Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains

Chapter 6

~~~~~~~~~~

Why fight it? Why fight me? You know there will be pleasure simply from the lessening of the pain.

~~~~~~~~~~

While talking to Sally had been the idea, Kara couldn’t make herself begin once they were seated. Instead, she put the moment off, sipping a cup of too bitter coffee and finding herself intensely curious as to what was in the bottle Sally had drawn out of her pocket and was rolling around her hands. Anything to avoid talking and she vaguely remembered seeing Sally take pills before, usually right before their sessions began. Kara knew very well that her curiosity was a diversionary tactic to keep from the task at hand and she let herself fall into it whole-heartedly. Finally, Sally popped the cap, shook a pill out into her palm and took it with an almost nervous demeanor. When finished, she put the cap on it and retuned it to her pocket.

“Medication,” Kara asked.

Sally looked to her left and nodded. “Yes.” She sighed and smiled. “Whenever you’re ready.”

“Right. Sure.” Another sip of coffee. “How did you decide on your career? Did you always know what you wanted to be?”

The smile faded and Kara was intrigued by the glimpse of pain in Sally’s eyes. “We’re here to talk about you, not me.” Her voice was tight, tense.

“Me, right. Yeah. How long have you been in this line of work?”

Sally blinked, then sat back in her chair. Her eyes narrowed. “Are you interrogating me?”

Kara watched her a moment, then shrugged. “Not the tone I meant to give. I can’t be curious about you, Sally? I mean, here we are, you’re asking me to bear my soul and I don’t know the first thing about you.”

“I’d rather not talk about me when we’re in session.” She drank her glass of water in several gulps, setting the glass back down with a hard thump.

“We’re not technically in session. This is informal. Casual.”

She licked her lips, fingers raising to wipe at the corners of her mouth. “Are you ready to talk, Captain?”

She shrugged again. No, she wasn’t ready to talk. “Thought I was. Guess I’m not.”

Sally nodded and though it looked as though she tried to keep irritation from rising, there was a flash of it in her gaze. “Well, you did take an important step whether or not you can begin talking about what occurred. It’s encouraging. However, if you don’t think you can talk to me right now, I do need rest. I am happy to talk with you any time, but by talk I mean we talk about you, not me.”

Kara didn’t stop her from going. Sally’s reaction to those few casual questions intrigued her as much as that glimmer of pain. She had touched a nerve and Sally was apparently still fighting her own demons. The thought that a professional could have the sort of baggage Kara herself carried made her doubt the effectiveness of therapy. Shouldn’t a professional be free of emotional pains? She finished her coffee, then took the cup to be washed and returned to her bunk to snag some well-needed rest. Sleep sucked her under as soon as she closed her eyes.

Her routine changed. The next morning she woke with more energy than she’d had in a long time. It was amazing what a good night’s sleep could do for a person, she decided, and headed out for a jog before she had to go on duty. The world seemed clearer around her, the edges of everything more defined. The hazy cocoon of fog around her was lifting. She smiled to herself, a barely there lifting of the corners of her mouth. She’d almost forgotten what clarity was like. Kara began slowly, easing into the jog, finding the rhythm. Her feet slapped on the floor and she concentrated on the sound and feel of her breaths, the movement of her legs and the beating of her heart. Heartbeat too fast, take it down a notch. She pushed herself to finish a short circuit, shaking her head to realize that she was somewhat out of shape.

Another mark of Leoben. Some days she thought he had put too many marks on her to even count. Her daily runs had been stopped under his care and the only exercise she’d had were the calisthenics she could do in quick bursts and, of course, fighting him during his attacks. Her endurance had dwindled over the months and was now a fraction of what it had been. That was going to have to change. She couldn’t allow herself to be weak.

She let her mind partially blank during the jogs, not thinking of the past or the future. There was only the present, only right then. Kara was in the moment.

After her jog, she would shower, breakfast and report for duty. Since she couldn’t be out flying, she poured over videos of the pilots in training missions, re-familiarizing herself with the strengths and weaknesses of those she worked with, readying herself for the day she would be back in the cockpit. She told Lee exactly what she thought of each one when he asked and when he didn’t, pointing out sloppiness that could get any of them killed. They argued over her observations, usually in heated tones that had people stopping to see if they were going to end up in a fistfight. Half the time they slid into personal insults, each knowing just what to say to really hurt the other.

