Title: The Guilt of Still Being

Chapter: Nine

~~~~~~~~~~

When Jo had gone to take her shower, everything had been fine. Somehow, in fifteen minutes, Gabriel had upset Cas. Jo was sure it was Gabriel, too. Castiel didn’t cry and say ‘screw you’ without a reason.

“What did you do or say to him,” she asked as the door slammed behind Castiel.

Gabriel held out the box he had in his hands and opened it. “We went to the camp and got the last ring.”

She looked inside, saw the ring amid a few coins and a lighter. “Somehow, I doubt that part is what upset him. What else?”

“It was in Dean’s cabin.”

He seemed to think that meant something and Jo nodded. “Right. Okay. And?”

“You don’t know?”

“Know what?”

His eyes widened. “It happened after you’d left.”

She put her hands on her hips. “Gabriel, come on. Say whatever it is you’re trying to say. I’ve got to go in the next five minutes or I’ll be late.”

Closing the box, he set it on the table. “I know you’re aware of the strong feelings Castiel had for Dean Winchester.”

“Strong doesn’t describe it. Obsessive is a good start. I was there to see it begin really building. Dean would smile at him and slap his back in that guy affection way and Cas would practically wiggle like a puppy. Every bit of approval from Dean on something and he was elated, like it validated him or something.” She shrugged. “I guess Cas needed that, except when Dean pulled back, he didn’t or couldn’t. Didn’t know how, maybe? Castiel is…. Extreme is a good word, I think. He’s extreme in all his emotions and has been. I’ve noticed he’s still like that now.”

“Take that emotion to the next step: action.”

She shook her head. “No. Tell me Cas didn’t….” When Gabriel remained silent, his gaze sad, she squeezed her eyes shut. Oh Cas, sweetheart, you didn’t. “He made a sexual move on Dean?”

“He did and with a painful result emotionally. Dean was rather forceful in his feelings on that and on his opinion of Castiel’s behavior. He ordered him from his cabin. Pushed him even. Castiel still feels humiliated and hurt by it.”

Jo wanted to cry for that, for both Dean and Castiel.

For Dean, who hadn’t seen Cas’s feelings and when he had seen it hadn’t reacted in a manner sensitive to the situation. His behavior in the face of that knowledge couldn’t have done either of them any good and had likely damaged their relationship more than Cas’s pass at him.

For Castiel, who hadn’t been able to pull away before getting burned. Rejection did hurt and the way he felt things, she thought it probably hurt him more than the average person. To be rejected by someone he’d thought cared for him when he’d had strong evidence for that assumption? Terrible. Dean had shown him affection in the past. Jo had seen it. He’d treated Castiel like he cared about him.

Dean could have handled it better, but she could imagine what had been going on in his mind right then, too. He really had loved Castiel in his own way. Sort of a brother and friend, but not quite either. A mix of the two. Honestly, Jo thought Dean hadn’t known quite how to deal with an angel turning human. When human behavior still confused, it had to be hard to become human and know what was normal and average even with a guide -- and Dean wasn’t the best guide for normality. He’d been the first to admit that.

She could easily see him freezing in place, thinking up a hundred excuses in seconds for whatever Castiel had done and tossing them all away when he realized Cas really was doing what Dean thought he was. Embarrassment maybe that he was going to actually have to address the issue of Cas’s attraction to him, an issue he hadn’t realized had become a sexual one. Anger at himself for letting it get to that point or for not noticing it had. Anger at Cas for doing what he’d done in the first place. Perhaps he’d even felt some guilt, a wondering if he’d somehow done something or said something to make Castiel think he’d be open to that.

Yeah, Jo could easily figure out the sort of things Dean might have been thinking. But with Dean dead and him never the sort of guy to talk about things like that anyway, she’d never know what had been in Dean’s mind at the time.

“No wonder he’s emotional when Dean is brought up in conversation.”

“Don’t let on I told you.”

“I won’t.” She looked at the box on the table. “You’ve got all of them now?”

“I do.”

“And?”

Emotion bled from his eyes, leaving his gaze cool and hard. “When I have a plan, you’ll be the first to know.”

She stared back at him. “Hell I will. You already have a plan. What is it?”

“You need to go to work.”

“They can damn well wait on me. Tell me what you’re planning.”

He shook his head. “No. I’m not ready to put my plan into action. When you need to know something, you’ll know it and not a moment before.”

Somehow, she thought he’d probably act and not tell her like he had before with the other rings. Whatever he was planning, he knew she wouldn’t like it and it’d be futile to try to drag it from him. “Dick,” she said and turned to leave.

Gabriel grabbed her arm and dragged her back to him. His other hand gripped her jaw, holding her how he wanted. The kiss he gave her was blistering and passionate and when he released her, she felt more than a little warm. “You know you love me.”

Jo left without replying or giving in to the thought that maybe, he was right. She wasn’t sure admitting loving an archangel even the slightest bit was a particularly good idea.

