The Long Road Back

Chapter 23: Leading and Following

Notes: This is the chapter as it was intended to be read.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sonas thought he'd at least partially figured out Padmé and Anakin's relationship. Padmé had been a 'daddy's girl' growing up, looking to her father for guidance. At the same time, she'd learned to be an independent girl and later woman with certain expectations for how a husband should behave. When she'd married Anakin, she'd expected him to take the lead, to -- in a sense -- replace her father's authoritative role in her life. None of that was unusual. The unusual occurred when she and Anakin collided.

To say that Anakin had issues was a gross understatement.

He had a sense of inferiority coupled conversely with an over-inflated, if somewhat justified ego. He'd spent his conditioning years in servitude, learning to take orders in every part of his life. Dependant on leadership of others. During those years, his mother had played a grounding role and he had been as much a 'momma's boy' as Padmé was a 'daddy's girl'. Where Padmé had learned independence though, Anakin had not. He'd never learned personal independence, despite Obi-Wan's efforts to teach him.

So, when Padmé had looked to him for leadership, he hadn't been able to give it, which frustrated both of them. Padmé had been forced to take the role herself in personal matters when she wanted him to lead her. They had ultimately confused one another. When Anakin did take the lead, Padmé assumed it was full leadership and when it wasn't, she felt lost, needing an authoritative husband to ground her. Meanwhile, Anakin needed an authoritative wife to ground him.

When no one is leading, there's a mess to clean up in the end. The two had collided emotionally, whirling together, keeping secrets and unable to discuss matters in total honesty.

Padmé wanted Anakin to be like her father, taking charge, making decisions. The current problem was that she'd turned every bit of energy on him that she'd formerly thrown into her work life. Anakin was her life.

But Anakin had changed. Through the harsh lessons the Emperor had thrown his way, Anakin now had that personal independence he'd previously lacked. Padmé's constant attention was smothering him. His pulling back from her because of that was likely bewildering her.

They needed to talk to each other without holding anything back. If they could communicate, they'd be fine, but communication was not their forte. They spent more time trying to avoid upsetting each other than the actual upset would last.

Sonas looked at them. He knew they had something they wished to discuss. He drew a deep breath and steeled himself. Making these two talk was like pulling teeth sometimes.