Kara wondered if there was any fixing their friendship. She missed him.

She was present when Sharon got a callsign, noting the happiness on Sharon’s face and the reactions of the other pilots to her. They honored Sharon with the chosen callsign. ‘Athena’. She was a Cylon, but she was their Cylon. She was family and she fought for them. Some wore their trust on their faces and others wore their distrust. Colonel Tigh had snorted with obvious disgust, bitterness treading along the lines of his face as he drank down his shot, slammed the glass onto the table, and left without finishing their card game. Kara recognized a pain of the same magnitude as hers brimming in the man. They had both been marked heavily by the Cylon occupation and sometimes she wondered how Tigh had escaped mandatory counseling, while she had become mired in it. No one seemed to care if Tigh was drinking himself to death, just letting him go to it. He spent most of his free hours in a haze of alcohol and bitterness.

Although, her cynical side sneered, how is that different than the Tigh we all knew and loved before the occupation?

No one ordered him to counseling, at least that she was aware of. Or had he been ordered and refused? Kara didn’t know and didn’t ask. It wasn’t as though he’d tell her anyway.

Kara lunched with Sally, a change in their session time since Sally now saw civilians as well as enlisted. She still couldn’t bring herself to talk and so had to sit while Sally started her spiel all over again, returning to the list of PTSD symptoms and therapies available. How many of those fancy classes and services were really available or merely an ideal that Sally and male colleague presented? Kara didn’t ask since she didn’t plan on attending any classes. She watched Sally and as the nights without nightmares passed, leaving her refreshed from sleep instead of exhausted further, Kara became more aware that something about Sally bothered her. It was like a scab she kept picking at.

It wasn’t one single thing. Yes, the too bright smile irritated her, as did the caring expression she’d finally noticed that Sally could turn on and off when she needed it. There was her manner, that sense of eagerness in the woman’s voice when Sally urged her to talk about what had happened on New Caprica. Sally had heard the rumors spreading since Kara’s reaction in sickbay and her manner had changed subtly, almost as though….

Kara drank her water and watched Sally take yet another of those damn pills she kept on her at all times. How many pills was it in just this half hour? Two? What the frak were they and why was she taking so many of them? What sort of medication had that kind of directions? She took another bite and chewed slowly. Sally was behaving as though the two of them had a lot in common. As though she really did know what Kara was feeling.

Rather than comfort, it was making her uneasy. Kara felt like Sally was latching on to her more with each session and she hated it.

“You know,” she said, interrupting another recounting of the importance of a support system, “I’ve been wondering how a successful therapist can stay sane with all of the things he or she hears all day, because you’re not only dealing with your own issues, but also the issues of…what?…twenty or thirty others rattling around your head?”

“More. At least right now we have more.”

She took another drink of water and asked as casually as possible, “Do you have issues, Sally?”

Sally’s hand dipped into her pocket. Kara knew that by the rattle of the pills in that bottle. “You’re grilling me again, Captain. You’ve been doing that every day now.” The bottle came out, her fingers toying with it. “We all have issues. Some are…bigger than others.” Her fingers squeezed, the cap flying off, pills scattering across the tabletop. “Frak!” She scrambled to reach for them and return them all to the bottle.

Kara watched one pill roll off the edge of the table. Sally was looking the other way, trying to keep pills from rolling off the other side. Stretching out a hand, Kara stopped the progress of a few of the pills and shoved them towards the pile Sally had amassed. She made sure Sally saw her dust off her hands. Look, no pills.

“Excuse my slip of the tongue,” Sally said, scooping up the last of the pills and placing the lid back on the bottle. “Thought I had the lid on tight.”

“I’ve said worse.”

“So have I, but never while working,” was her dry reply.

“I’ve said a lot worse while working.” Sometimes frequently and not always out loud.

There was a pause before, “I’m sure you have, Captain. Well, since you’re not wanting to talk about you yet, and I’m not going to enlighten you about me, we should finish tomorrow.” Sally stood before Kara could reply. “If you’ll excuse me.” She hurriedly gathered her papers, her tray, and left.

When Sally’s footfalls had faded, Kara glanced behind her, then leaned over and snatched the single white pill up off the floor. She studied it. It was just a pill, small and unmarked. It didn’t look like any of the drugs they’d been on the lookout for, but anything a person popped like candy couldn’t be good for them. Sally had claimed them to be medication. Kara didn’t believe her. She wondered if Sally had access to drugs most people didn’t. She was a doctor, right?

