Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains

Chapter 5

Timeframe: Back on Galactica now, but still straying from canon.

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We are here together on the precipice of change, dancing along the edge of that cliff pain, wanting to end it one way or another.

~~~~~~~~~~

Helo had been her second clue, Kara realized the next morning. He had cemented that she was honestly not herself, that the pieces of her were still strewn about, jagged and broken. She was not mending and all efforts to patch herself up were unsuccessful.

What am I doing, she thought. Lords of Kobol help me. I’ve got to find myself again; somehow put those pieces of me back together again. But how? I don’t know where to begin.

All of the things she’d tried had ultimately failed. The few nights she’d managed to drink herself into a stupor hadn’t helped. The alcohol didn’t make anything go away and the numbness didn’t last. If anything, her nightmares were worse after drinking. Staying by herself only made her dwell more upon Leoben and yet trying to avoid dwelling on him caused a state of such jitters that she couldn’t sit still for more than seconds at a time.

She dressed, ate breakfast and stared at her appointment card, willing it to go away and for life to return to normal.

Life didn’t bend under the force of her will, so Kara went to her mandatory counseling session and tried to stare down the doctor. The woman, however, was well prepared and in the end, it was Kara who looked away first, unable to stand the kindness in that gaze. It made her too uncomfortable that this stranger could look at her with such understanding, as though she knew everything that had happened, including the things Kara herself had only recently acknowledged as truth. This woman looked at her as though they had an affinity. The woman, whose name was ‘Sally’ and Kara kept calling ‘Silly’ in her mind, began to speak.

“Many people are having trouble coping with the events on New Caprica. There’s no shame in needing aid to deal with the trauma. Reacting is normal and I see nothing in your file here that is not a normal reaction to a traumatic situation.”

I’m not having trouble coping, she thought. I know exactly what to do the next time I see that bastard Leoben. First, he’s getting castrated with a dull knife, then slowly disemboweled with a nice rusty…whatever is handy. We’ll see if he likes that invasion of his body. Maybe after that I’ll give him a few whacks upside the head with a blunt object for good measure. That’s how I’m coping. Coping isn’t the problem. It’s becoming whole again that’s the hard part.

Sally did all of the talking for most of the session. She explained PTSD in detail, giving Kara a rundown of treatment options available, a nice lengthy description of the main and secondary effects of trauma and a few suggestions to help speed the healing process. She mentioned classes she and her colleague were trying to put together for those who needed more help and told Kara to talk to others who had experienced a similar situation as herself. But who, Kara wondered, had been in a similar situation, because she didn’t particularly know of anyone else in the fleet who’d had a Cylon treat them as Leoben had treated her.

Silence reigned over the remaining minutes of their time together, Kara thinking about everything Sally had said and waiting for their time to be done. The sooner she could be gone, the better. She couldn’t wait to be back on duty, even if she was curtailed from flying for the time being. Moments before the end, Sally clasped her hands together on the table. “Your anger is the reason you’re here. Let’s deal with it so you can go do that job you obviously love.”

“I hear you, Sally, but I’m not angry.”

“Of course you are. You’re furious and you have every right to be furious. No one should be put in the position you were in. You’ve been through a horrible ordeal.”

More than you know, she thought, one forefinger rubbing back and forth over the thumbnail of that same hand. Her other hand raised, fingers twirling at a short lock of her hair at her temple before she realized what she was doing. Kara put her hands together and shook her head. “I’m fine…Sally…and I’m only here with you because I was told to be here. New Caprica was New Caprica and I’m not there anymore. I’m home, okay? Got it? Good. I am not angry and frankly, what’s really pissing me off is everyone telling me I’m angry.”

Sally watched her a moment. “Then why are you starting so many fights with your crewmates? It’s okay to be angry, but there is a point when it needs to be addressed. We have come to such a point, so…let’s address it.”

“Now? We’ll go over in time --”

“So what?”

“You have other patients.”

“Right now I’m with you and when we’re done, we’re done and not a second before.”

“I have duty in twenty minutes.”

“I believe they’ll excuse your tardiness.”

Kara licked her lips, frustration rising at each reason begin countered. “I’m not staying.”

Sally’s lips twitched. “Then come back tomorrow.”

She sighed, giving in to the inevitable. “Same time I suppose.”

“Unless another works better for you?”

She smiled sweetly. “No time would work the best.”

