Title: Blood and Anesthetic

Chapter: 18

~~~~~~~~~~~

With all the other weird weather they’d been having, an earthquake shouldn’t have been a surprise. It wasn’t a bad one, not at the camp. Dean wondered where the worst of it had hit and if there’d be any surprises in store for them from it later. He watched Chuck and a few others putting items back on shelves.

“How low are we,” he asked, knowing full well what Chuck’s answer would be.

“We’re down on everything.” Leaning over his desk, Chuck moved piles of papers until he found what he wanted, handing them to Dean. “The things we have no one really wants. Even Emily can’t make some of these things taste good, though she tries. There’s a list of good targets beneath, if they’re still standing.”

“Let’s get a team out tomorrow then,” he replied, running a finger along the list of goods they were out of.

“Can I go too?”

Dean looked up. “Excuse me?”

It was Melanie asking, walking over to them. “I want to go.”

Lowering the papers, he smiled. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Melanie? You some sort of pod person?” He shook a finger at her in mock suspicion.

She laughed. “No, of course not! It’s just it’s the one thing I haven’t really done yet. Come on, Dean, please? I’ve worked all the stations, even the watch. I’ve done inventories, worked repairs, worked on the vehicles, learned all of the weapons enough to pass your tests. I want to do this too. I can do it.”

Her pleading gaze and sweet smile softened him a little and he flipped the pages in his hand until he found the list of targets. There was one he knew was still standing as he’d gone past it not more than a week earlier and they’d never had any trouble at that site save the occasional Croat. “I don’t know….”

“It doesn’t have to be a big one. A little one is fine. I just want to go once, that’s all. I’ll follow orders, I’ll do whatever the team leader says.”

“It’s dangerous, Melanie.”

“Everything is dangerous these days,” she pointed out with a smug turn to her lips. She knew he was considering it. “Once, Dean, and then I won’t ask to go again. I’ll stay in the camp and work all the other jobs.”

What would once hurt? Dean weighed the options and nodded. “Okay. You can go.”

She threw herself against him, hugging him tight. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

He let her go on that way for a few minutes, then tossed the papers at Chuck’s desk, grasped her hips, and set her from him, raising a finger up. “You can go, but…you will stay with whoever I tell you to. No wandering off. You’ll take your gun and you’ll be serious the entire time we’re out.”

She sobered. “Of course. I promise.”

“Okay then. Let me go talk to Jo about it before you get too excited. She might have something planned for you already.”

“But if you tell her I’m going, she won’t mind.”

“Let me talk to her. You stay here and help Chuck until I get back.”

He found Jo in the laundry, talking with Risa.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jo was halfway through her laundry when Risa came through the door, a wicker basket of clothes and sheets in her arms. “Morning.”

“Any washers free?”

“Two on the end.” Jo put clothes in one dryer and returned to the book she was reading. Dean Koontz this time, one of Maggie’s books. There was silence for a few minutes, broken only by Risa putting laundry into the washers.

Risa cleared her throat. “So, you knew Dean way back when?”

Straight to the point. She’d learned Risa wasn’t one to beat around the bush. “You could say that.”

“I could say it, but would it be true?”

Jo marked her place in the book and looked over at her. Risa had her back to the washers, leaning against one, her arms crossed. “It would. Dean and I go way back.”

“You’re not his girlfriend.” Her eyes were narrowed a fraction. Jo’d noticed Risa had been studying her an awful lot, as though she couldn’t quite figure Jo out. “I know that. You’re Castiel’s…something.”

“Girlfriend works. It’s the closest word I guess for what I am to Cas.”

“What are you to Dean?” She uncrossed her arms, rested her hands on the washer behind her. “I get the obvious second-in-command type thing, though you don’t seem to go out of the camp often, regularly attend meetings or any of that administration stuff, but you’re not his girlfriend and you seem to have some history.”