Kara went to sickbay, skirting the line of civilians waiting and finding Cottle busy with paperwork. He made a snorting noise when she approached, his attention fixed on the papers he was working on.

“I said ten minutes, are you deaf?” He glanced up, his expression darkening when he saw her. “Not you again. Get it through your thick skull that you’re not pregnant. I don’t have time --”

Kara held out the pill. “Can you tell me what this is?”

His glance flicked to the pill and back to her face. “It’s a pill.”

“Thanks. Got that part. I know someone who’s practically eating these and I’d like to know what two or three of these in a half hour can do to a person. Is it a normal dosage or is this person going to be a problem?”

Cottle set down his pen and reached for the pill. “A pilot?”

“No, but someone I suspect should know better.” At least he wasn’t throwing her out.

“Not a pilot,” he repeated, glance narrowing and head tilting.

“No.”

“Someone you see regularly enough to know they’re taking that many in such a short period of time and someone who should know better.”

Kara didn’t nod or reply.

He set the pill down and lit a cigarette. Smoke drifted up from the tip. “Hmm. Come back later.”

Despite hurrying back to duty, she was ten minutes late, walking into what appeared to be chaos. The smell of scorched metal and melted plastic made her nostrils twitch. Smoke made the large room hazy and the deck crew hurried back and forth. What had happened? They’d begun a training exercise well before she’d left, Lee waving her away with an order to take lunch while she could. Since the exercise had been going well, she hadn’t argued that once.

Lee was now in a temper, his placid mood changed, striding right to her when he saw her. “You’re late,” he snapped.

“Ten minutes.” She saw Chief Tyrol approaching behind Lee, his arms crossed and jaw tight. He gave a shake of his head when she caught his eye in mute question. Kara returned her regard to Lee and found him glaring at her. “What’s going on?”

“If you can’t be on time, then don’t bother coming back.” Anger blazed in his eyes. “Where were you?”

“I was in sickbay,” Kara explained, putting her hands on her hips. “What happened?”

“Sickbay?” His brows raised, gaze dragging down her and back up. “What… you think you’re pregnant again? Had to make an emergency trip?” Sarcasm wrapped about the words and he continued. “No, I know….the stress of paperwork is sending you crying to Cottle now. Aren’t you getting enough medical attention already with that shrink? Well, do you think you can get off your pity party long enough to be here on time for once? Frak, the time you’re spending in sickbay lately, why don’t you just live there? It’ll make it easier to ignore your job, which is, as you might remember, right frakking here!”

If he was trying to piss her off as well, he had a good start. She shook her head, trying to keep her temper reigned in. It wouldn’t do any good to deck him, so she turned the sarcasm back to him. “No, I had so much fun the last time I was there, I thought I’d go back for giggles. Cottle’s a real fun guy. What the frak is your problem? I don’t have to tell you why I went there, not to mention that the last I heard, it was still acceptable to go to sickbay.” She motioned a hand towards the damaged ships. “Tell me what happened here already.”

Chief Tyrol stepped closer until Lee finally looked at him, impatience in his voice. “What? What, Chief, what?”

“We need to--”

“Fix the ships, Chief. You need to fix the ships. I don’t care how you do it, just get it done,” Lee interrupted, talking over what the Chief was trying to say, his hand curving around Kara’s arm and pulling her with him in the other direction. She had the impression they’d been arguing.

“What happened,” Kara asked, glancing over her shoulder and tugging her arm free from his grip. People they passed quickly made themselves busy in another direction. “I was only gone an hour.” She thought she could pretty easily guess what had happened without an explanation. The sorry state of two vipers told a definite story.

“I don’t care how you do it ,” he started, voice going lower then progressively louder as he spoke, “but get your ass back here. Talk to the shrink or whatever the hell she is and get yourself released because these frakkers can’t seem to get their shit together without us both riding their asses!”

“Their incompetence is my fault because I’m not out there with them?” Kara crossed her arms. “Are you listening to yourself here?”

“Yes!” Lee blinked several times, licked his lips and shook his head. “No. Yes. Frak!” He rubbed his temples. “I don’t like this. It’s all gone to hell. We’re making simple mistakes. It’s just…sloppiness.” He hissed the last word and Kara nodded. She’d been right. Mistakes had been made that should have been remedied ahead of time. He wasn’t mad at her, but at himself. “We’re going to be frakked beyond belief if this keeps up and the toasters find us while we’re floundering about picking our noses.”

