Title: The Guilt of Still Being

Chapter: Ten

~~~~~~~~~~

Castiel decided to stay until Ellen woke up. She’d said she didn’t want him to look for her and he hadn’t. He’d realized how much his behavior had affected her and rather than cause her more hurt, he’d done his best to remain out of her sight, respecting her request. There were so many things he was only now coming to understand that he shouldn’t have done over the years and screwing around on her was just one of them. It had been an accident to run in to her here. He’d already been here when she’d come in after Jo, but he thought he’d stay and update her on Jo’s status. She’d be okay with that. He hoped. If not, he’d apologize for that assumption and leave.

He watched Jo sleep mostly, studying her, wondering what about her had attracted Gabriel and made him want her and not a made-up woman. She was as complex as any other woman he’d met, yet with Gabriel’s abilities, did that matter? Or had he really done what he’d called the ‘hard way’ with her? Had he restrained himself from looking in her mind and plucking out the details that made Jo the woman she was? If so, then why? Was it because it was a challenge? They were a puzzle to him because of Jo’s complete nonchalance on Gabriel being an archangel. She behaved as though those things Gabriel was capable of didn’t bother her.

Were they any different from him and Risa though? Risa knew the darkest parts of him and still seemed to want to be with him. She gave him what he needed. Was it the same with Jo and Gabriel? Did they simply give each other what they needed? Could it really come down to something as simple as need?

Periodically, he’d glance over at Ellen, looking for signs that she was beginning to wake. He’d never meant to hurt her. Really he hadn’t. She’d taken him in hand and taught him more than the sexual matters, giving him insight into women and parts of life Dean hadn’t considered telling him. She’d given part of her life to him and he’d shown a disregard for that gift. Perhaps the label she’d put upon him of ‘selfish’ was accurate in that respect. He’d done what he’d wanted and hadn’t thought about her.

She began to stir, making tiny noises and rolling her head on the pillow. After a moment of that, her eyes opened and she turned her head to see Jo in the bed beside hers. A smile curved her lips, her sigh relieved. “Well, I feel a ton of silly right now.” Ellen sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Her smile faded when she saw him, a frown replacing it. “Cas?”

He waved a hand at her. “Hey. I wasn’t looking for you, I swear. I was already here when they brought Jo in and Nathan told me to grab you. Thought I’d stay and tell you what they said so you don’t have to hunt someone down about her.”

“Where’s Nate? Usually he’s here with me when I wake up.”

“There was an incident at the south gate. Brought someone else in while Jo was still in surgery.”

“Ahh.” She shifted position, hands sliding on the edge of the bed before she gripped it. “She woken up yet? I think Nate gave me enough to fell an elephant this time. I know I’m awake, but I still don’t feel quite awake yet.”

“She woke up a little bit ago. Ordered me to bring Risa to see her.”

“Jo likes Risa.”

He nodded. “I noticed. They talk a lot when Jo’s not working.”

“It’s good for Jo to have a friend closer her age. Gabriel’s interest in her squashed a lot of potential friendships, I think.”

“Why?”

“Girl issues, Cas. Ladies like Gabriel.”

He smiled at that. “It’s not surprising really.” He took a deep breath and nodded his head in Jo’s direction. “Jo’s going to be fine. Shoulder shot and side. She’ll have a lot of pain. They’ve got some sort of pain med release set up so she can press the button to release more if she needs it. She said she’d been shot before, so I guess you know what to expect. The usual after-care instructions for when she’s out of here. They left some papers on the table behind you.”

“Papers for me or Gabriel?”

“I don’t know. They just put them down and left.”

Ellen leaned back and snagged the papers. She was still looking them over when Jo shifted in her bed, pain contorting her face as she woke this time. Ellen set the papers aside and went to her, one hand touching Jo’s brow, the other closing Jo’s hand around the med release button. “Shhh…it’s okay, Jo. Press the button, baby. It’ll release more for you, take away that pain.”

“Mom?”

“I’m here. You know I’m here for you.”

“Hurts.” Jo shifted a little, eyes squeezing tighter shut. She looked even more pale than she had earlier.

“I know. You’ll get through the pain. Lot of us here to help. Whatever you need. Gabriel, me, Cas, Risa, Nathan…. Whole lot of people here for you. You’ll make it through the pain and you’ll get all better. You’ll be back on your feet before you know it.”

On that note, he thought he should probably leave the two of them alone. He got up from the chair and jerked a thumb towards the door, saying in a quiet voice, “I’m gonna go. Give you time alone.”

“Cas?”

“Yeah?” He paused at the door, looking over his shoulder at her.

“Thank you for staying with us, being here when she woke that first time. She’ll remember that.”

“You’re welcome, Ellen.” With a last glance at Jo, he left the room and the tiny hospital, walking slowly to Jo’s house and letting himself in.

Risa was on the couch. There was a pile of books on the coffee table and an open DVD case beside it. Whatever movie she’d picked up, she stopped, and looked at him. “I heard about Jo. How is she?” Risa ran her hand up and down the cast. Her arm had been itching a lot the past few days. He thought that was a good sign that her arm and wrist were healing.

“Good actually. In a lot of pain, of course, but….she wants me to bring you to see her later.”

