The Long Road Back

Chapter Seventeen: Tangled Web

~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow, once the truth had been given, Obi-Wan wasn't surprised by it. He supposed he should have been, but he wasn't. I should have seen it, he told himself. I should have noticed. "Anakin, how much control do you really have? Be honest."

Wiping his face, Anakin sighed. "More than I did yesterday and the day before and so on. It's like kicking an addiction. I have to take each day as it comes and there are both good and bad days. I am two people: me and him. Sometimes he's easy to ignore and other times I have to fight for control. But," he paused, looking at Obi-Wan, "my doctor has prescribed drugs for the symptoms which seem to help suppress Vader and there are mandatory therapy sessions along with various techniques designed to relieve anxiety and depression. It all comes down to one thing though. I am two people in one body. I'm me, Anakin. I'm also Vader, dark and twisted. I will struggle my entire life with it."

Obi-Wan thought about that. He didn't know much really about the condition. "How does the Force measure in to it? Or does it?"

"I was tempted, Vader was tempted. I was weak and Vader rose. I'm not trying to absolve myself of blame, Obi-Wan. I was wrong and I acted rashly. The easy road wasenticing. For awhile, Vader and I were mixed up together and by the time I realized I needed to back away, I couldn't. He had control and I was just along for the ride. Vader is all of my old hurts and angers and pain. He's my ambition and all the things that the dark side speaks to."

Anakin went silent, but Obi-Wan knew it was only so he could gather his thoughts. This purging of truth went far beyond the current situation. In the hours that had passed there in the lounge, Anakin had dredged up old pains, explaining to Obi-Wan how he'd felt all those years of being a Padawan.

"I am the Chosen One. Vader is the Dark Lord and just as powerful as I. We're dangerous, him and I, but there is a chance we could be reintegrated into one, like we once were. It'll be slow going and Doc says the process can be very painful, especially when one has unresolved issues right and left like I do."

The door opened, a head poking inside. "Sirs? It's time."

Obi-Wan nodded and stood, pausing on his way to the door when he realized Anakin wasn't behind him. He turned. Anakin had not moved, remaining seated with a strange expression on a face that had gone ashen. His breaths wheezed and Obi-Wan sensedpanic? Yes, that was panic. "Anakin, are you well?"

The man in the doorway stepped inside. "Sirs? May I be of assistance?"

It was quickly apparent that he wasn't well. Anakin shook his head, panic worsening, one hand splaying on his chest. "Can'tbreathe." Fear danced in his eyes.

Obi-Wan wondered at the fear and panic, both growing the longer Anakin gasped. He nodded in the rebel's direction. "Yes, I believe we do need assistance?" He ended the statement as a question, a query for the man's name.

"Ceslin."

"Ceslin, thank you. The quickest route to the infirmary, please."

"Medical is one floor up."

Together, they helped Anakin to the infirmary, Obi-Wan talking softly to him all the while, relating a funny story about Dormé and the Jawas as they walked. At least he thought it was funny and it did make Ceslin laugh. Soon Anakin was settled comfortably with an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. He'd had a panic attack, plain and simple. His coloring perked back up. Finally, he relaxed and briefly removed the mask.

"Thank you. I need you to contact my doctor for me, Obi-Wan. His name is Sonas and he's on Vader's ship. Give him an accounting of all that's happened since earlier. I'd like him to come to Coruscant." The mask was placed back over his face. His breaths were much better, but he wasn't going to be leaving the infirmary for awhile.

He trusts me, Obi-Wan thought. He trusts that I will bring his doctor to him. "I'll do what I can."

A short while later, he was informing Sonas of the situation.

"You're Obi-Wan?"

"Yes."

"And Anakin's wife Padmé is alive? They've already spoken face to face?"

"Yes. Not a long conversation, but a conversation nonetheless."

"Oh dear. I'll meet you on Coruscant as soon as I can. Be careful in what you say to him--"

"Anakin has apprised me of his condition already. He spent the past few hours doing so."

Sonas was silent a moment, then nodded. "And his wife?"

"I don't believe she knows as yet." Anakin hadn't spent much time with her.

"Do not answer her questions. I'll do so upon arrival."

