The Long Road Back
Chapter Twenty: Children
~~~~~~~~~~
The silence was broken by Anakin's waking scream. He hated his nightmares, horrible dreams of Vader's deeds played out in full color. Lately, he'd dreamed of the children, of the trusting faces and terrified screams when they realized he meant to hurt them. If he thought hard enough, he could remember their names. Anakin half suspected Vader of deliberately sending memories his way in an attempt to make him give up control. He sat up, carefully keeping his gaze on the bed and not looking around it.
Several times over the past weeks he'd woken, looked up and seen Qui-Gon watching him, which was absurd since Qui-Gon was very dead. It wasn't the man himself that frightened him, but rather the idea that he was seeing things that couldn't possibly be there. That scared him.
He began to dread another glimpse, greatly fearing such an occurrence, for seeing things intimated a definite reality that he was well and truly cracking up. Vader had only been the first part of the process of fully losing his mind. His worries at that fed his fears. He knew he should talk to Sonas about it, but didn't want to. He'd rather talk to Obi-Wan.
Ben, he reminded himself, then took tiny glances left and right. There were no faces that shouldn't be there and he sighed with relief. In the morning, during their allotted hour to meet, he'd ask Ben if he thought that seeing Qui-Gon meant he needed to schedule more time in therapy.
The thought that Ben would have an answer comforted him and Anakin lay back down, returning to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~
Anakin's fear announced his presence long before he physically came through the door. The emotion was strong, as Qui-Gon had said, yet Obi-Wan felt a subtle difference to it. This was not the sort of fear Anakin had held before.
"I'm not being mindful of my thoughts," Anakin announced directly, dropping into a chair and stretching his legs out. He looked very tired. "I'm too worried to make the effort."
This was a new approach. Well, we'll just go with it, Obi-Wan decided, sitting across from him. "Go on."
Anakin fidgeted like he had as a child before beginning. "I'm having nightmares, but they're not what's really bothering me. They're only memories of Vader's actions. What's bothering me is what I see on waking." An explosive sigh left his lips. "I'm losing my mind, Obi-Wan. Seriously. I keep seeing Qui-Gon, of all people. I know, strange. I wake up and he's there, frowning, watching me. It's innerving, mainly because I know he can't really be there."
Oh dear. He'd been afraid of something like this. Obi-Wan leaned forward, forearms resting on his knees. "Well, if you're going round the bend, then Yoda and I are waiting for you there."
He looked up. "What?"
Obi-Wan inclined his head in a nod. "Qui-Gon's essence remained intact, Anakin. We speak from time to time. He's worried about you, but was reluctant to announce his presence."
"He remained intact." Anakin's brows lowered as he thought about that.
"Yes."
Slowly, the agonized expression was replaced by joy. "He cheated death."
For a moment, Obi-Wan considered that, then nodded again. "In a way. His body is gone, but his essence remains fully conscious, a spirit form."
Anakin laughed. "You know, Palpatine claimed such knowledge, yet didn't really possess it. How fitting that it's known by the Jedi his apprentice Maul killed." He relaxed in the chair. "You can't know how relieved this makes me."
"Oh, I think I can guess. Shall we spar a bit today, or talk?"
Anakin watched him a few seconds. "Let's talk. Tell me more about Qui-Gon."
Their chats now were deeper than they had ever been, the very sort they should have had over the years. Obi-Wan tried not to hold himself back and though he wasn't entirely successful -- a distrust of Anakin would remain for a long while -- he had a good start on that path.
~~~~~~~~~~
Tonight was the night. Padmé was determined to get past Anakin's reluctance to remove any clothing. She'd dressed in her most provocative outfit -- a lavender colored corset that barely contained her curves and a skirt with slits so high up the legs she flashed leg with the slightest movement --, had his favorite brand of wine chilling and turned the lights down low. She was supposed to be making him dinner, but take-out was infinitely better than her own cooking. The evening progressed nicely and right along the schedule she had planned in her mind.
They ate, danced a little to soft music, watched the sunset on the veranda and returned inside for a few drinks. He didn't seem to mind her amorous mood, gathering her to him on the plush couch.
