All Visits Forbidden

Kasey

kasey8473@yahoo.com

Summary:  Jocelyn receives a distressing letter from Christiana.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Not mine and I do not own them.

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'Dearest Jocelyn,

I am bruised and I am aching.  Please keep this letter to yourself.  I could not bear for any but you to know of these things I must say.  I am held fast in a pit of despair at this moment and there are none to give me encouraging words."

I am glad I did not save this letter to read to all.  I am glad I was the only one in the hall when the messenger came.  My heart beats with painful thuds in my breast.  Why does she despair?  Please God, do not let him have hurt her!

"I am trying not to let it show how much he has hurt me with his words.  It all started with Lydia.  As you know, she has been running from me and I discovered the reason.  She had a lover and thought I knew.  She had been afraid I would go to Etienne.  Well, she had no fear of him finding out from me, for he heard it from her own lips.  He had come to see her, as she was feeling poorly, and overheard some of our conversation.  He charged in, railed at her, then turned upon me, accusing me of making her into a whore, of arranging a tryst for her as I did for you. As I did for you.  You!  That action is lashing out at me, Jocelyn!  My part in your relationship with Will is now causing tension between me and my husband!'

My stomach turns and I feel decidedly ill.  That a meeting arranged by her for my benefit could cause her pain in turn causes me pain.  Oh Christiana, if I had known you would suffer from it, I would have arranged that meeting myself.  I glance at the door into the hallway.  I hear voices and hurry in my reading.  This is a letter I do not want to share if i do not have to.

"I went to him earlier today, fool I was, and we ended up discussing what he gained in marrying me.  Your pain.  That was his main gain.  He gained your pain, your worry, and Will's helplessness.  You, Jocelyn.  His gain was something about you.  He has married me and still he thinks of you.  A secondary gain and only secondary was a 'wicked wanton' as he called me, a woman who will go to him whenever he wants.  He does not see me as a wife.  He sees me as only one more woman to bed.  That revelation would be much easier to bear had he simply stolen me away and kept me locked in his chamber, a mistress in title instead of that title of wife.   It would not bother me then, for I would not have the regret of giving my tender heart to him.  My place would be clear and I would not have been so foolish as to let myself begin to love him.  My heart is in his palms, dear friend, and he can crush me or complete me at whim.  The only saving grace  is that he does not know it.'  

Tears course down my face and I cannot help but damn the man once more to an eternal hell of flames, with fiery devils pricking his skin and making him bleed eternally.  Does he not know how much his admission has wounded her?  Or does he just not care?  My hands shake and I must wait until the trembling stops to read some more.

"I had thought he wanted me.  Evidence pointed to that conclusion.  All evidence.  But it turns out that you were all he was thinking of.  You.  He kept you in his thoughts, alive there for him, a phantom to imagine when he is with me.  Forgive me friend, but it is a bitter thing to swallow.  I know that it is not your fault.  You cannot help being beautiful.  You cannot help but inspire poetry in men."

"Jocelyn?"

I start at the voice that intrudes upon my reading, clasping the letter to my breast.  Kate is in the doorway, her shrewd glance going over me.  "What?"  There is an obvious tremor in my voice.

She crosses the room, tugging the paper from me and glancing at it.  I know she cannot read, but she peruses it anyway, looking at it line by line.  "It is a letter, yes?"  I can only nod.  "And not good news I would wager, the way you are crying."  She returns it to me.

"No, not good news."

Kate brushes her skirts off and takes the chair beside mine, resting her arms on her thighs and clasping her hands together.  "Tell me.  What has Adhemar done to her?  I assume it is from Christiana.  Her letters are the only ones that make you so emotional."

My eyes ache with more tears and I do not hold them back.  "He has told her in not so many words that he married her only for my reaction.  She despairs because of it.  She thinks he imagines me when he is with her."  I do not wipe my face or attempt in any way to stem the flood.

Kate gives a low whistle.  "Here I had not thought Adhemar a dumb male before."

"He is hateful.  This seals it.  Nothing can redeem that man.  How can he treat her this way?  How can he pretend to want her and then tell her that?"  I raise my hand and chew on my thumbnail, a bad habit I have not done in years.  "I must see her.  The journey there is a short one, only a couple days."

Kate sits up.  Her glance lowers to my stomach, then returns to my face as she shakes her head, an apologetic turn to her lips.  "No.  Not in your condition.  You will not foolishly put yourself in Adhemar's path.  If you go there and make Adhemar angry...."  Kate trails off.  "No.  You know Will is going to tell you no, Jocelyn.  Do not even entertain the thought of traveling to visit her."

I lower my hand, wiping my thumb on my skirt.  "I am pregnant, Kate, not breakable.  I have to see her.  I have to know she is well.  I promise I will not endanger the baby."