The image winked out. Obi-Wan made the necessary arrangements with the rebels. They assumed Anakin needed his doctor for bodily reasons. Obi-Wan didn't see the need to enlighten them.

~~~~~~~~~~

Anakin breathed deeply of the oxygen. There was a tiny bit of medication mixed with it. Nicely calming. Had Obi-Wan known the reason for the panic attack? Had that been grasped? If Obi-Wan thought about it enough, he'd understand. Anakin had entertained sudden thoughts of being recognized as Vader, his imagination taking over until he'd had visions of being executed right there in the Senate chamber.

It wouldn't happen that way, not with Palpatine dead and Vader inside him. Still, the imagining had sent panic scurrying through his veins.

He sighed and began to look for something to distract him. That ended up being quite easy.

Dormé was in the next room. Anakin didn't need to see her to know that. The baby's crying said it all, as did her coaxing voice. Carefully getting up and gathering the tank to take with him, he went to the doorway and peeked in.

She was sitting up in bed, holding the baby and making outrageous promises. "If you go to sleep and quite crying, mommy will make sure you have the softest diapers. No? Okay, how about new clothes for every day of the week?" She made a noise of frustration. "How about a speeder, huh? I'll buy you a speeder with all the bells and whistles for your birthday."

The baby stopped crying. Anakin laughed.

She looked up, then smiled a bit sheepishly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Pretend you didn't hear that, okay?"

"Hear what? Bribing a baby, Dormé? And you own child at that."

"If it works," she relied, rocking just a bit. "They keep waking me up every hour or so, but he doesn't seem interested in eating, just crying." She glanced down at the bundle in her arms, then back at him. "Hey, do you want to hold him?"

Though he tried to refuse, using the oxygen and any other thing he could think of as an excuse, Dormé persisted until she had him settle on the edge of the bed with the child in his arms. The baby was light, weighing so little that it was like holding an empty blanket. "He doesn't weigh very much," he commented softly, lowering his voice so as not to disturb the now sleeping infant.

She snorted. "He weighs more than average I've been told and he's big for a newborn. I fed him well." Her voice was loving with the tiniest hint of pride. "I must have spent the last few months grazing, eating about fifteen little meals a day. Maybe that's why he isn't hungry," she said with a wry arch of one brow, "I over-fed him inside. Think that could be the case?"

Anakin nodded. "Sure."

She continued as though he hadn't said anything. "I never even considered that I'd get pregnant. Funny isn't it? You'd think both of us would have thought that one through, but something must not have been working right, because here we are: parents. It's the strangest process really, this baby growing inside. Bizarre to see a little hand or foot pressing outward."

She kept talking, faster and faster. She began with pregnancy and gradually slipped into her marriage to Obi-Wan, or 'Ben' as he'd apparently begun calling himself. Anakin lost track of what she was saying and as long as he nodded or made a little noise now and then, she was content to keep speaking. How did she talk that fast, he wondered? Was it some talent she'd honed or was it natural? He'd never heard anyone speak that fast before. It was amazing. Could anyone learn how to do it?

"Right?" She laughed, then squared an expectant gaze his direction.

"Um" Was he supposed to answer? How could he when he had no idea what she'd been talking about?

Behind him came Obi-Wan's voice. "Are you feeling better, Anakin?"

"Much." He handed the baby back to Dormé. "Were you looking for me?"

Obi-Wan's eyes glinted with amusement. "Actually, I was. Excuse us, my love. Anakin, they're ready for us now."

Anakin gladly left the oxygen tank and chatty Dormé behind. "Has she always been so talkative," he asked as they made their way to the shuttle. "I don't recall hearing much from her when she worked for Padmé."

"She was working. During work hours she restrained herself, but on private time. My wife is blessed with the ability to talk without breathing."

"Palpatine could do that, but he never spoke so fast. He simply spoke at long length, like those four hour speeches he used to give as Chancellor. He once had me kneel for over six hours while he raged over some imagined failure. I....Vader could barely stand when he was done."

They went up the ramp and found Padmé waiting for them. She'd borrowed clothes from someone and looked very pretty in the green outfit, stunning even in his opinion. Anakin let himself admire her for a few brief seconds, then turned his attention to the rebel in charge. The plan was to inform the Senate of what had occurred and bring out Palpatine's body as proof. There would be discussion, but Anakin didn't need to remain for it if he didn't wish.

Obi-Wan declined appearing in the Senate chamber, as did Padmé. Anakin looked at her again. She met his eyes a moment, blushed, then turned her face away. Interesting reaction, but he didn't have time to ponder it as they landed.

~~~~~~~~~~

He thought he couldn't know their children. Padmé thought otherwise.

Her chat with Dormé had put things in perspective. She couldn't expect to pick up her relationship with Anakin for they had both changed during their time apart, time shaping them differently than it would have if they'd been together. Dormé advised taking the relationship slowly. Surely Padmé remembered the pace at which Dormé and Ben had inched along learning of each other? Did she really think it wise to jump back in without nice long talks and the like? What basis was physical attraction for a long standing relationship? There had to be more.