“I can’t release you.” Sally opened a small book and made a note. “There. You’re penciled in.” She closed it and crossed her arms on the table. “Now, I won’t lie to you. Recovering from a trauma is not an easy process. I will never tell you it’s going to be easy, because this will likely be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. You are going to be up one day and down the next and sometimes both in the space of hours. Your nightmares may increase before they ever start to go away. They may never fully go away. The shame of --”

“I’m not ashamed, either.” The kindness in Sally’s gaze made her swallow hard and glance away. “I survived. I’m home.”

“That’s right, you did survive. Recognize that. Think of the courage you had to have to survive to come home. I know you aren’t willing to be here, not yet anyway, but once you do take that willing step to begin coping…. It will help.” She took a piece of paper and wrote awhile on it, then handed it to her. “We’ll go through the mandatory sessions as required, but know that you can reach me whenever you need to talk, whether it’s in the middle of the night or whenever. You don’t have to fight me. I’m not your enemy.”

Why was everyone telling her that these days?

“I am here to help you heal.”

Kara left the appointment with mixed emotions. Sally had given her much to consider and she was mulling through it as she approached Lee.

“I need you doing paperwork today,” he told her, setting her up with a huge stack to work her way through and Kara started right in on it. It was boring and tedious, but she was there, as close to flying as she’d be for awhile. For hours she worked, finishing one page and moving on to the next. Once, she heard Lee’s voice raised at someone and while she could hear the tone, she couldn’t quite make out the words. Man, she thought, is he ever pissed today. She wondered who he was dressing down and about what, then shook her head, stretched and returned to her papers, determined to push through whatever he threw at her. She was nearing a quitting point when Kat appeared in front of her. Kara quit writing and set her pen down. “What?”

Kat was subdued, face bruised in shades of purple, gaze refusing to meet hers. The set of her shoulders was tense. “I was out of line. Sorry,” she said in a flat, rushed tone.

Leaning back in her chair, Kara studied her, looked her up and down. “You don’t sound too sorry, Katraine.”

Her lips tightened and she stared stonily ahead. “I didn’t think before speaking.”

Kara nodded, glancing behind Kat. Who had sent her to apologize because she didn’t see Kat as doing this voluntarily. Was Kat the one Lee had been tearing in to? “I see.”

“I formally apologize --” A tinge of sarcasm colored the phrase.

Kara stopped her mid-sentence. “Yeah, I get the gist. Apology accepted.” She sat forward and picked up her pen to return to her paperwork, then gestured as an afterthought towards Kat’s face. “Sorry about your face.”

Kat snorted softly. “Yeah. Well…I’ve gotta get back.”

Kara worked awhile longer, then gathered up the papers and put them away. The next few days went in a similar fashion. She saw Sally, then went on duty. She thought about what Sally kept telling her and wondered if she could take one aspect of her time with Leoben and find a common ground with others. Did it have to be the same experience or could she pick and choose through what had happened? Kara didn’t ask Sally, but paid attention when Sally began giving statistics within the fleet. Domestic violence statistics. Rape statistics. Sally told her that with the small number of people in the fleet, chances were that she knew at least one person who had been a victim of something; that she likely knew several people who had been traumatized in some way.

It occurred to her that she knew two. Cally and…Sharon. The problem was that she didn’t want to talk to either one. Cally was out because Kara didn’t really want to have to see the baby and Sharon? Not a viable option either, though she supposed she should try and smooth the waters with Sharon simply because once Kara regained flight status they’d be working together out there.

Her mind worried the dilemma and Kara made an impulsive decision in the pilot’s rec room. Standing, she went to Helo and Sharon’s table and sat down. She imagined she could feel everyone’s eyes on her. Were they wondering what she was doing? Were they listening in, waiting for an explosion like she’d so obligingly been giving lately? “Sharon. I’d like a private meeting tomorrow, if we could.”

Sharon tilted her head. “Regarding?”

“Just a private matter.”

She studied Kara, curiosity in her eyes. After a moment, she shared a glance with Helo and nodded. “Okay. It’ll have to be after lunch.”

They agreed on a time and place. Kara stood and made her way from the room. It wasn’t until she was out in the corridor that she noticed her shoulders were tight with tension. She began walking and as she walked, Kara decided she was feeling halfway normal today. Halfway was something, right? Not too bad of a day. But then she ran into Sam. He gave her the same look Sally did and she backed away from him. “What do you want?”

“I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

He slipped his hands into his pockets, not coming any closer. “Because I love you, Kara. I miss you. I heard your nightmares are still waking everyone up and…I was concerned.”