~~~~~~~~~~

Risa woke to a fist banging on the door and stumbled to it, peeking out the window before opening it.

Castiel stood there, hugging himself, his shoulders hunched, the emotions on his face giving him a wild look. With a quick glance at the quiet neighborhood behind him, she drew him inside. The last time she’d seen him like this had been that day after they’d left the camp, when she’d held him by the side of the road.

She cupped his jaw with her right hand. “What do you need?”

He shook his head, shrugging. “I….” A choking sob left him. “I don’t know.”

“Okay. Okay. Come here.” She pulled him to her, wrapping her arms around him, ignoring the aches from her shoulder, arm, and wrist. She was glad she’d taken her pain pills when she’d woken at the six a.m. reveille -- or whatever time they’d blasted it. Without the pills, his embrace would have been agony.

He held her every bit as tight as he had that day, sobbing like he had then, body trembling against her. This was raw emotion, the same that they’d released upon each other for five months. Risa knew they just had to ride it out and wait for it to pass. She maneuvered them both back, into the bedroom -- not for sex, but to lie down with comfort. The couch was fairly small and the bed much bigger and comfortable.

She had to tell him to sit on the side of the bed, then knelt and removed his shoes. It was awkward to do with a cast, but she managed. He laid down with her, slipping his arms around her again. Risa stroked his hair, murmuring soothing words.

It seemed hours later when he quieted and raised up on one arm. “Gabriel knows about what happened with Dean.”

“I didn’t tell him.”

“I know you didn’t.”

“You told him?” She brushed his hair from his brow. He was going to need a haircut again soon.

He opened his mouth, then shook his head. “No, I didn’t tell him.”

“Then how --”

“He just knows. The how isn’t important right now. I promise, I’ll tell you later how he knows.”

He’d never promised information before. “Okay. Later.”

“He confronted me about it, but not in the way I expected. I thought he’d say those things Dean said, maybe tell me I was wrong.” He laid back down beside her. “He just sat there while I remembered it all, gave his own succinct description of what happened. He didn’t accuse. Did you know I avoided Dean’s cabin for years because that’s where it happened?”

“I didn’t know that.”

“True. I didn’t go there because it hurt too much to think of going in and seeing where it happened, remembering the look in his eyes, and the words he said. His eyes were the worst, Risa. Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love look at you like you’re not even worth looking at? Like you’re the worst piece of scum to ever stick to his shoe?”

“I’ve never been there, but I can imagine it.”

“It’s humiliating. It’s like a knife in your gut that just keeps slicing every time you remember.” He rolled onto his back. “He didn’t love me. Dean didn’t love me.” His voice cracked a little on the word ‘love’ in both statements.

“I don’t think he loved anyone, Cas.” She sat up and moved closer, placing a hand on his chest.

“No, he loved Sam. Sam was his brother. He loved him to the very end and regretted every day what he should have done.”

“What should he have done?” She’d known Sam was Dean’s brother and that he’d been a sore spot with him.

“He should have let him come back.” He twined their fingers together. “Then maybe none of this,” he gestured in the air with his other hand, “would ever have happened. Maybe things could have been stopped and none of us would have found out the painful truth of who we really are under the illusion of civilization.”

“It did happen, though. We can’t change the past.”