“Do you need a time-out?”

“You’re hilarious.” He ran a hand through his hair, glanced towards the crew. “I mean that.”

“Actually, Lee,” she pushed her tongue against her cheek, “I was serious about that one.”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, his anger deflating into weariness. “I mean it, Kara. Get back here. I need you out there. We need you out there.”

She snorted. “You think I’m dragging my heels? I’d rather be out there than doing paperwork for eight hours at a time.”

“I’d rather you weren’t doing paperwork, too,” he drawled.

“Are you implying, Major, that my skills at writing reports are lacking?”

“I never said that.”

“Sounded like it.” She slipped her hands into her pockets and tilted her head.

“You’re imagining things, Starbuck. Reports are reports and those you’ve turned in have been…” He began to saunter away. “…adequate.”

“Adequate?”

“Perfectly adequate.”

“What’s that supposed to mean,” she called after him.

“You know…adequate.” And then he was in conversation with Hotdog and Kat.

It hit her hours later that their exchange had ended in an almost normal manner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sally was popping anti-depressants. Kara wondered if Cottle had figured out who she’d gotten the pill from. He had sent her a simple, terse message about the pill she’d given him -- what it was and no other detail. He hadn’t told her if the dosage Sally took was a problem or not and she assumed he’d deal with it. Of course, he could only deal if he knew about Sally.

“How many more mandatory sessions are there,” she asked when Sally fell into silence.

“Well, the set amount decided upon in your case was twelve weeks. Long enough to show us if coping was even going to--”

“Twelve weeks is a long time to have daily sessions.”

Sally didn’t look at her. Her answer was a long time coming. “Oh, I never said the sessions were daily. That was your decision, Captain.”

What? When had she decided that? She didn’t remember having a choice in the matter. “Excuse me? My decision?” Kara leaned forward, arms crossing on the table.

“You were the one who came back everyday.” Sally’s expression shifted, the tiniest glimmer of smugness in her gaze. “You knew you needed help and you chose that route.”

Anger thrummed through her body, shooting from nonexistence to boiling in seconds. Sally had lied to her, a lie of omission. She’d left out that little detail. Who did this manipulating bitch think she was? “I came back because I thought I had to every day. You implied I had to and never said one word about the frequency. How many of these damn sessions do we have left?”

“I can recommend --”

“I don’t give a gods-damn flying frak what you recommend, Sally. How many sessions?” She enunciated the words clearly, so there was no way Sally could misunderstand what she was asking.

A dull flush spread along Sally’s cheekbones. “I understand that you’re upset --”

“No, I don’t think you do understand just how much you have pissed me off!”

“If I had told you two sessions a week for twelve weeks, where would you be?” She hurried to speak, the words sliding together in a jumble. “You’d still be denying anything is wrong. You wouldn’t have taken an active step towards resolution --”

“Tell me how many.” Kara gritted the words out. She had her teeth ground together so tightly that her jaw was already beginning to ache. Her hands clenched into fists.

“As many as it takes. I don’t have to clear you at the end and I won’t if I don’t think you’re ready. I am here to help you in any way I can.”

“Even lying to me? You’re a real piece of work, Sally. You lie to all of your patients?” Kara dragged her sweatshirt on and zipped it up.

“I never lied to you! I simply let you decide how fast you went through the twelve weeks worth of sessions. Your mandatory treatment. You were motivated. You didn’t want to spend your life in the pain he left you in. So much pain and you thought he’d never stop. Every day you waited for what you knew would come. Thoughts of killing him got you though the day and when he was gone, you thought it would help, but all it did was put him in your head….” She gasped for breath, struggled to compose herself. “You made a decision and now you’re upset with me because…I didn’t slow down the healing momentum you built up?” Tears slipped down her face.

Kara shook her head over and over. Though Sally’s words could easily apply to Kara, she knew that Sally had begun speaking about herself. She spoke of her own pain, her own treatment and ultimately, her own ‘he’. “You lied. It’s as simple as that.” This woman is nuts, she thought. She can’t help anyone, not even herself. Pity shot through her. Sally was falling apart. How long had it taken for her to come to this point? Her own determination tripled. There was no way she wanted to ever be like Sally.

“It was for your own good.”