"You cannot know for sure what will happen if you try and see her, can you?  Do not promise, Jocelyn.  You are still very early in it.  I have seen women miscarry from a blow to the stomach and would not see the same happen to you."

I give an impatient sigh and roll of my eyes.  "Then during Tournament then, if only for a moment."

"Tournament is months away."  She reminds me and I make helpless noises in the back of my throat.

"Then what would you have me do, Kate?  I cannot go see her now and Tournament does not begin until April.  What does that leave me?"

She focuses a pointed stare at the letter.  "Write to her.  Let her know you are still here for her.  If he has upset her that much, then she needs the assurance that there is a friend somewhere who is understanding.  With his announcement, your arrival on their doorstep could cause more problems then are solved."

I set the papers aside and rub my hands over my slightly swelling belly.  It seemed that I started showing the very moment I realized I was pregnant.  Three months gone and my tight waist-ed dresses are almost too tight.  Will was certainly pleased at the news, jumping about our chamber giving great whoops of joy.  He will not let me lift anything heavy and treats me like I am the most delicate of women.  Coming from him, I do not mind, but that manner will work against me now.  If I were not pregnant, there was a chance he would let us go and camp on the edge of Adhemar's property.  But I am pregnant and that is not going to happen.

Kate is right though.  As much as I hate to think about it, my arrival could cause more problems.  "I will write to her then."  Still, it would hurt nothing to ask Will if we could go.

"Good."  She smiles a little.

"You came to find me?"  I change the subject.  Kate does not usually come into the manor in the middle of the day.

"Well..."  Her smile grows wide.  "I have got an apprentice!  This day.  Burrell brought his son to me, wants me to train him."

This is wonderful news.  It is wonderful in a couple ways.  First, it means that Kate is fully accepted by the people here.  If Burrell has brought Paul to her, then Kate is well liked, for Burrell is the 'voice' of the people.  Second, it means her status in the Guild is not disputed.  She explained to me once about widows and the Guild.  A widow can continue to run her dead husband's business and work the trade.  She can have an apprentice if she chooses.  All of this however, can hinge largely on the Guild and whether they choose to dispute her membership for some reason.  Kate has been careful with her dealings with them of late.

"Congratulations, Kate!"  I pull her into a hug, ignoring the soot that marks the contact on my clothes.  "That is marvelous news.  Oh, I am so happy for you."

"Thank you."  She draws back.  "I wanted to also ask if I could have a small room added to my cottage in the back.  Paul needs lodgings.  It is part of me responsibility as his Master to house him.  I could not find Will to ask him."

"Of course.  I do not think Will would deny you that."

Kate stands.  "I have to get back.  I sent Paul on an errand and he should return soon."

Once she has gone and I have been forced into a better mood by her news, I pick up the letter again and read.  I frown a bit.  It reads as though Christiana quit writing and came back later to finish the letter.

'He has apologized, but I do not fully believe him.  He says he was just angry, that he lost his temper and, while I believe that, I do not think he meant all of his apology.  He has called me his Lady and his wife and that is fine with me, for in title it is what I am.  He did not apologize for thinking of you.  I gave him my best 'all is forgiven' expression and I do try and forgive him. 

It is difficult though.  I force myself to behave as I did before his words last week.  I suppose if I behave this way long enough, I can convince myself that everything is fine, that I did not goad him into admitting his thoughts to me.  I should not have pushed the issue.  I should have been satisfied thinking he truly wanted me.  And now, I pay for that insistence.  Sometimes getting what you want is a hell in itself.  The truth is not always what you want to hear.  So, I will do my duty, as I came to him willingly to do.  I will be a good wife, despite his ways.  I will be faithful, in body, mind and soul, though I could wither in the end from lack of love.  I will give him children and perhaps they will give me love enough.  I will run his household and mend his ills.  He shall have no cause to be angry with me and, maybe some day, he will think of me.'

I am right.  She quit writing and instead of beginning a fresh letter, she added on to the one she had begun.

'I am not allowed to see Lydia, though she has asked to have me visit her.  Sarah has nursed her through the last of that illness she suffered.  Lydia is confined to her chambers, sentenced there until he can decide what to do with her.  Jocelyn, I do wish you were here, just for the support I know you would give me, but he will not allow a visit, I know without asking, and truth be told, I would be hesitant to have you in his sight right now, with all this freshly laid out.  I will content myself with letters, frequent letters if you can manage to send them.

I know this letter is short, but I shall try and calm myself enough to write more rationally in the next.  Love, Christiana.'