"Let's start with Anakin this week."

~~~~~~~~

Anakin made himself stop fidgeting and began gathering his thoughts. He reminded himself that counseling was good for them. She wasn't going to be upset when he asked her to just hire a service for the cooking, nor would she get that hurt expression on her face when he told her to let him have time alone.

"Tell Padmé how you feel, Anakin," Sonas invited with his kind doctor smile. "Wait until he's finished before responding, Padmé."

Tell her how he felt. He clasped his hands together. His shirt was damp against the small of his back and he shifted. Padmé's anxiety was high, like she had something to tell him that she knew he wasn't going to like.

No, he told himself. Concentrate on you for now. Current issues only please.

"Okay. I feel like you're paying this lavish attention to me just to fill up the empty hours. Don't get me wrong, I do like the attention, just not every waking hour of every day. I feel like the only time I have to myself is when I'm with Obi-Wan or running errands. I need time alone and you're not giving me that. I want you to take some of those speaking engagements you're being offered. I want to see you happy and you're not happy, don't try and tell me you are. You need --"

"Anakin," Sonas interrupted with a slight frown. "Your feelings, not what you think she needs or should do."

He stared at him. Wasn't that what he was doing? "I am talking about my feelings. I feel she needs --"

"You're talking about action, not feelings. We don't need to fix it, not yet. We need to discuss your emotions, then discuss hers. Only then will we look towards fixing the matter."

"I don't understand."

Sonas leaned forward a little. "What emotion do you have when Padmé pays constant attention to you?"

He bit his lip, remembering the past few days. "Smothered? Like I can't breathe? Not that I can breathe well to begin with, but I...."

"Good. Very good."

That was what Doc wanted? Oh, easy! "I feel angry, Doc. I mean, she has this amazing talent for public speaking and leadership and she's refusing to use it. She's needed there, yet all she does is wait on me hand and foot. I'm angry that she won't consider helping the rebuilding of democracy since she was a full supporter of it before. I also feel satisfied at the same time. Selfish. It pleases me that she's chosen me over politics, that she spends all her time trying to please me." He paused. "That's wrong, isn't it? I shouldn't feel that way."

Doc Sonas shook his head. "On the contrary, Anakin, it's perfectly normal to have such feelings. Considering your history together, I'd be surprised if it was otherwise."

"It's normal?" Really?

"Yes. Padmé, do you wish to respond to this?"

She slid forward in her chair. "First he wants me to have no job and now he wants me to get out more? He asks for one thing, then complains when he gets it? I couldn't be more confused. What does he...." She broke off, turning to face him. "Anakin, what do you expect of me? You say you love me and you're glad we're still together, but I don't know what you want from me as a wife. You have to tell me, because I can't read you anymore. I thought I could and I can't. Do you want me to do wifely things, like cook and do laundry, or do you want me to have a career?"

"Can't you do both," he replied. "Why can't you have the laundry and cooking arranged like before? Why not work part-time, with a set number of hours devoted to your work? We can figure it out right here, right now. So many hours and anything over that we agree upon prior to committing. It's perfect, Padmé. Think about it. I still get attention, you still get to use your gifts and we both have time away from each other when we need it."

She opened her mouth, presumably to argue, then sighed, shoulders relaxing a little. "How any hours are we talking?"

"I don't know. Twenty-five?"

"Fifteen," was her prompt reply.

"Twenty-two."

"Eighteen."

"Twenty and I won't go any lower."

Her eyes narrowed and then she raised a brow. Padmé sat back in her seat, a reluctant grin upon her lips. Her anxiety was gone. "Agreed. Is that number negotiable?"

"After six months."

"Okay, Anakin, I'll work part-time." Her smile widened. "Negotiator."

"I did learn from the best. Obi-Wan wasn't called the negotiator for nothing, you know."

"I know." She shook her head. "I'll call the service and have a chef sent over, then begin arranging the other domestic matters as they were.... Unless there was something that absolutely can't be delegated?"

"There are some matters, milady, but those are best discussed between us privately."

She flushed becomingly and smoothed her dress.

Only then did he remember Doc Sonas was in the room. "Okay, Doc, what's next?"

Sonas was busy making notations and glanced up. "That was a good session. You're making progress in communicating. Let's skip the next session and see how we are in two weeks. Keep writing in your journals and make note of any matters that need discussed. Remember, we can schedule a session whenever you both feel it's needed."

The session had been far more painless than he'd thought. Anakin left feeling pleased and content.

~~~~~~~~~~

Who knew that they could talk like that? Padmé reflected upon that the entire way back to the apartment. Everything had worked out to her advantage. She didn't need to do the cooking and cleaning anymore and could take some of those speaking engagements she'd wanted to take. She was feeling blissful in how well their relationship was progressing. They were learning to talk to each other and it wasn't as horrible an undertaking as she'd feared. He didn't get angry like he had previously and when he did, he excused himself until he was calm enough to return to the discussion. They were communicating the way they should have years earlier.

She had to admit that Sonas really did seem to be helping.

They ate at her favorite restaurant, then retired for a romantic evening together. Her dreams were happy ones, until.

Padmé jerked awake, her pleasant dreams rudely interrupted by a loud crashing noise that was followed by a series of equally loud thumps. Rolling over, she flailed one arm across the nightstand, overturning one water glass, a few knick-knacks, and a data pad, Gradually, her sleep fuddled mind registered that there was no blaster by her bedside and that she had no need of one.

The thumps and crashes were rhythmic.

Tossing off the covers and dimly aware that she'd somehow ended up back in her own apartment, she half-crawled, half-stumbled out of the bedroom and down the hall towards the front door. Opening it, she proceeded towards the sounds into Anakin's apartment.