Shoving her chair back, Kara stood, placing her hands flat on the tabletop and leaning down into Sally’s face. “For my own good? You don’t know me. How can you presume to judge what is best for me?” She snorted so hard she hurt her throat. “‘For my own good.’ Leoben told me that, too. ‘It’s for your own good, Kara.’ ‘I’m only trying to help you.’ ‘I only want to make you see.’” Kara leaned in so close that Sally jerked backwards and nearly tipped over her chair. “Nice. You like being compared to a Cylon, Sally?”

Sally flinched.

Kara stood straight. “I’m done with your sessions. I won’t come back.”

“I could recommend you stay grounded.”

“Don’t start a pissing match with me, because you will lose every time.” Turning, she left. Hell would freeze before she went back for another session with Sally and if she was confronted about it, she’d spell out her reasons quite clearly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kara had found that the best time to hit the gym was early in the morning, or during the dinner hour. Her morning workouts began with a jog, then alternated between the different machines. She drove herself, imagining she could feel the strength rolling through her body with each rep. Sometimes Helo popped in long enough to request that she join him later in the day to spar and sometimes, after Sharon was christened Athena, Sharon would come in with Racetrack. That amused Kara, considering the comments Racetrack had made once. Now the two seemed to be friends.

She was trying to fix Sharon’s call sign in her mind, to obliterate every other name that went with the face and keep their interactions from being mired in the past, but it was a daily task. She still thought of Sharon as Sharon.

Three days passed since her last session with Sally and while she had not been reprimanded yet, Kara knew that there would be fallout eventually. She couldn’t expect to walk away from mandatory sessions without consequences, could she? A state of anticipation began to grow inside her. When would that shoe fall? Anytime she saw Adama walking her way, she thought he’d say something, but he didn’t. No one did. Nor did Cottle or that male colleague of Sally’s. They all left her alone on the matter.

Kara entered the gym, surprised to see Cally waiting and looking as though she was waiting just for her. Kara watched her for a minute, noting the half-hearted attempt at one machine and the glances Cally gave her. She shook her head and began her own workout. It was a good ten minutes before Cally cleared her throat.

“Can I ask you something,” Cally said, letting go of the handle on her weights too quickly. The weights slammed down and she yelped in surprise. A sheepish expression crossed her face. “Sorry.”

“Go ahead.” Kara did bicep curls, carefully checking her form to get optimum results.

“Do you ever…. I mean… It’s just….” She made a noise of frustration. “I had this all planned in my head and I’m messing it up.” The last bit was said under her breath as she wiped her hands on her thighs.

“Cally.” Kara stopped and set the weight down. “Spit it out.”

Her eyes widened. “Okay. I need a workout buddy. Someone to call me on it if I miss a workout, you know?” She looked as though she was afraid Kara would hit her at any moment.

“Yeah, I know what a workout buddy is.”

“Would you….” She shrugged. “Between Nick, Galen and work….” Cally sighed. “I know you can kick my ass about it.”

Kara frowned, then shook her head. “You want me to kick your ass? I’m not a personal trainer, Cally.”

“I know.” She pointed to the weights next to Kara. “You know what you’re doing, though.”

“Why not ask Chief to help you?” Again, she picked up the weight.

Cally laughed. “You’re kidding, right?”

Kara’s brows raised. She wasn’t and couldn’t figure out why Cally laughed at the idea. Personally, she had enjoyed working out with Sam. “Kidding,” she repeated. “Right.” Why her though? Didn’t Cally know about fifty other people she could ask? “I’m coming in early tomorrow.” That would deter her, right?

“I have a baby. I can do early,” Cally replied, looking as though she’d accomplished a task she’d thought impossible.

Shrugging, she shook her head. “It’s your time, Cally. It’s gonna be hard work.”

They made final plans. Cally watched Kara workout for awhile, then left with a promise to be there bright and early the next morning. Had she ever been even remotely like Cally? With four more reps, she decided she was done and headed back for a shower before it was duty time.

Kara set out her clothes and was soon in the shower, relaxing under the spray. She took a deep breath, bending her head and wetting her hair. A scent drifted to her in the stall. It was musky with a bit of spice to it. Dread raced across her flesh, the hairs on her arms raising. She turned, looking out into the room, and saw Leoben.

She was in the apartment bathroom, trying to take a shower and ignore how he had walked right in. She’d thought he wouldn’t cross that line. Why would he? He claimed to love her and didn’t that mean he’d give her some privacy sometimes? Kara blinked. He finished putting on cologne and glanced over at her. He smiled and came to her.

