Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains

Chapter 7

Timeframe: Moved firmly into AU territory. Season 3.

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Feel it? Relief. Pleasure.

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Her dreams were free of hurting images. Kara woke slowly, stretching. She was wide awake and it was hours before she had to be awake yet. She’d managed to sleep for over fourteen hours straight. Rolling over, she sat up and opened the curtain, then frowned and leaned to her right a little.

Sam was on the floor, halfway propped up at the end of her bunk, his hair sticking up and a soft snore coming from his lips. He had rarely snored and when he did, they were always barely there noises. His legs were splayed out in an angle that would have been uncomfortable if he was awake.

“Morning Starbuck,” came a whisper and she looked up, acknowledging Racetrack, who was playing a solo card game at the table.

Kara jerked a thumb at Sam. “Why’s he here?”

She shrugged. “He said a man should be around to comfort his wife. No one argued. Tried to give him a blanket or pillow at least, but he muttered something about a reversal of roles and plopped down there. He looked like death warmed over, too.” She glanced over, pursed her lips. “Still does.”

Stretching again, Kara tossed the covers off. Why was Racetrack sitting there awake at this hour? She opted for bluntness in her query. “So… Are you guarding me?”

“Guarding?” Her brows rose and she flipped a few more cards. “Not hardly. I’m supposed to be getting some rack time, but couldn’t sleep. Wired, you know? It was one of those days.”

“I know the feeling.”

“Oh, and Cottle and some other guy came in while you were asleep.” She shook her head. “Frak it all. I should have won at least once by now. Not fair. How does Kat do it?” She gathered the cards, shuffling them.

Kara snorted. “Cottle made a house call? Put that in the history books. What’d he want?”

“No kidding. Yeah, they came in, had Apollo with them, and kicked all of us out but him and Athena. I don’t know. They were all in here for over an hour.”

“Gods,” Kara spat. Just what I need, she thought. “I am so frakked.”

“Aren’t we all? Hey,” she looked up, held up some cards, “wanna play something? I could be persuaded into procrastinating awhile longer.”

As tempting as it was, she didn’t think she could sit and play cards right now. “Maybe later.”

“Shoot.” Disappointment dragged her mouth down into a frown.

Kara smiled, raised a hand and pointed two fingers at her. “Bang.”

Racetrack laughed, gathering the cards and standing. “On that note, I think I’ll drag my sorry ass to bed. ‘Later.”

“Yeah.” When silence again fell, Kara looked at Sam. Should she wake him? He looked strangely cute in that awkward position. She studied his features, let herself enjoy looking at him. Sam was a handsome man and even in sleep there was a strength to him. She remembered what it had felt like to kiss him, to feel his warm response and to be held in his arms.

They had been happy together for awhile on New Caprica, when all of the dust had settled. She had tried to be a good wife.

Sighing, Kara stood, getting dressed as quietly as possible. Why was he here? Why had he come back after saying he was leaving? Kara fastened her belt. Had he filed the paperwork yet? It would be for the best. Once he was gone, really gone, he’d be happy he had left. He would realize that she was not what he needed. He would eventually find another woman -- maybe in a year or two -- and settle down. There would be babies and happiness and all those things they two had begun planning on New Caprica. Would the woman be someone she already knew, or would Sam go outside Galactica? He would be happy then, truly happy, and Kara would just be the frakked up ex the new missus wondered about. Time could not fix them no matter what Sam probably thought.

Her thoughts turned to the moments before she’d fallen to sleep rather than speculate upon Sam anymore. Questions swirled in her mind. What was Lee really thinking? What would their next meeting be like and how soon until she was informed she was being relieved of duty? That could be the only outcome, right? Cottle and that man, Sally’s colleague, would have decided that while they looked her over and heard what Lee and Sharon had to say. Would her discharge be an honorable medical one?

She drew on her shoes and stood. A fatalistic bent took hold of her. Only one outcome, she told herself. Try and accept it now before it happens. Go and take a last look at the flight deck before being sent away.

Kara didn’t wake Sam. He was asleep, so let him sleep. At the door, she stopped and returned to him, taking her blanket and draping it across his form. Gods, she thought, I really did marry an idiot, turning down a pillow and blanket like that. Crouched, she stretched out her hand, fingers almost touching his cheek before she jerked back and stood, hurrying to leave.