Padmé slipped her hand under the edge of his tunic, rubbed teasingly at his chest, then stilled. What the --? Drawing back, she frowned. Grasping the edges of his tunic, she jerked it open before he could stop her. Her eyes widened. "Since when do you have chest hair?"
Was that a blush? Was he blushing? Her gaze lowered once more to the spot. There, amid the scarring, were patches of chest hair.
Anakin shifted position a fraction. "Since I quit shaving my chest."
Padmé leveled herself off of him, returning to her previous position beside him and adjusting her top. "You what?"
"I thought you liked my chest smooth."
But hadn't it been smooth all along? She never recalled any hair on his chest at any time. Padmé recalled all the times she'd run her hands over his chest. Nope. No hair. Had he shaved his chest like he'd shaved his face and throat? A giggle from the mental picture that presented left her before she could stop it. "Oh Ani. Is that what always took you so long those times you claimed you needed to freshen up from traveling before we--"
He scowled, but the frown smoothed out quickly. He nodded, a somewhat sheepish grin turning his lips. "Silly, huh?"
"Silly?" Padmé smiled. "I think it's sweet."
"Sweet? Six years of shaving my chest was sweet?"
It was her turn to frown. "Six years? I only recall three. Did I lose three years between us or did you really start shaving your chest at..." she made mental calculations, "...seventeen?"
The mood was broken. Anakin drew his tunic back in place and reached for his wine. "There's a story behind it, honest. We were on an assignment and chest hair was...detrimental."
"Detrimental? Oh, I can't wait for this story."
"Some things just should not be put to voice. That story is one of them."
"Please," she said, hand touching his. "I'm intrigued. Was it detrimental to you both? I can't for the life of me imagine under what circumstances chest hair would be detrimental for a man."
He laughed, sipped his drink and raised a brow. "Well...you might be surprised." Casting a glance askance, he obviously reconsidered. "Then again, maybe not."
He began the story, making her laugh so hard she cried. By the time he finished, she was gasping for breath.
"And you've shaved you chest ever since?" She wiped her eyes. Too, too funny, and to think that Baron Gorash was involved! Padmé could picture it all in her head. Teenaged Anakin trying desperately to exasperate Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan trying desperately to ignore his antics.
Anakin nodded. "Ever since. Until Vader's suit, that is. It took a long time for any hair to come back because of the scarring."
Leaning forward, she parted his tunic. "I am not used to seeing hair on your chest."
"There's not much. I thought I'd never get any again." He laughed once more. "I recall saying nearly those same words to Obi-Wan when he told me to shave." Draining his glass, he set it aside. "If you don't like it, I suppose I could have laser treatment to remove it permanently, though I must admit the thought of burning away anything, any way on my body gives me shivers. Shaving is out for obvious reason and I'm not waxing..." He trailed off and Padmé hurried to reassure him.
"No, no!" She ran her hands across his chest. "I like it."
"Yeah?"
Padmé smiled and moved closer, determined to prove just how much she liked it. Their mouths met, kiss becoming heated.
She soon found Anakin's protestations to removing clothing had altogether disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~
This naming thing was getting ridiculous, even if it was amusing everyone around them to no end. Padmé was especially amused, remarking that they could call him 'noname' like it was one word. 'No-nah-may' was just one of the pronunciations she'd come up with. Anakin suggested 'Qui-Gon', but Qui-Gon threatened to never visit again if they named the boy after him.
Dormé, meanwhile, was scouring name lists for suitable names and was growing more frustrated by the day when none seemed right. By twelve weeks, a child should be named.
"I did it!" Dormé came through the door, arms laden with purchases. Her excitement fairly colored the air about her. "I found the perfect name! You're going to love it! I heard it and it was perfect." She grinned.
Cradling the boy in one arm, Obi-Wan nodded encouragingly. "What is it?"
Her mouth opened. Gradually, her smile faded and her lower lip began to quiver. Distress twisted her features. "I can't remember," she wailed, loud enough to wake their baby. "I was so excited about finding it...." With a dejected air, she set the packages down and sat beside him. "It's gone. Poof!"
