Title: The Guilt of Still Being

Chapter: Eleven

Notes: The quotes are from S4 episode 2: ‘Are You There God? It’s Me, Dean Winchester’ and S5 episode 4: ‘The End’.

~~~~~~~~~~

By ten weeks on the base, Castiel had pretty much moved out of Gabriel’s house and into Jo’s house with Risa. He liked that switch, as it gave the illusion Gabriel couldn’t wake him up at two a.m. for a chat. Definitely an illusion, that. Gabriel woke him up whenever he felt like it. He’d wake him up without a single thought for the fact that Cas needed sleep, sometimes to talk about something as trivial as ice cream. He ignored any surliness Castiel displayed, behaving as though they were…friends.

While her cast had come off, Risa’s shoulder remained tender and sore and she was wary of overusing her arm and wrist. Nathan said she’d healed well and should have no problems building her strength back up. She’d expressed a desire to train with a gun again, but acknowledged to Castiel that she no longer wanted a hands on role like Jo had. She didn’t want to be part of a team that went outside the base. Her own actions after that disastrous mission made her wonder if she’d make that same decision a second time. She thought it best not to tempt fate.

He didn’t tell her that Gabriel wouldn’t let her go out anyway.

Castiel discovered that Risa was right. Being alone here was different from being alone at Bobby’s house. There, they’d been very alone, relying on each other. Here, they had people around. They could socialize if they chose and it was that choice, he thought, that changed things. While they still enjoyed an evening watching a movie alone, they could easily head out to the bar and play darts or shoot pool, or go to Gabriel’s and relieve Jo’s boredom. It was the socialization that made the biggest difference. Humans were social creatures.

Jo wasn’t happy to have her activities curtailed. She wanted to be back at her job and Gabriel’s refusal to speed her healing process was driving her up the wall. She said she felt useless when she did go to work because all she could do was hand out assignments to everyone else and sit at a desk revising schedules and reports. No one would let her try anything more taxing than walking from point A to point B.

Risa planned to visit her in the afternoon for a couple hours of coffee, cards, and girl talk. Her words, not his. He thought the friendship that had developed there was good for both Jo and Risa. He was glad they’d become friends.

He continued to think about the therapy issue. At least Gabriel didn’t demand he go, or make him with a snap. It was still very much his decision whether or not he went. Risa was doing well in it, her moods lighter as the days went on and she developed a peace about herself. She smiled more and he’d come to enjoy seeing her smiles. They made him wistful for that kind of peace. He wanted it, yet wasn’t sure he could ever attain it. There was too much baggage, too many issues stemming from too many things.

One afternoon, he’d taken one of Chloe Shelbourne’s business cards from the wall of cards in the lobby. He’d spend minutes turning it over and over in his hands, fingers rubbing the print on it so much that the print on it began to wear. He carried it with him. A few times he’d even stopped outside the office door, hand reaching for the knob before he changed his mind.

Castiel couldn’t quite take that step.

~~~~~~~~~~

Something had been puzzling Risa for a very long time and she decided to just come out and ask him about it. She waited until after a lazy morning in bed, figuring he’d be in a good mood and relaxed enough to maybe talk to her seriously.

He dragged on his jeans and fastened them, then reached for his shirt.

“Can I ask you something?” Risa sat up and reached for her robe, drawing it on and adjusting it as she moved to sit on the side of the bed.

“I suppose.” Cas pulled on his shirt.

“Once, you said that Dean needed you to remind him that an angel fell from heaven for him. What did you mean by that? Why you?”

“Ahh.” He buttoned the shirt, working each button slowly. “Not the kind of question I was expecting.”

“You keep saying ‘what’ you were before the Apocalypse started, never ‘who’. Will you tell me?”

Sitting beside her, he took her hand between his, fingers caressing. “You’re aware of a lot of things on the fringe of normal human society, creatures that aren’t really myth and so on. You know Lucifer exists and he’s an angel, so therefore, angels exist as well. Right?”

“Yes. It reasons out.”

He was quiet a minute, looking down at the floor, then back at her. Anxiety grew in his eyes as he continued. “I was one of them, Risa. I was an angel, one of the soldiers of heaven. You remember that hand print scar on Dean’s shoulder?”

She nodded. She’d wanted to ask Dean about it and had never found the right moment. He hadn’t exactly invited inquiries on it.

“Mine. My hand. I was the one pulled Dean from hell, yanked him up out of a literal hell, a real place that does exist. I later made the choice to leave heaven. There was wrongdoing there and I couldn’t follow my superiors who were perpetrating those wrongs. I knew what was right back then. I fell from heaven, lost my angelic powers, and became human. Mostly human. And that’s when everything became…jumbled. It was confusing, hard, painful, and my perceptions shifted. I fell hard and I haven’t been able to get back to my feet.”