“Well, I’m a big girl, okay? I can handle a few nightmares.” She brushed by him. “I have to go.”

“Kara --”

“No, Sam, don’t. I have to go.” Where had he been the last few days? Kara had no idea. Had he told her and she’d forgotten? He had simply disappeared. She paused, glancing back, her curiosity overcoming her need to go away from him. “Where have you been anyway?”

He was staring at the floor, his expression that of a man who’d been punched in the gut. “Thought I should give you some space. I…uh…found an empty section of floor to occupy. It’s cold and hard, but it’s a place to sleep.”

“Oh.” She nodded. “I’ve moved back with the other pilots.”

“I’d heard you weren’t flying yet.”

“Yeah, but…uh…I will be soon.”

“Oh.” He stepped forward, gaze raising. “Kara, I miss you. I --”

“I don’t have time to talk.”

As she walked away, she heard his voice after her say softly, “And we never will again, will we?”

Kara stopped, closed her eyes and warred with herself over whether or not to turn around. The time would come when they’d have to have that conversation and she wasn’t sure that the middle of a corridor was the place for it. With a sigh, she whirled, but Sam had already gone. Suddenly cold, she rubbed her arms and retreated to her bunk, spending an hour trying to figure out just what Sally expected her to put in the journal she’d given her. She doodled on the pages and finally fell asleep with the book open.

Hours later she woke with a start from another nightmare, her hands reaching to smooth across her belly. She had dreamed that she’d never left New Caprica. In the dream, she was still with Leoben and she was pregnant enough to be just showing. She was stretched out on that bed with her shirt hiked up and pants unbuttoned. His lips caressed her bare belly and he told her that he’d always known she would love him. The baby was proof of her love and such a gift from God!

Kara patted her belly, felt the scar tissue against her fingertips. Her stomach was still flat, but now a horrible thought would not leave her mind.

What if I’m pregnant?

The thought froze the blood in her veins. The very idea of carrying Leoben’s kid sent dread crawling up her throat like bile. She tried to calm herself, to pay attention to her body.

I’d know it, she thought, sitting up. I’d know. There’d be signs. I wouldn’t have the curse for one thing….

Kara squinted, trying to remember the last time she’d had a period. Had it been before getting sprung or after? The days all scrunched together and she buried her fingers in her hair. “Frak, frak, frak, frak, frak,” she whispered. “I should know this. I should. How do I not know the answer to this question?”

A trip to sickbay would solve the question easily. Kara got up, prowled around for awhile longer and headed for sickbay. Hopefully, she’d have an answer in minutes and could go back to sleep.

As she had come to realize, nothing in her life could ever be so simple again. An answer in minutes? Yeah right. Long hours later, she returned to her bunk, exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster she’d been on while Doc Cottle and his staff had humored her requests for test after test until her insistence on ‘just one more’ had snapped the last of Cottle’s patience with her. How many people, she wondered, could claim to have been thrown out of sickbay? Maybe causing that tiny scene over her initial results hadn’t been the brightest idea…. Kara sat on her bunk and pressed a hand to her stomach. She sighed and had started to ease back to catch a few winks before Sharon arrived for their talk when Sam peeked in.

Kara rolled her eyes and pushed back up to sit. “Well, you’re in luck. You’ve found the few minutes in the day when no one is trying to sleep in here.” One hand massaged the back of her neck and Kara thought she could probably sleep for days right now.

He stepped in and closed the hatch.

She waited. He stared at her. Drumming her fingers, she shrugged. “What, Sam? You obviously wanted to talk to me bad enough to find me here, so…what?”

“Why are you having pregnancy tests?” His voice was oddly strained.

Kara looked away, then back.

Sam crossed his arms, answering his own question. “You’re having them because he did more than put his hands on you, didn’t he? He….” Sam trailed off, licked his lips and tried again. “He….” Finally, Sam simply shook his head.

She swallowed, throat suddenly dry. Sam knew. He knew and he couldn’t say it. He had put two and two together just like she was certain others would be doing. She had erred in making a scene in sickbay. “You want to know? He raped me, Sam. Nice, huh? He would punch me right here,” she pointed, “and while I was trying to breathe, then he’d strike. His M.O. it turned out. He would pull off my clothes, rip them if they didn’t give, and…rape me. On the floor, the couch, the bed, up against the wall, in the shower….Anywhere he got the urge to give me what he called ‘lessons’.” His gaze was horrified and Kara forced herself to keep meeting his eyes. Sam would see her differently now. He’d see her as she really was and not the woman he thought he’d married. “So…. You could just say he frakked me if it’s easier to think of it that way. It always followed a ‘lesson’, but sometimes not right away. Sometimes I thought he wouldn’t and a day or two later….”