She looked so sad. "It'll come to you, my love. Don't worry about it." He rocked the baby.
"But it was just right. I even stopped the man to make sure I had the correct spelling."
She was on the verge of a crying jag, he saw it coming and hurried to distract her. "You'll think of it. So, what did you buy today?" Obi-Wan forced cheer into his voice. He'd had to reign her in several times already in her shopping.
Dormé glanced at him, a look indicating she knew what he was trying to do. "Don't worry, Ben, no velvet today." She paused. "They only had twelve yards and I need more than that. I want to have thirty or forty yards in order to have enough after smocking. Smocking, as you know, really eats up fabric. Twenty yards can easily end up as only around five after smocking."
He didn't know that, but he'd learned to simply nod and agree. Besides, the crafts she ended up working on did interest him in a 'how can she stand to sit and do that for hours' way.
"I picked up my clothing order and the pendant I bought for Padmé for her birthday. No new purchases. I resisted buying you a colored shirt you wouldn't wear anyway even though it was pretty. The color would have matched your eyes."
Obi-Wan resisted both her and Anakin's efforts to get him into something besides white, beige and brown. Why did they think he needed to wear colors? He happened to like beige, white and brown. Besides, Anakin wore enough color for about six people these days. "Nothing at all new?" He pretended to be shocked. "Are you feeling okay?"
Slipping off her coat and shoes, she curled against him, her head on his shoulder and one finger stroking their son's cheeks. "I'm a bit tired is all."
Within minutes, she'd drifted off.
I'm a pillow and a bed, Obi-Wan thought, but he was content with his son and wife both against him, so he didn't move, even when his shoulder went to sleep. Dormé slept an hour, then woke and took their son, disappearing into their bedroom to put her clothes away.
Obi-Wan took the moment to contact Anakin. He was curious how that plan to court Padmé was going. Anakin had been fairly close mouthed about the process, just saying over and over that he was taking his time. There was going to be no rushing.
After an unusual amount of time, Anakin answered. Obi-Wan took one look at the goofy expression and knew that Padmé's not so subtle attempts at seduction had succeeded. "What happened to taking your time? To wooing her?"
"Are you kidding," Anakin replied. "We took our time. Twelve weeks is an eternity."
Especially since Obi-Wan now knew the initial courting years earlier had only been a few days. "Be careful, Anakin."
"I am being careful. Multiple methods of careful -- which, by the way, she had planned already."
"I didn't need to know that. Besides, that's not what I meant." Sometimes, Obi-Wan could still see a bit of teenager in Anakin, like right now. He blinked. Was that a smirk?
Anakin laughed. "I know what you meant. I'm teasing, Obi-Wan. Relax. Have you named the baby yet?"
Obi-Wan scowled and ended the transmission, knowing Anakin wouldn't take offense at the abrupt end. Asking about the baby's name had become Anakin's way of stopping a conversation he didn't wish to continue. He checked on Dormé, found her taking a bath and singing a somewhat off-key lullaby to their son, who kicked his feet and blew spit bubbles in his carrier. He changed into sleep pants and returned to his place on the couch to read a bit.
He knew the exact moment when their son was asleep, for Dormé came from the nursery chanting, 'stay asleep, stay asleep, stay asleep' over and over in a whisper. It was doubtful that would do any good, but he understood the need to try. Their son refused to sleep through the night. He seemed to think that everyone only needed three hours of sleep at a time. One of them would go in there and he'd start cooing up a storm, kicking his feet and drooling.
Dormé disappeared back into the refresher and was in there long enough that he knew what was on her mind. He closed his eyes, smiling a little in anticipation. Gradually, the scent of her perfume drifted to him and he reached back for her as she leaned down to him.
Several hours later, they lay face to face, exchanging kisses and gentle caresses. He stroked his fingers across her cheek. "I love you more than I ever thought possible. The very fact that we found each other amazes me."
Dormé pressed a kiss to his lips, then gasped and sat up. "Don-Al!"
