Title: The Dilemma of Human Investment

Chapter: Three

~~~~~~~~~~

Jimmy dropped into Risa’s chintz print overstuffed chair. Cas didn’t wonder how she knew it was chintz, nor did she question the thought that Jimmy’d better not put his feet on the coffee table. “This idea you had for me to spend a week with Amelia and Claire?” He leaned his head back and smiled. “Best idea ever.”

“You enjoyed your time with them?” The idea had been an afterthought really, more along the lines of a place she could put Jimmy where he’d actually stay put.

“Especially Amelia. You know, Castiel, to be blunt, I’d almost forgotten just how good sex feels.”

She snorted. “Tell me about it.” The time with Dean had been an eye opener.

Jimmy opened his mouth, then closed it, shaking his head. “Umm…. So can I ask where you were all week? I mean, surely you didn’t spend it just sitting here all by yourself while I was with them. You had something planned, right?”

“I spent it with Dean.”

“With Dean. Dean Winchester?”

“Yes.” She smiled a little, remembering those final hours with him. “I spent it with Dean.”

“How’d that go?” His gaze turned speculative.

“Why do you ask?”

“No reason.” He shrugged. “Just that Dean seemed like the kind of guy who really ‘appreciates’ beautiful women and the woman you’re in is extremely beautiful.”

Heat flared on her cheeks. She knew what he was asking and as she hesitated, that speculation in Jimmy’s eyes turned into a knowing gleam. “Are you implying something?”

“Castiel.”

“Jimmy?”

He smiled and uttered a short laugh. “Well, I thank you for not doing that with him in my body. Can you please keep it that way?”

She tucked her hair behind her ears. “I don’t know what you’re referring to.”

Sitting up, Jimmy leaned forward. “Yeah, you do, but whatever. You want to deny it, go ahead. Are we doing this vessel thing or you going to play out this whole ‘Awakenings’ bit for awhile?”

“Awakenings bit?” She shook her head, uncertain what he meant by that. It was a comment of the type Dean would make, which was frustrating and made her want to leave in a snit and go back to the motel without making this switch. “I don’t understand the reference.”

“Never mind. Are you staying in her or not?”

“We’re doing the vessel thing, as you call it.” Lips tightening in an annoyed line, she stretched out her hand only to draw it back at the last second. “You knew I’d had sex with Dean. How did you know?”

“Didn’t know for sure until just now, but you’re not exactly good at hiding it.”

“Explain.”

“Look, Castiel, there’s nothing to explain. You obviously had some kind of sexual awakening with Dean and that’s great -- for you.” He nodded once. “And maybe for that woman, too. I don’t know. I don’t care, just keep it confined to her body, alright?”

“It was a one-time experience.”

Jimmy sat back again. “Don’t do that. Don’t try to go back to how things were,” he warned. “You aren’t going to be able to, not with that between you. Sex changes everything.”

“Dean and I agreed.” They had agreed. Castiel would go back to Jimmy’s body and that would be that. No more Risa, no more sex. “There’ll be no change because we agreed there wouldn’t be.”

He nodded, expression indicating that he didn’t believe her. “Sure. Not in my body, though. Remember that, please?”

“Of course.”

Jimmy evaded her hand by turning sideways in the chair and getting up. “No ‘of course’ about it, Castiel. I don’t have to let you back in. I know that. I could say no and you’d have to either stay in her or find another vessel.”

She sighed impatiently. This topic had already been covered. “I’ll remember it, Jimmy,” she insisted. “You’re my vessel, not Risa or any other. And you know as well as I do that you’re only safe as yourself for brief periods. Demons will continue to look for you. You’re safest with me for the long term.”

He sat back down. “I just want things to be crystal for you.”

Touching his temple, Castiel transferred herself back into Jimmy and became himself again. It took a moment to reorient himself to the male body. Immediately, it was clear that the explosive array of emotions he’d felt were obviously a side-effect of Risa, as he felt calm and in control once more. There were no bewildering physical sensations or odd thoughts.

Castiel spoke to Risa for a few minutes, then left her to go be by himself and think about all that had happened.

~~~~~~~~~~

They’d agreed to forget their two days together. The problem was, Dean wasn’t forgetting those days. At night, he dreamed of Castiel in Risa’s body, reliving all of those intimate moments in full detail, from her initial shyness to that final boldness that had left Dean gasping for breath.

