The Long Road Back

Chapter Twenty-one: Instinct

~~~~~~~~~~

"Owen?" Padmé set the tray down. "Where is everyone?"

He looked up. "They went out for ice cream. I let Luke go with them."

"Anakin too?"

His nod was slow. "Him too."

Padmé sat down beside him. "Owen, I...." She shrugged, helpless to express her wonder in that. Owen sheltered Luke from much he'd deemed unsavory or wrong in the galaxy. For him to not only agree, but remain behind was an amazing feat of restraint on his part.

"You're wondering why? Luke trusts him. He's friendly with strangers, but won't usually go right to them. When he does, it's always turned out that we could trust that person with our lives, like he has this instinct that tells him who to trust, who is good...."

Beru knelt on the floor, her hands on his knees. After a moment, Owen covered her hands with his. "He trusts Anakin?"

Owen snorted. "Trusts? He took his hand and led him to the elevator. At last view, Leia was taking his hand as well." He turned his head. "Padmé , you're crying."

She wiped at her tears. Their children trusted him! And after a single meeting! Her joy in that made her emotional. She hadn't expected a connection so soon. She'd hoped, of course. "I know. It's just.... Anakin didn't want to know anything about them at first, but then he agreed to know a bit of one, not both, so I've been telling him about Leia. Should I have been telling him of Luke? Doesn't every man want a son? Wouldn't he have liked hearing of Luke?"

Beru shook her head. "He seems wistful when he looks at Leia. Besides, Leia, while young, is very aware there are matters she cannot discuss. Luke wears his heart on his sleeve. He doesn't keep secrets. The only reason he's not calling us Aunt and Uncle is because we're making a game of it. If he can refrain, there'll be a surprise at home."

"Some surprise," Owen said, shifting and removing his hands from Beru's. "Obi-Wan wants to begin training him to Jedi ways, though how he'll work that when he's here on Coruscant I don't know."

Padmé wondered herself, since Dormé had been talking of moving back to the cottage on Naboo. Of course, Naboo was closer to Tatooine than Coruscant was. Perhaps Ben meant to commute?

"Is that your wish, Padmé ? Do you want Luke trained?" Owen's gaze held a bit of cynicism, as though he thought it only a matter of time before a little bit of training turned into a full-blown Jedi lifestyle and that same removing of a child from loving arms that had hurt Anakin emotionally.

She could only answer with honesty. "I don't know. Ben hasn't mentioned it to me." When he did, she'd make sure he knew that Luke was to remain where he was. No taking him away for extended lengths of time. Padmé was fairly certain Ben didn't intend such a thing, but it never hurt to have the rules hammered out prior to negotiations.

They snacked on the juice and cookies and waited for Bail, Anakin and the children to return.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Do you like ships?"

Anakin swallowed the last of his ice cream and thought on how best to answer Luke's earnest question. The boy had brought his toy along, showing no hesitation about using his imagination to pretend that little model was in a battle. He made sound effects, swooped the model in arcs only a Jedi had reflexes to pull out of and was having such a good time by himself that Anakin wanted to join him. "Yes, I like ships. I've flown a few."

"I'm going to be a pilot someday." This was said matter-of-factly, as a foregone conclusion.

That statement was familiar. "Are you?"

"Farming is okay, but I want more."

A sharp sense of dejá -vu made Anakin dizzy. I want more. Those were dangerous words. He should know. How to answer that? "Well, it's okay to be ambitious, Luke, just know your limitations and motivations."

The boy looked at him, then rolled his eyes and shook his head with an endearing grin. "Grown-ups," he mumbled. "Farming is boring. It's the same thing all the time. I want to do more than that some day."

"I'm going to be a Senator," Leia said, leaning across the table to set the napkin holder, their silverware and the spice shakers in a line along the table, "Or a queen, like my mom." She frowned as she arranged the items, then added Luke's half-finished bowl of melting ice cream to it. "There. This is the swamp and this is an outpost and...." She gave Luke clear instructions on his 'mission'.

Anakin sat back, watching the two play. Leia already had a good grasp of military maneuvers. Somehow, he didn't doubt she'd be a senator or queen someday. He shared a smile with Bail Organa at how well the two played together. There was something about the two that instantly endeared him, made him feel somewhat protective of them. A connection, not to mention the growing sense he had.... Anakin briefly entertained notions of them as his and Padmé's, but that was ridiculous. Everyone knew that Breha Organa had hidden her pregnancy rather than face public scrutiny in case she miscarried. She'd had so many problems over the years. When she'd appeared with the baby Leia in her arms, the truth had come out. Not that she and her husband had said as much.

And anyway, Luke had Beru's blond hair. He wondered if Luke looked like Beru had as a child because he certainly couldn't see any of Owen in him. Neither child was his and Padmé's. Wouldn't he know? Although, he'd never known his children save while they were in Padmé's belly and that hadn't been very long. Not a proper sort of knowing.