Kara fell in to the memory.

~~~~~~~~~~

Where was Leoben? Was he waiting for her outside? Kara drew her knees in tighter to her chest, her tears mingling with the water from the shower. She tipped her head back, let the water wash them away. If only her soul could be washed as easily as her body.

Voices intruded into her solitude, whispers of friends, echoes of the past. They weren’t real. Were they?

…long has she been like this…

…hours? Not sure when she came in here….

…who found her?…

…Racetrack…

They aren’t real, Kara thought. They can’t be real. They’re just thoughts of Galactica peeking through the bars of Leoben’s prison for me. There’s no escape, none, none at all. Frak, someone help me!

…she hit you…

…thought she was sleepwalking. I tried to wake her…

That was Lee’s voice, wasn’t it?

…not sleepwalking…need something to…her hand…ground her in the present…

Kara blinked, more tears slipping free. She needed to pull herself together, to show that bastard he hadn’t affected her. He hadn’t broken her, wouldn’t no matter what he did. She wasn’t going to do what he wanted, be what he wanted. Be strong, she told herself.

The voices continued, like a recording running through her mind of a conversation she didn’t remember ever hearing before.

…the frak do you know? Who made you an authority on…

That was Lee again, so close that he seemed real, but he couldn’t be there with her. Galactica and the Pegasus had gone and they were all left behind. Lee wouldn’t concern himself with her. Not anymore. Not when he hated her. It had to be an auditory hallucination and nothing more.

…trust me. We have to…Kara…hand…

I’m going crazy, she thought. Leoben has driven me over the edge. I’m hearing Sharon in my head.

…hand…hand…hold out…

She squinted. What was that about her hand? And why was the light suddenly so much brighter than it had been?

…it’s Sharon. I’m here like before. I won’t leave. Hold out your hand for me…

Her hand. That’s what Sharon was talking about. She laughed. Humor the voice and make it go away. Kara held out her hand, felt something placed in her palm. For a second, she thought she saw Sharon and Lee in front of her and then they were gone, faded like the ghosts they were. The object, however, remained. She squeezed it, trying to ascertain whether or not it was real.

…go the frak elsewhere…Occupied, okay?…

That was Racetrack’s voice, farther away than Lee and Sharon’s, yet still there with her. Kara rolled the object in her palm, wondering what Leoben would do to find her having a nervous breakdown in the bathroom.

Kara, describe the object.

“Small, hard and round.” Her own voice was jarring, harsh and too loud.

Sharon was in front of her, a stack of towels at her side. “I want you to repeat after me. One.”

She stared at her, blinked and shook her head, beginning to shiver under the water spray. “You’re not real. You’re not here. You’re a hallucination.”

Sharon didn’t argue, simply said the word again. “One.”

“If I close my eyes and open them again, you’ll be gone.”

“Repeat it, Kara. One.”

Closing her eyes didn’t make Sharon go away, so Kara allowed she might be somehow real. Was she saved? Had Galactica and the Pegasus come back and found her? Were Sharon, Lee and Racetrack her rescuers? “One.”

“Two.”

“Two.” Sharon’s image blurred and Kara blinked several times trying to keep her in focus. What the frak? Two bathrooms super-imposed upon each other. Breakdown, her mind whispered. That’s all it is. Time to traipse off into La-La land, Kara. It’s okay. You’re just going slightly mad. Nothing to worry about.

“Ball.”

She hesitated, glance flicking to Lee. He had blood smeared under his nose and a confused expression on his face. He watched her like she was an unpredictable animal that could go wild at any moment. “Ball.” The object in her palm was round and so was a ball.

“Three.”

“Three.” Any minute now, Leoben would come in and jerk her back to reality. Right? She would blink and it would be him in front of her and not Sharon.

“Seven.”

“Seven?” Her vision sharpened, cleared and she could see Racetrack to one side, apparently guarding the doorway. Her gaze drifted about from one object to another, touching upon toiletries set out, towels on the floor and then did a circuit between the three with her.

“Four.” Sharon moved closer, her knees settling into the water puddle. Kara watched the fabric of Sharon’s pants soak up the water. “Lee, turn off the water slowly. Do not startle her.” Her tone was calm, unhurried.

“What happens if I do,” he asked, raising up to his feet and reaching over her head.

“Maybe she hits you again? I don’t really know.”

“Four,” Kara said as the water stopped. Next came five and six and…

“Viper.” Sharon took a towel and draped it across Kara’s raised knees.