“We can go tomorrow. I have to be there anyway.”

He sat beside her, curious as to why she’d been spending so much time there. “Why are you going there every couple days? You never said.”

She bit her lip, then reached for something on the coffee table. It was a notebook, spiral, with several loose sheets of paper stuck in it. She handed it to him.

“What’s this?” He opened it up and looked at the top sheet. The title was ‘Group Rules’. “Risa?” He turned the rest of the loose pages and saw the first page of the notebook. The handwriting was neat. It appeared to be a journal.

‘How do I honestly feel about those five months? To be perfectly honest, I hate them. I hate that we left people to die and didn’t even warn them. We left people who’d called us friends to die at Lucifer’s hands. What kind of people do that? I hate myself, I hate him, I hate what we did and became with each other. I hate the part of me that was brought out and displayed in front of another person. How am I supposed to feel about willingly prostituting myself just so I wouldn’t be alone? Am I supposed to like the fact that I threw away every moral fiber I had? Am I supposed to like the desperation, the whiny neediness, the fact that I did anything he wanted because I knew he’d stay? Or how about that I did like those games we played? The animal thrill I got from those was exciting. But I can’t like it. Who in their right mind wants all of their worst traits up front and center? Who wants to face who they really are under the polite, well-mannered surface?’

“I joined a support group and I’m getting personal counseling.”

Castiel closed the notebook and handed it back to her. “You hate me?” He’d known she would. He remembered thinking that the day they’d driven to Bobby’s. He’d known then that she’d hate herself and he’d been right. She hated him…and she’d come to him in night and day, just like those people at the camp.

“No, Cas, I don’t hate you.”

“You wrote that. You wrote that you hate me.” He studied her. There was determination in her eyes.

“It’s complicated. You know that. I’m every bit as screwed up as you are. This notebook is a therapy technique. I write down my thoughts on that time and maybe I’ll find a peace about it. Maybe I won’t want to run screaming when I think about how we treated each other. We weren’t kind, Castiel. We manipulated each other. None of what we had there was healthy. Can you admit that?”

He knew it. The affect they’d had on each other had been toxic in that closed environment. “Is it helping? The writing it out, the group, the individual sessions. Is it helping at all?” He didn’t answer her question. There was a bit of curiosity growing inside him about her experience with all of that. Dean had never been one to talk about things like that, nor had Bobby. Could it actually help?

She put the notebook back on the table. “I think so. I can admit out loud that I behaved like a desperate whore, manipulating you to get what I wanted. I did a lot out of fear and desperation that I wouldn’t do under normal circumstances. I don’t hate you, Cas. I hate that you were a catalyst and that we worked off of each other in unhealthy ways.” She touched his knee with her hand, squeezed it. “I like you. I like you very much and I like who we both are here far better than who we were there or who we were in the camp.” Risa watched him a moment, then drew her hand back. “Okay. What are you thinking? Because you’ve got this weird look on your face right now.”

“You’re telling strangers intimate details of what occurred between us.” He wasn’t angry about that exactly, but rather a little uncomfortable and uncertain how to feel about it. Who on the base knew what had gone on? Who was looking at him and was aware of those things they’d done? Why did it even bother him now when it hadn’t bothered him that people at the camp had known details?

“No, not in group. We talk mostly about the feelings involved and the physical consequences -- if we had any, not what actually happened. We discuss feelings a lot, try to work through them.”

“But you do talk to a stranger about it?”

“My doctor, yes. The details aren’t anything she hasn’t heard before from other people, Cas. She’s been counseling a long time.”

“Is it easier to talk to a stranger?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Especially since I know she’s not judging me. She’s very understanding, let’s me take charge of the direction of our sessions.” Her hand reached for his now and he let her take it. “You could meet her tomorrow. Come to her office about two, that’s when my appointment is over, and say ‘hi’.”

“I don’t know….” Did he really want a stranger poking and prodding in his mind when he already had Gabriel doing that? He was glad Risa was apparently feeling better by talking to the woman, but wasn’t sure he wanted to do the same.

“You wouldn’t be committing to anything by meeting her. Just…meet her?”

Risa wanted him to. He could see that clearly. She wanted him to meet her doctor and was hoping he’d like her enough to make an appointment. He sighed. “You really feel that therapy stuff is helping?”

“I do.”

Now he nodded. “Okay. I’ll meet her…but no guarantee I’ll make an appointment or join a group.”

“I’m not trying to push you into that. You know that, right? While I’d like you to, I won’t mention it again after you meet her.”

The decision made, they lapsed into a silence that was still comfortable despite his discomfort from the conversation. A contradiction, he thought as Risa started the movie over. He tried to pay attention to the plot, but Ellen’s words to Jo kept coming back to him.

‘You’ll make it through the pain and you’ll get all better.’

He hoped both he and Risa could do just that.