Still, it was nice to imagine. Wishful thinking. Had his and Padmé's children turned out as well as these two? He knew he had a daughter, but what of the other child? Was it son or daughter? Were both well behaved? Did they know anything of their birth parents?

Later that night, when he and Padmé lay entwined on his bed -- it was her sneaking over in the middle of the night this time, even though sneaking wasn't necessary -- she asked him, "Did you like them, Ani?"

"Very much." He ran a hand through her long hair, let his fingers snag in the curls. "I met Leia before, when Vader was ascendant. She's a cutie." He sensed Padmé 's pleasure in that statement. She seemed to have taken to the two quickly and they to her. Maybe someday, he thought, we can have more children, and this time we'd keep them with us. I wouldn't look at other people's children and long for my own. I wouldn't imagine a connection that isn't there, couldn't be there. "I liked Luke too."

Padmé made a noise of pleasure and snuggled closer.

He debated whether or not to mention the next matter, but then what would it matter if he did? It wasn't as though he would follow through on it. "Padmé.... Do you know if there were any Jedi in the Organas families? And the Lars? I know you've talked with them all --"

She went very still, her hand curling on his chest. "Why?"

"Oh, just that the children. I sensed." He sighed. "Never mind. I'm probably imagining it."

"No, Ani, tell me."

"They have potential, Force potential. Both Luke and Leia. I thought I sensed it and there was a connection between us. I don't know, maybe I'm just imagining it. Is it possible?"

Padmé raised up and placed a kiss on his lips. "I'd say anything is possible."

She soon fell asleep, curled against him, yet Anakin remained awake, replaying the day in his mind. He wondered how many Force potential children were out there and thought on what ways a resurrected Jedi Order would have to differ from the old Order. In gradual degrees, he fell into sleep. His dreams were not pleasant.

-- Children screaming, tears wetting their faces and betrayal in their eyes. He had to do this. He'd been commanded, but was it right? They were only babies still. He had been that young once and as trusting. A smooth voice replying that not only was it right, it was just. Kill the children before they are fully trained to kill you. Strike them down, cripple the Jedi traitors. How do you win a war? You kill all the enemy. Do it.

He couldn't do it; couldn't slash.... They were only babies.

His arm raising, legs moving forward. Relax, the voice came again. Let me take care of this, Anakin. Let me help you with this burden.

Anakin relaxing, grateful for the lessening of those troublesome emotions, letting himself slide backwards. Numbness was best. He could do his commanded job with blessed numbness encasing him. However, his movements do not feel quite his own. He's detached from what is happening.

Then the rooms on Mustafar. Him doing what he thinks is right and is ultimately wrong. The tears that come when he realizes he is not the one moving his limbs....

Not the one in control....

Not....

Let me bear your burden, Anakin. You know I can take it. --

Anakin woke screaming, thrashing about. It took long moments for the terror to pass and only then did he see his wife crouched on the floor beside the bed, her eyes wide and fear on her face. The fear echoed his dream and Anakin wept, gathering the sheets to him. He was cold, shaking and sweating. A sick sensation settled in his belly.

"Anakin?" With the sort of caution she would display in front of a large predator, Padmé climbed back onto the bed and to him. Her hands were gentle, drawing him to her and holding him close. "Ani, what's wrong?"

He grabbed at her, enfolded her in his arms and pressed his face against her neck. "I let him, Padmé . I let him kill the children. I sat there and watched him like I was watching a holovid! I sat inside my head and let him do it because I thought the end result would be one thing. I...." He squeezed his eyes shut. "I didn't want to see their faces, to know I was really doing what Palpatine ordered. I killed them. You win a war by killing the enemy and that's what I thought I was doing."

She rocked him, made soothing noises. Anakin inhaled the scent of her perfume, his tears wetting her skin.

"I let it happen. I could have stopped it, but I didn't. I... I retreated, handed over my body to his control. It wasn't full at first, you understand. He only had partial control, but then it only got worse and I couldn't...deal...with the pain. All of those terrified children. Innocent faces, eyes pleading for mercy. " Opening his eyes, he looked at her. "I thought Vader was back just now. I was afraid I'd wake and he'd be taunting me, hurting you --"

Her fingertips fluttered at his lips. "Hush. Hush. Where's your medication?"

With a shaking voice, he told her, then closed his eyes and waited. He heard the rustle of cloth, then her moving and her voice, talking to Sonas, and finally felt her hand on his shoulder.

"Come on," she said, giving him a pill to swallow. "He'll see you immediately."

Shaken, Anakin dressed and let Padmé take him to Sonas' office.

