it’s been awhile.”

Melanie reached for her jacket and tugged it on. “Do you want anything in particular?”

“Don’t bother with the line. Go straight back to the kitchen and talk to Emily. She knows what I like. She’ll set us up.”

“Okay.”

While she was gone, Alan came in to check on him, announcing that Dean needed a good week’s rest, preferably more. Dean wondered if the rest of the camp would agree. Jo certainly did. Maybe he’d take that rest, see if he could start leaving some of his pains, mental and emotional as well as physical, behind.

He thought he’d like to try.