“I want to. I want to be what I was before. I was so much more then.” The longing in his voice was almost painful to hear. “You didn’t know me then, Risa. I was part of something --”

“You’re part of something now. You and me is something. It’s not big, but it is something. It’s not possible to go back. It’s only possible to go forward.”

“I want what I can’t get. I’ll never be an ang…what I was again.” He took a deep shuddering breath. “It will never happen and I’m human through and through for the rest of my days, however many or few there are. I’m forever parted from…myself. I’m broken.”

There he was saying ‘what’ instead of ‘who’ again, talking like he hadn’t been human before. Risa wondered if it could be true. “What’s broken can heal, like my shoulder, arm, and wrist. You can heal, Castiel.”

He returned his gaze to her, staring long minutes before asking, “You really think I can heal from that? From an integral part of me taken away?”

“If you want it badly enough…yes. Bodies heal, Cas. Minds heal. I think even a soul can heal, but it takes time.”

He was thoughtful then, brows drawing together in a frown, and it was much later before he left the house.

~~~~~~~~~~

Castiel felt lighter of spirit after talking with Risa. He was able to go back to Gabriel’s house later in the day. While he didn’t like what Gabriel had done, it was done. He’d been made to remember the full pain of Dean’s refusal in the place it had happened. That night had shaped a lot of how they’d treated each other.

He was tired of dwelling on it; of letting it sit in his thoughts. As much as he’d loved Dean, Dean was long gone now. Castiel had to let him, and the issues that had surrounded them together, go. He made a conscious decision to do that. Maybe it’d do some good and maybe not.

As for what he’d been…. He wasn’t quite ready to look at that even closer.

That lightness he felt continued.

However, being in a house with Jo and Gabriel wasn’t conducive to a good night’s sleep. Cas could tell when Gabriel stopped helping him to sleep, because he’d wake up to the sounds of the two of them in the master bedroom. They made more noise than any of the orgies he’d ever held and he began to wonder when Jo actually slept, or if she really only needed four and a half hours of sleep.

Maybe she did. Some people got by on less. Not him, of course. He’d found he needed a solid seven hours. Jo seemed to do well on less than five. Or maybe she was napping in the afternoon? Could Gabriel be stretching time out for her?

In desperation for rest, he fled to Jo’s tiny house.

Risa let him in. She was wearing a nightshirt, her legs bare. He noticed she’d either painted her toenails a bright pink or had someone do it for her. She had the tv on, though the station merely played the same programming over and over most days. For her, the tv seemed to be a comfort. She kept it on most of the time.

He sat with her for nearly an hour, watching a talent show that featured Jo as one of the performers, singing a torch song while she smirked, leered, and strutted about in a skimpy costume before the audience. He could tell Gabriel had probably had a hand in the choreography and maybe even the choosing of the song itself. He waited until the program was over before venturing a soft query. “Can I stay here with you tonight?”

“I don’t see why not. Why? What’s going on at Casa Mitchell?”

“What isn’t going on? They’re loud. Not just any loud, but of the sort neighbors are usually complaining about.” He leaned his head back against the couch cushion. “I’m not one to care about that normally because it’s like the pot calling the kettle, right? But when I say loud, I don’t mean for a little while. I mean ‘all night, straight through to dawn, when the hell does Jo ever sleep’ loud. Gabriel has her screaming and moaning for hours at a time.”

She laughed at that. “You know, I never would have guessed that to look at him. He doesn’t look like the all-night-long kind of guy.”

“Some guys looks like that?”

“Oh yeah. With some men, you can tell at a glance that they’re sexual dynamos.” She crossed her legs, the nightshirt sliding up her thighs.

“There’s a lot more to him than meets the eye. He’s not typical, that’s for sure.” Cas smothered a yawn with one hand, then stretched his arms along the back of the couch. “Got a couple extra blankets?”

“Why?”

“For the couch.”

Risa used the remote to click the tv off, glancing askance at him “It’s ridiculous to sleep on the couch, Cas. We slept on a twin bed together for five months. Most of that time we slept naked. I think we can handle a full size.” She got up. “Come on.”

He followed her into the bedroom and closed the door. It was a habit now to close the door at night. At the camp he hadn’t worried about doors too much, but after those months with her, where it had been important to keep things barred, he’d grown used to locking up wherever he was at night. Risa pulled the covers back on the bed, a little awkward because of the cast. He went to her, placing his hands on her hips and turning her to face him as she stood. She put a hand on his chest and looked up at him, lips parting.

Cas dragged a hand up to cup her neck. “I’ve missed you.”

“You’ve missed me or you’ve missed the sex?”

He felt a little wounded by that. “I’ve missed you.” He pressed a kiss to her mouth. “And I’ve missed the sex, but mostly I’ve missed you.” Taking a step closer, Castiel slid his other hand around to her back and lower, onto the curve of her rear. “Tell me what you want me to do. Anything, Risa. Anything at all. What do you need?”

Uncertainty flickered in her dark eyes. “I need you to hold me,” she licked her lips, “and pretend this is the first time.”

“I can do that.”

He took his time, kissing her, holding, and caressing her, making the night what she wanted it to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Sex felt different here.

Risa noticed that the first time they had sex since Bobby Singer’s house. There was a tentativeness, a newness to it, that made him feel like a new lover to her instead of one whom she’d shared the darkest pieces of herself. It was what she’d wanted and needed from him and she was surprised that the feeling of newness remained past that night. A level had been reached between them, something different than before.

Maybe it was good they’d seen the worst of each other, for there was no where to go but up. Perhaps it was best that the polite societal veneer had been ripped away and there were no illusions as to who they both were under it all. It gave them an understanding of each other that others lacked.

They weren’t strong. They were both selfish, neurotic, and possessive, and they both knew what they’d do to survive together and just how long they’d last before they snapped.

She wrapped her right arm around him and laid her cheek against his shoulder. “You should bring some clothes here.”

“You want me to?” He clasped her hand in his, pressed it against his stomach.

“Yes. You’ve been here every night for two weeks, Cas. I think you can safely bring a few clothes over.” There was room in the closet and dresser. It wasn’t like she had a ton of clothes.

He sat up and turned. “I’d like that.”

Life went on. Risa continued to stay away from anything that might require her to leave the base and, after much thought, she joined a support group.