The hour was late -- or early depending on the point of view -- and she had the corridors to herself. There was no hectic rushing that the day hours generally brought. Oh, she passed people here and there, but not like during the day. The flight deck was quiet and shadowed. Kara felt a twinge of sadness as she found a spot and sat. Soon, she was lost in her thoughts. She reminisced, aching for what had been. What would her life be after this? If not a Viper pilot, then what was there for her? What could Kara Thrace do?

“Captain? You’re…uh…you’re in my spot.”

She looked up. Galen Tyrol stood over her. “Chief.” She shouldn’t be surprised to see him here, since this was his element, but she was. Why was he here so early? He looked tired and distracted. She wiped a finger under her eyes. Did he see the few tears there? “What’re you doing here?”

“Dad getaway moment. I needed some quiet. It was Cally’s orders.” One brow raised in a gesture of wry amusement. “I didn’t think anyone else would be here.”

“I’ll go.”

“No, stay.” He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “I’ll just go over there. You won’t know I’m here.” He began to walk away.

All of a sudden, Kara wanted company and his would do nicely. “Hey Chief, what do you mean by ‘your spot’?”

He stopped, turned back, scratching a finger along his jaw. “Well,” he began, returning. “It’s the one place you can sit and take in all the smells and sounds as a whole. The acoustics are right, the air flow…everything. In the quiet, like right now, there’s this sense of readiness, you know? Any second now we could be running our asses off and we are ready.”

“Expectation,” Kara murmured.

“When we are running, this spot right here is the eye of the storm and it is frakking beautiful. It all collides right here, like an out of time experience. For just a few seconds you can see everything.”

She understood the feeling, that sudden quick sense of seeing past, present, and future all surrounding the moment.

“Not literally see everything, but…yeah. It’s just beautiful.”

“I think I came here for that reason.” Maybe not the exact reason, but close enough. Here she was pondering her life. Her future.

He sat beside her. “Cally told me you’re gonna help her in the gym.”

“She asked nicely, what can I say?”

His smile was full of pride. “Yeah, she wants to get strong. I told her she’s strong already, but she doesn’t see it. She points out that she can’t bench anything and that she’s too out of shape to do a single sit-up or push-up.”

“I’ll whip her into shape, Chief.”

“Not too much shape, right? I like her how she is.”

“As much as she wants.”

There was silence for several minutes and then he glanced askance at her. “Do you…want to sit in your ship, Captain? Bond with it?”

Her brows raised. “Bond with it?” Leaning over, she sniffed loudly. “You tasting from the still, Chief?”

He chuckled. “No, not lately. I just thought you might miss it. A couple of the others did that first thing. I expected you to come down and then you didn’t. Surprised me a little.”

Kara didn’t reply, turning her gaze around the room, touching upon all of the things she was going to miss.

“You’ll be back any day though.”

She smiled, but it held more than a little sadness to it. “You know something I don’t?”

“The Fleet needs you. Give us one Cylon attack and you’ll be back here so fast all we’ll see is the back end of your Viper as you head out.” He stood. “Come on.”

She followed him and soon was sitting in the cockpit, sans suit and once more impatient to be flying. Chief Tyrol slipped away.

“Damn,” she whispered. “Waiting around sucks ass.”

Kara almost wished they had woken her up with their decision rather than let her sleep. This was the other shoe, wasn’t it? When would she know? How soon until she was called in and told her fate on Galactica? She touched the instrument panel, ran her fingers over the familiar gauges. In her mind’s eye, she saw herself in space, the explosion from the destruction of a Cylon Raider beautiful in her sightline. Kara sighed.

She looked up and saw Adama watching her from above, his hands on the railing. He was far enough away that she couldn’t see his expression. How long had he been watching? Climbing out, she began to walk to meet him but when she made her way up there, he was already gone.

She wandered aimlessly until it was time to meet Cally. The young woman was early for their meeting and while she was hesitant at first on the machines, Cally soon warmed up to them. Cally’s enthusiasm brought a genuine smile to Kara’s face as the hour went on and by the end of their time, Cally’s confidence had definitely seemed to increase. Maybe helping Cally wouldn’t be a chore.

