Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains

Chapter 3

Timeframe: Back on Galactica now, but still straying from canon.

Rating: M for rape and torture

Disclaimer: No disrespect meant to the creators of Battlestar Galactica.

Notes: It bothered me that Sam seemed rather indifferent to Kara after their return to Galactica and the Kacey deal. That and in Collaborator. He just didn’t seem like a man who really missed and loved his wife, though I think we’re supposed to think he did miss her and does love her. Also, this work is strictly from Kara’s POV, what she perceives as happening in the state she has come to be in due to Leoben.

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We all need lessons from time to time. You’re no different. This pain you’re feeling…. It’s aching and so blinding you can barely think.

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Kara saw to Kacey before she did anything else, finding a place to sleep and settling Kacey in. She told Sam to watch her, ignoring the confused expression on his face. He didn’t seem to understand and she was too tired to explain it to him. She suspected he still wouldn’t believe when she did explain. It would take him time to believe it. It had taken her time and she had grown to feel an affection for Kacey, not just a need to protect her.

She went to take a shower, stripping off her blood splattered clothes and stepping beneath the spray. Blood didn’t always come out of cloth. No matter how many times she washed them, there’d always be the ghost of Leoben’s blood, visible only because she knew where too look for it. Kara twisted under the spray, stretching, enjoying the water on her body and taking her time washing.

It had been a very long time since she’d been able to enjoy a shower without wondering if Leoben was going to walk in and watch her. He’d liked to catch her off-guard, to twist everything she considered normal in any way he could. He’d made her life in captivity a foul bastardization of a normal marriage -- the affectionate names he used for her, the intimate dinners he put together, and more. Always more. She had begun trying to time her showers for when he could be gone for hours.

…her feet slipping on the water, Leoben’s hands gripping her arms so tightly that the bruises were black the next day. Trying to reach something, anything to make him stop….

The shampoo bottle dropped from fingers that were suddenly nerveless and icy. Kara stood hugging herself, looking down at the bruises on her arms. They were so dark that they looked painted on her skin -- or tattooed there, permanent marks that announced his stain upon her. They would heal however, fading slowly from black to purple and lighter to yellow, until they disappeared altogether. The bruises Leoben left always took longer to heal because he gripped too hard, but they were hardly permanent. Kara gasped, stomach clenching and looked around the stall, then out into the room, certain someone was there. It was both a reflexive motion and habit. No one was watching her and those in the room weren’t even looking her way. Still, she didn’t feel safe. Wasn’t home supposed to be safe?

Slowly, she knelt, retrieving the bottle. The chill in her fingers spread through her body. Kara trembled. Steam rose around her and she twisted the knob on the cold water, turning it down until she could feel the heat. Her skin reddened. The shower wasn’t as relaxing as she’d thought. Kara hurried to finish and then to dry, hissing a little when she pressed too hard on the bruises along her waist and rear. Dressing as quickly as she could, she returned to Sam and Kacey.

“Thanks. I needed a shower.” Kara sat in a chair and began to comb through her hair. Water dripped from the ends.

Sam was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at Kacey, who was sleeping. “Yeah.” She heard him draw in a long breath. “She’s cute, Kara.”

“Thank the gods she took after me and not him.” She worked the comb through a snarl, slanting an affectionate glance towards Kacey.

Sam nodded, then stood, closed the curtain, and took the chair beside her. He leaned over, forearms on his thighs and voice low. “About that…. You’re taking this mother thing a little far, don’t you think?”

“Mother thing?” She stopped combing, looked at him long enough to see the concern in his eyes and slammed the comb onto the table. “It’s not a thing. She’s my child.”

“We’ll find her mother, Kara. You won’t have to --”

“I’m her mother. You think I’m going to give her away? She’s mine to care for and I’m good at it, okay? No matter where she came from, she’s mine to raise.”

He made a noise of frustration. “You are not her mother.”

“I am.”

“Okay.” He sat back, crossing his arms. “Explain to me how that’s possible.”