“You’ve had eight tests now?”

“Seven,” she corrected, “and I have to make sure.”

His arms uncrossed, hands clenching. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice cracked halfway through the question.

“Because that’s how I handle things, okay,” she snapped, not really wanting to have this conversation. She wished he’d turn and walk away so she didn’t have to tell him to go. Raising a hand, she wiped tears off her cheeks. Kara didn’t want to tell him to go.

“No, Kara, it’s not okay. I’m your husband…. Communication is somewhat essential here.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Gods, I don’t even know you anymore.”

“Join the club.”

“I have a wife who won’t let me touch her, who snarls when I look at her. Who didn’t tell me --”

“So leave, Sam. Just go. Get out before you’re sucked into my problems because once that really happens, you’ll get hurt and it won’t be pretty.”

“I’m your husband,” he said. There was an undertone of defeat to the words, as though he had lost a battle that he’d fought long and hard to win. “So that’s it, then? You loved me enough to come back for me. You loved me enough to go to New Caprica with me, but you don’t love me enough to fight for our marriage? You don’t love me enough to let down those barriers you’ve put up? Frak, I thought about you every day down there!”

“Like I never thought of you?”

“Every day we fought them somehow, I wondered if today was the day I’d find you; if I’d get my wife back.”

If only he had found her then. Perhaps if that had happened there would be something left for them now. “I didn’t know if you were alive or dead.”

“Yet when I’m right here, alive, wanting to help you through this, you push me away. You don’t tell me what happened to you, you try and kick me out of our bunk, and when I do give a little, you take it all and leave me nothing. You shut me out, ignore me and then you finally tell me what he did…and tell me to leave? Your priorities are all frakked up, Kara, and I’m already hurt. I am already sucked in because you are my wife.”

She sniffled, turning her face away. “I’m done talking.” Please, she thought to herself, just leave. Do it and get it over with.

“Yeah, you always are at this point, aren’t you. Gods forbid you give a little and let me in.”

She swallowed a sob, only half succeeding in suppressing it. “I can’t, Sam. I just…. I can’t and I am frakked up, so leave.” Kara bowed her head.

“You know, I thought we were good together. I thought that maybe someday we’d even have a family. I thought so many things….” His sigh was heavy, his weariness nearly palpable. “I knew you were stubborn, but I never realized…. He hurt you, Kara, and he hurt you bad, but you can’t live your life wrapped up in that pain. If you do that, then he wins!”

Something in his voice made her look up and she saw a sheen of tears on his cheeks. He didn’t wipe them away, letting them fall. Kara crossed her arms, half hugging herself.

“I love you, Kara. I know I can’t heal you, though I would if I could. I can’t.” He stepped to her and knelt, reaching for her hand. After a second, she held it out. Her dogtags were set in her palm, fingers closed around it. “You’ve made your wishes very clear and I’m a dumb s.o.b. who overstayed his welcome. I do love you and because of that, I will let you go. If having me gone will make you happy…. I’ll wait a few weeks, maybe a month or two, then start the process. If you think about us and see any possible future from here for us….” He stood, began backing away. “Tell me before then.”

And then he was gone, doing exactly what she had told herself she wanted.

She sat clutching the dogtags, holding back her tears as best she could. People came in and went back out, a few trying to engage her in conversation. None stayed long. Kara put the dogtags away. It was surreal to her that Sam had gone. He had actually done it and done so out of love. He said he loved her and let her go because of it. Leoben had said he loved her and refused to release her. Who now showed true love? Kara drew on her sweatshirt so she wouldn’t have to see her tattoo if she happened to glance down at her arm. She found a bottle of liquor and a couple shot glasses and waited for Sharon to arrive. The bottle was half empty and Kara wondered if having a drink or two was really such a good idea. She knew what Sally would tell her, but Sally wasn’t here, was she?

Sharon was early, making sure they did indeed have privacy. “Rumor says you got kicked out of sickbay earlier and had a nurse in tears. Something about a pregnancy test?”

Kara snorted and poured herself a shot. “You want one?” She glanced up, pointing to the second glass. “A shot, I mean.”