Returning to the bunkroom, Kara discovered that Sam was gone and her blanket was folded neatly on her bed. She glanced at the time, sniffed at her shoulder, and thought about taking a shower while she got out a change of clothes. The previous morning weighed heavily upon her thoughts. What if it happened again? Dread sank sharp talons into her back and clung there. What if she woke hours from now like she had the day before? Knowing that she had been unaware of what had really transpired around her during that time sent a shiver up and down her spine. Kara licked her lips. Maybe she didn’t really need a shower. Maybe she could just wait until later. Bending her head, she held out the front of her shirt and sniffed it too. She grimaced. A shower was definitely needed and couldn’t be put off.

But what if she saw Leoben again? What if…. Indecision tore at her. She needed to bathe. The smart thing to do would be to have someone watch her, someone like Sharon, to make sure she got through the shower safely. The thought of asking someone to do that bothered her, like doing so would be saying she needed help, which she didn’t. Did she?

She sniffed again, nose wrinkling. “Frak,” Kara whispered. A quick glance showed her that time was running out. She did need help, at least for a few minutes. Her gaze swept over each curtain in turn, noting which were closed and which were open and one closed that indicated it’s pilot had finally slept after all. The same pilot she vaguely remembered hearing had found her and gotten help.

Before she could second guess herself, she went to Racetrack’s bunk and woke her. Racetrack had been there the day before, just like Sharon, and as there was no time to both find Sharon and shower before she had to report….

Kara didn’t want to ask; she had to. It was just this once. The memory of the day before was too fresh in her mind to ignore.

“Starbuck?” Racetrack yawned and rubbed her eyes. “What time is it? Did I oversleep? Gods, I did, didn’t I?”

“I’m on in half an hour.”

“Oh.” She shook her head as though trying to clear sleep from her mind. “Why are you waking me? I’ve still got time then.” Another yawn split her features and she struggled to sit up with her covers twisted about her body.

“I need to take a shower.”

Racetrack’s gaze was puzzled, her mouth open a fraction. “So….?”

Kara looked away. “Keep watch on me.” She put her hands on her hips, drummed her fingers. “Anything out of place.” The need for this was humiliating, but she gritted her teeth and forged on anyway. “Anything at all.”

There was quiet for a long moment and then a rustle of cloth. Racetrack touched her arm, bringing Kara’s attention back to her. “Like yesterday?”

“Yeah.” She hated the necessity of asking but if it happened again, she wanted someone to bring her out of it quickly. She wanted an out. “You saw what Sharon did, right?”

“Sure. No problem.”

The shower was only a shower, water and soap washing her body clean and Racetrack didn’t make conversation save a mention that she was going to get as much sleep as possible before dressing and going on duty. She was already back in bed with the curtain closed before Kara was half dressed.

Kara was one minute late for duty, but that could be argued by watch time if Lee wanted to argue. She greeted Hotdog and Kat and looked for Lee. She found Sharon instead, who excused herself from Helo and motioned for Kara to walk with her.

“You look well rested.” Sharon kept her voice pitched low and picked up a clipboard, handing it to Kara and leading her to one Viper.

“No bad dreams.” She clicked the pen on.

“That’s good news.”

“Sure.” Kara nodded. “Until they come back even worse.”

“It will get better, Kara.”

“Sure.” She rested the clipboard against her hip. “What did Cottle want?”

Sharon shrugged, watching her with a concerned stare. “Just to check you over; to know what exactly happened. He took your blood pressure, listened to your heartbeat, took your temperature.”

“And the other? What did he want?” Kara didn’t even pretend to be looking the Viper over.

“He asked us questions, mostly about your after reaction.”

“What did you tell him?”

Sharon tilted her head a little to one side. “The truth, Kara. I told him the truth and so did Lee.”

But what, she wondered, had been said by all? Her curiosity rose. “And?”

“And what? What is it you’re wanting to know?”

Touching her hand to the Viper, Kara shook her head. “Nothing. Never mind.” She gave a quick smile. “Thank you for yesterday.”

“You’re welcome.”