For nearly a week, he waited for Castiel to return, wondering what Cas back in Jimmy’s body was going to bring them. How much were things really going to change? He’d sworn they wouldn’t, but it was a stupid thing to swear. After all they’d done together in bed, surely Castiel didn’t actually believe him that things wouldn’t change? Sex changed everything. Always did.

Was Cas going to be all touchy-feely? Was Dean himself? Was he going to look at Castiel in Jimmy’s body and feel all those things he’d begun feeling for Cas?

As the days went by without a sign of him, or even a reappearance of her, Dean began to worry that those two nights had freaked Cas out to the point of no return and that he wasn’t going to come back at all. He sweated out the days, pretending to Sam that Castiel’s absence was normal.

When Castiel did appear, he didn’t do so right beside him like he usually did. Instead, he appeared across the room, now back in Jimmy’s body. He leaned against the low dresser, arms crossed over his chest, and a wary expression upon his face. “Dean.”

“Cas.” Dean turned off the tv and set the remote down. Was that physical distance between them conscious? Had Castiel intentionally materialized there? “Thought you were coming right back. Where’ve you been the past few days?” He felt wary himself, looking at Cas and trying to decide if he was feeling any of what he’d felt.

“I needed time to think on what happened between us, time while I was not in an overly emotional female.”

“Oh. Is…” He cleared his throat. “Is she okay?”

“Of course. I left her in excellent condition.”

“No, I mean…. Did she remember anything?”

“No, though she did call it ‘one helluva trippy ride’ and told me that if I had need of her in the future that she’d consent to be my vessel again.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. She said it was a rush.”

“You mean to tell me she liked being a vessel?” He frowned. That was strange. “Is she a masochist, because Jimmy said --”

“The experience appears to be different for women. At least I think it is. I’d have to find another woman vessel and take the same amount of time inside her to know for sure. Maybe find a few women vessels as a control group --”

“If it’s so different and not ‘like being chained to a comet’ as Jimmy put it, then why aren’t there more female vessels? I mean, we’ve seen a few, but there are obviously more male vessels running around that are being used.”

“I have a theory on that.”

“Course you do.” It was almost expected that Cas would have a theory, bookish little angel he was.

“I believe it has something to do with the emotional and hormonal factors of the feminine mind and body.” His expression was earnest, like he’d discovered something no one else was aware of. “Men and women are different, Dean.”

“No! I had no idea.”

“I believe that there are fewer female vessels because they were bred out of the lines due to those factors. While women are still necessary to the lines for obvious reasons, I believe they’ve become simply the provider of the egg. It’s the male that determines the sex of a child and whether or not the child is a potential vessel. With the propensity towards male vessels within a line, there’s little chance of female vessels occurring unless recessive traits combine to become….” He trailed off and shrugged. “It’s only a theory and I don’t currently have access to the list of filled and available vessels to do a full study of the male to female ratio --”

“Basically, most women get an out because they’re women.” He moved to stand beside Cas, his own arms crossed, feeling slightly relieved that he wasn’t wanting to toss Cas against the wall and have at him.

“Yes. I was able to take Risa as a vessel and she’s a separate line from Jimmy. Going on the assumption that all female vessels are potentially as emotional and sensitive as she is, it’s easy to see who Zachariah didn’t like at all.”

“Why him?”

“Because he handed out many vessel assignments, told us which vessels to speak with.” He glanced at Dean. “However, I could be wrong and the emotional factor I felt is related to the bloodline. I’m uncertain how stepping into a vessel that’s not of the appropriate bloodline would affect an angel. It could be that as well. Again, I’d need a control group to examine the issue fully.”

“Ah.” Dean studied him. While Castiel seemed like his pre-Risa self, there was a hesitancy in his overall manner, like he retained some of that embarrassment he’d admitted feeling on that park bench. “You seem different today.”

“I’m myself again.”

Dean scuffed one foot against the floor in an attempt at a casual gesture. “Any…physical urges towards me?”

Castiel turned his head to look at him, that stare searing through him. It seemed hours passed before he replied, “No. I feel no sexual attraction to you the way I did in Risa’s body.”

“Oh. Good, ‘cause, you know, you’re a dude again and….” Okay, he had to admit to himself that he was dying to know what Cas thought about the whole experience having had that time to think about it. He sighed, nodded once and blurted out his query before he could think to stop it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“What did you think? Be honest. I mean, now that you’ve had time to think about it all. How, uh, how was I?”