~~~~~~~~~~

They made a breakthrough, the first full step towards reconnection of Anakin and Vader into one. It was the memory of the children that bothered him and the meeting of Luke and Leia that focused his will. Anakin was determined to deal with the memory in order to be around the children. He told Sonas that the two were children of Padmé's friends and that he didn't want to have to worry about more nightmares, or worry that Vader would hurt the children in some way.

Sonas knew who they really were. He didn't completely approve of Padmé arranging to have both children there at the same time. He'd thought first one and then the other later, but she'd gambled that Anakin could handle the meeting of both at once, even if he hadn't known their real identities. She'd been right. He had handled it and his mind had used the meeting to force him to begin facing those memories.

He progressed well in it, coming to grips with the actions taken and the deaths he'd caused. He was progressing well in most areas save that of his mother. There was still resistance in facing her death and his self-imposed promises to her as a child. Sonas was pleased. This process was moving right along and if Anakin didn't push himself too hard....

Sonas reviewed his session notes. That was a real danger. Each breakthrough gave him confidence and Obi-Wan had been given to wondering in private sessions if Anakin would reemerge from the process a teenager, ready to pick up his life right where he'd really begun splintering into two. The reason? Obi-Wan insisted that Anakin's maturity level had decreased.

It hadn't in reality. It was only relief at good progress that made Anakin giddy, willing to relax. Sonas told him he could meet with Padmé's family if he felt up to it.