Taking a deep breath, she began, but no sooner had she mentioned the farm and her ovary, he was shaking his head, interrupting her.

“No, no, no. Think about it. The timing is all wrong. Even if they did use your ovary, she’s too old. Kacey is too old. Kara, look at her.”

“I have looked at her. I’ve been looking at her for weeks, Sam.” She glanced towards the curtain. When Leoben had brought Kacey, she’d had doubts. She couldn’t be wrong on this. Even Leoben couldn’t be that cruel. Could he? “You’re wrong,” she whispered. It hurt too much to think that all of her affection for the girl could go crashing down around her. “She’s my daughter.”

“He lied to you. They lie, that’s what they do.” Sam ran a hand through his hair. “Why are you believing his fiction?”

Kara clasped her hands together, slid them between her legs. Her hands were shaking, icy. “Because he told me truth once.” She licked her lips. “Twice,” she corrected herself. “His…visions came true.” She’d held Leoben, told him she loved him and even at one point doubted that her hatred for him was real. She had contemplated for the space of a single second that perhaps, on some level, she did love him. His vision had come true. The embrace, the kiss, the words. All true no matter how they had come about.

“What visions? What are you talking about?”

She shook her head. “Never mind.”

“No, talk to me. We’ve got to talk about all this.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Kara stood, reached for the curtain. “I’m going to bed.”

Sam didn’t try to squeeze in with the two of them and Kara was glad. She laid her head on the pillow and prayed for pleasant dreams.

The morning brought a woman in to see her, a woman Kacey reached for immediately and who identified herself as Kacey’s mother. Sam had found her less than an hour earlier. Kara sat frozen on the bed edge as the woman explained her pain of loss when Kacey was taken from her. It was the Cylons, she said. The Cylons came and took her one day. There was an effusive use of ‘thank-you’ in the words that penetrated Kara’s mind and she bit her lip as the woman carried Kacey to the door and stopped to speak with Sam.

Kara looked at him. She could hear him talking to the woman, explaining how he’d been certain Kacey’s mother could be found. A sense of betrayal swept over her. Her own husband had refused to believe her. What else would he refuse to believe? That sense quickly became a double-edged dagger, thrusting into her body as violently as she’d stabbed her captor on New Caprica.

Leoben had lied to her. He’d brought Kacey in and Kara had believed him. There was no child. She was not, after all, a mother. He had made her believe and now Kacey was being taken away. She knew she should be happy for Kacey’s sake, right?

And as for Sam….Emotions welled up, fast and churning, inside her and she choked them down. It didn’t matter that he had been wholly correct. He had not believed her at all.

He still talked to Kacey’s mother and all she wanted to do at the moment was ram her fist into his face. Kara hugged herself and squeezed her eyes shut. Leoben was the root of this, but Sam was right here.

The betrayal dagger kept dipping into her flesh, a violation every bit as painful as physical violence, and with each thrust, Kara’s back bowed a bit more. Her shoulders slumped and her jaw ached from holding back sobs. Kacey was not hers and all of those things she’s begun to look forward to were ripped away. Who am I now, she thought. Not Starbuck, not really Kara and now no longer a mother? Who am I then? Am I a wife? Can I even be that person anymore?

How long she sat there she didn’t know. Her thoughts turned round and round in feverish circles. She fully expected Sam to come to her when he finished chatting with the woman. He would pretend to soothe her and sympathize even as he thanked the gods that he didn’t have to be a daddy.

Leoben had enjoyed the role of father, even relished it.

Kara opened her eyes. She expected something from Sam. He would try to hold her and perhaps kiss her. Her gaze raised, lips parting to tell him to go away.

Sam and the woman taking Kacey were gone. Kara was alone in the room. She swallowed hard and put her head in her hands. Her loving husband had not stopped to insist they talk later. He had not stopped to hug her or kiss her. Her loving husband -- who knew of her affection for Kacey and knew how this would hurt -- had abandoned her. No words, no touch, just… ‘I found her, Kara. Kacey’s mother.’ when bringing the woman in. He dropped a bomb and left.