Sam paused in the act of reaching to push open the door. Dean’s voice was nervous, hesitant, and hushed. The silence that followed the question felt weighted, and Sam cocked his head, listening for a reply. Just when he’d decided Dean was on the phone, Castiel’s voice sounded. It was equally as nervous, hesitant and hushed in tone as Dean’s had been.

“I…have no basis for comparison, Dean. Having never engaged in sexual activity before, I can’t give an accurate evaluation of your prowess. However, I did greatly enjoy the experience.”

Sam’s mouth dropped open.

“You did?”

“I believe my enjoyment of the act was obvious. Especially the second time. And the times after that.”

Dean cleared his throat and whatever he said next was muffled.

Sam retreated to the nearest bar that was open. Over a couple of beers, he pondered this development. Dean and Castiel. He shuddered. Dean and Castiel having sex. He shuddered again and ordered a shot of whiskey.

How had that happened?

Was it the fiasco with Lisa that precipitated it? Had Dean’s definition of normal changed that drastically? Or was it something else? Had this been on the horizon for awhile and Sam simply hadn’t noticed it?

Thinking back, he tried to find clues that would lead to this conclusion, but other than Castiel’s thoroughly justified confusion on the vagaries of proper human behavior, there wasn’t much. Sure, he stood a little too close, but angels didn’t understand personal space, right? And they really had no concept of privacy. Right? Maybe it was just that Castiel was still confused about some things? But if that was the case, wouldn’t Dean have said something, like a forceful, ‘Geez, dude, I’m into chicks, okay?’. Sam didn’t really see Castiel seducing Dean, so it had to have been Dean who’d seduced….

He shook his head. No, no, no. He wasn’t going to go through the day with thoughts of that going through his mind. No. Sam refused.

Thinking about it was giving him a headache.

“There you are, Sam.” Dean slapped him on the back and commandeered the barstool beside him. “We’ve been looking for you. You never came back to the room.” He jerked his thumb behind him. “Look who’s back.”

A glance showed Castiel standing a little too close to Dean like usual. The close contact held different connotations now than it had before, no longer innocent. The mental picture he got made him shudder again and he flashed a weak smile in their direction before ordering another shot and drinking it down.

“Are you all right, Sam,” Castiel asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“Yeah, sure, I’m fine. I’m…yeah.”

“You sure you’re sure about that, Sammy?” Dean drummed his fingers on the bar. “You’re acting kind of spazzy. Not like you to drink at ten in the morning. What’s up?”

He let out a laugh. “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” The puzzled glance Dean and Castiel exchanged no longer seemed buddy-like, but rather an intimate sharing of thoughts and Sam snickered again. “Oh man…. Here I thought this life was going to be easier, because hey, you go through the Apocalypse and come out the other side alive, man you can face anything.”

Dean made a motion with one hand at the bartender. “Okay, Sammy, time to cut you off.”

There was only one thing he could do, wasn’t there?

He’d have to show Dean that he was fully supportive of his lifestyle choices, even if it was freaking him out more than a little at present.

Yup, he’d be supportive.

He found the nearest gay bar that night, playing navigator in the passenger seat when they went out. There was nothing obvious about the bar, not even the name. Inside, there was a full crowd, men and women both. He swallow his own discomfort and do this for Dean. They found a place to sit.

Dean turned out to be very popular, which didn’t really surprise Sam, as he was just that kind of guy. What surprised him was how popular he himself turned out to be, although unlike Dean, he refused the drink offers sent over to their table, not wanting to give the wrong idea that he was interested.

“Turning down free beers? Are you nuts?” Dean accepted beer after beer and a few shots as well, then turned to take a closer look at the blond that was sending him drinks.

His affable, friendly smile faded and he slid the beer away. “This is a gay bar, isn’t it, Sam?”

“Yup. I’ll be supportive of your lifestyle choices, man, even if it means…this.”

Dean stared at him. “Not funny. What the hell’s wrong with you? You know I like naked chicks.” He pointed a finger at Sam. “Your sense of humor has gotten way weird since you escaped Lucifer’s prison.” Getting up, he left the bar.

Sam followed him. There was a tense silence between them all the way back to the motel. As they got out of the car, Sam said, “Come on, Dean. Don’t bother denying it. I know you and Castiel had sex.”

“What?” He slammed the driver’s door. “What are you talking about?”

“I overheard you two earlier talking about it.”