~~~~~~~~~~

Risa stood at the one-way glass, watching Gabriel with Jo. He was talking, reclining on the bed beside her. Occasionally, he’d touch her face or take her hand in his. While it appeared that they were arguing, there was still a tenderness in how they touched that indicated how much they cared for each other. She thought it was sweet. The tough soldier and the hunter. With a small smile, she turned away and began to walk to the elevator.

She was nervous about Castiel meeting her doctor. Chloe Shelbourne wasn’t an imposing woman. She was petite and somewhere in her fifties, with a non-threatening way of speaking that was almost soothing sometimes. Risa was nervous because she wanted Cas to like Dr. Shelbourne enough to consider actually making an appointment. She thought it’d be good if he had someone besides her, Jo, and Gabriel to talk to, someone who could assure him that what he’d felt and was feeling now were normal.

It probably hadn’t been a good idea to let him have even a glimpse of what she’d been writing and she’d been regretting that since taking the notebook back from him. She’d been writing everything, every last feeling she’d had without restraint. She really did hate herself and him, but not how they both were now. She hated how they’d been then and wasn’t sure he fully understood that distinction.

The look on his face had been interesting to say the least. There’d been guilt, apprehension, and just plain fear, but he was more open to the idea of therapy than he’d been. He’d actually listened instead of ignoring the topic altogether.

She went to her appointment and spent the hour talking about the issue of leaving people behind. Risa retained a lot of guilt over that action. They could have said something and hadn’t. They’d made a choice out of fear and now had to live with that.

“There are people who would have tried to save the camp. I know that. Once, I’d thought I was one of them. Yet, when confronted with the reality, I couldn’t do it. I had to think of myself. Does that make me a bad person? Selfish?”