Kara retreated to work on the papers that had piled up since she’d missed the previous day’s shift. It seemed to her as though Lee -- and everyone else -- was saving all of the paperwork for her each day. As the minutes ticked by, she kept looking up for Lee, wondering what he would say when she saw him. How was he going to treat her now that he knew the truth? What would be different? It stood to reason that something would be different, though now that she thought about it, neither Sharon nor Racetrack had treated her differently this morning at all. She wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or a bad one.

Am I so frakked up that an hours long fugue state is considered a normal occurrence for me?

Finally, she saw Lee approaching. He had papers in his hands and an odd expression on his face that indicated he was struggling with something. How to treat her maybe?

“If you’re bringing me more paperwork, you can go frak yourself,” she told him in a cheerful tone.

Lee looked at her, his gaze moving over her face as though searching for...what? What was he seeking so intently to find? “Nope. Not paperwork.” His voice was distracted. “How are you this morning and I mean really, not the ‘I’m fine’ crap you’ve been giving everyone these days.”

Kara shrugged a shoulder. “I’ve had better days, but I’ve also had worse.”

His head dipped in a slow nod. “Okay.” He raised the papers. “For you.”

“What are they?”

“This,” he dropped a sheaf of papers in front of her, “is called a ‘written test’.”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes. “On what?”

“Procedures, things like that, and before you argue that you’re not on flight duty to try and get out of it, allow me to remind you that tests don’t count as duty.”

“Right. You,” she pointed at him, “are giving me,” her finger pointed at herself, “a test?”

“Sure.”

Kara flipped open the papers and snorted. “Frak, Lee, you could have at least changed the order of the questions. I wrote this test. What, did you just dig this out of the files five minutes ago?”

There was a smirk on his lips, but a shadow of concern remained in his eyes. “Then you’ll remember all the answers, won’t you?”

She gave him a pitying look. “Are you having to stretch this badly to find me things to do?”

“Nope.” He shook his head. “Let me know when you’re done.”

Kara wrote at length, expounding upon points in such precise detail that her answers resembled pages from a textbook. All of the written tests she’d put together for training were there stapled together. On the last page, however, was a question in Lee’s handwriting.

‘Are you up for flying? Why or why not? State in detail your reasons.’

She slapped the pen down and stared at the question until Lee came back. “What’s with this last question?”

He shrugged. “Thought I’d give you a chance to state your case. No one has asked you directly if you think can do your job, at least not that I’m aware of. Can you? Are you up for it?”

“Am I up for flying? What kind of a moronic question is that? You know damn well I’d be out there if I could and this,” she rattled the papers at him, “ is busy work.” She tossed them down. The pen rolled off the table. “I am up for flying.”

“Are you?” He glanced over his shoulder and moved close so that in theory no one would overhear. “What if you have another one of those…what did Athena call them?… flashback things?”

“I won’t. I won’t have one while flying.”

“Are you sure?”

“Very.”

“Why? Tell me why you think so.”

“Because…out there was the one place he was never with me. Because…I have to be out there. Because…I have to do something besides sit here and watch everyone else. Because…I am up for taking out as many of those frakking toasters as I can.” Kara crossed her arms on the table. “Is that good enough, Major?”

“What about the other pilots?”

“What about them? Will I kill them? Will I get them killed? Not intentionally. No more than you will.”

There was a shifting in his eyes, as though whatever he’d been concerned about had been addressed. Had he really thought she’d intentionally kill other pilots? Visions of those fights she’d started rose up. Perhaps she’d given him, and everyone else, good reason to think so.

Lee nodded. “Good. Suit up.”

“What?” Kara shook her head. “You’re putting me out sans permission to do so? That’ll go over well with the Old Man.”

“No, I’m putting you out because word just came down. The Old Man says you’re cleared. You passed your evaluation and he wants you out training and back up to speed as soon as possible. Forty minutes, Starbuck.” He stood up straight. “Welcome back and don’t be late. I will bust your ass for it like anyone else.”

Cleared? But there hadn’t been a final evaluation, only her last conversation with Sally. Kara watched Lee walk away and slowly got up from her chair. Adama had ordered her to have that initial evaluation and now he was ordering her back to flight duty? She couldn’t be more confused by it, but why look a gift horse in the mouth?