“You think…. No, Sam, just…. No. Me and Cas?” His snort was exaggerated as he opened the door to their room. “What have you been smoking?”

“Dean, I heard him say he liked having sex with you. What else was I supposed to think?”

“No.” He shuddered. “No.” After drawing in a deep breath, he blew that breath out slowly. “Okay, do you remember Risa? Leggy, built?”

“You mean the weird chick from last week?” Sam closed the door.

“Funny the things you remember about women.”

He rolled his eyes. “What about her?”

“She’s a vessel.”

“A vessel?” The news stunned him for a few seconds. “An angelic vessel.”

“I know, right?” Dean spread his arms, gesturing with his hands. “A vessel.”

Sam thought about that a moment in context with the topic of conversation. “Cas switched vessels?”

“Yes, he did. Just…flipped over to Risa Hope for a few days.”

“I didn’t know he could do that.”

“Apparently, he can, because he did. I guess it was a temporary thing while Jimmy was off having a conjugal visit with Amelia.”

“When did he start letting Jimmy do that?” He couldn’t recall Castiel ever really caring if Jimmy had time off or not, nor caring if Jimmy got to spend quality time with his family. In fact, Sam recalled Cas telling Jimmy that basically his term as a vessel would be forever.

Dean shrugged. “I don’t know. He didn’t say.”

“So…. Cas switched from a male to female vessel.” He considered that awhile longer. “That made him a her because they take on the sex of their vessel.”

“Yeah, so?”

“He knew you’d like Risa. Hell, you made that clear in the restaurant with that whole speech about her clothes.”

Dean glanced at him. “You implying something, Sammy?”

He let a slow grin tug his lips, a little amused by what had happened. “Dean, dude. You were seduced by an angel.”

“That’s not what happened. I was the only one doing any seducing. Besides, I didn’t know it was Cas at first. I thought she was that Risa chick.”

“Uh-huh. He just happens to take a vessel he knew you’d get hot for and parks Jimmy off safely to one side? She doesn’t tell you she’s Castiel, goes off with you to the room, let’s you do a ton of naughty to her…. You’re going to tell me there was no ulterior motive on Cas’s part? Dean, I saw the clothes Risa had on. Not exactly Cas’s usual get-up.”

“Women wear different clothes. She just happened to --”

“Put on a skirt that barely covered her panties. Was she even wearing any?”

“Tiny ones.” His head tipped back. “Like microscopic….”

“How sure are you that Castiel didn’t show up here in Risa’s body intending on seducing you?”

Dean shook his head as though to clear it. “Don’t muddy things up, Sam. You know Cas. Being duplicitous like that? So not his forte. Cas couldn’t do the whole seduction thing even if he…she…had to.”

“Really? Because from here, it sure looks just like that.”

“You’re wrong.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“She was obviously inexperienced. No way she seduced me.”

“Prove it.”

Dean opened his mouth, then closed it. After a moment, he called out, “Cas! Hey Cas, you listening?”

He appeared a few minutes later. “I’m here.”

“Tell Sam you didn’t come here in Risa’s body intending on seducing me.”

Castiel’s mouth opened, his gaze lowering and slipping off to one side as he licked his lips then drew in a deep breath. Twin spots of color appeared on his cheekbones. “I’m sorry, Dean, but I can’t do that.”

“See, he…what?” Dean blinked. “You…what?”

Sam almost laughed. Almost. Something in Castiel’s expression stalled that laughter however. He looked cornered and extremely uncomfortable. “Maybe you should explain.”

He turned away. “I never meant for that to happen. I never meant for things to change.”

“Things always change,” Sam told him, “regardless of whether we mean them to or not. What happened?”

“Dean had been going on about appearances and I simply thought he should rethink that. I knew Risa was a vessel and took her as a temporary vessel, intending on flirting a bit, then revealing it was me once we were alone. Appearances. A contrast. Me, an angel, and her, a woman very much what Dean thought she was. It seemed like a good plan when I thought of it. However,” he bent his head, “I…miscalculated the difference between a male and female body and apparently the difference between male and female vessels. There were emotions and physical sensations I didn’t anticipate and I….” He sighed. “I decided to let the experience continue to the natural conclusion.” He glanced up at both of them, gaze apologetic. “So you see, Dean, I did intend to seduce you, just not as far as what occurred.”

Dean crossed his arms. “Does it matter who seduced who? It happened, end of story.”