"What?" Obi-Wan sat as well, frowning, waiting for an explanation.
She laughed, a warm sound. "Don-Al. That's the name I've been trying to remember."
"Don-Al," he repeated, then did so again with 'Kenobi'. He nodded. It had a certain ring to it. "I like it."
And so it was agreed. Their first born had finally been named.
Don-Al.
~~~~~~~~~~
Anakin didn't think a thing of walking right in to Padmé's apartment. After all, she'd told him to for weeks. It wasn't until he noticed the scene in the living area that he paused his strides.
Padmé was on the floor playing with two children. On the couches were Bail and Breha Organa and Owen and Beru Lars. They all seemed nervous upon noticing him. He attributed it quickly to a worry over how he would behave and adjusted his robe with the sort of apprehension he hadn't felt in years. Suddenly he was sweating. Profusely.
"You've visitors," he said, then winced. Way to point out the obvious, Anakin.
She looked up with a radiant smile. "We have visitors, Anakin." Padmé corrected him and moved up onto her knees, holding out a hand to him. "Come and meet Luke and Leia. They're delightful."
What did the children's parents think of that? "With permission of their parents." He watched the two couples exchange glances.
Owen crossed his arms and gave a stiff nod, while Beru slid so close to the couch edge that Anakin thought she was going to fall off. Maternal anxiety? Was Beru one of those worrying mothers?
"We give permission," Breha began, "but I assure you, Leia makes up her own mind who she cares to be acquainted with."
Who did she get that from, he wondered. Was it Bail or Breha? He'd met Leia before, but only as Vader, never as himself.
Leia rose, smoothed her dress and approached him. "I'm Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan." Cool eyes assessed him and the small beauty inclined her head. "How do you do, Master Skywalker? It's a pleasure to meet you."
He couldn't help the smile that curved his lips. He found himself responding in a way Vader never would have. What a cutie! She was trying so hard to be proper in manner. "I'm pleased to meet you as well, Princess." Anakin crouched down. "You can call me Anakin if you wish. I don't like titles much these days."
She looked at her parents and, presumably, they nodded, for Leia stretched out a hand, touching his a brief moment. "Thank you, Anakin, and you are welcome to use my name." Glancing behind her at Luke, who was playing with a shuttle model and waiting to be formally introduced, she said, "May I ask a question?"
"Certainly."
"Are you and Luke family?"
"Why?"
"Because his name is Skywalker too."
There was a moment of tense silence and then Breha snapped her fingers.
"Leia Organa, watch your manners." Her tone was stern.
"Yes mom, but --"
"Mind your mother," Bail said softly and Leia nodded.
"It's okay," Anakin told them. "I don't mind the question." Poor kid, he thought, getting stuck with Skywalker as his middle name. Luke Skywalker Lars. Ugh. Couldn't they have chosen something more conventional? After all, they chose Luke for his first name. That was nice and conventional.
He glanced at Owen and Beru. Both, he remembered, had been attached to his mother. Was using Skywalker an attempt to honor her memory? Too bad Luke hadn't been a girl or they could have used Shmi. Less embarrassing for the poor kid. But, he supposed Skywalker had been some sort of compromise between them. He could see Beru wanting to use Shmi for a boy or girl. Luke Shmi Lars. No, that didn't flow well, did it?
Padmé caught his hand, squeezed it. Anakin only had a few seconds to wonder why he wasn't more distressed at thoughts of his mother before he was answering Leia's question.
"I guess you could say we're technically related. Owen is my...stepbrother."
The tone of the moment changed, relaxed and Anakin settled on the floor to enjoy the visit.
~~~~~~~~~~
Breha excused herself after an hour, claiming errands she had to run, but Padmé knew there were no errands. Breha needed to rest and regain her strength. Bail and Breha had been very frank with her as to their reasons for being on Coruscant most of the time recently. Breha was dying. She had a rare genetic illness that was slowly sapping her strength. She'd been sick for years, but undiagnosed until recently. Her illness was progressing faster now and soon, she'd be gone. A couple hours of activity exhausted her and most days she could not move from bed without someone helping her. Still, she never stopped trying. She was determined to be an example to Leia until the end.