Bending his head, he finished his outline of the next steps in treatment.

~~~~~~~~~~

Obi-Wan liked these outings he, Dormé and Don-Al took about Coruscant. Anything to avoid having to fly anywhere. He'd gladly acquiesced to staying on Coruscant awhile longer. Anakin teased him about his reluctance to fly, but hadn't he earned a reprieve?

He lifted Don-Al from his carrier and cradled him. At nearly five months, the boy was remarkable in every way. Or so was the opinion of his naturally biased parents. Obi-Wan smiled. Every parent felt the same about their child and he recognized the feeling as the same one a Master had for his Padawan.

"If it isn't Obi-Wan Kenobi. Well, hello there."

The voice sent him into the past, bringing forth memories of the stolen moments they'd shared whenever their duties had allowed. He sat up straighter. She was amused, which he hoped was a good sign given their history, but for the life of him he couldn't remember anything of her mannerisms. Did the slightly raised brow indicate true amusement or was sarcasm or disdain about to appear? He knew with Dormé....

"Hello Sabé . How have you been?"

Her gaze fell to Don-Al, her polite smile lingering. "As well as can be expected, I suppose."

Which was about as non an answer as she could have given. Obi-Wan turned his son so that she could see him better. "This is my son, Don-Al. He'll be five months in a week."

Sabé slid into the seat Dormé had left, her eyes narrowing a little. "Yes. He's a beautiful boy. So tell me," her smile widened, "how is your...wife?"

Oh yes.... The brow meant disdain, sarcasm, and all sorts of ill-humor moods. He struggled to maintain a mild expression. "Dormé is well."

She nodded, turning the conversation to various news subjects, including the Senate dealings and the inane controversies currently in the public eye. Her manner was stilted and chilly. He'd hurt her more long ago than he'd thought. Obi-Wan glanced about the café , hoping to see his wife on her way back. As always in awkward encounters however, she was nowhere in sight. He had to press on in the conversation.

Abruptly, Sabé stopped talking. She bit her lip, as though trying to come to a decision in her mind over some matter. Her mouth opened twice before she sighed. He sensed great indecision in her. "Is... Will you be...both of you, that is...at the parade on Naboo?"

"Possibly. We're attending the gala on Alderaan. The princess has invited us herself and Senator Organa mentioned that Leia is hoping we'll stay a few days. I don't think the draw is myself or Dormé though. She likes to hold Don-Al."

"I've never had the pleasure of meeting Leia. She seems a charming girl from pictures."

"She is. She visits Padmé frequently."

"Yes." Sabé bit her lip again, her glance moving restlessly about them. "Is Padmé giving lessons in the art of being a young queen? The Princess would be wise to listen if that's the case. Naboo still misses Padmé 's leadership. Some were rather put out that she refused a position after the fall of the Empire."

He hadn't been aware of that. Politics had been Padmé 's life once upon a time. Had her priorities changed? He rocked Don-Al a little. Priorities do over time, he thought. Look at him. "I believe they've simply struck up a friendship."

There was a tiny frown between her eyes, tugging her brow downward. "I see." Once more she glanced about them. "Is Padmé...." Another sigh. She swallowed hard, lifted her chin a fraction and spoke softly. "I hadn't meant to stop, you know. But I had to. You know about Padmé and her child."

He leaned a bit closer. "Yes?"

"I don't know what happened when she went into hiding, but I do know that Princess Leia is very close to the age Padmé 's child would have been." She flushed, yet pressed on. "I'm worried she might try and use the girl as a daughter substitute."

Stretching out a hand, he took one of her hands. "The situation is under control." Let her take that as she wished.

Sabé gripped his hand back and smiled, this time a genuine stretching of her lips. "Good! I heard of their meetings through my friends at the Alderaan branch of the Handmaiden Guild. Handmaidens know everything you know, and I started to worry. A handmaiden never really retires, but I suppose you already know that? Will you tell Padmé...." She released his hand and stood, leaving her request unspoken.

"She will be pleased you thought of her."

"Thank you." Tilting her head, she regarded him sadly. "Your wife is a lucky woman." With that, she hurried away.

Obi-Wan was left feeling a bit better about their past. A few moments after Sabé had left, Dormé returned to the table. She sat in the chair, cloak held primly about her. Uh-oh. Something was wrong. Normally, she was all warmth and now she was as chilly as he'd perceived Sabé to be. "Dormé ? What's wrong?"

She rearranged the utensils, then folded her napkin three different ways. "Nothing." Her voice was clipped, with the quivering of emotion about the edges.

"All right. Well, you just missed a former colleague --"

"I saw." Again the controlled voice. This time, she compressed her lips so tightly that they were little more than a thin line.

"Oh." It took seconds to grasp what she was thinking. "Dormé , you can't think that --"

"Don't tell me what I can think!" Sniffing, she reached for Don-Al and began the long process of strapping him in to his carrier. He seemed to pick up on her mood, his cries bringing glares from patrons at surrounding tables.

"My love--"

"Hah," she scoffed.

And they were off, heading down the path of irrational argument all the way from the establishment, into the street and up in to Padmé 's apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~

The wait for the refresher was interminable. Dormé emerged from the room and began to weave her way back through the tables. Looking up, she paused. Someone was at the table with Ben. Was it...? She frowned. Blast it! Her husband was talking to Sabé . Of all the times for a former girlfriend to show up! A twinge of uncertainty echoed up and down her body. Slim Sabé who looked cool and elegant in a green dress that showed off her slender figure.

I was that slim once, she thought, glancing down at herself. Hardly slim and elegant now, wearing a rumpled, figure-hiding dress that had spit-up on one shoulder and a cloak that was equally as concealing. She'd twisted her hair up, but as a mark to her hasty ablutions as Don-Al had cried non-stop, tendrils had escaped and more was hanging down her back and shoulders than was actually up.

Self-consciously, she sucked in her stomach tighter and dragged her cloak tighter about her. She watched Ben take Sabé 's hand and lean closer. Jealousy and dismay warred in her head. Sabé smiled and stood, then hurried away. Why hurry, she wondered? Was she afraid of being seen? A million thoughts ran through her mind, the rational part of her mind telling her that she was blowing things all out of proportion. However, emotions welled up and she couldn't stop them.

Dormé wasn't sure why she couldn't just ask him about it. She felt hurt and betrayed and sad and...not herself. All through their arguing, she knew she should listen to him. Did she? No. All she really wanted to do was cry.

So she did, until he left the apartment, claiming he was going to take a walk to calm down. She cried some more and Padmé , who'd made herself scarce during the heated exchange, ventured out as a shoulder to cry on.

Padmé let her cry and talk and finally, when her tears dried up, had a bit of advice.