Castiel looked miserable, his shoulders slumped and head remaining bowed. “I apologize for the subterfuge. I shouldn’t have attempted an object lesson of that sort without having had the previous experience in a female vessel to know the extreme differences.”

What Cas didn’t say was that he shouldn’t have done it at all. Sam had nothing to say to that. He rested his hands on his hips and looked away from Cas and Dean. He nodded. “So, does this mean we’re not going back to that bar later?”

“You’re kidding me, right?” Dean’s brows rose.

Sam laughed for about five seconds. “Uh…yeah. You want me to leave so you can talk about this?”

His snort was loud. “No. What’s there to talk about?”

“Now you’re kidding me. There’s plenty to talk about, Dean. Don’t you agree, Cas?”

Castiel stood up straight and raised his head. “I see no need to speak further on it.”

Now Sam blinked. “Let me get this straight. The fact that you, Cas, switched vessels just to seduce Dean, then ended up actually being seduced needs no discussion whatsoever?”

Dean and Castiel exchanged a long glance, then looked back at him and shook their heads, their emphatic ‘no’ nearly in unison.

“Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, you know.”

With a frown, Castiel said, “You’re thinking of the Nile, Sam --”

“It’s a saying, Cas, and Sam thinks he’s being funny.”

“If you think this doesn’t need discussion, you two are nuts.”

None of his arguments budged them and Sam finally gave up, wondering just how long until the consequences of that action reared up.

~~~~~~~~~~

Cas was different and Dean pondered that difference. There was an inapproachability to him now, a line definitely back between them, a line that had everything to do with the male-female vessel issue. He kept watching Castiel, trying to find something of that softness that had been displayed in Risa’s body.

Sam smacked him in the arm none too gently. “You’re mooning again.”

“I am not mooning, I’m just…whatever. I’m not mooning.”

“You’ve got a crush on Castiel, Dean. Face it.” He could hear the disapproval in Sam’s voice.

“Hell I do.”

But Sam was right -- sort of. Dean’s definition of normal had taken a sharp curve when he’d realized he’d not only begun daydreaming about Cas as a girl, but also seriously considered asking him to go back to Risa so they could have another couple days together. He wanted another taste of a female Castiel.

Did Cas know that? Had he done that little mind-reading trick he wasn’t supposed to do but that Dean knew he did anyway? Did he know what it was that Dean was searching for when he looked at him these days?

Apparently, he did, for two weeks after Castiel had returned Risa to her home, he came back in her, showing up as he and Sam were settling down to watch a few hours of tv. Her hair was loose about her shoulders and she wore a raincoat belted tightly at her trim waist.

“Would you mind giving us some privacy, Sam,” she asked.

Sam sighed. “Are you kicking me out of the room, Cas?”

“Only for a night.”

He rolled his eyes. “Give me money for a room, Dean.”

“Spend your own money.” He sat up, setting his beer aside.

“No, not this time.” Sam shook his head and got up from his bed. “You want to do this, you give me money for my own room, because no way am I sleeping in the car just so you and Cas can get it on. No offense, Cas, but I don’t see why I have to be the one to skedaddle.”

“No offense taken. Give him the money, Dean.”

“But --”

She raised her brows. “I’ll make that loss up to you. I promise.”

Reaching for his wallet, Dean pulled out two twenties and handed them to Sam.

“Oh, geez.” Sam began shoving things into his bag. “At least wait until I’m out of the room, okay?”

Dean watched Castiel. She didn’t move as Sam left, nor did she move after the door shut. She appeared to be weighing something in her mind, indecision crossing her face first, then determination. “Take off your coat, Cas. Stay awhile,” he prompted.

With a deep breath, she undid the belt on her coat, opened it, and let it drop without another word.

His mouth went dry. She stood there in nothing but a ‘g-string’ and high heels. “Oh,” he breathed. “That’s kind of naughty.”

She quirked a brow. “You did say the tiger-stripe was totally me, correct?”

“And I was right.” Getting up, he went to her. “You came back.”

Cas cupped his face in her hands. “You wanted me to,” she told him, then kissed him.

It was all it had been and more, a bit of light and warmth that sparked something inside him into flame. That flame burned slow and small at first, but steady, the emotion he’d thought he could begin to feel for her if he let himself: love. It was there inside him, sheltered carefully by a bruised and still faintly bleeding soul that retained a sliver of hope.