Padmé respected that. She'd already made arrangements to keep Leia with her while Bail took Breha for treatment. At first, she'd hoped to have Leia back, but had quickly nixed the idea. Padmé was her birth mother and Anakin her father, true. However, Bail and Breha had raised her. They were her parents and while Padmé longed to have her children with her and Anakin, that could not happen.
She couldn't take Luke from Owen and Beru either, not when she knew that Beru couldn't have children and considered Luke her own. It had been Owen who'd insisted on an emotional distance, who told Luke that while his mother loved him, she was unable to care for him at present. It had been Owen who made sure Luke knew he had more than they somewhere in the galaxy and made him understand that sometimes, parents could not be with their children, so they gave them to those who would protect them and raise them well. Owen made sure Luke knew his heritage, at least on Padmé's side. She didn't know what he'd told Luke of Anakin.
Her plans changed. The children would remain where they were, but would receive visits regularly and grow knowing they were loved, that leaving them as babies had been a difficult, painful and wholly necessary decision at the time.
She left to make a tray of refreshments, Beru joining her. They worked in silence a long moment, placing glasses and a pitcher of juice on a tray, then arranging cookies and small cakes.
"I was scared to bring him, Padmé."
"I know." How could she have missed Beru's too pale face or the worried expression?
"So much could go wrong with this." Beru piled more cookies on the tray, then shrugged. "They're Luke's favorite. He'd eat a whole jar of them in one sitting if I let him. He doesn't get them often, though. Owen's not a cookie man. He prefers pies."
Padmé contemplated the cookies. While she didn't eat processed sweets often, preferring such sweets as fresh fruit, when she did indulge, she liked these cookies best. She too, could eat a jar of them. It was nice to know her son shared that preference, that they had something in common. "I'm not going to take him from you, Beru. I just want to know him and be a part of his life in some way. I know I can't raise him or Leia, it's too late for that. They're settled and it would be cruel to take them away."
The relief she saw on Beru's face reassured her that she was making the right decision. "Thank you." Beru blinked, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I thought you'd take him and we'd never see him again. Owen told me I was being silly, that you weren't the sort of woman to do that, butI worry."
On impulse, Padmé hugged her. "As far as he's concerned, you're his mother by action, if not title."
"I know."
They talked a little longer and when they took the tray out, both were surprised to find only Owen waiting.
~~~~~~~~~~
Leia's mind worked in devious little circles. Anakin watched her. As soon as her mother was gone, after insisting Leia choose snacks wisely the rest of the day, Leia was trying to convince Bail they needed to go out for ice cream. Bail wavered a bit, obviously remembering his wife's instructions, then agreed.
Leia smiled smugly, then glanced at Anakin. "Can Anakin come with us, Daddy? Please? I don't want to go if Anakin can't come."
He waited for Bail's refusal, but after a long look his direction, Bail nodded. The movement was stiff, as though he thought he should refuse. "If he'd like."
Leia tilted her head, again glancing his way. This time, her eyes found Luke. "Can Luke come with us?"
"Are we turning this little outing into a party, Leia?"
"Please, Daddy? I don't want to go if Luke can't go."
Anakin covered a smile with one hand and noticed Owen doing the same. Leia looked to have Bail wrapped firmly around her little finger. Although, now that he thought about it, many fathers were wrapped like that. Would he have been? Would he have caved in on anything if his daughter had smiled up at him and batted her little lashes the way Leia was doing?
Yes, he decided. In a second. For a moment, he let himself imagine such a moment. Somewhere in the galaxy, his and Padmé's daughter was being raised by a loving couple that treasured her as their own. Padmé had assured him of that. He hoped someday to be able to meet her, without the worry of Vader.
Swallowing hard past the lump in his throat, he decided he'd like to go with them for ice cream, if only to give himself more pleasant images to imagine and long for, images to replace the nightmares.
Owen promised to tell the women where they went and Anakin followed Bail, Luke and Leia out to the elevator. It was a surprise and a delight when both children took his hands.