“An angel.” She pulled her hand from his, thinking about everything she knew about him and those things he’d said. This wasn’t far-fetched. In fact, it actually cleared up a few odd wonderings she’d had about him. If he was an angel…. Risa remembered what he’d said about himself and Gabriel, about how they were raised together. From what he’d said, she could infer that Gabriel was an angel too.

“Yes,” he confirmed with a nod.

“How long have you been mostly human?” There was a vulnerability about him now, a fragility, as though the wrong word from her would send him crashing down.

“Since long before we even met at the camp. That’s why I said it’s not important, Risa. I was an angel. I’m not one anymore, and there’s no way I’m going to be one ever again. It doesn’t matter, just ignore it completely.”

“But it is important, Cas. Who we were before is always a part of who we are. We can ignore it, deny it, pretend it was never there, but it is. It doesn’t go away and no matter how you wish it wasn’t that way, it can’t be changed. Who we were is always an important piece of who we become.”

“But I don’t really like who I am in relation to who I was. I was an angel, Risa. An angel. Becoming human after that…. It’s nothing but pain.”

She drew her legs up so that she was kneeling. “Not all pain. I’ve seen you have really good days where I don’t think you even think about it. It’s not all pain.”

“I’ll understand if you want me to leave.”

The statement threw her for a long minute and while he claimed he’d understand such a want, his voice indicated otherwise. “Leave?”

He nodded, not looking at her. “Leave. Go back to Gabriel’s. Move out.”

“Why would I want that?”

His head turned, a sliver of hope and confusion mingled together in his gaze. “You don’t?”

She snorted. “Hell no. After you finally gave me the piece of the puzzle that makes some of you actually make sense to me? I don’t think so. Castiel, I’ve been trying to figure you out from day one at that house and while I got some of you, I couldn’t seem to make the rest make sense.”

“Now you can.”

“Somewhat. Knowing that helps me.” She reached out and cupped his face in her hands. “I want you here, with me. Is that clear enough? We gave each other ourselves, remember? We’re part of each other, connected. That doesn’t just go away because you were once an angel.”

“You’re certain you wish me to stay?”

“Positive.” She drew him to her and held him.