Sharon was uneasy, her gaze moving over Kara -- probably noting the absence of her gun -- before sitting stiffly upright in the chair across from her. “Early in the day, but…. Sure.”

With the glasses ready, Kara stared at them, listening to the silence. She heard her breaths and Sharon’s as well. A machine breathing, she thought. So human sometimes. She avoided looking at Sharon.

“You asked for this meeting, remember?” Sharon didn’t reach for the glass.

Kara nodded. “Love is the key, right? It has to go both ways? It can’t just be one-sided?”

“That’s the theory, yes. But you know that. I’ve told you before. Are you--”

She continued as though Sharon had not spoken. “Because I hate him. I want to eliminate every single copy of Leoben except the New Caprica one. Him I’m going to torture within a breath of death, until he begs for nothingness, you know? I want him to beg me to kill him so he can be away from me, safely downloading so far away that he won’t see me again. I want him to taste bodily death on his tongue and know that I won’t let it happen. I won’t give it to him. I’ll keep him against his will like he kept me and he will have no rescue.” Flicking her glance up, she added, “Does that offend you as a Cylon, hearing of the torture planned for one of your own?”

Sharon’s expression was neutral and Kara thought it was carefully so. “I’ve chosen my side and it doesn’t matter if it bothers me or not.”

“But do you feel it’s a justified punishment for his actions?”

“Is torture justifiable at any time,” Sharon countered.

Kara nodded. “Yeah, it frakking is. But maybe the best torture for him would be not to torture him. He likes his pain too much. What do you think? Which would be the best torture for Leoben? Physical pain or no?”

Sharon studied the wall a moment, then shrugged. “Hypothetically, have someone else torture him maybe?”

“How do you figure?” Kara leaned forward.

“Leoben has focused upon you. What could be more torture than to know you are there and have no contact with you?” She leaned forward as well. “Are you pregnant?”

Kara laughed, ignoring the hysteria that was always present in her laughter these days. “Oh frak no! Cottle says the ‘absence of a menstrual flow can be an emotional stress reaction to a situation.’ Two false positives, an inconclusive, and several negatives later, he says no way.” She ran a finger around the glass rim. “Of course, he also told me calm the frak down and get the hell out of his sickbay because he had real problems to treat instead of imaginary pregnancies. It’s not possible. I never loved Leoben, so it didn’t happen.”

Now Sharon drew the glass to her. “Why are you telling me this? A few days ago you were calling me names with some of the others and today you want to confide in me? I don’t get it.”

Kara shook her head. “I don’t know.” But she did know. Sharon was assaulted once, nearly raped. She knew what it felt like to be in that position. Kara remembered it. They had a common ground and how frakked up was it that she was curious how Sharon had coped? How had Sharon gotten past it? How had she been able to look at Helo and not seen the man who had attacked her?

So what? Her mind jeered. Are we going to be pals over it? Yeah right. She’s a Cylon, remember? Don’t let her deceive you.

It’s not that cut and dried anymore, she returned. Sharon has proven herself. A lot of people trust her. Adama trusts her. Helo trusts her. Can I? Kara remembered what Helo had said about the launch keys and thought back over everything else she knew. Sharon had had ample times to betray them and hadn’t. But she was still a Cylon and Kara wasn’t sure she could look past that after all.

She shrugged, stretching her legs out. “Helo implied I’ve been a real bitch to you lately.”

“He implied.”

“Okay, he pretty much said it outright. Leoben messed up all of my reasonings, turned everything upside down. I look at you and I see--”

“I don’t want a forced apology from you. If it’s not real, don’t say it.”

She slapped the table with her palm. “Frak! I’m trying to explain.”

Sharon sighed. “I know what you’re getting at, okay? Forget it. We’ll start new, right now, today. Right here.”

Kara laughed a little, unbelieving. “You’re frakking kidding me, right? Are you for real? Are you honestly telling me that you’ll just forget everything?”

She nodded. “Of course. You’re important to Helo. You’re his close friend. Whatever or whoever is important to my husband is important to me.”

Lifting her glass, Kara drank down the shot. She had no words for that announcement. As she swallowed, she saw Sharon drink as well, as though cementing the words.

Sharon set the glass down and crossed her arms on the tabletop. “You know…Kara…anyone who knows you can see you’re hurting. We’re all worried about you. We all want to help you.”

“Who’s this we, because I don’t see too many people breaking down my door for a heart-to-heart.” She poured them both a second shot, wondering if she was tripping on something or really having this conversation.