~~~~~~~~~~

Gabriel wanted Castiel to have weekly check-ups. It was a thing he went along with to have something to do. He sat while Nathan and the nurse looked him over. Weight, blood pressure, a new round of blood drawn for tests. Gabriel had them doing every blood and urine test they could. A part of him wondered why when Gabriel could look at him and know if something was going on. Accountability maybe? If he knew he was going to be tested random days in a week he wasn’t going to do drugs? Like he knew where to procure drugs here.

The camp had been easy. He’d simply gone to supplies and looked through the shelves until he found something or gone on a raid and picked up things out there. Here, everything was locked up and it seemed there was a running tally being kept all over the place on every ounce of alcohol he had.

It appeared that he’d become Gabriel’s project.

He sat for a moment after Nathan and the nurse left, already feeling a tenderness in the crook of his arm from where they’d taken the blood. There was going to be a bad bruise there later. It had taken the nurse three tries this time. The first one, she’d put the needle right through the vein. The second missed the vein. Third had been a charm. He pulled his shirt back on and buttoned it most of the way up, then picked up the slip of paper he was supposed to leave at the desk by the outer door.

The hallway outside the examining room he’d been in was loud with voices when Castiel stepped outside. He didn’t have to ask what had happened. Jo’s team had gone out that morning. Activity meant something had gone wrong and someone, or several people, were injured.

He wasn’t prepared for it to be Jo.

As the doctors and nurses wheeled her past, he got a very good look at her limp body. Blood slicked her shirt and jeans and he saw rips in her shirt that looked like bullet holes. She didn’t even look like she was breathing.

A hand gripped his shoulder and he turned his head to find Nathan, beside him.

“Two shots got her. Most of the blood isn’t hers. She’s been sedated. Mitchell met them coming in, stayed with her until they got here, then had to go deal with a crisis at the south gate.”

“There are more rips in her shirt than just two,” he pointed out.

“She’s not one to waste clothing. At least that’s what El says. It’s probably an old shirt.”

“El?” He raised his brows at that. He couldn’t recall Ellen letting anyone call her ‘El’.