This time neither of them cried.

~~~~~~~~~~

Since no one was letting her do anything at work, Jo took a few more days off. They could handle things without her and if they did need her they knew where to find her. She and Risa had several things planned for the time. Today was coffee, cards, noshing the desserts Gabriel kept around, and girl talk. Jo was curious as to whether or not Castiel had ever said anything to her about his past. Not that she’d out him, she just planned to ask a few questions and see what Risa said.

It turned out, however, that she didn’t have to ask. Risa brought up the subject as they were working their way through slices of triple chocolate cake with whipped cream and cherries.

“You know Castiel from before, Jo. I know you and your mom both do, but how far before?”

“Back in ‘09.”

“Was he still….” She licked her lips. “Never mind. You’ll think I’m nuts.”

“No, Risa, what? I won’t think you’re crazy.”

“Was he still an angel,” she blurted out. “Please tell me you knew him then and it’s really true because it makes so much sense to me if it is.”

“Uh…yeah, I knew him then, but he was already falling, losing his powers.”

“It’s true? It’s really true?”

“Sure is.”

“That means…. Once he’d said something about him and Gabriel that --”

“Yes.” She sipped her coffee. “He’s one too. Archangel, actually, which means he got to keep his powers when he left. Castiel was a regular angel, so the other angels were able to cut off the flow.”

“Oh. I’d…. I’d wondered after we talked. I mean, I’d wondered about Gabriel. Wow.”

“It’s a lot to take in, I know.”

“No, it’s not that much, really. Lucifer is out there in the world, Jo. This is small stuff compared to that.”

She smiled. “You know, I think that’s just the attitude Cas needs right now from you.” Jo reached for another slice of cake. “There are a few perks of seeing an angel or former angel.”

“Like what?” Risa took a big bite of her own cake.

“Like you don’t have to worry.”

“About what?”

Jo gestured at her. “Pregnancy. The vessel process does something to the sperm. Basically, he’s shooting blanks. Even if they meet up with an egg, they wouldn’t know what to do with it.”

“How do you know?”

“Gabriel.” She reached for her coffee and took a sip. “When he looked Castiel over that first day and studied the changes in him, that was one of the things he noticed. The ‘issue’ didn’t change just because he became human.”

“Mostly human.”

“Yeah. Angels can’t reproduce, Risa. Their numbers are finite. If it was as simple as vesseling up and having babies to replenish, they probably would have. It’s not the case. Even graceless and powerless, they can’t have kids.”

“That’d explain his casual disregard for protection.”

She smiled. “Nah. He’s just a normal guy who’ll go bareback unless you insist otherwise. I remember him and Dean having this argument about it. Cas was complaining about the loss of sensation with condoms and Dean was telling him it didn’t matter, that he needed to be responsible and use them all the time, not just some of the time. Huge, huge argument. Cas said that if he caught something and died from it, then Dean wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore.”

The memory was almost fresh in her head, one of those turning points in her life. She’d stood there with Ellen, watching her mother realize that her lover was sleeping around on her with no regard for his, or her, safety. She’d watched that stricken look blossom on her mother’s face. It seemed she’d been able to see Ellen’s heart breaking in two.

“Dean was beyond pissed. I’d never seen him that mad before. He said that Cas was being selfish, that it wouldn’t be only him catching something, but everyone he had sex with. You know, the standard STD talk most of us got in high school,” she inclined her head a little, “or from our over-protective mother at age eleven when we got our period for the first time.”

“Was that when you and Ellen left?”

“Yeah. The next day. She didn’t yell at Cas or anything. No goodbye. Sometimes I wonder what he thought of that. We told Dean we were taking off, got an earful from him about it, and left. I had to drive because she was too upset.”

“I’d wondered if there’d been something between them once.”

“There was something.” Jo shrugged. “Then it was gone and so were we.”

It was nice to spend a relaxing afternoon with Risa. It had been a very long time since Jo had had a close female friend besides her mother and Lord knew she wasn’t about to tell Ellen everything going on in her life. There were just some things her mother didn’t need to know.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Why do you let her go out?” Castiel crossed his arms, slowly walking around Gabriel’s office, studying every part of it. “I mean, you obviously care about Jo. Why let her go out on runs at all? You could easily make her stay here.”

“If I made her stay and it wasn’t her choice to do so, I’d be destroying one of the very things I like most about her -- her fearlessness. That woman is fearless. Not to say she doesn’t make mistakes from that because she’s made some doozies. With mistakes come consequences.” He pointed at the door. The lock clicked, making sure no one would come in. “Or as many consequences as I can bear to let her go through. Believe me, Castiel, watching her recover from wounds is hard. I do want to make it all better for her.”

“So why don’t you?” There was a picture of Jo on the desk. It looked like she was playing with a dog.

“She’s mortal.”

“And?”

“She has to remember that on occasion, especially now that she knows who and what I am and what I can do. I can’t have her careless. Careless and fearless are a fatal combination and as much as I do care for her…. I can’t just keep her alive all the time. People do die and even angels have to feel that loss.”

“How is she fearless?” He went to the wall of weapons, looking them over.

“She’ll run at the enemy to get a job done, never expecting more of her team than she herself is willing to give. I’ve seen her shame men twice her size into pushing on. Jo’s a spitfire and she knows her stuff. Ellen taught her well.”

“That she did, but you want her out of the way. Jo, I mean.” He’d been thinking about that and about how closely Gabriel had been watching him recently. There was a reason for both, he thought.

“Maybe I do. Like you pointed out, I do care about her.”

Castiel stared at the wall a moment longer, then reached up and touched the sword he recognized. He looked over his shoulder with a small amused smile. “So where’s the real one?”

“Safe. I’m not about to leave the real one laying around. That thing is dangerous.”

“Why have a fake out anyway?” He removed his hand from it.

“Because it looks cool there -- and to see just how long it’d take Jo to notice it and put two and two together.” He stacked some papers on the desk. “How did you know it was fake, Castiel? I mean, you being human and all.” His tone indicated that he already knew the answer, he simply wanted Cas to say it.