She was fishing. Jo didn’t particularly care if Risa knew about her relationship with Dean -- what it had been and what it had ended up. “Well, we were friends, then lovers, then pissed off with each other, grudging friends, and now we’re sort of like family work colleagues. Don’t try to put it in a single label. Dean and I are complicated and always have been. Our timing was never quite right to be what either of us wanted at a given time.”

She nodded, her expression making it obvious she was giving Jo’s words serious thought. “Did you always know about this stuff? The creepy crawlies and things that go bump, I mean?”

“Sure did.” Jo stretched her legs out, crossing her ankles. This, Jo decided, is a woman who knows what she wants, circles, and gets it when she’s ready. Dean was right. Jo liked her.

“Did Dean?”

“He’s known a very long time. You’d have to ask him for the whole story if you really want to know.”

Risa pursed her lips, blinked, and nodded once. “Maybe I will.”

“Go right ahead.”

The door opened, Dean stepping through. “Hey, Jo --” He paused, gaze sliding from Jo to Risa. He stood up a little straighter, nodded to Risa in a casual manner. “Risa.”

“Dean.” Risa turned their back to both of them as though disinterested in his presence.

That’s it, Jo thought. Play hard to get. He’ll like that. She could see he was interested by how his glance slid down Risa and back up. “You need something Dean?”

“Walk with me a minute?”

“Sure.” She got up from her chair and followed him out of the building. “What’s up?”

He led her towards the path into the woods. “Melanie asked to go on the raid tomorrow and I’m letting her go. It’s a safe outing, Jo, or as safe as ours get these days. She’ll be with me the whole time.”

Melanie? Going on a raid? Tension trickled along her spine, Jo making a split-second decision to go as well. “Wrong. She’ll be with both of us. I’m going too.”

“Oh, Cas’ll love that. You, me, and Melanie all gone at the same time?”

“He’ll get over it.”

“You so sure about that?”

No, she wasn’t. Jo frowned. “Let me talk to him. Break it to him gently.”

He smirked. “Try a blow-job. Those usually get us guys in an agreeable mood.”

She smirked right back. “Yeah, he loves those. Especially first thing in the morning.”

His mouth opened, then closed. He shook his head. “Too much information, Jo.”

“You started it.”

“That I did,” he agreed. “That I did. Guess I’ll go tell Melanie she’s good to go.”

Cas wasn’t thrilled when Jo told him. She could see him thinking about joining them and deciding he really didn’t want to. He told her to be careful, said he’d wait with Alexis for all of them to return.

She didn’t even have to resort to Dean’s crude suggestion to relax him over it.

~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m going, Lex! I’m going on a raid tomorrow!” Melanie tried to contain her enthusiasm. She was going on her first raid, a thing she remembered once swearing she’d never do -- and she was excited to do it. She’d worked hard to reach this point, amazed at the changes in herself. She hadn’t believed Jo when she’d said guns weren’t really that scary, but Jo had been right. Jo had been right about many things.

Her family wouldn’t recognize her to see her now. They’d never believe she could ever be the woman she’d become. They’d be surprised she could shoot a gun, or even wield a bow and arrow with accuracy. They’d scoff that she could change the oil in a vehicle or change a tire.

Alexis sat on the end of the bed. “Are you sure you want to do this? You don’t have to, right? Dean didn’t order you to go?”

“Of course not. He said I don’t ever have to go on a raid at all, but I want to. I spent so long just floating along here and now I can actually do things. This is a good thing, Lex! I’m independent. I’ve learned to make my own decisions and that’s what I’m doing. I know it’s dangerous. I know something could happen. I know it.”

“And you still want to go?”

“Yes. Dean says that this one is a cakewalk. They’ve gone to this place a hundred times and never had trouble save a few Croats. And he and Jo are both going.”

Alexis arched a brow. “Does Cas know?”

Melanie got up and started pacing. Alexis was beginning to wear down her buoyant mood. “Jo and Dean are going to talk to him today. Please, please be happy for me! I was happy when you snagged Jim, remember?”

Alexis sighed. “Okay. I’ll try. Is it okay if I worry while you’re gone though?”

“I think that’s allowed.” She picked out her clothes, a blouse that wasn’t as frilly as the other two she had and her other pair of jeans, then checked to make sure she had everything ready.

When they returned tomorrow afternoon, she’d celebrate another milestone in personal growth with all of her friends.