“Would you let anyone in if we did? Would you notice?” Sharon leaned forward a little more. “We’ve been trying.”

Kara sat up straight. How many times had friends started to talk and she’d pulled back from the conversation and left? How many times had she ignored the question, “You okay?” said in a quiet tone? How many times had she brushed aside anyone trying to have a private word with her? Looking back, she wondered if Sharon was correct. She shifted uncomfortably in the seat, shaking her head. “No, everyone has been giving me a wide berth these days.”

“Adama cares. Helo cares. Apollo cares.” She listed people off, tapping a finger on the tabletop with each name. “Your husband --”

“My husband just left me! That hardly qualifies as caring!” Oh, but it did, didn’t it? He left because he cared. He cared about her wants and wishes. He was doing what she wanted.

Her arm jerked, the liquor bottle tipping, spilling all over the table. Liquid rolled across the surface and onto the floor.

“Son of a--!” Kara stood, reaching for something, anything, to wipe up the spill, but as she dragged a piece of cloth over the bottle side, her mind tipped her backwards in time.

She was washing dishes and drying them, amused by the items missing from the cupboards.

“He loves you,” came a voice from far away.

Leoben twisted her, shoved her against the wall. Kara’s shoulder twinged with pain, the bottle and cloth dropping from her hands. “No,” she said. “He doesn’t love me. You don’t do that to someone you love.” She heard a crash. Leoben’s fist snapped forward, punching her. Kara struggled to breathe, heard her clothes rip, felt his weight --

Sharon’s voice cut through the scene, calm and soothing. “Where are you, Kara? Come on, come back. Look around for me. Tell me where you are. Look around. Please, Kara, focus.”

She sucked in a breath, heard a hiss of pain and blinked. “I’m on the floor.”

“Look at me. Tell me who I am.”

For a second, she could not focus, but then she saw Sharon, kneeling beside her. “Sharon…Agathon.”

“Good. Where are you right now besides the floor?”

A few more blinks, the room becoming clear once more in slow degrees. She saw the table, chairs and broken glass. She saw the beds on the walls, curtains open and the lockers for each. “I’m home,” she whispered, becoming aware that the back of her right thigh was wet and that she was gripping Sharon’s hands so tightly that she was drawing blood with her nails.

“Good. Let’s get you up, okay?”

She let Sharon help her stand, but when she went to release her hand, Sharon didn’t move away, concern and kindness in her eyes.

“Leoben raped you, didn’t he? There was no consent --”

Kara touched her tongue to her lips, shook her head and shoved her away. “Get out!”

Sharon nodded. “I understand now.”

She retreated to her bunk, closing the curtain and curling up. Kara lay still, drowning in exhaustion. Sharon remained with her for awhile, moving about on the other side of the curtain, probably cleaning up the broken bottle. Kara listened to her, glad there was no more conversation. Of all those around to see her like that, it had to have been Sharon. Why couldn’t it have been someone who wasn’t a Cylon? Finally, Sharon’s voice came from directly outside. “I have to go meet Helo in the gym. Why don’t you join us?” When she didn’t reply, Sharon cleared her throat. “Okay. Another time then.”

Kara took a shower to wash off the smell of the alcohol, then dressed and spent long minutes staring at the paper Sally had given her. Taking a deep breath, she went to find Sally, locating her cot after threading her way through the crowd of civilians. Sally was sleeping, lines of tension pulling at her features, and Kara realized how difficult the woman’s job must be right now. She wasn’t Sally’s only patient by a long shot. She hesitated to wake her, gaze raising, drifting about the room.

So many people once more displaced from their homes. There were entire families crowded around a single cot, people crying, children trying to play in the crowded conditions. Was Kacey here somewhere, she wondered, or had she and her mother gone to another ship? Her heart ached at the thought of Kacey. Kara sighed and shook Sally. The woman came awake slowly, blinking before she shoved herself up to a sitting position.

“…uh…Captain?”

“You said anytime.”

“Yes.” She smothered a yawn.

“How about now?”

Sally stared at her, then tucked her hair behind her ears and nodded. “Give me a few minutes and we’ll find a quiet place to talk.”

Kara stood, looking about once more as she waited. I’m luckier than some of these people, she thought. For some, whatever home they’d had in the fleet is gone. Mine is still here. Determination straightened her spine. A lot of people were hurting, feeling as lost as she. It was there on the faces she saw. I will put myself back together, she told herself, no matter how long it takes. Leoben will not destroy my soul.