He moved to the chair and dropped into it, stretching his legs out and crossing his ankles. “The one insignificant little percent of me that is still an angel can tell.”

“Does it look fake?”

“No. It looks real.”

“But you touched it and knew. How?”

Cas sighed. “It feels wrong. It feels fake to touch.” He laced his fingers together across his stomach. “What’s this all about, Gabriel? I mean really. Why’d you ask me to come here to your office?”

Gabriel sat back in his chair. “I’ve been remiss in my duties as your brother.”

“Why care now?”

“You’re all the family I have left. Michael slammed the door, locked me out, and Lucifer shut me away too.”

“My heart bleeds for you. You know, it’s touching to be the last choice. I’m honored by that, really I am, don’t get me wrong, but you can blow me.”

A slow frown pulled Gabriel’s brows down. “I’m trying to do the right thing.”

“Where were you four years ago and who the hell asked you to anyway? I mean, why start now? Why pretend you give a damn about me when you don’t?”

“I have no one left. I --”

“You knew where I was. You could have showed up any time and didn’t.”

“I thought Dean was taking care of you, looking out for you like he did Sam for years.”

“Well, he wasn’t.”

“I know that now. Not like I knew it then.”

“Maybe if you’d bothered to stop by, you would have known.”

They lapsed into silence, staring at each other.

Castiel pulled a noisy breath in through his nose. “Why are you pushing me at all that therapy stuff? The brochures, the schedules slipped under the door, and all that?”

“Don’t you think you need something?”

“Talking to a stranger about my personal problems?”

“Why not? Works for a lot of people.”

“No, thank you. I had something. You won’t let me do any of it. Why are you pushing?”

Gabriel glanced away. “I wasn’t going to talk to you about this yet because I don’t think you’re ready for it, but….” His sigh was tired. “The past three years or so, I’ve been acting as a guardian of sorts for humans. It’s been one of the few things I can do to balance Lucifer’s tantrum out there in the world. I like people, Castiel. I like them very much. We angels were so wrong on them. We let our jealousy blind us.”

“And?” From where he sat, it didn’t look like Gabriel had ever had much jealousy towards humans. He’d always seemed more willing to accept them.

“And I want to save them if I can. I’ve gone forward and we’ve got about a year left, maybe two before Luci’s used up the planet entirely, which means if I’m going to actually do anything to try to stop him it has to be soon. If I wait too long, there won’t be anything for survivors to live on.” He leaned forward and crossed his arms on the edge of the desk. “Now, I could go in alone, face him, but I’d rather have back-up. That’s why I’ve been pushing you. I want you with me. You’re my brother, Castiel. You’re also a soldier. It’s what you were made to be. Can you deny that part of yourself is still there? Join me. Go with me. Fight to save this rock and the people on it. You cared about Dean, loved him deeply. What was he trying to do? Save everything. He may be gone, but I think we still have a chance to turn things around. Help me, brother.”

Castiel shook his head. “Gabriel…. Don’t ask me to do this. Don’t ask me --”

“Please. Consider it. I won’t act until I have your answer, but do think about it. Think about all of it, not just yourself. Consider Risa, Jo, Ellen and the hundreds of people still alive and fighting. They’re still fighting, Cas. Even now, they’re not stopping. Why? Why aren’t they giving up? Because they still see something worth living for.” He sat back again and shook his head. “Can’t you?”

He left a few minutes later, walking to the commissary and making a few purchases on Gabriel’s account, then going back to Jo’s house. He took the items into the bathroom, laid them out on the sink under Risa’s curious, then alarmed gaze, the closed the bathroom door firmly, shutting her out.

Gabriel had called him a soldier, not once, but several times in their recent conversations. He’d stressed that that was what Castiel was, what he’d been made to be. He was a soldier.

“I’m a soldier,” he said to his reflection. The words were flat, cold. He recalled saying that once to Dean.

‘Then why didn’t you fight’, came the ghost of Dean’s voice in response.

He stared at his reflection, noted bits of it. The wild beard he’d refused to shave off. Months of growth that he’d barely even trimmed neatly. Why trim it? Why not let his humanity show on his face with unchecked growth? Haunted eyes that told a story all their own. The bitter, cynical twist of his lips.

Gabriel had offered him family, that brotherly bond he’d lost. He’d offered family and friendship. He’d offered safety, refuge, and a full understanding of everything he’d ever been and would be. Gabriel knew him. He’d looked in Castiel’s mind and seen every detestable, ugly human thing in there, yet still he spread his arms in a welcoming hug and said, “Brother.”

Did he want any of that or simply an end to all? Could he become anything but the pathetic, weak human he was now?

He reached for the scissors and raised them, snipping at the beard. With each snip, he felt more relaxed, and when he’d trimmed it in a neat line, he studied himself again.

Where was the old Castiel, the one who’d rebelled because he’d known it was the right thing to do? Where had he gone? Where was that certainty, that conviction? Was he too far buried beneath the pain of the man he’d become to try to break free? Could he somehow become a melding of that old, righteous angel and fallen, sinful man?

Cas leaned close to the mirror, peering closely at himself. “Forgive me, Father,” he whispered, “for I have sinned.”

There was no answer, nothing to indicate anyone was listening. He licked his lips, thinking about all that Gabriel had said in that office, how he’d talked about guarding humanity in the last days because it was one of the few things he could do. Dean’s words from a long time ago came back to him.

--I thought angels were supposed to be guardians. Fluffy wings, halos -- You know, Michael Landon. Not dicks. --

He’d told Dean to read the Bible, that angels were warriors of God, soldiers. It had never occurred to him that he could have been both a guardian and a soldier.

-- Then why didn't you fight? --

Past Dean, looking at him with confusion and concern in his eyes:

-- What happened to you? --

And later:

-- Don't get me wrong, Cas. I, uh, I'm happy that the stick is out of your ass, but -- what's going on -- with the drugs and the orgies and the love-guru crap? --

Gripping the edge of the sink, he leaned closer, looking into his own eyes, still hating what he saw there.

-- …supposed to be guardians….warriors of God….soldiers….why didn’t you fight….what happened… --

“Life happened,” he said, that same thing he’d told past Dean.

He picked up the straight razor he’d bought next and opened it.

This wouldn’t take long.