There, in the center of the living area, was the biggest, gaudiest colored drum set she'd ever set eyes on, with her husband banging away at it. When he noticed her, he paused, hands still raised and a slight irreverent curl to the corners of his mouth.

"Did I wake you?"

Padmé blinked. "What is this," she managed to croak, dragging the strap of her nightgown back up her shoulder.

"Music therapy. Doc said to learn an instrument, or don't you remember that from those letters? I think I mentioned it once or twice."

"So you chose the most irritating instrument you could find?"

His teeth flashed in a wide grin. "In a manner of speaking. Palpatine always abhorred drums. He called them base and crude, preferring a full orchestra. Naturally, I decided there had to be some merit to them. You know, there are subtleties to rhythm that most people don't notice."

"Really." She sniffed, hoping to smell a caffeinated beverage brewing, then remembered that he liked his caffeine at lunchtime.

"Oh yes. For example, on Nanos III, the particular beat indicates what a man wants. This one," he demonstrated, "means he's going on a hunt. And this one," he switched to a muted and much softer tapping, "means he's planning on getting lucky."

She rolled her eyes. "Not before he explains how and when the drums got here and feeds his wife a really hearty breakfast."

Anakin set the drumsticks aside. "I had them brought in through the verandah this morning. I've been practicing on a tiny set that has electronic settings. I could barely hear it on high, so I decided to treat myself to the set I really wanted."

"How much did it cost?" She asked more out of curiosity than of outrage for the use of credits.

"About as much as two small moons."

"Oh. Can you mute it?"

He frowned. "Why would I want to?" Anakin appeared genuinely puzzled by her request.

Padmé sighed. "I think we're going to need to set down some rules here...."

~~~~~~~~~~

Dormé was herself again. Obi-Wan was glad to see that finally come about. With her usual energy, she read up on the latest nutritional articles, enrolled herself and Don-Al in 'mommy and me' exercise classes, had to be persuaded not to enroll him and Don-Al in 'daddy and me' exercise classes (he'd been sorely tempted to use a mind-trick on her even though he knew it wouldn't work), and decided to become re-certified as a handmaiden in order to apply for a position as an advisor and sponsor for new handmaidens. Eirtaé had told her of the new program, one that would give her freedom to work on worlds aside from Naboo. She'd be a freelance advisor.

The problem behind her mood swings and crying had been identified. Apparently, she'd had a normal hormonal imbalance that sometimes occurs in new mothers, easily fixed with medication.

Obi-Wan stretched. Anakin and Padmé had gone to spend a week with her family and as of a few hours ago, Anakin had been a bundle of nerves. Why? Heck if Obi-Wan knew. It wasn't like Anakin had never met Padmé's family before. Oh well. Dormé was at exercise class, along with their son, so he had all afternoon to sit around doing nothing. Blissful time alone. He'd spent an hour meditating, finished the novel he'd been reading and considered solo lightsaber practice before the pull of taking a nice long nap overcame him.

Sliding a pillow beneath his head, he closed his eyes to nap.

"So what are we planning today?" Qui-Gon's voice was gratingly cheerful.

"I am planning on napping." He opened one eye, fixing it on Qui-Gon. "You are planning on letting me."

"No, I'm not."

Obi-Wan groaned. "Why not? I'm barely getting enough sleep as it is. Don-Al refuses to sleep through the night --"

"Master Yoda wishes you to meet him at the Temple in one hour."

Obi-Wan was instantly awake. "Master Yoda is back on Coruscant?"

"Briefly, yes. He wishes to conduct this business and return to exile before Anakin returns to Coruscant."

Yoda had been unbending on that issue. He refused to leave exile fully until it was apparent where Anakin was going in his quest for re-integration. He didn't wish Anakin to know where he was in the event that Vader returned. A cautious route and one Obi-Wan had argued hours with him. By Qui-Gon being used as a messenger service, he concluded that Yoda was still annoyed with him somewhat. "Master?"

"The Temple, Obi-Wan."

In an hour, he understood the business.

Palpatine had taken the Jedi Temple and used it for his own amusements. He'd walled up entire sections seemingly at random and sold the various pieces of Jedi antiquity for a likely tidy profit. Upon his death, the Temple had been deeded to the Coruscant Historical Society. They had a plan for the Temple and wished to include the remaining Jedi Council members in the planning. Their idea was to mark off a portion of the Temple for a museum and return the rest to the Jedi.

Yoda listened to their plans, made his own proposed changes over the next few days. Soon the full agreement was hammered out. The Temple would be halved in a manner of speaking, yet still functional for the needs of the greatly diminished Order.

While Obi-Wan tried to convince him to stay longer, he declined, stating only that it wasn't time for him to see Anakin.

Obi-Wan finished his series of saber movements and paused to wipe the sweat from his brow. Yoda had accused him of still not seeing Anakin, of being too attached to him. The accusation had stung. He didn't feel he was too close to Anakin this time. Indeed, he thought their relationship had become what it should have been to begin with. They were honest with each other on all levels, Anakin confiding his worries and Obi-Wan reciprocating.

Master Yoda was being too cautious. Or was he? There was still a bit of the dark side in Anakin. It was there.

He sighed, turning off his light saber and sitting. He'd distracted himself and needed to re-center within the Force before continuing.