“Afraid. Fear can be a big motivator, Risa.”

“I can’t do anything about it. It happened. I made a decision that cost a lot of people their lives. I wasn’t noble or even good at that moment. I just wanted to be safe and I didn’t care how I got to that point. I was willing to do anything.” She shrugged her right shoulder. “I still have nightmares about it. I imagine what he did to them and wonder if it’s possible that any of them survived. Were any of them able to flee before he got through the gates?”

She thought there was a possibility. If someone had been on the far side of camp by the water, maybe they could have taken one of the boats -- unless Lucifer had thought of that and had Croats coming by boat as well.

Castiel was waiting outside when the appointment was over, looking as nervous as Risa herself felt about this meeting. He was pacing the small waiting area, his arms crossed.

Dr. Shelbourne followed her into the waiting room. “You’re Castiel?”

He stopped pacing. “I am.”

She held out a hand. “Chloe Shelbourne. I do private sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays and meet with several of the groups the rest of the week. There are two other doctors in this office, Jeffrey Tanner and Christopher Lawson, who split up the rest of the week in private sessions and groups. It’s nice to meet you.”

He took her hand and released it quickly. “There’s not just you?”

“No. Three of us. Did you have any questions for me?”

For a second, it looked like he was going to say something and then he shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Okay. Well if you do, don’t hesitate to contact me or my colleagues.” She touched Risa’s arm. “Same time on Tuesday and bring your journal, okay?”

“I will.”

With a smile, Dr. Shelbourne excused herself and Risa let Cas lead her from the office and into the hallway towards the elevator. “Well?”

“Well, what? She seems nice.” His voice was distracted and he pressed the down button on the elevator.

“She’s very nice, Cas.” Turning, she looked up at him. He may be open to thinking about it, but he wasn’t ready to do it. He was still avoiding the past, not ready to face it. Risa put a hand on his chest, smoothed his t-shirt. “Okay. I’ll say no more about it.” She’d made that promise and would abide by it like she had the others she’d made. No more words on therapy -- unless he wanted information. “Let’s go see Jo.”