As usual, Dormé's council was sound, but made Padmé wistful due to the presence of the still unnamed baby her friend held. She and Ben seemed to be in no hurry to name the boy, still squabbling good-naturedly over the name. As Dormé explained, she wanted to use her father's name 'Tellan', but Ben didn't like it, said it clashed with Kenobi. They were having a marvelous time with the name process and she didn't think it was going to be long before she won the argument.

Padmé privately thought the two were drawing it out because they were sad the pregnancy and birth were over.

She walked about the corridors, now without a guard. Apparently, the rebels had decided she was trustworthy. Her walk did her good as well. The mild exercise gave her a chance to clear her thoughts and formulate a plan of her own. If Anakin thought he wouldn't know his own children, then he was wrong. He was going to know themeven if he didn't know it was them. She thought she could get both the Lars and Organas to agree to visit.

Smiling and pleased with her idea, Padmé found the shuttle that would take them to the surface and settled down to wait.

~~~~~~~~~~

This had to qualify as the most terrifying day of his life.

Anakin walked with the rebels and Padmé and Obi-Wan into the Senate building. He'd been in here many times since Mustafar and each time he'd been in the suit, imprisoned inside Vader. Palpatine had redecorated the entire building in his own tastes, which primarily included copies of ancient Sith statues and the color red.

Their entrance was made as a military maneuver with Palpatine's body being toted along in the center of their group. Word of their arrival spread quickly down the length of the reception hall and into the main chamber. Just inside the entrance to the chamber he felt the surge of Vader rising inside him.

Look at them, Anakin. Don't shut me out yet. Listen to me. They're begging for guidance, all of them. It's natural they look to us. The rebels, the empire. All looking to us. Anakin Skywalker, legend and Chosen One, beloved by a galaxy. The returned hero, delivering them from cruel tyranny.

As the group moved forward, Anakin glanced up. So many systems represented, all under Palpatine's order. Ready for a new leader.

It could be me, he thought.

Us, Vader whispered.

I could make this galaxy

...what I want it to be....

He shuddered as his thoughts coincided with Vader's, so violently that two men moved to restrain him.

"I'm fine," he told them, assuring them he wasn't having convulsions, only an attack of nerves. But was he fine? Vader prowled beneath the surface of him, unceasing in his cajoling promises, sensing that old weakness of Anakin's: power.

What did the dream of power lose me, he asked.

Nothing, Vader returned. Padmé is alive and we're looking better than ever.

We may look fine, but inside we're more than messed up.

Says who? That quack doctor? Obi-Wan? Padmé? Vader practically spit out both their names.

I say and no one else.

Anakin looked up again, noticing startled glances from those near this level. He was certain he'd finally been recognized as Vader, but no, he began to hear 'Skywalker' whispered until those whispers became confused murmurs ringing the room and echoing.

As he stepped up to Palpatine's usual box, he realized for the first time the full extent of Palaptine's Sith persuasion upon the Senate. He'd enchanted them all, for lack of a better word to describe it. He'd bent their minds one by one and once done with them, he'd turned on them and left them powerless and unable to fight back. When the truth had surfaced, it had been too late for them.

He waited until quiet descended, then announced in a loud voice, "The Emperor and Darth Vader are dead. Palpatine's body has been brought with us to be viewed. Upon his deaththere is no heir."

Do it, Anakin. Take control. Tell them we'd be glad to lead them into a new age.

"This Empire is dissolved. Govern yourselves." He gave the box to the rebel leaders that had come with them and strode towards the doors.

Would the Senate recover? Would the galaxy? Eventually, yes, and he would not have anything to do with it. He'd tasted the kind of power Palaptine had lured him with and that Vader kept pressing at him and found it bitter ashes. What use was unlimited power when you lost everything dear in the process?

Head high and a smile lingering, Anakin left the Senate to it's own ends.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sonas waited directly before the doors to the Senate chambers. He'd arrived as quickly as possible, positioning himself in the main line of sight and asked the two waiting to stay on the side. He'd hoped to have a few minutes with all of them before Anakin went in to the Senate chamber, but that hadn't occurred.

Padmé was afraid. He'd seen the glint of fear in eyes that were every bit as pretty as Anakin had described. She wondered and worried what could be wrong with her husband that he'd have his doctor brought in.

"You're not a physician, are you," she'd asked, and he'd not given her a full answer. He'd had time to consider this during his traveling. They needed to have joint sessions with Anakin -- counseling -- to work through buried issues, though if Anakin had told Obi-Wan so much already, those two had a good start on the road to recovering their friendship.

It was Anakin's relationship with Padmé that worried him.

From all he'd been told, Sonas had formed a view that was not favorable. As a boy, Anakin had latched on to her as a mother substitute, having just left his mother for an uncertain and undoubtedly frightening future. He'd not forgotten Padmé over the next decade, turning her in his thoughts, putting her up on a pedestal as a perfect angel. On meeting her again, he'd been ripe for the feminine affection Padmé herself still held for him. His thoughts on her had shifted. He desired her and yet, according to his understanding of the Jedi Code he'd sworn to live by, he could not fulfill that desire. She was out of reach. Anakin wouldn't accept that, risking all to have her in a legal marriage, bound to him so that she could never leave him.

But she had left, and now to find she had not died after all?

Oh, the issues from that alone!

Then, there was Padmé herself. On the outside, she was well adjusted. However, her actions hinted at personal fears and doubts, wants and longings that she'd had suppressed. After all, she had ignored the killing of a tribe of Tusken Raiders and proceeded to marry Anakin while knowing there would be pain if they were found out.

Anakin had filled him in on her life, how young she'd been upon entering the political arena. She'd had little of a true childhood, being an exceptional and extremely intelligent girl. Padmé had been thrust into an adult world long before she should have been for normal development, leaving her stunted in personal growth. It was taxing for a child to behave as an adult, many sacrifices made on personal levels. Padmé hadn't had the time for the emotional rites of passage most teenagers went through until she and Anakin had met again. She'd fallen into teenaged infatuation and called it love, just like Anakin.

Sonas sighed. He supposed the two could honestly love each other. He'd need to observe them interacting with each other to form a more accurate picture of them -- which he planned to do. He allowed that he could be seeing their relationship in entirely the wrong light and for Anakin's sake, he fervently hoped he was.

Anakin strode from the Senate chambers and paused on seeing him, his lips stretching into a wide grin. "I did it, Doc! I ignored the lure! He was trying to convince me and II shut him out!" His laugh was nearly giddy with happiness.

"I'm very proud of you, Anakin. You've come a long way in the past months."

Anakin's head turned as he caught sight of his wife and friend off to the side. The smile faded just a bit. "Well, that's done. What do we do now, Doc?"

Motioning for Ben and Padmé to join them, he outlined his plan to them all. Individual and joint session counseling, a 'friends and family' approach to Anakin's condition. He'd still meet with Anakin alone, but also Padmé and Ben alone in order to smooth out transition wrinkles. He didn't think Anakin needed too much change too quickly. They all needed eased back together, with a good dosing of joint counseling sessions. He would prefer it if all would settle on Coruscant for the first few months for easier meeting.

They agreed to a group session in one week.