~~~~~~~~~~

Nina was waiting on the porch of his cabin. She held up a square container that had several tiny bottles in it. “You too pissed with me to have a drink with me?”

“I’m not pissed with you, Nina, I’m just tired of your shit. There’s a difference and I thought I told you not to keep coming around like this.”

“Corrected then, and it’s not like I went inside. I stayed out like a good girl, because you made it very clear what would happen if I didn’t.” She pulled out one bottle, twisted the cap and held it out to him. Despite telling her to scram, she still came around most nights at this hour and asked to have a drink with him. “I’ll take my shot and go,” she promised. “Bottoms up.”

Mini whiskey bottles as usual. The one she’d handed him was Jim Beam. Dean drained it, then handed her the bottle. “Drink taken. Anything else?”

She drank down her own, tossing the empty bottle back in the container. “Since you don’t seem inclined towards conversation, I suppose not.”

Like he’d been inclined towards much of anything with her in weeks.

He watched her flounce away in a huff and went inside to go to bed. They had a long day ahead of them and wanted to be ready for it. He changed clothes, brushed his teeth and sat down on his bed.

The next thing Dean knew, it was morning and Melanie was shaking him awake, telling him he was late. Lifting his head, he saw Jo behind her, giving her watch an exaggerated stare.

“So, you tell us we’re leaving at eight sharp and decide to sleep in?” Jo raised her brows.

He yawned and squinted at the clock on the floor by his bed. “I must have been more tired than I thought. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be out.”

Melanie was true to her word the previous day, serious the entire drive, sandwiched in the cab of one truck between Dean and Jo. She kept an eye out for Croats and anything else as they drove. Dean tried not to grin at her enthusiasm, but Jo didn’t bother to hide her amusement.

They pulled up to the grocery, one of those small groceries small towns sometimes had. This town had been evacuated when the virus headed towards it, the people supposedly getting out before too many had been infected. Dean knew otherwise. He and a previous team had found a grave pit a few miles West of the town. He suspected it contained most of the men, women, and children in the town and a few others who’d been just visiting. Someone had killed them all and Dean wasn’t even sure how they’d died. There weren’t gunshot wounds or anything else that they’d been able to see, just bodies tossed away like trash.

The other trucks pulled up as well, two backing up so they could easily load whatever they could find remaining. Jo slipped from the truck and shouldered her rifle, walking to one truck and giving the orders she and Dean had discussed on the way over. Dean opened his door and got out, then motioned to Melanie. She moved towards him on the seat, turning to slide down. He remained in her way, blocking her from leaving the relative safety of the truck just yet, cupping her head, rubbing his thumb against her ear. “Remember, if you’re not with me, you’re with Jo.”

“I know.” Melanie smiled, excitement dancing in her eyes. “And I’ve got my gun. It’s even loaded.”

Dean kissed her forehead. “Okay, come on, newbie. Let me show you the ropes.” He helped her from the truck.

It was a normal job, boring even with the apparent absence of Croats. They cleared the building, then set about loading items onto the first truck. Two man teams went down the aisles, grabbing whatever was there because the zone was no place to check everything. They’d take it back to Chuck and let him sort it all out. Dean saw a case of peaches, another of soup, and a few toiletry items that would make Chuck cry in relief. Funny how he’d never thought Chuck of all people would miss those sorts of things.

They’d loaded two trucks and were making to load the third when the first shot was fired and their fourth truck exploded into a ball of flame.

~~~~~~~~~~

With half the job done, Jo had almost thought there wasn’t going to be trouble. She was terribly wrong. With two trucks blown up, they had to dump some goods before they could load everyone on and book for safety. She might have even cried for that if she hadn’t been too busy trying to keep herself and everyone around her alive to make it back to camp.

Jo felt Melanie drop and thought that Dean had urged her to do so because she saw him move too out of the corner of her eye.

“Jo.”

Her name was an anguished cry and she ducked, turning her head.

Dean had Melanie in his arms. Jo saw her convulse and then her head lolled back against his shoulder, eyes sightless. There was a hole in her chest, blood running freely from the wound. For several long seconds, Jo thought there had to be something they could do for her. She couldn’t be dead. She’d been safe there between Jo and Dean, crouched down.

She heard Dean’s gasping breaths, saw his mouth trembling, the roll of emotions across his face and in his eyes, a deep pain that grew deeper as she watched, cracking the façade of the new Dean. He covered the wound with one hand. Any second she was going to see him break apart, splintering into a million tiny fragments that couldn’t ever be put back together again….

A truck halted beside them, dust swirling, making her cough. Jim’s voice, entreating them to ‘haul ass’ registered. Jo moved, grabbed at Dean.

“Come on!”

He wouldn’t leave Melanie there, carrying her to the truck. Jo felt a sharp breeze against her cheek, knew she’d been grazed by a bullet, and then hands were grabbing her, dragging her up into the truck bed and they were racing away, someone lowering the back cover to hide them.

There was enough light to see Dean cradling Melanie to him all the way back to camp.