At least Leoben had watched the fallout from his bombs. He had stayed and he had claimed to love her. Sam did not stay. How could he claim to love her?

Kara frowned. Something in her reasoning seemed skewered, but she couldn’t quite figure out what. Standing, she decided to try and eat. She wasn’t really hungry, but eating was normal. Eating was the right thing to do at certain times, even if she wasn’t hungry. Breakfast, lunch, dinner and two light snacks. Normal. She was going to behave normally.

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A few days later, Kara decided she needed to at least try and sleep properly. Sitting in the chair with her head on the table wasn’t cutting it. She was going to have to sleep somewhere and the only place was with her husband. All other beds were filled.

The room slowly quieted, the lights dimming. Kara watched all of the people settle in for the night. There were a few coughs and the whispers of conversations. Behind her, she heard Sam clear his throat.

“Coming to bed?”

“Later.”

“You need to sleep, Kara.” When she didn’t reply, he sighed. The light he had on snapped out. “Join me when you’re ready, I guess.”

Was she ready? Kara turned her head, saw that Sam had closed the curtain. She let herself imagine following him to bed. She’d lie beside him and put her head on his shoulder as she used to do. He would hold her in his arms and tell her everything was okay. He would kiss her and touch her…and the thought of letting him actually put his hands on her had her running to toss up her last meal.

When all of the contents of her stomach had been purged, she rinsed out her mouth and thought a moment on how go about this. She had to sleep. A body could only go for so long without sleep and she had reached her limit. I’m strong, she thought. I can do this. He’s my husband. I can climb in bed with him. It’s not like I’ve never done that before. A wife needs her husband, right? A wife sleeps with her husband. No, she decided. I need a drink first. Someone has to have some booze on this ship.

She wasn’t going to make a habit of it. It was just for tonight -- a little liquor to dull her mind so she could rest -- and once she was actually there with Sam, she’d have no problem staying there. Right? He would comfort and anchor her in the present.

It was several hours later that she crawled into bed with him, her vision only a tad blurry and an alcohol heat in her body. He was obviously pleased by the gesture, embracing her as she’d thought he would, murmuring loving words as he helped her climb across him. Kara laid back, Sam moving closer, his body pressing against hers.

-- Leoben stroking her skin as she lay drugged beside him, kissing her, touching her, taking advantage of that state. His lips dragging across her skin, caressing her wounded shoulder. His whispers containing loving words --

Nausea twisted in her stomach and she swallowed the need to retch. Kara raised her hands, pushed at Sam. “No. Get off me.” He was too close, too male, too there. “Damn it, get off!”

He turned on the light. “Kara --”

“Said get off me,” she slurred, shoving him until he sat up and slid a few inches away. Kara grabbed for the sheet and blanket, dragging them over her. “Don’t touch me. I don’t want you to touch me.”

“Okay.” He was quiet a moment, shifting on the bed. “You snuggled up to me, Kara. What was I supposed to think? You used to do that, remember?”

“Get out.” Kara shuddered at the feel of his leg brushing hers. “Just…don’t touch me right now.” His body seemed to fill the space, looming over her. She scooted closer to the wall, pressing herself tight to it.

“You’re over-reacting. Relax. I won’t touch you if that’s what you want.” Sam smoothed the blanket. “Go to sleep.”

A short harsh bark of laughter left her. “I’m what? You want me to what? Frak you, get out! Get out of my bunk.”

“Our bunk. We’ve got to talk about --”

“Get out,” she said, reaching across to the curtain and pulling it, being as careful as she could so as not to touch him. “Here’s the exit.” Kara hurried to put herself with her back again to the wall, legs drawn up, ready to kick if needed.

He took in her position and sighed. “I don’t believe this. Are you going to physically kick me out if I don’t go?” With a shake of his head, he left the bed, then leaned down. “I think you need more than sleep, Kara. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Go,” she whispered.

In the darkness, alone, Kara finally let her tears come and fell asleep exhausted and cold.