~~~~~~~~~~

He dealt with the mind. Padmé mulled that over a moment, then looked at Ben. He was suspiciously calm and accepting. "You know what Anakin's condition is, don't you? You already know."

His head dipped in a slow nod. "Yes. Anakin and I had a long talk on the way here."

Why hadn't Anakin said anything to her? They'd talked. He could have mentioned he was ill. Padmé bit her lip, chewed it a moment. She considered what he'd said in those letters. Not once had he indicated he had something seriously wrong with his brain that would require his doctor with him. She knew about the SAD, of course, but this? What exactly hadn't Anakin told her? Worry rose inside her for all the things she knew possible. There were so many things that could happen to the brain alone. "Tell me."

Ben's gaze was apologetic. "I'm sorry, Padmé. Anakin wishes to tell you himself. I cannot. It's not my place to do so."

She crossed her arms. "You'd tell me he tuned to the dark side, but you won't tell me this? At least tell me if it's life threatening."

"Padmé. Don't. Your politician word tricks will not make me tell you. I can say nothing."

With a glance towards the door, she swallowed hard. His refusal to say anything did not calm her worries. "He's dying, isn't he?" It made sense in a way. His refusal to see their children, to have her tell them he loved them. Using Vader as an excuse. Oh, Ani, she thought. Have I found you only to lose you?

Exasperation crossed Ben's features. He relented enough to say, "No, he's not dying. You're overreacting. Listen to what he has to say."

Before she could ask more, Anakin came from the chamber. He was pleased by what had occurred, greeting his doctor with enthusiasm. Padmé let a wistful smile turn her lips. The last time she'd seen Anakin so happy was.

Padmé shook her head. There would be many more happy moments in the future if she had anything to say about it. When Sonas called them over, she made certain she was as committed as Anakin for whatever was needed. Individual meetings? Fine. Couples counseling? Wonderful. Group sessions? When can we begin?

Anakin took her hand, squeezed it gently.

She smiled up at him, pleased to see some of the worry that had taken root in his eyes disappear.

We can do this, she decided. We will do this.