~~~~~~~~~~

Castiel and Alexis waited in silence for the team to return. It shouldn’t have taken this long. They both knew it. Something had gone wrong.

When the trucks finally returned, there were two instead of four, neither Jo nor Dean driving.

He drew in a gulping breath, wishing he’d taken another pill or something to calm the panic inside him. Please, he thought. Not Jo. Not Dean. Not both of them. I can’t do this without both of them.

The trucks stopped, the backs opening. He saw Dean jump down and turn, reaching up, and then Jo appeared, shifting someone to him.

His relief at seeing them turned to icy sludge in his veins as Dean gave the body Jo moved to him a tug. The limbs were too limp. Dean hefted the figure and started towards them, Jo jumping down and following. There was blood on their clothes and faces.

It was Melanie Dean carried.

Cas felt Alexis’s nails digging in to his arm, heard her anguished moan as Dean passed them. Blood slicked the entire front of Melanie’s blouse and he saw a hole…. He couldn’t seem to breathe, lungs refusing to pull in the air he needed.

“He’s taking her to the infirmary, right,” Alexis asked, swaying against Cas.

Jo’s left cheek had a gash on it that was crusted with dried blood. She shook her head. “No, sweetie. Melanie’s gone. There’s nothing we can do for her anymore.”

She sounded just like her mother. If Cas couldn’t see her, he’d have thought Ellen Harvelle stood there. He had the urge to start laughing and just keep on laughing until someone got sick of hearing it and put a bullet in his brain. He bit his lip, fumbling in his pockets, trying to remember if he’d put any pills in them.

Jo continued, Ellen Harvelle’s voice and tone continued. “She was gone before she hit the ground. Dean wouldn’t leave her there. Lex, she never even knew she’d been shot. It was that quick. One second she was alive and the next she was gone.”

Jo was lying, Cas could see it in the way she quirked a brow just a fraction. She wanted to spare Alexis the truth.

With a sob, Alexis turned and ran.

Jo’s fingers snapped in front of Cas’s face and he realized she’d been talking to him. “Huh?”

“I need you to gather a few people and stay with her tonight. Cas, I’m the one who’s going to have to take care of the arrangements. Dean’s in no shape. This hit him hard. Can I count on you to do this one thing for me?” She waited, brows raised. “Cas?” Reaching up, she cupped his face in her hands, thumbs sweeping across his cheekbones. “Pull yourself together. I need you. Help me, okay?”

He stared at her. She needed him. She needed him to be strong so she could be strong. He nodded. “Sure. Um…Chuck, Jim, and Emily would be good.” He licked his lips, wondering when they’d gotten so dry. “Maybe Maggie too.”

“Good. Plan it. I’ve got to get this cleaned up, make sure everyone gets the medical attention they need, and then I’ll be going to box Melanie’s things. Find Maggie and have her bring someone she thinks would be good to help me. I’ll have Maggie bring Alexis to the cabin.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Cas watched her go and found it difficult to comprehend that Melanie was dead. It didn’t seem right that she was gone and had died in a way he’d never thought possible: on a raid.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jo didn’t sleep at all that night. From experience, she knew they had to bury Melanie quickly, so she directed men to dig a grave, spent a few minutes letting Nina put a couple stitches in the gash on her cheek, then took several boxes to the cabin Melanie had shared with Alexis. Maggie brought a girl named Sara with her.

Alexis didn’t want to let them in, standing in the doorway, pleading with them to go away. Jo hugged her, holding her until her sobs lessened, then spoke to her in a soft, yet firm tone. “You know we have to. Pick one of her things to remember her by if you like, but the rest need to be taken.”

“It’s cold, unfeeling, cruel --”

“It has to be done. You know it’s the policy. Pick something, then go with Maggie. You’re spending the night with Cas. Maggie’ll stay, too and Chuck, Jim, maybe Emily. All friends. Go with Maggie, Lex.”

“Won’t you be there?”