~~~~~~~~~~

Why was he here? He'd told Obi-Wan that it wasn't time yet to see Anakin, so why was he here on Anakin Skywalker's landing dock? Why was he making his way to the verandah?

Yoda sighed and paused. In truth, he was drawn here tonight. The Force had pulled him to Anakin and it wasn't clear why. Resting his hands on his cane, he looked up at the apartment. Anakin was awake now, moving closer, coming out onto the verandah. The lights there raised to a gentle glow, illuminating the grouping of chairs and tables in the center.

Yoda watched him as Anakin returned the scrutiny. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's assurances hadn't been enough. He'd needed to feel Anakin himself through close proximity. What he found waiting didn't fully reassure him, nor did it fully alarm.

"Master Yoda. I'd wondered if you'd visit me at all."

There was tension in the air. Yoda tilted his head. He sensed many things fromt his young man, things that catapulted him back to when Anakin was a child standing before the Council hoping and fearing to be trained. "Are you afraid," he asked.

Would Anakin lie as he'd learned to do? Would he deny his real emotions and try to hide them? Anakin's head dipped in a slow nod. "Yes, I am afraid. I've feared your visit even as I'd hoped it would come. You have disapproved of many things --"

"Does it matter so much, my approval?"

"Yes." He leaned against a long stone planter. "Deep down, Master, I still want your approval...." He broke off, then continued. "No, not approval. Acceptance. I want your acceptance. I always felt that you and the other Council members didn't accept me."

Untrue. They had accepted. What they hadn't done was trust him. It had been difficult to believe that the prophecy could be true, that he could be the Chosen One. So much had been unclear and looking back, he knew there had been mistakes in how Anakin had been treated by many. Yoda stepped closer. He liked to think that he hadn't reached his advanced age by not learning from past mistakes. However....

He couldn't ignore the dark side still dwelling within Anakin. "Still much of the dark side in you."

"Yes," Anakin replied. "But it's less than it was yesterday and the day before and so on."

Yoda nodded and turned, walking back down to the landing dock. Half-way, he paused, looking back. "Watch your progress, I will."

Would Anakin defeat the dark side and truly fulfill his destiny? He could still fall back, but was it a reality without Palpatine prodding him? The potential was there whether or not Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan saw it. Anakin could still be a danger until the last bit of the dark side was gone.