~~~~~~~~~~

Carefully, Padmé sat beside her friend. Dormé had been crying a lot lately, but how to get to the subject? "Have you considered that he could be right about you overreacting?"

"No," was her stubborn reply. "You didn't see them, Padmé . She's so tiny and I'm so --"

"Stop right there. You just had a baby. Give yourself a chance to recover before claiming you're fat. It took months for your body to get where it's at and it'll take months to reclaim your old shape."

Not to mention that Dormé had been thoroughly enjoying being a beloved wife and mother, throwing strict diet and anything but genteel exercise to the wind. She had yet to seriously set herself to getting back into shape.

"You didn't," she pointed out, wiping her eyes.

"I was also mourning. If you'll remember, you threatened to hold me down and force-feed me on more than one occasion because I wasn't eating at all." That was an uncomfortable memory too. Padmé remembered Dormé standing over her with a plate of food and a determined expression. That particular battle of wills had always ended in Dormé 's favor.

Dormé was silent a moment. "He romanced her years ago."

He'd been quite the charmer, too, from what she'd heard. Of course, at the time, she'd dismissed the stories as simple rumors. A proper Jedi behaving in such a manner? Never! How naïve she'd been in those thoughts, as she'd later found out! Sometimes she wondered why Sabé had kept him such a close secret, never acknowledging the rumors as true or false. She'd merely smiled and shaken her head as though amused. Had she wanted something all her own, apart from Padmé and the other Handmaidens? Padmé had unknowingly followed her friend's footsteps, but where Sabé 's had turned away, her own had continued onward. "And you're the one he married; the one he had a baby with. Consider that it was also for you that he went against the Jedi code."

"There were no more Jedi for it to matter."

Silly wonderings, Padmé decided. Besides, didn't I hear that she was getting married soon? Who was it told me that? Eirtaé maybe? "The code is still a part of him. It's still there and unchanged from what it was. He broke that vow for you, no matter how you rationalize it. He didn't do it for her. Ben left her rather than choose, but for you, he chose. He made a decision and freely admits it, introducing you to everyone as his wife."

Padmé watched her soak all that in and waited. Slowly, she saw a faint smile appear.

"So, what you're saying is that it's stupid to be jealous of an old flame?"

"Yes. She's the past. You, my friend, are the present and future. Ben loves you deeply and it's something that can't be missed. Even the blind could see it. Why, I bet Sabé wonders what it is like to be you."

It was amusing that she was filling the role Dormé once had, that of confidante, of soother of troubled nerves.

"You have a point."

"Just one?"

Her tone elicited a soft giggle from Dormé . "Okay, several. So what do I do?"

Now to the meat of the matter. "First, you have your hormone levels checked. I've never seen you so quick to cry. Then, you start up with diet and exercise. Work on your hobbies. Ease back into being yourself again, not just wife and mother."

Soon, they had her next moves mapped out.