“Viper,” she repeated dully, raising her hand to look at the object in her palm. Was that a marble? Confusion rose inside her, racing with weariness to claim her fully. She realized her butt was numb, her fingers pruned from water saturation. Kara looked back at Sharon. “Are you real?”

Sharon’s fingers stretched out, inviting touch, though not touching. “What do you think?”

She was half afraid the hand would dissolve under her touch, but the fingers were warm and solid. “You’re real.” Releasing Sharon’s hand, she reached towards Lee. He crouched, then knelt fully in the water. Kara touched his face, frowned and jerked her hand away. She’d felt warm skin under her touch. She used the towel on her knees to blot her face. “I’m cold.”

As soon as she was swathed in towels, Lee stepped outside the room, leaving her to Sharon and Racetrack. They helped her to stand, steadying her when her knees buckled, and Kara grimaced as feeling rushed back into her rear. The clothes she’d set out had been exchanged for sweats and brought in to her. She didn’t know when that had happened. She could remember now that she’d worked out, spoken with Cally, and gone to take a shower before heading for duty. Something had triggered the episode, but what? The memory of whatever had triggered it was gone. Kara had no idea how she’d ended up sitting like that in the shower stall or what had happened during that time.

She drew on the sweats and slanted a questioning look at the two. “I’m on duty.”

Sharon took the towels from her and set them aside. “No, you’re not. You were in that fugue state for over three hours. You’re in no shape --”

“I can work,” she insisted, ignoring the fact that she now felt light-headed and shaky.

“Oh for frak’s sake, Starbuck, take the rack time.” Racetrack shook her head. “Gods, you’re barely standing.”

“Gee thanks.”

The two worked together, shielding her from questions and doing a fair imitation of guard dogs until she was fully dressed and sitting on her bunk with blankets wrapped around her. Lee promptly stepped forward, asking questions in a careful, urgent tone without giving her time to answer. Somewhere in the barrage of questions, Racetrack left, moving so quietly that Kara would not have realized she’d gone if she hadn’t seen her leave. Lee’s tone gradually changed when she didn’t answer, becoming both demanding and harsh. She thought she heard an edge of panic in it as well, but why would that be? Lee still hated her, right?

Sharon…Athena…remained, positioning herself in Lee’s way, making him angry, his fists clenching. She had the sudden idea that Sharon would fight to keep Lee back -- as though she was Kara’s best friend protecting her from harm. The very idea made her giggle weakly. Kara sat wrapped in the blankets and tried to begin forming answers for those queries through a mind that felt numb and almost blank.

“You think Kara here needs a bodyguard; that she needs protected from me?”

“Does she?”

Lee tried to step around Sharon and she blocked him once more. “She can defend herself just fine, Athena. Frak off and get out of my way.” Blocked once more, he whirled, kicked the wall and turned back. “I want to know what that was in there and I want to know now, not ten minutes, twenty or an hour from now. I want to know this second and I don’t care if that pisses you off, Athena. Not to mention that your ass should be on duty right now.”

“I was needed here,” she replied.

“You were needed,” he repeated, making a scoffing noise. “Did one of those mystical Cylon visions tell you that?” His sarcasm was heavy, weighing down the words.

Kara had noticed he was often sarcastic these days and she blinked, feeling as though she was hearing and seeing in slow motion.

“I came looking for you and after something that happened a few days ago, I thought I could help.”

“Something that happened a few days ago? This is a repeat thing then? Anyone going to bother telling me?”

Kara slid down a little, adjusting the pillow behind her back. She was no longer freezing cold, just bone weary. “You didn’t need to know. At least not then,” she whispered, then launched into her answers to those questions he’d asked. Apparently, they didn’t hear her, for they kept talking, Lee in his angry tone and Sharon in that carefully controlled voice. Finally, she just leaned her head back and cleared her throat. She was tired enough to let them run out of steam before jumping in. Besides, it took too much effort to talk.

“She probably thought you were him.”

“Him.” Lee managed to circle Sharon, but turned his back to Kara. “Leoben? Why would she think I was him? She was in the shower --”

“I think she’s having flashbacks.”

“You can talk to me,” Kara said to no one in particular. “I am right here.”