With all of his heart, Yoda hoped Anakin had changed.

~~~~~~~~~~

How had Anakin emerged from Vader? That was the question on the table and the one Anakin wished to share. He looked at Padmé, then Doc. These past months had helped him more than he could have imagined possible years earlier. Why hadn't he asked for help sooner?

Pride, he answered himself. He'd had too much pride in his veins to even consider there was anything he couldn't do himself. He smiled a little. What a long way he'd come from that callow youth he'd been!

"I tricked him," he told them, arching a brow. "I used his own underhanded tactics against him." He shrugged. "Palpatine told Vader to delete my personal files, that it was unhealthy to keep them. Vader hadn't bothered to look at them until then. He didn't concern himself with my memories. He began deleting them, moving from file to file and finally...."

He lost himself in the memory.

Darkness and Vader, the two constants since he'd killed Padmé. He was blind and deaf unless Vader let him rise, which only happened when Vader wished to taunt him about something. Like now.

"Look at these files, Anakin."

He looked. There were hundreds of files, things he'd collected over the years. Most were music and pictures, but there were text files as well. He'd kept novels, cartoons, jokes and letters from friends now long dead. Most of it he'd meant to purge long ago. "I see them," he replied.

"My Master tells me it's unhealthy to keep them. I thought you might wish to be present for their deletion." He opened one file, backed out of it without opening any of the sub-files and deleted it. "So easy to read. Did you think no curious eyes perused your files? I'm certain Obi-Wan and Padmé did."

Anakin gritted his teeth, watched Vader repeat the process over and over until he reached the final file. He relaxed. This file was special.

Vader shook his head. "The 'angel' file. How original. That wouldn't be about Padmé, would it? Everyone in the galaxy knew you called her your angel. Pathetic."

Such smugness and scorn in his tone, as though Anakin could not surprise him. Or could he?

Vader tried to open it. "Password?" His annoyance wrapped about Anakin. "We'll see about that." He tried every possible variation on Padmé's name. Each try brought forth error messages. Vader growled at Anakin's chuckles. "Give me the password."

"Don't you know it?"

"What's in the file? Tell me!"

Anakin sat down in his prison and crossed his arms. "It's nothing about Padmé. Have you never heard of a 'smokescreen'?"

"Of course I have. I order you to tell me what's in the file!"

Anakin's mirth increased. "Make me. I dare you."

Vader went silent.

"Go on, Vader. Make me. Choke me. Isn't that your specialty?" He sobered. "Oh wait a minute. You can't choke yourself, now can you? Quite a quandary. What do you do?"

Vader could have turned the file over to a droid or let the computer do the work, but he didn't. He wanted to break the code himself. He wished to break Anakin down that little bit more.

In his irritation, Vader forgot to suppress Anakin.

For four days, Vader puzzled the password with no success. At last, Vader let Anakin rise. It wasn't fully, but it was enough to have an inkling how to take back control.

"Open the file, Anakin."

With a grim determination, Anakin gave the password. Before Vader could suppress him, he opened the first sub-file. A picture of him with Padmé appeared. Ellé had taken it.... He let memories burst free, propelling to the surface. He rode them as he would a current of air or water.

He wrestled Vader for control, Vader trying to delete the file and Anakin refusing to give up use of their hands. More memories flooded him. They were Vader's memories and horrible images. Anakin shook their helmeted head, somewhat surprised by the cumbersome weight, though he knew he should remember it. Desperately, he opened images, embraced the love he'd had for Padmé.

That love had been real no matter how it had ended.

Force save me, I was wrong, Anakin thought and then he was in darkness once more.

He was half afraid of what he'd find, but he opened his eyes anyway, dreading that odd sensation of weightlessness he'd had in his prison.

Anakin saw though Vader's ruined vision, heard clearly the wheezing whoosh of his breath. He felt....weight. Vader had managed to delete the file, but it had served it's purpose. Anakin looked around his quarters and decided there had to be a change. He couldn't keep living this way. Darkness, death, destruction, and far too much pain for a single person to bear.

Vader, he decided, had to disappear. If it took him the rest of his life, he would regain control of his body.

He promised himself that. It was one promise he was determined never to break.

When his narration of the events ended, he discovered Padmé holding back her tears. Her emotions were clear on her face.

"I love you, Anakin," she whispered.

"I know." Reaching between their chairs, he took her hand in his. "I love you, too."