Jo was awake still when they got there. Risa wondered how tiring arguing with Gabriel had been for her and followed Cas into the room.

~~~~~~~~~~

She felt horrendous, which was exactly what Jo expected after having been shot. Gabriel wouldn’t even take some of the pain away. He said she had to remember she was mortal, that someday he might not be there to heal her at all. He didn’t want her becoming careless because she knew he’d heal her. Jo’s argument that she understood that was ignored. Gabriel claimed she was already starting to take his abilities for granted and if he didn’t let her suffer consequences it’d be a slippery slope into a complete disregard for her own safety.

As a result of that argument, she was in a pensive mood when Castiel and Risa came in to see her. She noticed they were holding hands and that there was a hint of vulnerability in Cas’s eyes. She wondered what had happened while she’d been out of commission for over a day.

“Jo, I didn’t know you could sing.” Castiel drew Risa forward with him.

Jo frowned. “Sing? What are you talking about? Did I start singing drinking songs or something while high on painkiller yesterday?”

“Talent show,” Risa clarified, sitting in the chair by the bed, Castiel standing behind her.

“It’s been running every few hours,” Cas told her, lips twitching slightly.

She rolled her eyes. “Oh geez. I lost a bet with Gabriel, okay? Knowing what I know now, I wonder if he made me lose just to get me up there. In fact, it’s likely that’s what he did.”

Behind Risa, Cas raised a hand and made an emphatic gesture across his throat, accompanied by a shake of his head. Jo concluded by that that Risa still wasn’t aware of the truth about him and Gabriel. An interesting decision on his part, since the angel he’d been explained so much of the man he’d fallen to become. Was he planning on telling her at all?

“Made you lose?”

She returned her attention to Risa and the question. “Yes. He sometimes…tricks people.”

Castiel cleared his throat.

“The bet could easily have been thrown if he was determined to get me on stage -- and he was determined. He thought I’d have fun performing.”

“Did you?”

She smiled. “Maybe.”

Cas placed his hands on Risa’s shoulders, touch obviously gentle on her left one. “You look a little more relaxed today.”

“Pain meds at max. I won’t have much longer where they’ll allow that. Too easy to become addicted.” She smothered a yawn, then gestured at Risa. “Had a check-up on the arm yet? Any idea when the cast comes off?”

“Another week, maybe two. They said the average recovery is six weeks, but it can be longer or shorter. Guess mine is longer.”

“I’ll bet you can’t wait to have mobility back.”

“It’s itching like crazy, too.”

They stayed half an hour before Risa said she needed to leave and Jo saw an opportunity to ask Cas a few questions privately. He agreed to stay. She waited to speak until she heard the elevator doors close.

“Shut the door for me?” When he had and was sitting once more in the chair Risa had been in, Jo shook her head. “Cas, Cas, Cas.”

“What, what, what?” He gave her a goofy grin and pulled the chair right up to the bedside, crossing his arms on the edge of the bed and resting his chin on them.

“When are you going to tell her?”

“Tell her?”

“Don’t play dumb because I know you’re not. Tell her about the whole angel past. You know you can’t keep it a secret forever. She’s gonna find out. If I don’t slip-up, mom will, or Gabriel will say something just so you have to spill the beans.”

That grin faded. “Jo….”

“Don’t ‘Jo’ me. You’re close to her, as close as Gabriel and I are, maybe even closer since you’ve seen the worst of each other. What’s the right thing to do here, Cas? You know what it is.”

His sigh was annoyed and he sat back. “You and Gabriel are both being awfully pushy these days.”

“Sweetheart, I’ve always been this way and I suspect he has to. If you haven’t noticed it until now….”

“I’m not ready to tell her and she’s not ready to hear it.”

“How do you know that? Have you tried?”

He looked away, jiggling one foot. She could hear the tap of his heel on the floor.

“You’re scared of telling her,” she guessed.

“Maybe I am, but it’s not like I should be with the other things I told her. The angel thing is mild. It’s nothing in comparison.”

“Then just do it and be done with it.”

He looked back at her and leaned forward, back in that crossed arm pose. “But what do I do if she rejects me like Dean did?”

She was startled that he seemed to know she knew what had happened. “Cas --”

A serious glint was in his eyes now. “I know you know, Jo. You and Gabriel…you’re like a real couple, telling each other things, with few secrets between you. Maybe he kept what he is a secret, but that’s all out now and you’re still together. There’s no way he didn’t tell you and I don’t think you were surprised, were you?”

“No. I’m not surprised by that.” She moved her hand, touching her fingers to his face, then sliding them through his hair. Jo hadn’t thought he’d realize how much Gabriel shared with her. “I could have guessed back then it would come to that at some point. Some people I can just…read.”

“I don’t disgust you? Everything you know now? About that and what Risa and I did?”

“Not at all. Like I’m little miss innocent? Cas, I don’t see Risa rejecting you over you having been an angel. I just don’t see that happening. She’s stayed by you after everything you went through together. I think she wants to understand you and I think you should let her.”

He was quiet a moment, gaze lowering. When he looked back up, anxiety had replaced the seriousness. “I’m scared to.”

“I know.” She stroked his cheek. “Would you rather tell her and know how she’ll react or forever wonder and worry?”

Castiel sighed again. “I want to know.”

“Then what’s the right thing to do here, Castiel?”

“I need to tell her.”

She didn’t know how soon that would happen or if he’d talk himself out of doing that the second he left. At least he was thinking about it. It was progress, because she didn’t think he would have considered telling Risa the truth even a week earlier.

He remained at her bedside, chin resting on his arms, as she closed her eyes and let herself succumb to a well-needed rest.