“I have my job to do, but when I’m done, we’ll sit down and toast her memory really well, okay?” It was hard for Jo not to tear up saying that, but she blinked back those tears and stood firm.

Alexis nodded. She chose the sun-catcher from Melanie’s window, then left as Jo had told her to.

This task was hard. Jo and Sara taped boxes open and began to sort Melanie’s belongings into them. The bedding and dirty clothes went into a bag to go to laundry to be washed, dried and returned to supplies. Everything that could be redistributed would be. At this point, they could hardly afford to be choosy.

Jo had Sara take Melanie’s sketchbooks to her cabin -- hers, not the one she shared with Cas. Once the boxes were full, Jo glanced around for anything they may have missed. Nothing. Five boxes and one bag was the sum of Melanie’s life in the camp. Tidied up and put away.

Several men took the boxes and she headed out to the gravesite to check on the progress.

By dawn, a grave was ready and Jo went to Dean’s cabin, four men with her. He’d taken Melanie’s body there and refused to let anyone in. She rapped on the door and opened it, surprised that it actually opened. She’d been expecting a barrier against it. According to others, there’d been one earlier. “Dean? Can I come in?”

Dean had his back to the door and to Melanie’s body, staring out one window. The covers were torn from his bed and she noticed the top sheet was beneath the body, ready to carry her out. Jo stepped inside. Melanie’s shirt was changed, the blood cleaned from her face. With a start, she recognized the shirt as one of Dean’s. He’d put one of his own on her rather than send for one of hers.

Jo wiped her cheeks free of tears. She’d been crying off and on all night, whenever she was alone long enough to break down a little. “We have to take her now.”

“Go ahead.” His voice was flat.

The men entered, gathered Melanie and left. Dean made no move to follow.

“You coming,” she asked, expecting him to nod and follow her.

“Why should I?” He sounded strangely unconcerned, almost puzzled by the question.

Shock, Jo thought. He has to be in shock.

But then he turned and Jo’s heart gave a little painful lurch. His gaze was cold, with no light of any emotion at all. She would have preferred anger, or mockery, or something at all to that unemotional stare. His bloodshot eyes and the nasally tone to his voice indicated that he had been crying, but all emotion was now gone. “Because she was one of your people. Because you cared about her. Because….”

“Funerals are for the living, Jo. She doesn’t care anymore what happens. She’s gone and I already said my goodbyes.” The words were matter-of-fact, as if they discussed some dry history lesson.

“Dean.”

“Make sure you wait until the crowd disperses before salting and burning. It upsets people.” Said as though he couldn’t understand why average person would be upset by it. Without another word, he turned his back on her.

Jo stared at him, shook her head, trying to think of something to say and failing. Finally, she turned and left, heading to the gravesite. She did the task Dean had once assigned for himself, giving a eulogy of sorts and waiting for the crowd of people to leave before lifting the salt and moving towards the grave.

“Please tell me Dean was here before everyone else got here.” Castiel’s voice came from behind her, raspy and thick from the tears she knew he’d cried for Melanie.

Jo hesitated, hands pausing in the task of salting the body. “No.” She finished with the salt and set the box down, turning to face him. “He said that he’d already said his goodbyes, that funerals are for the living.”

“This is the first funeral he’s missed since starting this camp.”

She knew that. Even when they’d lost several people at a time, if the bodies were in the camp, Dean saw them buried. This reversal of his policy? Not a good thing. He was divorcing himself emotionally.

Divorcing, her mind drawled, her continuing thoughts a bitter cadence. He’s already done with that task. He’s a different Dean now, sweetie, a brand new creation crawling from ashes.

Cas stepped around the end of the grave to stand beside her. He understood as well as she did what the change meant. “He’s cut out his feelings because they offend him too much too remain.”

And buried them completely because it was just too much to bear. Jo had an inkling what must have gone through his mind the previous night there alone with the body all those long hours. Melanie had trusted him, looked up to him, and he’d been powerless to save her even with her encircled in one arm tucked against his side. He’d let himself care for her, treated her like family, and gotten burned once more. “Yeah Cas, he has.”

Cas started the fire for her and they stood together, watching the flames until the men came to shovel the dirt back into the hole and close the grave. Jo remained when Cas walked away, directing the addition of a small cross to mark the grave.

A cold breeze swept the clearing.

Jo shivered and stared down at the grave until it started to rain.