“Maybe hallucinations to go with them. When she hit you, it wasn’t personal, it was likely fighting back,” Sharon’s voice lowered, “maybe even changing the way it had played out back then to give herself control over a situation she’d had no control of at all.”

“She was in the shower, Athena.”

“Yes, I know that.”

Their voices went even lower, too low for her to hear and then she saw Lee’s back stiffen.

“Frak!” His fist flew out, hitting a locker with a crash. He repeated the word and action twice, ending the last with something like a sob. “How could…” He cut himself off, his breaths loud and controlled.

A curious calm settled in her belly, the sort of calm one got when something dreaded has passed by. Lee knew the truth now, didn’t he? Sharon…Athena had clued him in. She couldn’t find it in her to be upset by it.

Sharon came around him and sat down on the floor at Kara’s side. “I’m staying awhile. Kara shouldn’t be alone right now.”

“You’re on duty…Athena.” He didn’t turn around.

“I’ll stay extra or you can have me put in the brig or…whatever. But do it tomorrow, because I’m staying…Apollo.”

What was he thinking? Kara wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

Lee turned and crouched down. She looked at him long enough to see that he’d wiped the blood away before turning her face to the side. When he spoke, his voice was neutral, calm and even gentle. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you in there, Kara. I thought you were sleepwalking. I thought you’d sleepwalked in there and missed your--”

“I don’t remember you in there, Lee.”

He started to say something, his breath expelling in a burst. “Will you look at me, please?”

Kara hesitated. Get it over with, she told herself. Look in his eyes and see what he thinks of you now. She met his gaze, surprised to see him flinch and stand.

“Gods, Kara, don’t look at me like that!” He took several steps back, hands held up and open, where she could see them. “It wasn’t your fault. What he did was not your fault.”

“Is that what you really think?” She crossed her arms. “Or do you think I was just waiting for it, because you know…that Kara Thrace can’t keep her legs closed. She’ll frak any guy if you give her a chance. Doesn’t matter if he’s human or Cylon, just wind her up and let her go.” She wet her lips with the tip of her tongue. “It’s what people say, isn’t it? And it’s what you’ve been thinking since I made that scene in sickbay, right?”

His skin took on a greenish, sick cast, but he didn’t deny the accusation.

Sharon got to her knees, holding a hand out to both of them. “Stop! Now is not the time for this!”

Lee shook his head. “You think you know what I’m thinking, Kara? You think I believe all of that?” His brows raised. “You have no idea what I’m thinking.”

“You,” Sharon pointed at him, “go!”

Lee went without an argument and Kara closed her eyes against the image of his stricken expression -- those few brief seconds before he walked away. She had expected to see anger, not…that. She buried her hands in her hair. “I’m so tired,” she whispered.

“Then sleep. It’s what you need.”

“Why are you helping me?”

“Because that’s what friends do.”

“Are we friends, Sharon?” Looking over, she corrected, “Athena?”

“I would call you friend, Kara.” With a dip of her head, she added, “Starbuck.”

Kara shook her head. “I don’t get you.”

“I know. You still expect me to be the stereotypical Cylon and when I don’t, it confuses everyone. Do you want me to stay?”

“You told Lee you were.”

“Yeah, well I didn’t think you’d want him grilling you over the flashback when you need rest to recover from it. He meant well and all--”

“What do you know about flashbacks,” Kara interrupted her, then yawned long and hard enough to make her ears pop. She slid down until she was laying down, adjusting her position until she was comfortable.

Sharon shrugged, a graceful movement. “Just what I read up on after the other day. I never had flashbacks, just nightmares mostly and those still haven’t completely gone away. It’s not the scenarios anymore, but rather the sense of helplessness. I wake up feeling so…vulnerable.” She sighed. “It takes time.” Her gaze raised to Kara’s in a steady, understanding stare. Why was it that it had grated when coming from Sally, yet it didn’t from Sharon? “I didn’t have the option of professional therapy. What I had was Helo and eventually…Adama, but that was a long time coming. It was a daily process of choices, some good and some bad, and not being willing to let it keep me from life, because life happens whether or not you let yourself feel it happening.”

Kara’s eyes slipped shut.

“You can bury yourself and ignore everything, but one thing remains a truth: people need other people. We need contact with others.”

She fell asleep before she could comment; before she could remind them both that Sharon -- Athena -- was not human.