Getting up, I find my cloak and fasten it around me before heading outside.  The January  air is cold and bracing and I draw the cloak tighter to me.  The courtyard is a flurry of activity, people scurrying about on errands and their normal jobs.  My eyes have been opened by Will and his friends and I endeavor to learn the names of all here and personal things I can ask them about, such as their children or favorite game.  As I walk, greetings are called to me and I return them with a smile to each.  My path eventually takes me to the stable, where Will has been spending much time this winter, pampering that horse he won off of Adhemar.  It is funny to me that Adhemar did not even attempt to buy the animal back.  I would have thought he would pay a king's ransom to have the animal back.

"Will?"  I cross the stable to him.  He is finishing up, putting things away.  I admire the new clothes that grace his tall form, the cut displaying his manliness beautifully.  Rags or riches, he looks good in either.

"Yes?"  He gives the steed one last pat and turns, waiting for me to continue, his gaze as hungry in perusing me as mine was to him.  Our love has not waned over the months.  If possible, I love him more with each passing hour.

"I want to visit Christiana."  I say, clasping my hands together.  I can almost predict the conversation that is coming for we have had this conversation several times over the past weeks.

That hungry glint turns to annoyance.  Will puts his hands on his hips and lowers his head, looking at me now through the blond locks that tumble down over his eyes, an adorable attempt to look stern.  "And what has Adhemar told Christiana?  Has he approved a visit?  Has she even asked?"  When I only stare at him, he throws his head back to stare at the ceiling of the stable.  "Jocelyn?"  He prompts in warning tone.

I swallow, lick my lips and shake my head, taking my time doing all three.  "He has said no."

"Then I say no as well."  Will's gaze finds mine again.  "He has the right to say who may visit his house.  Look,"  He crosses to me, runs his warm hands along my arms, "I know Christiana is like a sister to you--"

"He told her outright that he only married her for my reaction, that he thinks of me still."

His hands tighten on my arms a fraction, a frown bringing his brows down in a 'v'.  "And you want to go there do you?"

"She is hurting, Will."  I place my hands on his chest, fingers splayed out.

"So let her hurt!"  He says in a muted roar.  I am shoved away, a gentle shove, but a shove nonetheless.  "Damn it all Jocelyn, your family kept the two of you sheltered from so much unpleasantness it is good for the both of you to actually see that the world is not a kind place!  You are both adult, both married.  Christiana chose to go to him."  He shakes his head.  "She made the choice to marry Adhemar for better or worse, knowing what he did to me and knowing the sort of man he is.  She made a choice and now she must deal with the consequences of that choice.  Her.  Not you."

I am crying again, what he has said true, tears overflowing my eyes and slipping down my face.  Part of my tears are from our discussion, part from the babe that makes me weepy.  "I cannot stand by while she is in pain.  My heart cries out to help her."

His face softens.  "I sympathize, I truly do.  But we cannot ride in there and rescue her.  Christiana is Adhemar's wife.  Any troubles between them must be worked out between them.  You will stand by, Jocelyn.  If, at some point, there is a genuine need for intervention, I suppose we can do so, but I will not get right in the middle of that man's marriage.  If not for Christiana, I would have nothing more to do with him."

"And yet you seem so understanding of him, of what you call his 'rights'.  Have you forgotten what he did?"  In a sense, I feel a bit betrayed by Will's manner.  Does he not hate the man?  After all that happened, he can talk of Adhemar's rights?  I wipe at my tears.

"I do understand his view, Jocelyn."

"I thought you hated him."  My voice has gotten louder and louder with each sentence I utter, while Will has remained calm and collected.  Our past chats on this matter have given him poise.

A strange expression crosses Will's face, one I cannot fathom.  His brows raise just a fraction.  "Oh, I do hate him.  I hate him for his sarcasm and his smug, condescending manner.  I hate him for forcing me to come out of my made-up name before I was ready to do so and endure the humiliation of being in stocks and in the goal.  I do hate him, Jocelyn, but...."  He sighs.  "I am also thankful to him for making me be myself and no other.  Without the humiliation he caused me, I would not be the man I am today.  Those things cancel each other out and I am left on neutral ground regarding him."

"He is a beast, a murdering..."  I flounder for a strong enough word to describe Adhemar.  "cur!"

"I am very much alive.  He did not succeed.  If he had, you would likely be in Christiana's place right now."

"Still!"  I throw up my hands with the word and he takes them in his, twining his fingers with mine.

"The answer is no,  my love.  You will have to wait until Tournament to see her.  We have too much to do here before we leave and I cannot spare the time to run off and visit her."  Leaning down, he brushes his nose to mine in a playful gesture.  "And do not think you can sneak off, either."

"I could."  I do not plan to though.

"I know you are fully capable of doing whatever you choose with or without my leave to do so.  Please, do not run off to see her by yourself.  I would die if anything happened to you."  His hands release mine and move to cup my face.

He kisses me and, with our mouths but a few inches apart, I give a promise to wait.

And so it is final.  I will hold my breath, so to speak, until Tournament and see her in the galley there.  God protect her.