“Ellen. Her mother. Thought you knew her, Castiel?”

“I do. I’ve never heard anyone call her that --”

The doors at the end of the hall burst open, Ellen coming through them. She hurried towards them. “Where is she,” she demanded. “I want to see her.”

“Help me grab her if she tries to follow them. Grab her if I miss and don’t let go, because she’ll fight dirty,” Nathan said in a low murmur before stepping in her way, arms spreading wide to catch her if she tried to push past him. “She’s in surgery El. They just took her in. You know it’ll be awhile before you can see her.”

“I’m not waiting. Get me a gown and mask. I’m going in with them.” Her gaze darted back and forth from one side of Nathan to the other.

“No, you’re not.”

Ellen shook her head, determination on her face. “Don’t get in my way, Nate. That’s my little girl in there. She could be dying --”

“She’s not. This isn’t even as bad as when she was stabbed.”

“Bullshit. Let me by.”

“Afraid I can’t do that. You go in there, you’ll distract them. You know this. We have this talk every time.”

“She’s my baby.”

“The shots went clear through her, clean, and no internal organs were hit.”

“I need to see her.”

“I can’t let you.”

She was fast and fought just as dirty as Nathan had said she would, slipping from Nathan’s grasp. She was nearly past Cas before he reached for her, grabbing onto her. She twisted in his arms and they went down with a crash. Together, he and Nathan got her immobile.

Nathan pushed up her sleeve. “Why do you do this every time, El?” He took the tip off of a prepared syringe and plunged the needle into her arm.

“Because one of these times it really will be the last time I see her.” Ellen went limp in his arms as the drug went through her system.

With a long sigh, Nathan got to his feet and placed the syringe in a container on the wall. “Think you can carry her by yourself?”

“Yes.” It took a moment to maneuver into a standing position with her, but he did it.

“I’ll show you where to put her. You can wait there with her if you want. It’s the same room Jo’ll be in when she comes out of surgery.”

It seemed hours before they wheeled Jo in. She looked haggard under the lights, pale and bloodless. Castiel waited for her to wake up. He understood Ellen’s behavior, perhaps more than some people. Jo was her life.

He knew a little something about that feeling.

~~~~~~~~~~

When Jo woke, it was to flashes of pain mixed with that curious floating sensation she got from some painkillers. She saw Castiel in the chair beside the bed. He was hunched over, his arms on his thighs and hands clasped, watching her wake. She tried to smile. “Hey….”

“Hi. How are you feeling?”

She pursed her lips and considered the question. “Floaty.”

“Good stuff, huh?”

“The best.” She looked behind him and frowned. “Cas? What’s my mom doing in the next bed?”

“We had to sedate her.”

“We?”

“Me and…Nathan.”

She forced herself to open her eyes wide, trying to see better. It didn’t help. The room still looked a little out of focus. “Buddies now, huh? Battlefield promotion from patient to friend from tackling my mom in the hallway?” Jo could hear her own voice was drowsy, the words slow and slurred a little.

“Something like that.”

“Nathan’s a cool guy.”

“He knew what to do. How’d you know we tackled her?”

“He’d better know what to do. He’s been handling her since we hooked up with Gabriel. He’s an original member of the unit. As for how, he has to every time. She gets worried.” She let her eyes close. “How many times did they say I was shot?”

“Two.”

“Mmm….” She cleared her throat. “Liars.”

“Jo?”

She was very thirsty now, opening her eyes again. “Could you get me some water?”

Castiel got up and brought a cup to her, angling the straw so she could take a sip. “Small sip,” he told her. “Nathan said.”

“I know.” She drank. “Thanks. I was shot more than twice, Cas. Try four or five times. Gabriel did what he could with the worst of them.”

“He could have healed you completely.”

Raising a hand, she motioned weakly for him to lean close. She touched his cheek, felt his beard tickling her palm. “He won’t because when I’m injured and healing it keeps me on base safe. We’ve argued. Typical male protecting…female….” She gave his cheek a light pat. “Tired now. Need to sleep. Bring Risa later, yeah?”

She slipped back to sleep before he even replied.