Resolution and Prayer

Summary: Jocelyn's thoughts a short while after the end of the movie.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Not mine and I do not own them at all.

Feedback:  Any is appreciated.

 

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Arrogant wretch! Those two words I find do suit Count Adhemar most thoroughly. He pursues women as though we are some sort of possession he can show off. Men, he brushes aside as opponents. He is the sort of man to have no confidante, no bosom friend to share the 'victories' and 'defeats' of life with, for victories and defeats are how he must see life, an endless series of tournaments to be played.

I pity that view. I pity the man who cannot give of himself to another human being, because in that 'endless game' view of life so much is lost. Fellowship. What glorious fellowship there is to be had! The appreciation for quiet moments and the wonders of the world.

He must be so very lonely.

I am most blessed and wealthy in comparison to him, despite my sex and the ridiculous and tedious restrictions placed upon women. I have a loving and understanding, albeit crown-fawning, father who could not see me unhappy, a husband-to-be who is everything a woman could want, and friends I never would have met without Will.

Roland, Wat, Kate and Goeff.

Oh sure, they're wary of me. 'Tis understandable after the trial I put Will through to test his devotion. I had to do it though. I had to know where his heart truly lay. That done, never will I test him again. He is true in his love. As for his friends, Lord willing, they will come around.

Christiana tells me she has received word from her father. I am surprised by this, as he's ignored her for the most part since he sent her to my family when she was a child. It seems that he doesn't want her with me any longer. Christiana says he wrote of 'a peasant influence he was angry she'd gotten.' He is currently negotiating a marriage contract for her. I pray for Christiana's happiness.

I will be sorry to see her go, for she is my dearest friend, a confidante above all. She alone knows the pain my heart carried these long past months, the despair that my love was not returned. She alone knew of my full distaste for Adhemar. A good friend is priceless. Perhaps Kate will be willing to speak with me. I do not see myself acquiring another maid very soon after Christiana leaves and I find I enjoy Kate's no-nonsense, practical manner. She is a grounding force when I find myself far too whimsical. Yes, Kate will be a good sort of friend, should she be willing.

There will be no maid, as I do not wish to tax Will's coffers beyond what he can afford. I am going to be a good wife and stewardship is a part of marriage. I know there will be hardships and those I face most willingly. My beauty will fade away as the winters and summers speed by, but my hope is that whatever wit and cunning I possess will be well used to see us fed and clothed and by a warm hearth when the night is too chill for comfort. Beauty is not what is important, contrary to Adhemar's obvious belief. What is important is the person you are beneath it all, beneath the clothes and the trappings of your class.

The measure of one is what can be found inside.

I am more than clothes and beauty; more than the name Jocelyn or the sex of woman. I am human, and like all humans I see, hear, feel, but unlike many I do learn from my mistakes. My most recent mistake was to play silly games in what is truly a serious business: courtship. There are so many 'should haves' that I see now. I am grateful to be past courtship and onto marriage.

There will be no games for Will and I save those we play together.

I shall be, forever, Jocelyn Thatcher, proud and dutiful wife of Sir William Thatcher, and a silly girl no longer.

Adhemar would say I've lowered myself.

No.

I have been elevated and he will surely never know a love that can transcend class distinction, a love that transforms and makes you better for it's presence. He will forever labor under the notion that love is a feeling, a 'silly notion of women', and something for the weak of mind.

But love is not a feeling. It's an act of the will. I love Will Thatcher, by all the strength of my will.

Adhemar I pity, and pray that someday he will lower himself for love, and know what it is to be whole.